Has anyone NOT ever heard from their ex again?

[Dave44]

As I read through the topics on these boards I can't help but see one thing in common. Many, if not all members struggle with maintaining NC through their ex's repeated attempts to contact them via texts, emails, phone calls etc etc. Weather it's in an effort to recycle or just the push pull antics so familiar with the the disorder. I'm curious if anyone can relate to my situation where they NEVER heard from their ex again after being discarded? I read so many instances on here of people having to go to great lengths in order to avoid their ex's from contacting them - blocking their cell number, blocking social media, their e-mails. But, has anyone NOT heard from their ex again?

If I'm being honest with myself it does add to the pain a bit more. In a way, by them contacting you it's in a sense some form of validation. Some indication that what you shared with them was real and they do miss you (in their own way albeit). To be dumped and cut out of her life in every way shape and form when just two days prior she was still refering to me as "the one" with out even the smallest, most insignificant attempt to reach out to me is extremely hurtful. It makes me question if it even was/is BPD?

[trevjim]

I'm in same boat as you I think, there was a time where if we had an argument, is have loads of missed calls and texts from her within the hour and without fail.

However this time she got with someone else and now nothing, been over a month now,and not a peep. For the first week she was quite contacty, then I guess she fell for the new guy, and nothing except to sort out finances etc, and since then the no contact has begun.

And like you, I don't want her to contact me, but at the same time a part of me does, so I know she misses me or whatever. Any contact will be bad though no matter what its dressed up as.

I can almost guarantee that if her new relationship fails, ill get a text... .  

[glacier_glider]

In my situation the NC has been very short.

But I have read some posts here where they have not reappeared at all (in years).

[mango_flower]

I can almost guarantee that if her new relationship fails, ill get a text... .  

Agree with this totally.  It stings, the pain of rejection.  It feels like my ex is slipping away more and more, less communication (which makes me happier actually in a practical sense - helps me to move on) but at the same time - yeah- how can I have been her everything, her reason for living... .  and then nothing!  Makes you feel like it was all a lie.  Just have to accept that it wasn't - it was very real at the time.  Doesn't make it easier though, I know. xxx

[sunrising]

Yes, pwBPD will cut you off and never contact you again.  While my ex never did this, she did tell me "When I am done with someone, I never look back".  This is completely consistent with my understanding of BPD behavior.  If you haven't heard from your exwBPD, it's most likely because they have found another "host" to idealize and mirror.  It may or may not be another romantic relationship.  Either way, YOU ARE LUCKY.  As much as you long for the contact because you want to feel missed, NC will speed your recovery tremendously.  I know this is hard to believe now, and you don't have to take it from me, ask any moderator or person with more experience.  On top of that, even if your exwBPD SAYS "I miss you" (or anything to that effect), they don't really miss you like you think of it; In a way that you're a a person they admire, respect, etc... .  They miss you (you could be anyone in the world) being there as an object they use to try to fulfill their needs.  I know this sounds harsh and cynical, but keep reading.  You'll hear it enough and in different ways so that you understand it and believe it.  

[healingmyheart]

I have heard that eventually the BPD person ends up missing their ex and tries to contact them eventually.  It may take awhile... .  maybe they have to cycle through their present relationship and demonize them first to want you again.

I know my ex BPD boyfriend cheated on me with his previous girlfriend so obviously he was missing her... .  such craziness.

[glacier_glider]

In my situation, I have always pointed out to her how she always initiated the contact and asked me to come back.

And once I mentioned that in a conversation with her father who is the most important figure in her life.

Mind you, those were "minor" breakups compared to the last two. Then I had no idea about what BPD was.

She was very pissed off with me "thinking that she was chasing me", so she would never contact me first again. And this is totally fine with me.

Speaking of "chasing"... .  there were two occasions that involved real car chases in the middle of the night. She's frigging crazy. 

[trevjim]

In my situation, I have always pointed out to her how she always initiated the contact and asked me to come back.

And once I mentioned that in a conversation with her father who is the most important figure in her life.

Mind you, those were "minor" breakups compared to the last two. Then I had no idea about what BPD was.

She was very pissed off with me "thinking that she was chasing me", so she would never contact me first again. And this is totally fine with me.

Speaking of "chasing"... .  there were two occasions that involved real car chases in the middle of the night. She's frigging crazy. 

Its mad, the extremes they will go to, to stop you leaving, and then suddenly nothing. Your gone and replaced. Its something we just can't get our heads around.

[sunrising]

I have heard that eventually the BPD person ends up missing their ex and tries to contact them eventually.  It may take awhile... .  maybe they have to cycle through their present relationship and demonize them first to want you again.

It's not that predictable and, in reality, has nothing to do with them "missing you".  If they find other suitable hosts, you may never hear from them.  If they lose a host and haven't identified a new one, they may very well try to recycle you.  Will this be because they "miss you" (in the way normal people do)?  No... .    It will be because you have already proven yourself a host willing of attempting to fulfill their needs.   I know this sounds harsh and I am not suggesting you aren't worthy of being missed.  You are.

sunrising

[healingmyheart]

Great assessment... .  it truly isn't about being missed... .  it's about being used yet again.  You've already proven to be a willing victim once... .  

[glacier_glider]

I need to read more on mirroring because there is something that just came to my mind.

Every time I left her or she left me, it was painful to think about how good it was in the beginning. If this was solely based on mirroring (and I now tend to think it was because I know how "empty" or emotionally shallow she is and is), then with the new person it will not be the same. Because the new person will be mirrored. So when you imagine that the new person is getting exactly the same as you were getting, you may not be absolutely right.

Not that I care any longer. Thanks to anti-anxiety medications and the knowledge that I acquired here.

Just a thought... .  

[jp254958]

 

Never heard from her again.  Been since early October.  She shipped all the stuff back that I gave her and didn't respond to my three attempts to contact her by email. 

pwBPD will often cut the spouses out if their life forever.  They replace you with someone else and based on the other posts here, they will sometimes reach out to you after their other relationships don't work out (they rarely do to begin with which is why many come back to recycle you.). But if they keep finding new prospects, they'll keep going forward with their path of madness because of their intense mental health issues and because it's the only way they know.

My situation was a bit unique respective to her living arrangement. She's a caretaker at a dog rescue (lives at a house on the premises) and her boss is a typical narcissist. The last time I saw my ex, we had a huge argument where she wound up pushing me because I was fed up with her walking out on me, so I wrapped my arms around her arms to stop the pushing, and she bit me.  I let her go and the next day, her boss said I was banned from ever volunteering at the rescue, and accused me of domestic violence.  I received a letter saying that I would be subject to arrest if I walk on the property.  I have no idea why my ex even said I did, and clearly it was a huge lie or exaggeration in a typical BPD smear campaign. The narcissistic boss also told my ex that she wasn't allowed to leave the rescue, marry me, or move in with me at an earlier point.

I mention all this because my ex may have recycled me if she wasn't in a situation where her boss was in a position to fire her and take away my ex's adopted dogs. Maybe not. 

I'm sorry you miss your ex. I really am. I know how it feels. And I know how much it hurts to be completely discarded by someone you really cared about.  And I know how hard it is to take it on the chin for behavior that made no sense at all.  It's unfair and we deserved love instead of insanity. And like you, i know how hard it is to get the ex out of my mind after such a traumatic experience (PTSD?)

Your best bet may be to try to survive this storm through time, mindfulness/meditation practice, and trying or returning to things in life that you enjoy doing.  If you make the right steps, you'll get to a point where you'll realize that happiness resides within you (100%), that you can recover from this, that you do deserve the love you hoped for, that you are worth the hard work to recover from this, and that you will be happy again. 

I am wishing the best for you.

[BlushAndBashful]

It's been almost 18 months for me. I have initiated contact on two occasions, met with him, but that was because I demanded it (he vanished without even telling me we "broke up"~ so finally after 3 months I wanted to get my belongings back).

We had broken up many times, and I was almost always the one to reach out to him.  Correction: he was the one to dump me flat on my a--, and I would beg him to get together.

I honestly had expected to hear from him long ago, and there have been little "signs" that he was thinking of me on certain anniversaries- but no, he hasn't made any effort at all in almost a year and a half. In fact, he avoids me and still changes many facets of his life so he doesn't need to see me.

[almost789]

I have read about many people who have been cut off completely with no further contact and forever.

[sunrising]

but no, he hasn't made any effort at all in almost a year and a half. In fact, he avoids me and still changes many facets of his life so he doesn't need to see me.

Shame and guilt... .    Don't take this personally.  The fact that he hasn't contacted you has NOTHING to do with you. 

[bb12]

Hey Dave44

Yep - 13 months since mine commenced the silent treatment and has never yielded

I begged, pleaded for communication in those first few months. The silent treatment is pure torture and equated to 'emotional murder'. It is very malicious and cruel ... .  and deliberate.

And the I raged (extinction burst) down the phone after 5 months... .  and they use this as further justification to continue the silence.

Nasty, crazy making stuff.

NPD (Narcissists) more than BPD, do the discard with silence. They are both Cluster B conditions, but I feel my ex is more N than B because of this issue.

And it makes a mockery of the entire time you had together... .  to adore you a day, a week, a month before being able to just cut the cord completely

Such an amazing journey to recovery... .  I don't think I have survived anything tougher than to have someone I cared about very much, just disappear. I have had to pull on every reserve, and yet the fact I am still on this site is testament to the damage it can do.

Here is a great article on this very issue that might help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

Good luck

BB12

[RedCandle]

I have not heard from my exBPD in over two months.

This is a record... .  the longest we ever went was about 40 days... .  

The last thing he said to me was "I love you, please believe that."

That was in an email that I did not respond to.

At first I though... .  SURELY I would EVENTUALLY hear from him... .  

... .  but now at over two months... .  my gut tells me I never will.

I refuse to contact him... .  mainly to preserve my healing and my DIGNITY... .  I do not want to hear "Oh, I have a new girlfriend"... .  that would set me back big time.

[MakeItHappen]

NPD (Narcissists) more than BPD, do the discard with silence. They are both Cluster B conditions, but I feel my ex is more N than B because of this issue.

And it makes a mockery of the entire time you had together... .  to adore you a day, a week, a month before being able to just cut the cord completely

Such an amazing journey to recovery... .  I don't think I have survived anything tougher than to have someone I cared about very much, just disappear. I have had to pull on every reserve, and yet the fact I am still on this site is testament to the damage it can do.

bb12, something about the words you used, truly resonated and i needed to read/hear them. thank you.

my exBPD, i think, leans more toward NPD. either way, it sucks, it's hard and a total mind F*** that i'm back in therapy sorting it all out.

 

[glacier_glider]

Honestly, I'd love to come back here a year, five years from now and add to the statistics of those who have not heard from them.

I do stay in touch (with different frequency) with significant women in my life.

Some of those losses were very difficult.

Because I loved them and they loved me.

And it was always my fault for ruining the good, magic thing that we had going for us.

But this? It was disgusting.

I don't need her to contact me and remind me how f-ed up I was to spend four years of my life with her.

[bb12]

Thanks MakeItHappen,

I am largely fine now but also still see a T once a month or so to keep the momentum of my healing up.

The focus is now entirely off my exNPD and onto my own patterns. Fascinating to learn about things like 'other- directedness' and traits within my own character that basically led me to define my own sense of self from the opinions and feedback of others. Like I couldn't source that from myself.

And I think my personality type (one whose self-esteem is directly related to what others think of me) is particularly crushed by passive aggressive behaviours like the silent treatment. It is tantamount to someone I love telling me in no uncertain terms that I don't exist! And it required a ground up rebuilding of myself... .  and for the first time ever, the ability to define who I am, what I am worth, and how to choose better. Yet the pull for answers, accountability, communication of any kind can still be enormously powerful at times. Especially when they seem to be doing so well and largely happy and moved on.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed at how stuck I can get... .  what would he think if he knew that across town, someone they dated was decimated and still pining for them, when all of the evidence points to him having barely thought of me for over a year.

But I have decided the pull is natural... .  and it's not about him at all. It's a shake of the head at the PTSD from this car crash of a relationship. And the pull is from my own inner child screaming at me to ignore it no longer and to give it the love I can sometimes think I want to give to my ex.



bb12

[mssomebodynice]

I want to know too.  I want to know that I meant something.  It has been two months and no contact.  I will not reach out and have never in the passed.  I have only made it clear how I felt.  My BPD went from having one the best days of our lives to trying to control if we were to see each other again?  Two months of no contact after having one of the best days ever!  God help me because I can't get over this person.  They are still there in my mind everyday.  I want to scratch them out!  He has hurt me so badly.  Recandle and I seem to have the same feelings and stories.  It helps so much to listen to others.  It is so easy for me to be angry with what others are going through.  Why is it so hard for me to feel like I am lovable?  I just want to stop this pain.  This pain in my heart.  I want to be healthy.  I want so much to be healthy and to move on.  This pain runs so deep.  It seems to run deep with so many on here.  I am so frightened of finding myself in love with another BPD.  God, please help me to move on.

[goldylamont]

i haven't heard from my exBPDgf in about 5 months. i highly doubt i'll hear from her again. like someone else mentioned, when we were together and would argue, she'd threaten that if i ever broke up with her that she would disappear forever... .  i remember her using the word "poof i'll be gone"... .  threats upon threats. we broke up about a year ago but still kept in contact, largely because i foolishly wanted her back, i didn't know what BPD was until about 10 days ago and now it's like a humongous wave of understanding.

when we broke up she lived with me so it took about 6 weeks for her to find another place. she started dating another guy within a few weeks, basically left her dog starving a few nights at first when they met, and then for a whole month she'd torture me telling me how great her new bf was and how much she could "trust" him. we were still sleeping in the same bed at the time. as soon as she moved her silly arse out, a couple weeks later she was texting me telling me how much her new bf was getting on her nerves. she'd text me before shows (i'm a musician) telling me she was "thinking of me". honestly, i desperately wanted to hear this from her, but i knew it was fake. well, not fake, but i knew she just wanted some support from me so she could discard me when she felt better--i found out that she had used other men as emotional crutches when we had r/s issues (a guy she dated years ago who lived in europe, they would talk on skype and such without my knowledge when we argued). anyway, with this knowledge i knew her contacting me was the same thing--she was realizing that scrappy smurf (her bf at the time, poor fella) wasn't really all that, a lap dog and kiss up.

even though i wanted to communicate she texted me on several occasions when i was waking up next to the girl i was dating (just light dating i was no where near ready for a new r/s). i called her, still loving her, but only as a friend and told her i wanted to not have any contact, not forever but at least for a few weeks. i explained to her i felt that we were both a little weak after ending such a long r/s and that it probably wasn't respectful to our partners to communicate in the way we were. then, BAM she *screams* over the phone "oh whatever! i wasn't flirting with you! are you kidding me? I got over you a loong time ago! you may be weak, so if you're weak and you need time then take all the time you need and be weak. I'm waaaaay past mourning you! i can't believe you accuse me of flirting [insert manufactured cackles here]". it was all BS though, months later she was crying saying she thought of me every day, that she missed the way i smelled and missed waking up to me every morning. foolishly i bit, we planned to try things out, slowly this time, again. the next day she did a 180 said she wanted to stay single. the next few weeks we just contacted each other less and less, she was shutting me out without any reason (i made sure we never argued or even had a disagreement). finally after a few weeks of minor contact (we'd meet for lunch or walk the dog a few times a week, maybe kiss a little, but that's it) i let her know, very calmly, that i needed to know if she was seeing someone else so that i could figure out how to move forward. immediately she gets defensive, then nasty, avoids all questions and tells me i'm pushing her away. then tells me to just call her whenever... .  i never called back, she never called me and i don't think she will. i think she just wanted to get me back into her so that she could feel powerful since i had done the breaking up before. so, yeah, it's been a few months since i've heard from her, and trust me her Ego is too important for her to reach out even if she did have any leftover feelings for me. good riddens.

just last week her roomate (a woman and previous friend of hers) sends me a message on facebook. her friend was distraught, saying they had been fighting, that my ex was acting erratic, that they were getting into physical fights and overall that my ex was nasty and scaring her. they were moving out from their shared apartment. she (the friend) i could tell was deeply hurt but trying to act as if it didn't affect her. that's how i found out about BPD and subsequently this site. a friend of my ex contacted me b/c she finally saw all the BS i had to deal with... .  but, no, don't think the ex will be talking to me any time in the future, and it's for the better

[mssomebodynice]

Sorry, that would be past.  Lol!  At least my typo gave me a laugh!

[goldylamont]

mssomebodynice, consider the pain you feel to actually be the first stage of healing. you've managed no contact for two months, good for you! the pain you're feeling now was there, even on that last day you spent together and were having such a good time, it's just that that pain was buried away, masked underneath the lie of your relationship. i know it hurts but just trust that things will (very slowly) get better over a long-ass time it takes too long! , i know it's frustrating, can you tell i'm frustrated too? just know that at some point in your life you would have to deal with all the emotions we didn't honor while in the r/s with the exBPD so now they are coming back full force to let you know "hey don't ignore me like that ever again! you were hurting! let me show you how much"  give them months a few more months and find healthy was to let them out. i think after a few months you'll see marked improvement, after a year you'll be much better, years later you'll be much *wiser*. hope this helps! you're in the belly of the beast sister but you will survive! 

[sm15000]

I ended my 13 yr r/s.  Three months went past and then he text me.  Over the next 7/8 months there was sporadic meetings, e-mails, texts of basically him doing everything he could to re-engage me.  It was emotionally draining and devastating because what I became aware of was that his re-contacting was nothing to do with me. . .just him.

It went from deperate stuff like pulling at my heart-strings stuff (sending music we used to listen to etc), to words he 'thought' I'd want to hear, to emotional blackmail (I don't think I can carry on if it ends), to continued lying and cold blaming and projection that the break-up was my fault - basically when what he was doing didn't work. 

He tried to fake it but never once did he want a serious conversation or honest conversation about what went on.  So, this person is telling me "he'd never loved another woman like me and never will" etc etc - big emotions right, but is not really prepared to do anything about it

What he knew was, really I was still interested - and he was right.  As long as I still had 'an interest' I was worth keeping hold of for back-up.   The moment I told him, I wasn't interested in keeping touch (although still inside I desperately wanted something to show me I was wrong and to resolve it) poof. . .he was gone and has been for 10 months.

[Scott44]

My ex has replaced me with a non romantic r/s with another female and she has lots of children in her life.  So I doubt that she will demonize this other female replacement.  You never know though, as my ex has a way of pushing the bounds of friendship pretty far.  We haven't spoken for about 6 months.  The one time that we did was when she needed something and her female friend wasn't available.

[sunrising]

My ex has replaced me with a non romantic r/s with another female and she has lots of children in her life.  So I doubt that she will demonize this other female replacement.  You never know though, as my ex has a way of pushing the bounds of friendship pretty far.  We haven't spoken for about 6 months.  The one time that we did was when she needed something and her female friend wasn't available.

I wouldn't count on her not devaluing this new person, even though it's not romantic.  If she has idealized this person, she is going to be "let down" when she learns the new object isn't perfect.  The only way she knows to deal with this disappointment is to split the other person black and find another object.

Do you feel like her relationship with this new person should be a concern of yours?

Were you there for her when her new female friend wasn't available to fulfill her needs?  Would you be if she contacted you now?

[mitti]

My uBPDxbf and I have been broken up 3 weeks. I feel certain he will not contact me again, ever. He has cut me out of his life before and refused contact for 7 months. I was always the one to reach out to him and in the end he responded. Now I won't contact him. I am happy he is out of my life and I don't want him back. I do miss the man I met but I know that is just a disguise and the person he became I wouldn't want any where near me. Saying that though, I would like for him to contact me because for the first time ever I feel capable of telling him I don't want him in my life. I know it may sound mean but I lost so much self respect and I want it back.

He did stay in touch with other exes but it seemed it was they who couldn't let him go but then again I realize I only have his side of the story. I judge it by how he has treated me.

[Scott44]

Yes I was there for her the one time she was feeling down and couldn't count on her new best friend.  I wouldn't be there for her now.

[sunrising]

Saying that though, I would like for him to contact me because for the first time ever I feel capable of telling him I don't want him in my life. I know it may sound mean but I lost so much self respect and I want it back.

It sounds to me like you are looking for closure here.  Non-BPDs seek closure when a relationship ends, and that is very normal.  That has been one of the hardest things for me; accepting that closure is rarely reached with a pwBPD.  I would encourage you to view your choice to go NC as your closure.  As long as you stick with NC, you are creating your own closure.  If you allow contact, even if it's an attempt to gain closure, the pwBPD can very easily perceive this as NON-closure.  If your ex was a non-BPD, seeking closure with them would be normal and appropriate.  Since our ex is a pwBPD,  seeking closure through "telling them you're done" is almost certainly not the way to go.  I'd Stick with NC.