Falling for the "I've changed my ways"

[sunrising]

I see a lot of posts on here from people who allow themselves to be convinced by their exwpd that they've "seen the light".  We all know what happens next: recycle (or at least manipulation), devaluation, pain.  I thought I'd share my own experience with how, even with treatment, pwBPD don't change "overnight" (or in a few weeks)

My ex was diagnosed while spending 5 days in voluntary treatment for what I would classify as a "breakdown".  When my ex got out of treatment, she was very self-aware; moreso than I've ever seen her.  I spent time with her for the 3 days following her treatment before she moved out.  She was acknowledging she has BPD.  Even reading me info on it and saying things like, "Isn't that me?" the night before she moved out.  She had been referred to a BPD specialist and would be starting DBT the next day.  She moved out the next day and I started researching, because I had never heard of BPD.  I immediately started reading about the importance of NC, so I took the advice.  I  ignored 6-8 emails, a few texts, and a few Facebook messages over the course of 3 weeks , before blocking all those.  3.5 weeks into no contact, her son, who I was slated to be a father figure for and who I really became close with, sent me a Facebook message asking me if I would come to his basketball game that weekend.  I replied, "I will if I can".  I have been told her son is taking my departure very badly.  He sent me a text from his grandfather's phone asking "Are we still friends" a few days earlier.   Since I had blocked her primary email address, she used an old email address to send me this message:

it is absolutely inappropriate for you to come to any of ***** sporting events. You are out of our lives. You may push my buttons and try to send me over the edge but do not think about doing it to my child.

you wanna put me in a box, label me, see it black and white. Go ahead. Your attempt at creative song writing hurt like hell. But you are exactly who you don't want to be- you are the ppl you make fun of on fb. I would never publicize us or especially your flaws. I told you many things in confidence. I trusted you  I'm struggling day to day just to survive. Keep acting like you do and it'll make it much easier for me to move on.

You're pissed, be pissed, act like a child. Who's gonna pay your bills now? Who's gonna drive you around drunk? Who's gonna listen to your self absorbed condescending bull~? I know who you are ****. I'm not a fool. You think your fooling everyone else. Keep acting like you do and people will see. You've failed at many things  At least I admit my mistakes and I'm getting help. I will keep my chin up, I will be better. Will you? my resentment and anger will reside. I will love myself and be a good woman and mother.

Now please block this email. I commit to you that I will not contact you as long as you leave my son alone.

As you can see, the self- awareness and control I had witnessed a few weeks earlier had completely left the building at this point.  I could analyze this email piece-by-piece and show you it's absolutely chocked full of projection, but the really important things are:

1) Her son just wanted me to come to his game.  I spent countless hours playing basketball with him and, by everyone's accounts, have been a very positive influence in his life for 2+ years.  :)oes this seem like the email was bout her 12 year old son, or HER?

2) Even if she had a legit reason for me not to come to the game, wouldn't "It is best if you don't come to *** games.  Thank you" have done the trick without the additional 3 paragraphs trashing me?

3) She is STILL trying to control me by threatening to "get over me".  I haven't responded to her in 3 weeks.  Crazy town... .  

The point of my charming story is that my experience, which is consistent with what I've learned on this board and elsewhere, is that if they tell you they've suddenly "seen the light", or even if they act (temporarily) like they've changed, don't buy it.  It doesn't work that way.  Knowing this has helped with NC and detachment tremendously because my first thought when she acknowledged her disorder and sounded committed to treatment was, "Great!  She'll get better and we'll ride off into the sunset".  I now know that her getting better is a long shot and it won't be any time soon.  

[mango_flower]

Urgh.  Her poor son!  I wish I had some helpful advice... .  I don't.  All I can say is stick it out - who knows what mood she will be in tomorrow, or the next day... .  

It's so tough.  You're doing great - just keep your head above water and keep busy. x

[sunrising]

Urgh.  Her poor son!  I wish I had some helpful advice... .  I don't.  All I can say is stick it out - who knows what mood she will be in tomorrow, or the next day... .  

It's so tough.  You're doing great - just keep your head above water and keep busy. x

The son is the hardest part.  I can't really think about that yet, and it's been a month now.  I'm gonna have to let that part hit me in a 2nd wave.  Luckily I have a good relationship with his father who has already told me I can see the son "after the smoke clears". 

I don't care what mood she is in tomorrow or the next day.  I can't care because it won't be based on anything other than her completely erratic emotions. She could seem "better" tomorrow and then derail the next day.  It's what pwBPD do.   That's kind of my point.  Don't get convinced by temporary behavior or words that they're "better."  It doesn't work that way. 

[mango_flower]

Sorry - I didn't explain that well, I meant re: the son - maybe when she is in a different mindset she'll be ok for you to go to the odd sports game of his?

It's so sad, he is losing out because of her... .  urgh that truly sucks!

[sunrising]

Sorry - I didn't explain that well, I meant re: the son - maybe when she is in a different mindset she'll be ok for you to go to the odd sports game of his?

It's so sad, he is losing out because of her... .  urgh that truly sucks!

I see what you're saying and it's horrible for her son. Without regard to whether I'm a good influence, which I felt like I was, he adored me.  I'm one of at least 5 men (that I know of) who've come in and out of his life in 12 years.  

But that wasn't my point either... .   While I appreciate your sympathy, I cannot rely on her "mood" or "mindset" to determine ANYTHING I do. Me not having a relationship with her son is probably a forgone conclusion, though I may try to see him at some point to assure him I care for him.    There are 3 main points (and I'm making them as much for me as for you or anyone else): 1) if I rely on her to determine the nature of my relationship with him, she'll use it to manipulate me. 2) If I rely on her "mood" for ANYthing, I'm volunteering for crazy-making.   It's inevitable. 3) Most importantly, even if she contacts me tomorrow and acts "normal", even remorseful, it's a ruse.  It won't last.  They don't "just change".  

[patientandclear]

Hi ... .  sounds like a tumultuous time, & I realize I don't have all the parts of your story just in the initial post here. But I'm not understanding why you suddenly ended all contqact w/this woman, just when she had been hospitalized & was starting treatment. Was there stuff going on at that time that made you feel unable to stay in touch?

I don't get your conclusion that "they don't change" based on these facts. She sounds furious that you've abandoned her when she was doing some very hard things to deal w/her own disorder. She's just starting to try to deal with this & meanwhile it sounds like you've disappeared very completely from her life. If she's ended the r/s (which doesn't sound like it's the case from your post but maybe I'm misunderstanding) or been abusive & you're in pain & need separation to heal, the NC choice may make sense for you, but of course it's going to be painful for her.

NC isn't a method for dealing w/someone else's disorder, it's a means of protecting yourself if that's needed to gain separation & detachment. Is that your situation? If not, maybe it's not the choice that makes sense in this situation?

Best of luck in what sounds like a difficult & fraught situation.

[sunrising]

That's a good question.  Obviously I've struggled with tremendous guilt over what you're asking.    

The way the relationship ended was odd, to say the least.  For 3 days she was out of state and all our contact was by phone.  I can't possibly tell the whole story here, but lets just say she was in and out of hysterics.  Crying uncontrollably, etc... .   One day she was never coming back to our home, the next she needed to come back immediately (and I needed to drive 2.5 hrs one way to get her). She was telling me one minute, in detail, how her parents would be coming to get her stuff later in the week (threatening me with the relationship to manipulate my emotions, a specialty of hers) and five minutes later (literally) insisting she come home IMMEDIATELY.  This type of behavior went on for 3 full days.  Never once was I angry, upset or volatile.  At the continued urging of our therapist, I was merely consistent and firm. Over and over, I said things like, "I'm not ending our relationship.   I'm just telling you I'm no longer participating in parts of it." And "I will no longer respond to your attempts to guilt me or threaten to end the relationship".   Each time I was firm and consistent (boundaries), she ratcheted up her crazy behavior.  On Wednesday, she said to me, "I hope if something happens to me, you'll feel a little bad".  I responded "If something happens to you, that will be a decision you make.  That is out of my control".   She kept saying "you're not the man I thought you were" and "you've never talked to me this way".  She was right on the 2nd one, I had never set any boundaries with her.   By Thursday afternoon, she had admitted herself (with her parents' help) to a mental care center.    

I had no contact with her until the following Monday, when she called me from the center.  We talked about how she was doing, what it was like there, etc.  I mostly listened.  She called me again Tuesday and wanted to talk a little more about "us" this time.   She asked "are we over". I said, "I'll be right here when you get out and I think it would be better if we discussed that after you're released". She persisted 3 more times until I finally said, "I will tell you the same thing I did last week.  I am not saying the relationship is over, but I am no longer participating in certain parts of it.  I would like to discuss this with you as soon as we can get together".    She was released the next day.  I received a text from her telling me how her parents would be coming to my house later in the week to get her stuff.   Having fought to keep her 4 times in 2 years, and at the urge of our therapist, I didn't try desperately to stop her for the first time.  

She moved out later that week, we never had any kind of discussion about the relationship, and I commited to NC the next week.  So in reality, I never ended the relationship.   I just insisted, multiple times over 2 weeks, that we needed to discuss the relationship like adults.  We never did and she's gone.  


What could/should I have done differently and what should I be doing differently now?  I would love to support her.  But how can I protect myself from someone willing to lash out at me the way she did in that email?   That's not the first time she has tried to be as mean as possible to me, and for telling her son I'd come to his game if I can?  

Yes, I have been in tremendous emotional pain.  That's why I'm here. I barely slept or ate for 3 whole weeks, only starting to do so this past week.  In those 3 weeks, I thought about her/us 60 seconds out of every minute.   This week I'm down to about 55 out of 60.  

If i need to share more details of my story, i can.  I hope someone has some good insight and support.  I only recently started getting past questioning my decision to go NC and started moving toward acceptance.  Having someone else question my decision could be a setback for me.  

sunrising

[patientandclear]

I completely understand spending 55 or 60 seconds of every minute thinking about our BPD partners & the need to get space & have distance to become yourself again ad let your emotions settle & your mind clear, if you are done.

It just sounds like you aren't necessarily done in your own mind, & if so, NC is a pretty disruptive tool in the middle of a r/s, especially w/ a pwBPD who is already prone to fear abandonment.

Sounds to me like maybe you were/are trying a therapeutic separation which people write about on these boards--I haven't read about that approach but you might want to.

Her email, to me, just says "I have BPD."  PwBPD often do say hurtful things. On the Staying board, there are tools for understanding & responding to such dynamics that are about detaching with love from raging or other behavior that's not healthy to participate in.  If you aren't sure you want to be done, you might read those tools (right side of the page on STAYING) & see if they sound like an approach that you might want to try.

If you are committed to leaving, the last thing I'd want to do is unsettle that decision or question NC. Relationships w/ pwBPD are usually very hard & at best, less than fully satisfying for the partner. So if you've decided to be done, no one here would doubt that that is a completely justifiable, valid decision that probably makes sense for your emotional health. And it sounds like you've got a supportive therapist who obviously knows a lot more than I aout your situation.

But if you are not committed to leaving, NC can do damage & you may end up regretting it, & that's why I point you to the Staying lessons/tools in case that's really what you're trying to accomplish.

Good luck--this is such hard stuff.

[sunrising]

Thank you for your insight and suggestions, patientand clear.  I appreciate them.  Unfortunately, I've allowed them to send me into a tailspin.

Of course I'm not "done"... .   Is anyone on the "leaving" board really done?  If I were done, I'd be out living my life rather than here.  Or I'd at least be over on the "personal inventory" board... .   My father (retired counselor) always taught me, and my current therapist validated that, "our actions lead and our mind/ emotions follow".  So I've been working very hard to ACT like a person who's "done", in hopes that my emotions will fall in line.  They've been lagging pretty far behind.  For the first 3 weeks, they were nowhere in sight.  Only in the last week have I been able to even start sensing them. (sorry for all the metaphors... .  )

I don't have any faith in the notion that having any contact with my ex won't be dangerous to me.  She will blow up at me for reasons I will not understand, at best, or recycle me and devalue me again, at worst.  We've been through that before.  I have come to understand that her recovery, if it transpires, will be a very long time from now.  I've also been lead to believe that I'm her "trigger" and can be of no assistance to her in her recovery.  Without regard to my own peril, am I misguided in those understandings?   If not, what in the world am I supposed to do?  I feel like trying to continue a relationship with her is equivalent to putting my emotions on a chopping block and handing her the axe again, to use yet another metaphor.  

But if you are not committed to leaving, NC can do damage & you may end up regretting it

I've worked very hard for a month trying to get past that exact, overwhelming fear.  I rationally decided that NC was basically my only option when my emotions have been screaming "call her".  Not 1 member or post on this board has made me question my decision until now.  I'm not begrudging you doing that,  but it has me very, very confused again.  Not only that, I have no idea if she'd even talk to me if I tried.  She has not contacted me since the scathing email I shared above. 

[seeking balance]

I don't have any faith in the notion that having any contact with my ex won't be dangerous to me.  

Follow your instincts - NC is a tool for us to detach and it works as we simultaneously let ourselves grieve and understand the true dynamics of the relationship we were in.

You are on the right path for your recovery.

There is no right/wrong way for this to end right now... .  honestly, she was in a hospital and are in a rough emotional space.   At some point in the future, when your emotions are more balanced, perhaps contact is an option.

Most folks want contact at this point - simply for closure. It is the bargaining phase of grief - you are not alone in feeling and questioning this.  But look at the facts.  Right now contact could be disruptive and a set back for you both.  If there is no need, then there is no need.

Letting go is hard - you are on the right path. 

Peace,

SB

[GreenMango]

Hey I hope you don't mind if I rewind a bit to the first post in this thread.  Admitting to having BPD is a huge move for a person with BPD.  The road to recovery isn't weeks or months... .  it's years.  Years of intensive therapy proven to work in these cases like schema or dbt therapy.  

Typical DBT therapy structure is individual therapy 1x week and group 1x week for a long period of time.  This doesn't include treating other things like addiction, or couples counseling.

As one who's been on the receiving end of the "I've changed" conversations, the proof is in the pudding.

So what's up with email?  Specifically:

- the song on Facebook

- did you out her in some way

- what's with the drunk driving thing

- what's with the bills thing

[sunrising]

- the song on Facebook

- did you out her in some way

- what's with the drunk driving thing

- what's with the bills thing

No problem on rewinding... .   I really appreciate your help.  

The song: I'm a musician and songwriter.  I regularly record songs I write (as well as covers) and post them to Soundcloud.   I always put a link to the songs on Facebook, as many of my friends enjoy hearing them.  On Feb 13, I finished the 1st of 2 songs I've written since our break-up.  On Feb 14, as I've done with every song I've ever recorded, including 3 love ballads over 2 years specifically about her, I posted it to Facebook.  I had blocked my ex on Facebook, but apparently she was using her mom's account to view my profile (I blocked her mom after I learned this).  So she heard the song... .   I fully admit it was an angry song.  But aren't all songs based on emotion?...  I didn't write it to hurt her, and I didn't fully expect her to hear it.  Obviously, the song doesn't mention her by name, but she would know it was about us.  Others just related to "liking" the song, as people do.  To her, it was about HER.  She sent me a couple messages from her mom's Facebook account about how the song hurt her, how it was "wrong" for me to have it up, etc.  I didn't respond.   Her mom (also disordered, in my non-professional opinion), called me 3 times in 7 minutes.  I answered the 3rd time.  She was calling to ask me to take the song down because it was going to cause my ex to "have another breakdown".  Almost as if she was required to listen to it... .   I took the song down.  I talked to my T later that day.  She pointed out that, while taking the song down was considerate of me, I had conveyed the message that my ex (via her mom) could still "get to me" and that if posting the song was consistent with what I always do, I should put it back up the next day if I so desired.  I did so, and never heard from her about it until the email above (8 days later).

Did I out her in some way: I'm assuming she viewed the song as outing her.  As I've stated, I view the song as an expression of my emotions; as virtually all songs are an expression of someone's.  And my posting the song was consistent with what I've done with 35 songs over a 2 year period.

what's with the drunk driving thing: I don't drive drunk.  My ex wasn't much of a drinker, so it wasn't uncommon for her to drive if I had a few.  I viewed this as being responsible.  I take her comment to mean this was something I previously relied on her for and for which I no longer have her to help me with.

what's with the bills thing: I haven't had the best financial situation for about 3 years now, which would include the whole time we were together.  We split bills.  Somewhere along the way, she got it i her mind that she was "carrying me".  We went to lots of dinners I shouldn't have due to finances, and I estimate we split those as well.  Sometimes she would pay.  Sometimes I would.  The only thing she did which was above and beyond a basic split, was she paid for a vacation of ours.  It was a trip I used to do annually and had told her how much I enjoyed it.  She suggested that she would pay for this trip as she wanted us to share that experience.  I was adamant about not being able to afford it and suggested numerous times we should wait until I could.  She insisted and paid for most of the trip.  Other than that, I don't know where she came up with the "who's gonna pay your bills?" question, other than she knows I have struggled financially for a few years, knows I'm sensitive about it, and was looking for ways to "get at me" in that email.    

[GreenMango]

Okay so she's upset by music and the public nature of it.  

She was the DD when you guys went out.

There were times in the relationship when you took turns paying, partnership style.  At points there was some financial struggles.

-None of these are totally horrible things.  I can see if she has BPD how some of things might upset her and how some of the things might be blown out of proportion.

She's upset now about being around her child.  I understand the bond and when her son reached out to you.  That would pull at anyone's heart strings.

You mentioned you seeing a therapist and working through establishing boundaries in regards to her behavior.  It's a good thing.  This normally comes with some friction though.  Things have been escalating with her during the last part of the breakup and after.

Do you think it might be a good thing for you to reconsider seeing her child, it looks like you are a trigger for her?  She doesn't seem to be able to handle it.

What would you like to do?  How to handle this moving forward?

[sunrising]

I do not plan to see her son any time soon.   His father mentioned to me that he will be starting baseball soon and I should "just come to one of his games" at some point if I want.  I've got plenty of time to consider that, and if I were to choose to go it's a very public place where I know lots of people. 

My therapist advised me that if her son contacts me again I should say, "I care for you a great deal, but your mother has asked me not to see or talk with you".  Would you agree with this advice?   

What do I want to do?   I used to be able to answer that question immediately, and with very little thought.  I now can't seem to answer it without considering that what I WANT is impossible.  45 days ago I was going to be with a woman for the "rest of our lives" and become a mostly full time father figure for her 12 year old son, who I care for very much and who kind of idolized me.  I had prepared myself for that emotionally and was, perhaps mistakenly, very much looking forward to both prospects.  I can rationalize how it's best that didn't happen, but it's still an awful lot to lose in a very short time. It feels like the equivalent of 2 deaths.  So, I guess the first thing I want is to NOT want that. 

[patientandclear]

sunrising:

First, I apologize for sending you into a tailspin. When we choose a hard course like NC & have to overcome our own longing to do so, I know how hard it is to doubt the choice. I did 10 months of NC w/my ex & I know how hard it is.

I guess my point above is that the question is whether you want to be finished with the r/s. If so, NC probably makes sense--it is a helpful tool for most of us.

But the decision that comes first is whether you're done w/the r/s. Are you?  Your fear that she will always hurt you is likely well-founded. Not a lot of evidence on these boards that pwBPD, even with lots of targeted therapy, become easy people to be in love with. Most smart people would probably choose to exit! And most who stay probably have lurking co-dependent rescuing tendencies that aren't their healthiest aspects. So ... .  the decision to be done is almost certainly an excellent one.

I just don't know that you've made it. It feels like with NC you've committed to a tactic before making the more fundamental decision about whether you are ready for this to be over.

I'm sorry if I've misunderstood & you are/were certain of that, because th last thing I'd want to do is undermine that certainty.

[sunrising]

sunrising:

First, I apologize for sending you into a tailspin. When we choose a hard course like NC & have to overcome our own longing to do so, I know how hard it is to doubt the choice. I did 10 months of NC w/my ex & I know how hard it is.

I guess my point above is that the question is whether you want to be finished with the r/s. If so, NC probably makes sense--it is a helpful tool for most of us.

But the decision that comes first is whether you're done w/the r/s. Are you?  Your fear that she will always hurt you is likely well-founded. Not a lot of evidence on these boards that pwBPD, even with lots of targeted therapy, become easy people to be in love with. Most smart people would probably choose to exit! And most who stay probably have lurking co-dependent rescuing tendencies that aren't their healthiest aspects. So ... .  the decision to be done is almost certainly an excellent one.

I just don't know that you've made it. It feels like with NC you've committed to a tactic before making the more fundamental decision about whether you are ready for this to be over.

I'm sorry if I've misunderstood & you are/were certain of that, because th last thing I'd want to do is undermine that certainty.

There's no need for an apology.  I probably need to be challenged, and you're doing it.  I guess, perhaps, I misunderstood the objective of NC.  I have been viewing it as a tool to help in the process of detachment.  You're making it sound more like an action which comes as a result of detachment.  I'm absolutely not completely ready for this to be over.  As I've stated, I long for her every single waking minute, almost no matter what I'm doing.  But my wise mind, when it clicks on occasionally, tells me I'm longing for a poison.

I shared my struggles of today with my father, a retired counselor.  His response:

""sunrising", you must stand strong.  Do not doubt yourself.  I liked XXXX a lot, but she has messed with your mind (albeit not all intentional).  It is in the genes apparently. (ex's son) is a project for somebody.  (ex's father) and (ex's mother) are projects.  They will always stand by their only child even if it casts a black cloud over someone like you.  The black cloud is better than the eye of the hurricane.  It would wear you out, take away your best years and leave you feeling guilty because you could not rescue her.  I want you to have a life.

Love, Dad"

 

My dad is a damn fine substitute wise mind when mine's on the skids. 

So, I guess I'm not "ready" for the relationship to be over, but I realize it must be.  I've never felt very conflicted about important things in my life and no one else has ever made that observation of me, at least to me.  I've always been able to make decisions about things of this nature fairly confidently.  To recognize this level of internal confusion in myself is nothing short of mind-boggling for me. 

[almost789]

It seems to me you made this decision to leave and detach based on your logic and facts. You said youve broken up 4 times and mention all sorts of turmoil with the relationship. Your therapist and family also in their knowlege of your history have also recommended this. You are on the leaving board. I see absolutely no reason why you should be questioning your decision based on your emotions and your feelings. Were all still connected by the heart initially. Lead with your head, dont question yourself now.

[seeking balance]

sunrising,

NC is a tool to detach that you and your family wisely decided to use... .  you know what you need to do even if it goes against your heart.

As LifGoesOn2 says, lead with your head now.  It is very normal to question our decisions as we are in the bargaining phase of grief.  Only after you can truly get your head around all that you have endured will you have the capacity to perhaps engage with her... .  right now, contact will hurt you both.

There is a big balance between feeling our emotions and using logic to enforce our boundaries - you are in the right place and it sounds like your father is a wise mind indeed.

Hang in there - please keep to your own wise mind.  

Best,

SB

[sunrising]

I really appreciate all the support and insight.  I don't know how all you fine folks find the time to tend to people like me, or how you can ever possibly be "compensated" for doing so, but I hope I can somehow be of this much help to total strangers at some point in my life.

[almost789]

SB is right and I was thinking how good I am at applying logic until it comes to my own emotions. I have flip flopped about my BPD more times than I can remember, when logically it shouldn't even be a question.

[sunrising]

SB is right and I was thinking how good I am at applying logic until it comes to my own emotions. I have flip flopped about my BPD more times than I can remember, when logically it shouldn't even be a question.

Oh, the times I've looked back at this relationship and thought "If any one of my close friends told me they were going through this and asked for my advice, I'd say something along the lines of 'RUN!'... .  "    And therein lies the challenge.  Learning to follow the advice I'd give others... .     In all honesty, that's one of the main (admittedly selfish) reasons I feel compelled to reply to others' posts on this board.  I give what I consider to be relatively sound advice/ opinions, and then force myself to read them since most of the questions could have just as easily been posted by me as the other person. 

[almost789]

... .  I would have never accepted any of this stuff before my pwBPD. I would think a friend of mine had lost her bonkers if she told me this stuff and she stayed. But I get how you feel you should listen to your friends and others. Sadly, to my detriment when my heart is in control I don't listen to anyone.

[patientandclear]

sunrising, I apologize again.  I was not at all trying to challenge a decision you'd made.  I was asking if you had made a decision about how you wanted to handle the r/s at this point, because that wasn't clear to me in your original post.  In your original post, you said you were with her, learned of her BPD diagnosis, did research, learned of the importance of NC, started NC, and then she sent you the angry email when you wouldn't respond to her communication after having been with her when she returned from the hospital & then voluntarily entering treatment.

To me there is no mystery about where the anger in the email comes from, given that you suddenly ended communication after being with her & supporting her after her breakdown.  I had the impression that you thought NC was a sort of way to handle someone's BPD even if you were staying the r/s -- I missed the part where you decided to end it.

It seems fairly clear from these posts that you have decided to end it.  If so, the last thing I want to do is challenge that!  It's a hard decision, almost always a good one, and we are here to be supportive especially when what is needed is so hard.

[sunrising]

sunrising, I apologize again.  I was not at all trying to challenge a decision you'd made.  I was asking if you had made a decision about how you wanted to handle the r/s at this point, because that wasn't clear to me in your original post.  In your original post, you said you were with her, learned of her BPD diagnosis, did research, learned of the importance of NC, started NC, and then she sent you the angry email when you wouldn't respond to her communication after having been with her when she returned from the hospital & then voluntarily entering treatment.

To me there is no mystery about where the anger in the email comes from, given that you suddenly ended communication after being with her & supporting her after her breakdown.  I had the impression that you thought NC was a sort of way to handle someone's BPD even if you were staying the r/s -- I missed the part where you decided to end it.

It seems fairly clear from these posts that you have decided to end it.  If so, the last thing I want to do is challenge that!  It's a hard decision, almost always a good one, and we are here to be supportive especially when what is needed is so hard.

Again, no apology is needed.  I should have shared more details that probably would have helped it all make more sense.  I never officially ended the relationship, and she decided to move out; presumably because I said we needed to have an adult talk.  She indicated to me that she "knew it was best for us not to talk" (I'm sure this was a result of advice from her therapist, etc), then apparently changed her mind a few days later.  Having learned more about BPD, I knew this was typical behavior.  I don't imagine I'd have received any of the messages, etc from her if she had rebounded (which she did  before recycling me the 1st time).  I also assume she hasn't rebounded (if she hasn't) because I imagine her therapist has stressed the importance of not getting into another relationship.   In short, I could either choose NC or try to have a really weird relationship with a known BPD who just moved out of my house to live with a (gay) guy she met 2 days earlier, in a  city she moved to a year earlier specifically to be with me.   If that sounds confusing, it's because it is.  That's also why I didn't share all the details which may have helped you better understand my decision to go NC.

With all that said, I'm NC because I don't trust her not to hurt me, even under the (impossible) pretense of us "just being friends".  I now understand that even though she wouldn't "mean" to hurt me again, it would be inevitable.  My right mind can't let me sign up for that.

[patientandclear]

Smart.  You are seeing very clearly despite the sadness & longing.  Your dad rocks, too.