Can it work? Really?

[Jai Yen]

Some of you know the details of my case but I'll give a brief summary:

Married 18 years to a uN/BPDw; two kids S16 & D17; she took a job in her home country going on 5 years ago; we operate an online business together that requires both of us to succeed; the business is closely tied to her job; I've struggled with her for years and always thought she would spontaneously recover (sound familiar?); we only see each other for 7 ~ 8 (most miserable) weeks out of the year; I finally talked to a T as her behavior and emotions were draining me and he suggested she may have BPD; I devoured books and websites about PDs and I'm relieved to understand her better but shocked to learn PDs are extremely hard to recover from; I decided I must divorce for my own emotional survival; she became very unstable (extinction burst?) over the holidays when I cut Skype and phone communication and suggested it was time for use to divorce (I maintained email communication); I hired an L and learned the downside of servering her in her country; I have her served in the airport when she comes back to visit in early Feb.; I also get an order of protection to keep her out of the house so my kids and I can live peacefully; I reserved a hotel for her and she retained her own attorney; she had access to the kids and visited with them during her time here... .  Fast forward to now:

She returned to her country about 2 weeks ago. Since then we have had relatively stable communication related to our business. She understands that I can and will cut communication with her if she gets to emotional. She is willing to cooperate with me for the sake of our kids and our own economic futures. Fortunately, one weekly meeting for about 90 minutes is enough to continue our business operation. It's developed to that point. I have some fancy footwork ahead to add an exit strategy addendum to our articles of incorporation and to disentangle our assets but both are doable.

Does anyone have a similar experience? I understand the concept of intermittent reinforcement so I'm very consistent with her. I carefully avoid hot point issues and stay relatively boring and unemotional when I communicate with her by email or Skype. Can anyone share their post-divorce experience related to ongoing communication? Does or can it improve? My situation is unique in that she lives 10K miles away, 16 hour time difference and we still operate a business together and have kids we both love and want to do well in life. BTW - I got my S16 into see a T. He seems to be doing better. I'll make sure both kids learn to deal with their emotions and develop coping skills related to their mother.

[livednlearned]

Hi Jai Yen,

Communication post-divorce for me is virtually NC. There is still conflict, and expensive court proceedings, so I don't have personal experience about positive communication experiences to share, but I do think there are communications tools that can be effective with pwBPD and that you might want to experiment with in your situation. My ex is so off-the-hook rage-filled (even 2.5 years later) that we have a court-appointed parenting coordinator involved, and even she cannot communicate with him, and she's an experienced psychologist. But I do think there are less volatile situations out there, and that the tools can be effective. Things like:

Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

I think you probably have this one under control, since you know how to end angry, emotional Skype sessions, but here's another one about dealing with hostile emails: TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

Glad to hear your son got in to see a T, and that he is doing well. I had S11 do a personality assessment when he was 8, and the psychologist told me he was "at risk" but also willing to accept help from others. He said that kids who accept help when it is offered to them often do very well. That has certainly been true for S11. He likes seeing his T -- he goes about once every 3 weeks. They have a confidential relationship, so I talk to the T, but she does not disclose much about what S11 talks about. And he knows that, and knows he has a grown up in his life he can really confide in, someone not his mother or father.

[Jai Yen]

LnL - thanks for the links. I was aware of and use JADE and SET but I didn't know about PUVAS or DEARMAN. My stbx seems to thrive on boundaries. Her culture (Japan) is like that. I hope my solid, consistant boundaries change her behavior toward me for the sake of peace and harmony as we co-parent. Again "boundaries" is my new middle name! 

Stbx is in communication with our D17 and S16. Seems to be going ok. Stbx told our D17 that she is starting to meditate at a Buddhist temple. Might do her some good... .  ?