need advice here...

[healingmyheart]

OK, so it's been almost a week since my exBPD boyfriend has left... .  I packs his bags and told him to leave.  These got pretty intense in the end. 

Part of me still wants to "save" him and at least the relationship he has with his daughter.  I was thinking of mailing him my book "stop walking on eggshells" which I have highlighted pertinent information which pertains to him.  I recall ready somewhere on this board that a wife's husband got a hold of that book and actually said that he could see those traits in himself.  I'd like to believe that my ex will actually read it and hopefully see himself.  I don't know, maybe it's just me trying to heal but I just need him to TRY to understand the depths of what is doing on with him.  He is a very educated man and I'm having a difficult time seeing how he just can't see his problem.  After the very first rage he directed at me, he actually admitted that he could see the "demon" that his daughter speaks of. 

What do you guys think?  I know most of you will think it's not a great idea but I just need you to help me sort this out.  Maybe it is just to help me with my own closure.

[healingmyheart]

Sorry about all the mistypes... .  I'm having a difficult day.  I just had to rsvp to a family wedding that it will just be my daughter and I... .  no boyfriend.  The reality of everything just hasn't totally sunken in yet.  It's coming in bits and pieces.  Today is all about crying and feeling sorry for myself

[Rose Tiger]

I know I felt the same way big time, during the relationship, after the relationship and it was hard to detach from wanting to help him.  It was almost self soothing to focus on his issues versus taking a look at my own stuff!

Do you find it difficult to focus on your own feelings sometimes?  Is it difficult to decipher what you are feeling?

I found the best way to help my ex was to pray for him.  I can only fix me, it's your ex's choice if he wants to work on his own stuff.  He can find the answers as easily as you did if he really wants to look.  

[Rose Tiger]

Sorry about all the mistypes... .  I'm having a difficult day.  I just had to rsvp to a family wedding that it will just be my daughter and I... .  no boyfriend.  The reality of everything just hasn't totally sunken in yet.  It's coming in bits and pieces.  Today is all about crying and feeling sorry for myself

  I'm so sorry you are hurting.  Be real gentle with yourself, ok?

[TheDude]

999 times out of 1000, sending something like the book you mentioned, or otherwise informing someone of their 'mental illness', will actually make matters worse. That's painfully obvious from reading just this site. Even something as simple as asking, "why are you angry?" can often result in a barrage in return that could leave you feeling as if YOU are the unstable one. We all want to find a way to help these people we've loved, but acceptance that there's nothing we can do... .  or even make things worse... .  is a very important step.

It's not even a week. Try and focus on yourself as much as possible. You cannot fix him... .  

[willy45]

I've been through the same type of thinking. I didn't know about BPD until after the break up. And man oh man, did it ever help me resolve some of my thinking. Super brutal... .  

I've gone back and forth on this issue too. I have even seen my ex about a month ago. I was on the verge of telling her and I held back. Every time I think of emailing her information about this, I hold back.

Why?

1) I would expect to get in a huge argument about it. Many, many arguments. The usual stuff. This would open myself up to her blaming me again for all the dysfunction and her raging and her abuse.

2) I am still incredibly angry and part of me wants her to figure it out on her own. And, if she doesn't, then that sucks for her. Why would I want to share all the time and effort I have done trying to sort this out, only to hand it to her on a silver platter so that some day she can figure it out with someone else. It would drive me totally mental thinking she is working on this stuff only to be in a relationship with someone else.

3) I have given her enough of myself. I am not giving any more. That is a line I have vowed not to cross ever again. This would be another example of me giving something to her. And she would either throw it back in my face or take it. Either way, the outcome is not good for me.

4) This is no longer about them. My ex abused me, she raged at me, she manipulated me, she sucked me in, took what she could from me. I finally had enough and packed my bags and left. I actually don't care about her anymore. I don't care to fix her. As vindictive as this sounds, I like the idea of her figuring this out on her own because I know that for her to actually do that, her life needs to fall apart even more so than now. She will have to get to a point where there are no more excuses, no one else to blame, no one else to pin her random raging and abusive behaviors on.

5) Giving her a book like this will only give her more reasons to assign me with blame for ending the relationship.

6) Any thoughts of doing this is a sign that I am still in deep, deep, deep denial about what happened and my ability to fix things. Super deep denial that things will magically change just by giving her a book or a website or some information. She will not change. Any involvement with her will just lead to more abuse.

6) F*ck it. That's what I tell myself when I think of doing something like this. F*ck it. I deserve better. And so do you.

[glacier_glider]

johnnyorganic, that's exactly how I think when when I get those tempting thoughts.

I even though about writing a huge e-mail to her father who's the "main" figure in her life and lives abroad, only because she may listen to him.

But there is absolutely no reason for doing that.

Just as you said. All of those points.

Crappy day for me today. Even though my dose of anti-anxiety meds was doubled last week, I can feel some anxiety today. Even feel like crying but I'm at work. I haven't been able to cry in the last 7 years since my best friend shot himself. I think I've cried out all my tears then.

I've been through a lot in my life, enough for 20 "average" lives and, yet dealing with what I've been going through with her is by far the toughest.

[healingmyheart]

Thank you to all of you for your insightful replies.  Everything you said makes perfect sense.  I think I'm wanting to do this for a few reasons.  One, I still love him and I want to believe that I can kill that beast inside of him because I so love the good, caring, giving man.

I'm writing a "good-bye" letter to his teenage daughter who I absolutely adore and love and it is so painful.  She has had a challenging relationship with her dad over the years needless to say due to the BPD and for her sake if nothing else, I'd love to see him get treatment. 

I hate this fricking disease... .  it robs people of their lives and injures everyone they love.  God, I hate it!

[sunrising]

Stolemysoul, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Luckily, you've got people here who understand your situation.

One, I still love him and I want to believe that I can kill that beast inside of him because I so love the good, caring, giving man.

It helped me start the process of detachment when I realized that the good, caring, loving woman I remembered from the early times in our relationship and would sometimes see even later in the relationship DOES NOT EXIST.  She was either mirroring the good she saw in me or otherwise ACTING like a good, caring loving, woman in order to get what SHE wanted/ needed at any given time.  The actual woman I was with isn't good, caring, or giving in the way we think of those qualities.  The woman who raged at me, manipulated me, devalued me, and left me is what really exists.  I wanted to think "there's a good person in there" because I remembered someone who once generally acted that way and because I like to think there's a good person somewhere in everyone.  But, with a pwBPD, the erratic and ultimately hurtful behavior is all you can count on.  Their "good side" may come and go (to suit their needs), but the bad side is ALWAYS going to be there (unless they voluntarily go through a long, intensive therapeutic process which modifies their very way of life and thinking).  

I started thinking of it like this:  There's not a "good" person to be "found" in her; at least not by me, and not by anyone, any time soon.  The person on the inside, the "real person", is the side you don't want anything to do with.  You can dig and dig into the depths of a pwBPD and that's what you'll find.  There's no hidden gem.

[sad but wiser]

stole my soul - don't worry, it gets better.  I am 6 and 1/2 months out, and it gets better.  Give yourself a little time.  Work on the things you see in yourself that are problems.  Try to understand why you would choose a relationship with a person who exhibits these behaviors and then blames you for them. 

As for me, he was very charming until a few months after the wedding.  I don't believe in divorce, so there you are.  20 years later, I'm getting diviorced. There wasn't actually a marriage in the first place, just a sham.  I thought it was me, so did he.

[healingmyheart]

sunrising, You're right... .  it's almost like they are actors... .  very good at lying at least in my case.  The good really doesn't exist at least not for good and it's not genuine.  I have to keep reminding myself that. 

Sad but wiser, Wow, I can't even imagine 20 years with such craziness.  Children? 

rjh, Thank you for your insight.  You're right... .  we do deserve better. I have to get over wanting to help him... .  

[sunrising]

sunrising, You're right... .  it's almost like they are actors... .  very good at lying at least in my case.  The good really doesn't exist at least not for good and it's not genuine.  I have to keep reminding myself that. 

I don't know about your ex, but mine didn't do hardly any out-and-out LYING to me.  During our relationship and for the first few weeks after, I thought of everything she said as LIES.  Telling me she wanted to be with me forever, telling me I was the greatest love to be found, etc...   Then she devalued me for no reason at all, so those must have been LIES, right?  That's not really the case, I don't think.  She believed them when she said them, but:

1) She doesn't even know what true adult love and commitment is.  She's an emotional child.  How could she?

2) She has s specific disorder (BPD) which is basically defined by the fact that, even though she said those things and felt like she meant them, she can feel and act completely the opposite the next day.   That doesn't make her a liar.  That makes her a person with BPD.

To me, there's a difference, and accepting that difference is helping me slowly move out of the anger stage and into acceptance.  I guess I can accept the fact that she has BPD easier than I could accept that she was lying to me. 

[healingmyheart]

My exBPD boyfriend out and out lied and deceived me. Even with evidence in front of him. He continued to lie. It was so very hurtful. It was like I was dealing with a child with icing on his face proclaiming that he never touched the cake. Once the lie, you don't know what is the truth anymore and what are lies. The lies and deceit although with abuse to my daughter are ultimately what destroyed our relationship. Without truth, you have nothing. 

[sunrising]

It was like I was dealing with a child

Emotionally, you were... .    That was one of the first things I read on this board that really resounded with me.  A pwBPD, emotionally, is a child.  They have adult bodies, adult jobs, maybe even have kids themselves (my ex did), but emotionally they have never advanced beyond childhood.  Like little kids, they see people in black & white (all good or all bad).  If someone becomes bad, they have to find another good thing to mirror and cherish (like a kid gets tired of a toy, gets a new one, and throws the other away, to never play with it again).

My exwBPD was completely incapable of discussing her actions, emotions, or our relationship in a rational, adult fashion.  I would try and she would (seem to) listen, offering almost nothing to the conversation, and ultimately never changing anything about her behavior; relying at all times on her overpowering emotions.   Another thing I read here that made a lot of sense to me was: "A person with BPD will never let facts get in the way of their emotions".  That is also the way a child approaches the world.   

[glacier_glider]

That was one of the first things I read on this board that really resounded with me.  A pwBPD, emotionally, is a child.  They have adult bodies, adult jobs, maybe even have kids themselves (my ex did), but emotionally they have never advanced beyond childhood.  Like little kids, they see people in black & white (all good or all bad). 

My exwBPD was completely incapable of discussing her actions, emotions, or our relationship in a rational, adult fashion.  I would try and she would (seem to) listen, offering almost nothing to the conversation, and ultimately never changing anything about her behavior; relying at all times on her overpowering emotions.   Another thing I read here that made a lot of sense to me was: "A person with BPD will never let facts get in the way of their emotions".  That is also the way a child approaches the world.   

That's exactly what I was dealing with. But kept struggling because I had no idea about BPD.

And yet, she is the most intellectual female that I've ever known.

[sad but wiser]

stole my soul,  Yes, of course children.  one reason I stayed for so long, and one reason I'm leaving.  let's just say the emotional rollercoaster got so bad that I shut down, got very quiet, let him talk himself out, tried not to react to the bait, (kind of an invitation to chaos and a big scene, if that makes sense - I got where I could tell that he wanted some opposition so he could have an emotional blowout), put my emotions on hold for so long that I forgot I had them.  The person I became couldn't stand up for herself, her kids, or the truth. It was so draining, like being married to an emotional vampire.  Your choice of username is interesting - stole my soul.  Did you know that is what the original legends said vampires did?  Yes, that is what it felt like at times. 

[healingmyheart]

Sad but Wiser, I can totally relate to what you said.  I also allowed my exBPD to step in and verbally abuse my daughter all for "her good" as he put it.  I was trying to support him and keep the peace all at the expense of my daughters welfare.  Both she and I were miserable.  Every time my daughter would have friends over, he would berate her and yell at her and literally have her in tears... .  he would totally blow things out of proportion.  I finally woke up after a huge blow out with him and my daughter.  I can't apologize enough to my daughter for subjecting her to such behavior.  My daughter said at school they have someone come speak about abuse.  She looked at me and said that my ex BPD don't all the things they spoke of to me... .  she then asked "how could you not see it Mom?"  I'm wondering that myself. 

I do feel that my soul has been stolen... .  

[dharmagems]

Stolemysoul and sadbutwiser,

My heart goes out to you about subjecting children to the verbal abuse.  I am in my late 30s and so want to experience having children.  But in my 3 year marriage with my exhuBPD his verbal abuse got to the point where I felt so voiceless and without my own power any longer.  I knew I had to stop talking and take it because no matter what I would say, his verbal abuse would escalate.  Now we're in the final stages of our divorce and I am going to try having children without a partner.  I feel so strongly about not subjugating my children to that environment.  I had a emotionally and physically abusive mother and I didn't want the cycle to continue.