Getting help for BPD

[healingmyheart]

I'm just curious how many of you have actually been successful in getting your ex or present boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife to therapy for treatment for BPD.  If so, did they stick with the treatment or not?  I am absolutely positive that my exBPD is afflicted... .  I have a medical background and the symptoms fit him to a tee.  I still have hopes of trying to get him to see the light that he has a problem and get him therapy.  He has quite the track record of failed relationships... .  not to mention the rage, jealousy issues, control, etc, etc, etc.  I just want him to get better for he has a daughter and a very complicated and distant relationship with her due to the issues brought upon by BPD.  He admits that he has rage but beyond that... .  I kinda doubt he'll admit much more since he loves to blame shift.  My counselor thinks I should just let him go realizing that therapy is long and tedious and he probably won't be receptive.  Thanks in advance for any insight... .  

[turtle]

I got my ex to go to AA... .  ONCE! 

I got him to talk to a counselor about depression -- ONCE.

There was never a TWICE.

They have to want help and they have to want it more than anything else.  If they don't, you're just wasting your breath.  IMO.

turtle

[healingmyheart]

Thanks for the reply Turtle... .  that's what I'm afraid of.  I've recently kicked my exBPD boyfriend out and he's pretty low right now... .  thinking he has hit rock bottom but don't know if that's enough for him to be receptive to change.  What is it gonna' take I ask you?  So frustrating... .  

[almost789]

I'm working on it. I've brought it up with some initial positiveness from him about it, however followed by some "there's nothing wrong with me"... .  "hope you are doing well" stuff... .  . Then followed by projection and then silent rage. But, I'm not giving up on that if he returns for more as he always has, I'll give him some more information.

[goldylamont]

hi, my exBPD girlfriend was doing some therapy on her own but i don't think she ever admitted to actually having BPD, the therapy was i think for depression? I didn't find out about BPD until after our split. before we broke up though we tried couples therapy, i wish we could have done more, but honestly i don't think this would have helped. a BPD will manipulate therapy sessions the same way they will manipulate their partners (whether they are conscious of this or not). in my case my exBPD claimed that i was abusing her to our therapist, even though i wasn't. i was reading a post elsewhere where a gentleman was married to his BPD wife of 15 years. he says he spent over $200,000 on her therapy and couples therapy to no avail. if you are interested let me know and i'll try to find the link so that you can read. i don't at all want to say this as a scare tactic, but it seems that BPD partners are looking for someone like you, who wants to help them, to act as their "savior", but once you solidify yourself in this role they can switch you to be the perpetrator/persecutor and treat you badly. you have to be very careful, i wouldn't recommend trying to get your partner into therapy. i would only wait to see if he does it on his own, without your prompting; and even then watch over time to see if this is a way to manipulate you into coming back or if he is really serious. wish you the best of luck!

[healingmyheart]

Thanks goldylamont... .  great advice.  My counselor says that by nature, I am a caregiver.  I am a nurse and just want to help him get better.  It just seems so inhumane knowing that he has this horrific disorder and I can't tell him much less help him.  I've been advised to take a good hard look at myself and why I'm drawn to a person with BPD... .  I need to heal and NOT allow myself to be placed in that codependent position ever again.  It is just so hard because in my heart I know that he is a good person screaming out for help.  I HATE BPD!

[nylonsquid]

Your counselor is probably right.

I got her to go to a therapist. But she thinks it's because her dad passed away. She's using him to enable her being the victim. She'll keep going back until he probably tells her something else. She'll devalue him and run away. Waste of time. Hoe do you teach a person empathy and love? I just don't see it. That's my opinion. Their emotions are so entangled they have no idea what they are feeling. They'll ride the high and proclaim love. Their reality would be tested then they'll crash and start the delusional episodes and now they are hateful and nothing you've done in the past is of any meaning. Is this love?

[healingmyheart]

By the way, I did tell my exBPD that I feel he has a "problem" although I didn't say BPD.  I said that I think he has some deep rotted insecurities which caused him to "search" outside our relationship.  Plus, I said that at times he is consumed with fear, anger and rage and he tends to displace it on his loved ones.  I begged him for the sake of his daughter to get professional help.  My counselor said that this message will not cause him to go for help... .  it will only help me with my own closure.  

[turtle]

 I begged him for the sake of his daughter to get professional help.  My counselor said that this message will not cause him to go for help... .  it will only help me with my own closure.  

Your counselor is right.

[WT]

My ex went to a family therapist on her own for about a year.  She was molested repeatedly by her stepfather when she was five (along with her sister, who was six) and she knew that she had emotional issues and trauma, but at the time, neither of us had ever heard of BPD.  The therapist was probably treating her as depressed, but honestly, she sucked (I sat in on a few sessions).  All she did was ask my ex a lot of questions but provided pretty much zero answers, and she probably enabled my ex's behavior by telling her that her feelings were valid.

It wasn't until I started talking to a close friend about my ex's behavior that my friend suggested that she might have BPD.  My mind literally exploded at how accurate the symptoms were, but I still didn't understand how hopeless my situation was.  I suggested to her therapist that she might have BPD.  Her therapist said that based on what she saw, she didn't think that my ex has BPD.  My thought was, "No sh!t!  She's a high-functioning BPD!  She's not going to go apesh!t on you!"  Her therapist eventually "graduated" my ex from therapy, and the only thing that this accomplished was to give my ex a temporary sense that she had been "cured" of her mental illness.

I tried to tell her one time that I think that she has BPD and I showed her a list of the symptoms.  Of course, she completely disagreed and this turned into another huge fight.  That was the only time that I ever mentioned BPD to her, and she never went to therapy again.

[goldylamont]

Thanks goldylamont... .  great advice.  My counselor says that by nature, I am a caregiver.  I am a nurse and just want to help him get better.  It just seems so inhumane knowing that he has this horrific disorder and I can't tell him much less help him... .  

your feelings for wanting to help are normal. unfortunately the situation isn't   the hardest thing is that assuming the role of caregiver/nurturer may enable this person to act even more selfish, whilst enmeshing yourself deeper in something unhealthy.

... It is just so hard because in my heart I know that he is a good person screaming out for help... .  

is it possible this last statement is more reflective of your need to save than his need for saving? one perspective--it doesn't sound like he thinks he needs to change much, so perhaps he wouldn't agree with this statement so much? another way of looking at it is, well, we know he's a screamin' , but is it really for help?

ha, i think my ex would have mentally shanked me if i asked her if she wanted help with her 'condition', , but each situation is different