Mom's suprise birthday party

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My brother (who is undiagnosed as of yet, but I believe he is bipolar) has decided to throw our dBPD mom (who I have NO relationship with, have been LC/NC for years) a surprise birthday party.  They live about 1500 miles from me.

My brother called a few weeks ago to tell me he is planning a dinner party for a Saturday night, and wants everyone to go to a baseball game the Sunday after, and would like for me to be there.

Oh, and he also needs me to pay for the entire dinner and everyone's baseball tickets.

I thought he was joking, and he said "no, I want to be in charge of planning, I just want you to write me a check."

I informed my brother after his request that I am not his personal checkbook, that I have no relationship with my mom, that I have no interest in funding or attending her birthday, and that someone would have to be crazy to give him a blank check.  I also told him that I am in the process of purchasing a house right now, and do not have the extra money to spend (especially with no budget) on a party!

Since then, for the past few weeks I have been receiving facebook messages and emails from my mother's friends and family asking me for details about this party. (My mother tries to keep up appearances and most of her friends/family do not know that we are lc/nc.) I have just been telling them "I have nothing to do with this party - ask my brother, it's his deal". 

I am starting to feel bad for these people who are flying into town and expecting to be treated to dinner and a ballgame, and are going to have to foot the bill themselves! (My brother is on-again-off-again employed as a waiter and has no finances at all for a dinner party and baseball game for a group of people).

Should I be doing anything other than referring them back to my brother?  Still feeling guilt even though I have nothing to do with it!

[DS917]

My brother (who is undiagnosed as of yet, but I believe he is bipolar) has decided to throw our dBPD mom (who I have NO relationship with, have been LC/NC for years) a surprise birthday party.  They live about 1500 miles from me.

My brother called a few weeks ago to tell me he is planning a dinner party for a Saturday night, and wants everyone to go to a baseball game the Sunday after, and would like for me to be there.

Oh, and he also needs me to pay for the entire dinner and everyone's baseball tickets.

I thought he was joking, and he said "no, I want to be in charge of planning, I just want you to write me a check."

I informed my brother after his request that I am not his personal checkbook, that I have no relationship with my mom, that I have no interest in funding or attending her birthday, and that someone would have to be crazy to give him a blank check.  I also told him that I am in the process of purchasing a house right now, and do not have the extra money to spend (especially with no budget) on a party!

Since then, for the past few weeks I have been receiving facebook messages and emails from my mother's friends and family asking me for details about this party. (My mother tries to keep up appearances and most of her friends/family do not know that we are lc/nc.) I have just been telling them "I have nothing to do with this party - ask my brother, it's his deal". 

I am starting to feel bad for these people who are flying into town and expecting to be treated to dinner and a ballgame, and are going to have to foot the bill themselves! (My brother is on-again-off-again employed as a waiter and has no finances at all for a dinner party and baseball game for a group of people).

Should I be doing anything other than referring them back to my brother?  Still feeling guilt even though I have nothing to do with it!

[isshebpd]

I don't really have any advice, so I can just say how horrified I am at your brother's treatment of you.

[Clearmind]

Goodness   – I do hope you feel comfortable with your decision DS917 – Kudos to you for setting boundaries and knowing your limit.

I am starting to feel bad for these people who are flying into town and expecting to be treated to dinner and a ballgame, and are going to have to foot the bill themselves!

(My brother is on-again-off-again employed as a waiter and has no finances at all for a dinner party and baseball game for a group of people).

Whether folks attend is their choice.

If they have to pay for themselves and they are under the impression its free then that is their deal to handle.

If bro gets embroiled in it – then it’s a learning curve for him

Should I be doing anything other than referring them back to my brother?  Still feeling guilt even though I have nothing to do with it!

Do you need to answer them?

Fear, obligation and guilt are hard to overcome – it takes work – and rescuing is not the answer! This could turn into a classic drama triangle – mom/you/bro – don’t play.

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

It really is OK for you to step back – you have been working on stepping back for a long time now – it has worked has it not to keep you out of the drama?

[DS917]

So I agreed to split the cost with my brother, even though I am not attending this event. He can't afford it and I'm a sucker.

Today - brother loses his crappy restaurant job AGAIN.  So guess who's paying the whole bill?

NO ONE! I told him I agreed to HALF and if he can't pay his half then he needs to call everyone and let them know the party is cancelled.

[KEnsign27]

Well good for you for standing up to your brother and telling him that you will not foot the whole bill! If he is that irresponsible and tells everyone about a party before its planned and paid for then he deserves to have to tell everyone himself that there is no party! Honestly I'm totally flabbergasted that he asked you to pay for everything... .  really who does that?

[DS917]

So party is this weekend. We fly in town tonight. Idiot brother just texted me "I don't have any money for this weekend you need to pay for it all". I texted him back "I have my half of the money, if you don't have yours you'd better start calling the guests and let them know the party is cancelled."

I seriously hate my family.

[sonofbpd]

I personally think you are handling this 100% the right way. I'll often cave to my BPD mother's unreasonable demands out of guilt. I don't want to feel like a bad son. I don't want her to tell my friends I am a bad son, etc.

But I've realized she hasn't really been a great mother - so why do I need to fit her definition of 'good son', which will never be enough anyways! And I should never do things out of fear or guilt, but rather because I want to. Easier said than done. But what this has boiled down to for me is that I put waaaay too much emphasis on how other people view me.