What characteristic would you like to acquire from your ex BPD person in ur life

[HarmKrakow]

Question is straight forward.

I just thought about it as I normally work 5 days a week where I sleep in a hotel (as I live 2h away from my work) but today I decided to go home. And man oh man, it made me flash back all the bad old memories i had with her, the places where she would wait for me at the train station, where she would be waiting for me at my home. None of that anymore ... so it just *ng hurts again with agony.

And every time I bring back up good memories between the two of us with her ... she says DON'T DO THAT, that's the past ... and now when I think, when knowingly she's already over this and blocking it in her head, I still even struggle buying something we used to drink together, let alone sleep in my bed where she slept, and go somewhere where I can still picture her standing.

What would I like to acquire as a characteristic?

That I don't give a      button in my head. That switch which allows you to walk over your best friends, your father, your gf, and pretend they didn't mean nothing to you in your life and you can continue from day 1 to day 2 as if nothing happened. You see somewhere where you have been romantic before? And you can easily go there again, as it doesn't affect your daily functioning. Although its just a figure of speech

Besides that characteristic of a BPD person, i'm pretty sure there is nothing else I would ache for

[sunrising]

You don't want that either, because with it comes tremendous confusion, an inability to truly love another, and the inability to truly be loved.  You're better off as the one who feels empathy.  

sunrising

[Want2know]

I have to say that the button you are referencing is more that they don't know how to handle situations properly, so it's 'easier' to react as if they don't care.  But, besides that point... .  

I would like to have some of the passion that my ex had.  Many times, that passion was misguided, but sometimes it wasn't.  His passion for the environment, for animals, for things that really seemed to matter, and the way he used his charisma and intelligence to talk about it with others.  I have passion, but cannot express it as well as he did, at times.

[HarmKrakow]

I have to say that the button you are referencing is more that they don't know how to handle situations properly, so it's 'easier' to react as if they don't care.  But, besides that point... .  

I would like to have some of the passion that my ex had.  Many times, that passion was misguided, but sometimes it wasn't.  His passion for the environment, for animals, for things that really seemed to matter, and the way he used his charisma and intelligence to talk about it with others.  I have passion, but cannot express it as well as he did, at times.

Mine actually told me, that she didnt care. And ofcourse while i agree having empathy is being better off, it feels like it would be easy to have a "figurative" button to switch it off.

[mango_flower]

Sad but true - I'd like to acquire the ability to have people pick me up and help me when I am really feeling awful, rather than just punching me on the arm and saying "you're a tough cookie, you'll get through this!"

She seems to have an uncanny knack of being able to get a whole new social circle of friends who care about her (until she screws them over!) and they put her up, give her a place to stay, a shoulder to cry on, and listen to her say what an awful person I am.

And I am still here, broken but trying so hard to put on a brave face.  And sometimes, I just want to be looked after too.

I hate admitting that.

[sunrising]

In a way, I guess maybe we can have that "button".  It would actually be a 3-way toggle switch that flips between "Off", "Boundaries on" and ":)etach".  But having it accompanied by the rest of the BPD traits obviously isn't worth it.  Someone started a thread yesterday along the lines of "If you knew about BPD, would you still have gotten into the r/s?".  My answer was a huge NO.  But if you asked me would I rather have gone through what I have or be a pwBPD, I'll take what I got.  I can recover, already am recovering, and will actually be stronger/ wiser in the end.  This will happen over the course of a few months.  My poor ex, who is a poster child for BPD, will take years of intense therapy to be "normal", if she ever is... .    That is a dismal prognosis.

But, to answer the question, I admired her as a listener.  She listened to me very well in casual conversation.  Better than I tend to... .    Granted, if I tried to use logic or reason and her emotions were even slightly off kilter, I might as well have been talking into the wind, but she listened generally well.    

[Themis]

What would I like to acquire as a characteristic?

That I don't give a      button in my head. That switch which allows you to walk over your best friends, your father, your gf, and pretend they didn't mean nothing to you in your life and you can continue from day 1 to day 2 as if nothing happened. You see somewhere where you have been romantic before? And you can easily go there again, as it doesn't affect your daily functioning. Although its just a figure of speech

Yes! I want that so badly!

just not to care. How and why do they cut off? How can one cut off empathy and memories so easily?

I want that "off" switch he has.

I want that lone-wolf streak he has, where is he wants to say he needs no-one and can be alone forever he can.

Just that emotional strength they seem to have. It blows me away. Walk away and never look back.

[mosaicbird]

Just that emotional strength they seem to have. It blows me away. Walk away and never look back.

It is not emotional strength... .  Not by a long shot. It's living in fear so great that they have to dissociate from it or feel as though they're going to stop existing.

Anyway, the one trait I would want would be her way with words.

[Discarded26]

What would I like to acquire as a characteristic?

That I don't give a      button in my head. That switch which allows you to walk over your best friends, your father, your gf, and pretend they didn't mean nothing to you in your life and you can continue from day 1 to day 2 as if nothing happened. You see somewhere where you have been romantic before? And you can easily go there again, as it doesn't affect your daily functioning. Although its just a figure of speech

Yes! I want that so badly!

just not to care. How and why do they cut off? How can one cut off empathy and memories so easily?

I want that "off" switch he has.

I want that lone-wolf streak he has, where is he wants to say he needs no-one and can be alone forever he can.

Just that emotional strength they seem to have. It blows me away. Walk away and never look back.

The cut off is the worst, how can they just 'forget' you

Wish I could do the same

[GreenMango]

Harm,

Seriously you want to not be able to have real, meaningful attachment and bonding with others? Why?

This thread is a venting thread disguised in a rhetorical question.  If you are hurt about the way the relationship ended and the lack of empathy from your ex ... .  do the hard talk about your feelings.  If its truly about the good things you liked then say that.

As others have pointed out their ex had good qualities they could identify with.  Not everything about them was awful, or you wouldn't have wanted a relationship.

[Vegasskydiver]

You don't want that either, because with it comes tremendous confusion, an inability to truly love another, and the inability to truly be loved.  You're better off as the one who feels empathy. 

I really don't understand how having empathy is better.  My empathy has caused gut wrenching heartache and pain so unbearale that I can barely breath.  I too long for that abilility to "turn off the feelings".  I have asked my exBPDbf how he does that and he looks at me like "doesn't everyone have that ability"?  When he broke up for the umteenth time last month he didn't want to talk.  He told me that he has to completely shut down.  He told me that he no longer was in love with me, when just a few nights prior he was sitting accross from me at dinner with tears in his eyes saying "do you have any idea how much I love you... .  you have the ability to completely destroy me... .  ". 

My stomach hurts just thinking about his words.   

[Discarded26]

You don't want that either, because with it comes tremendous confusion, an inability to truly love another, and the inability to truly be loved.  You're better off as the one who feels empathy. 

I really don't understand how having empathy is better.  My empathy has caused gut wrenching heartache and pain so unbearale that I can barely breath.  I too long for that abilility to "turn off the feelings".  I have asked my exBPDbf how he does that and he looks at me like "doesn't everyone have that ability"?  When he broke up for the umteenth time last month he didn't want to talk.  He told me that he has to completely shut down.  He told me that he no longer was in love with me, when just a few nights prior he was sitting accross from me at dinner with tears in his eyes saying "do you have any idea how much I love you... .  you have the ability to completely destroy me... .  ". 

My stomach hurts just thinking about his words.   

Yep. Same old words, funny how it all adds up together in the end

[Themis]

I am a little shocked by having at least three people go through the same thing.

The sudden split, and then the lack of reaction to it, to our reaction, to themselves. Just BANG, I'm done with this.

It's shocking for me as when we broke up two years ago he had tears in his eyes (he left me) and was devastated.

He went through almost as much depression as me, but felt due to circumstances

(Money, him wanting more freedom, him knowing he would make me unhappy and cause me lots of tears and I considered ending it but never did.

I never told him that but he reads me so well.)

In many ways it's like he left me before I could leave him. The relationship lost the some of the spark so he sat me down and told me nicely that it had to end.

It really was one of the best break-ups as there was no anger or bitterness. He wanted to be friends, but said if I didn't want that was understandable. He seemed SO relieved when I said I was happy to be his friend.

We had a friendship before the relationship, so we have years as friends, I considered we would always be friends.

Now two years later we've been best friends (ok, ok with benefits and living together. complicated)

He ended the friendship VERY differently to the relationship. He just stopped talking to me, avoids being in the house with me and suddenly looks at me with such hate and disgust.

Mind you I didn't do anything bad against him to justify this.

It hurts me immensely as I thought we'd part ways like we did before... .  on a sweet note and good memories.

Not in scream match (so ugly) and silence and hurt. With him basically discarding me and saying I mean nothing and that was that.

Generally he takes hurtful things back within a couple of days but it's been 4-5 days so I think he's serious.

That's it. It just blows my mind after all this time that is it.

I want that "off" switch he has too, so I can move on like he has, and... .  well Mango has a point---people should mean more than that, maybe we don't want to be like them.

We hurt, but we have integrity.

[almost789]

I would like to acquire his ability to detach they way they do. I don't find this a great quality, but in certain circumstances it would be nice to be able to detach so easily. Circumstances such as an attachment to a pwBPD.

[Vegasskydiver]

I would like to acquire his ability to detach they way they do. I don't find this a great quality, but in certain circumstances it would be nice to be able to detach so easily. Circumstances such as an attachment to a pwBPD.

Amen to that... .  if only I could detach this very moment... .  

[atcrossroads]

My husband has many amazing qualities, but I couldn't be him.  I hope it doesn't sound self-righteous to say that I feel pity for him.  He is the epitome of misery; I prefer joy. It makes me sad, really.

[TheDude]

I'd like to acquire her ability to attract a great partner like me. 

[GreenMango]

I'd like to acquire her ability to attract a great partner like me. 

Now that's the spirit.

[BlushAndBashful]

I'd like to acquire her ability to attract a great partner like me. 

Dude, you totally win this thread!  

Me? I'm not trying to be bitter and hit below the belt. I do wish I could detach better. I'm not going to call myself clingy, but I could use some resiliency. I was always amazed how he could do things like actually FUNCTION after a breakup, when I was just a sniveling ball of sorrow, curled up in bed.  I wish I had one-tenth the amount of his ability to detach.

As far as other traits- my ex was really a great person in so many ways. I wish I could have his patience, his ability to stay calm (unless he's in a r/s, then he goes haywire), his ability to get amazing jobs, and his overall great karma. He's always in the right place at the right time and things seem to ALWAYS go well for him. And he's highly organized.

[Wooddragon]

TheDude is spot on!   

I would like his infectious enthusiasm, his ability to engage unselfconsciously with others - even strangers. His apparent lack of fear of rejection when introducing himself to women & progressing relationships (including friendships & business contacts), his ability to seduce... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Harm,

Seriously you want to not be able to have real, meaningful attachment and bonding with others? Why?

This thread is a venting thread disguised in a rhetorical question.  If you are hurt about the way the relationship ended and the lack of empathy from your ex ... .  do the hard talk about your feelings.  If its truly about the good things you liked then say that.

As others have pointed out their ex had good qualities they could identify with.  Not everything about them was awful, or you wouldn't have wanted a relationship.

I have to admit that im boosted by my shrink's talk, I am. Unfortunately.

My ex showed good qualities before the relationship, but during the r/s and after the clinging phase I realized many of them were not true. Not even by a long shot. And I don't consider it hitting below the belt as I do know they "walk over us" due emotional immaturity and brainwire malfunctioning rather than having that magical button I talk about. However thats the way I (and others) perceive it.

And don't worry i do the hard talk about the feelings, go to a T, but he also keeps telling me that what she showed me during this r/s and why I thought she did all that are two worlds apart.

[almost789]

I WAS going to mention those same things Woodragon. Wow. The total lack of fear of rejection in the beginning was astounding. It was one thing that kind of drew me to him. I turned him down quite rudely initially expecting him to never return, but he did anyway. Maybe thats a red flag I need to remember next time. And also the enthusiasm and the ability to seduce. Again pretty remarkable in him. Stood out for sure. But the strangest thing is these qualities completely dissappeared after a few months together and the mask started coming off. Very weird.