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Author Topic: Your curse will be a gift  (Read 382 times)
tonyyeboah

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« on: February 26, 2013, 11:49:29 PM »

Hello all, firstly, congratulate yourself on being on this site. It shows that you are committed to your happiness and committed to self discovery (though you may not realise this yet)

I am a male, 23 years old and was in a very typical BPD relationship for a duration of about a year (on and off, of course LOL) which ended in January 2012.

When it ended, i had discovered i had HPV, genital warts, and i was having what would medically have been described as anxiety attacks. I was bed stricken. I had no reason to live.

It has been a little over a year. Not a day passes when i dont think about my expwBPD. I used to lust over her incredible sexuality, her beauty, her innocence. How i longed to take care of her and save her. How i believed i "loved" her. Never before have i ever been so dangerously attached to anyone and never will i be again. There have been many times, in the past year, when i have felt hatred towards her, disbelief over the whole encounter, complete apathy, self disgust, self pity. Every emotion it is possible to feel, every thought to think, i believe i have done so.

Now when i think of her and my time with her, i am extremely grateful. I am grateful that i met her, grateful that i contracted genital warts, grateful of all that it and her eventually forced me to uncover within myself and about myself.

I thought meeting her was a curse. But now i see it was a gift. Without meeting her, i would still be a slave, to my mind, to my thoughts, to the opinion of others, to my upbringing, to the past, to the future. Now i am free. That is the gift of BPD.

If you dig deep enough, into your past, into who you are, what now seems like a curse, will one day be a gift.

The material that you need is out there.

I would recommend the following:

"Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw

"The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" By Eckhart Tolle

"The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You" By Elaine N. Aron

"The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to be and Embrace Who You are" By Brene Brown.

My advice, if you really want to change your life and move on from your expwBPD is the following:

Stop listening to other people (I see the irony here) Stop worrying about what you look like, stop thinking medication or counselling or meeting your soul mate will fix or save you (although counselling maybe very useful, and medication maybe necessary in extreme cases) and stop thinking that if you work hard enough, do or say or eat the right things, or make enough money then you will be happy.

Start working through the books above, i would suggest in the order i have given, and i would also suggest listening to the audiobooks. Then be patient and never give up on yourself.

I came to this board in my darkest hours and received great advice. So i would lke to hopefully give back by doing the same thing for you.

Most importantly of all, detach from all means of contact with your expwBPD immediately and for the rest of your life.

Sending love and strength your way.  

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Want2know
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2934



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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2013, 12:23:32 PM »

It's good to see you've done a lot of reading.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Based on all that you have learned, how would you re-tell your 'story' now?

I am 22 years old and have just been dumped 5 days ago my by ex BPD gf who i met on a fateful christmas evening in 2010 when i was 21 and she 16 (she told me she was 18.) This is the story of our relationship.

She took my virginity, when i was at a point when i thought id never be able to have sex (having tried and failed with around a dozen girls due to erectile dysfunction caused - i think - by a girl i met when i was 14 who severely dented my confidence)

Our relationship was so intense. It revolved around me trying to help her with her issues and dissuade her from suicide, and of course sex. Sex beyond my wildest virgin dreams! To begin with i could never get it up and then had to use viagra, occasionally it worked without it and it was great! Especially since i thought i would never be able to even do it.

Having found this site i now notice she followed pretty much to the book the standard BPD seduction technique. I was vulnerable, having lost my mother to cancer about 8 months earlier and having never had a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone. I now question how much of what she said was true (childhood sexual abuse and schizophrenia) and how much of it was just a ploy to manipulate me.

She then tried to kill herself, not for the first time in her life, in January a few weeks after we met. I helped get her sectioned (for about the 5th time in her life) before leaving to go traveling around the world for 3 months, which i had booked before meeting her. Family and friends said "leave her alone, run away!" and i thought: great, she is safe, i have got over my sexual anxieties and can go have fun. I did have fun, but was still troubled with erectile dysfunction when i met girls. And i missed her. I missed her needing me, wanting me, and "loving" me.

When i came back we saw eachother again, and immediately started having sex and had a relationship, it was great fun, we like the same music and have a similar sense of humour, i couldnt have asked for more. After 3 months of sectioning and therapy she was more stable. However she gradually deteriorated.

The sex became more intense and violent, coinciding with her becoming temporarily addicted to ecstasy. I hit her, whilst we were having sex, because i was upset and confused at her deterioration and at my continued occasional sexual shortcomings, but mostly because she was begging, pleading, ordering, tempting and manipulating me into doing it. It scared me. The next day she again tried to kill herself with an overdose. This was at the end of july.

I was all over the place and went traveling again. leaving mid august. I had promised myself that if she ever tried to commit suicide again i would leave and it would be over.

For whatever the reason i really missed her, started to email her after about a week saying i wanted to come home, this after we both had said we wanted to break up. She agreed that she wanted us to be together again. So, at the very end of august i booked a flight home for the end of September, so as to still give me a chance to enjoy the trip, and at the advice of her close friend, so as to make sure we each knew what we really wanted. She was not happy about having to wait for me.

Then one night i get a drunken message from her and the next day an explanation. She had been raped. Or so she said. I still do not know if this actually happened. 3 days and a £400 flight later i was back home, 4 months before i was due to be, because of her.

We became closer than ever, we made love, we told eachother we loved eachother and i loved spending time with her! My erection problems were now completely a thing of the past! The sex was incredible and the love and empathizing between us made me feel amazing!

Then, out of absolutely nowhere, literally a couple of days after the best ever day we had had together, she tells me she doesnt like me anymore, never really loved me, doesnt care about me and doesnt want to be with me.

I was so shocked and upset, completely in pieces, feeling empty. This was 5 days ago. Now here i am wondering what the hell to do! I would appreciate your thoughts and want to say how grateful i am for this sites existence.

I have read up a lot about BPD and how they are and why they act the way they do. I am only really looking for advice on what i should do, part of me thinks i love her and would do anything for her, the other half feels completely crushed and that i was just a pawn in her quest for survival in her internal world of torment and pain.

Thankyou

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