Rant

[Mistified247]

Apologies in advance but I need to vent my current thoughts onto the board.


It's strange when I look back on things. The day I broke up with her was when she got back from her holiday with the girls. She looked wrecked, like she hadn't slept the entire time she was there.  She left on bad terms before the holiday as it was, as she got home at about 3am (said she would be home around 7pm!). Never gave me an SMS or phone call to tell me she was going to be late or anything. I was SO angry and upset going to bed. She came in crawled all over me drunk as a skunk telling me how much she loved me, packed her bag and jumped into a taxi cab about 15 minutes after she had got in (3.15am). She left me thinking about how I wanted out for a week whilst she was away. I remember crying the next day when I woke up, because I finally knew I had had enough. Despite really loving the woman, I just couldn't put myself through any more. I know it doesn't do me any favours, but I do wonder about the times when she was away on her own and what exactly she got up to. I remember her telling me how lucky she was to have me, how much she loved me etc. Then during the breakup she said she wanted to grow old with me etc, that really pulled my heart strings and sends shivers down my spine to this day. I think her condition could potentially be more than just BPD. She had severe anxiety, yet at other times she was receptive to discussing her bad behaviour, and how she wanted to improve herself, make some new friends, take up some hobbies etc etc etc. However, I can see it didn't matter how much time I gave her, the changes never came.

Has anyone ever had a BPD that didn't really have any friends or family, that totally relied on you to keep them company and entertain them? That specifically made it harder to leave her.

Then in trying to keep them happy you end up distancing yourself from your friends and family. When she did eventually have a handful of friends, she never wanted to introduce me to them? And after nights out always came back saying how happy she was to be in a relationship... .  Just totally bizarre and weird. Then she would have a go at me for never planning anything for us to do together, and me not being able to afford to travel the world... .  that's life, you can't afford everything. She had no empathy for the fact that my finances were under strain, mostly because I was keeping her happy with meals out etc and then I was using online shopping as some form of therapy to make myself happy.  Sorry for the brain dump, I just streamed that out. I do have an element of fear of running into her in certain areas of the town I live in, which is ridiculous and probably a form of PTSD. I just can't help it. And it scares me that she is trying to stalk me online. Couldn't she just SMS me asking me how I am doing?

Thanks for listening, and sorry for the elongated message.

[GreenMango]

That last scene where she came late and drunk is pretty awful.  Especially because you knew you had enough. 

Being isolated, especially if your in it long enough, seems to be par for the course.  Are those other relationships fixable?

[elessar]

Yes, according to my ex she had no friends. She actually has one since junior high (for past 16 years) but over the last 2-3 years they have been barely in touch. she did have a few in high school and one more female friend in college. I guess thats where I came in. Even while breaking my heart a few weeks back she said she misses her friends (me).

I have also experienced a few times her telling me she needs help and needs to see a psychiatrist. So I do know they feel something isn't right with them. Except that most of them never follow through with getting help.