Control Through Sex

[willy45]

Hi All,

Many people have written about this problem but I haven't seen anything anywhere on what to do about it.

I feel like sex with my ex was a means of control. It was pretty insane. I've never connected to anyone sexually as I did with her. She was my fantasy come to life. But I also felt that it was a method of control. There was always this 'I will do this for you if you do this for me' kind of dynamic. And I don't mean sexually. I mean that she would use sex to get control over me in other areas of my life, as a tool of manipulation. She often had this 'I got you' look on her face before, during and after sex. Or, there would be hours of foreplay in which I had to gaze deeply in her eyes, list the many reasons why I loved her, and on and on. It was like, you have to prove you love me before we have sex. And the bar always shifted and changed. It was weird and disturbing.

But, I feel like she is so deeply engrained in my sexual subconscious now. I can't get her out. I still can only get off if I think of her, if I fantasize about her. Watching porn makes it worse because I imagine the other women to be her. Having sex with others doesn't work because I compare them to her (even though my current partner is just a objectively attractive... .  if not more so).

I want her out of my head. I don't want her to control me anymore. She is gone from my life. I purged her. But she is still in my mind in a deep, deep way. It is like a parasite in my mind. I want her gone.

Any suggestions? I want her out. She was abusive to me. She was manipulative. She was controlling. She used me like a parasite to get what she wanted out of me. And I gave her so much power. I want to take that power back.

Please help!

[GreenMango]

Have you checked out the thread on Boundaries living our values?  It could help.

[willy45]

I haven't. Thanks! I will check it out.

[glacier_glider]

Have you checked out the thread on Boundaries living our values?  It could help.

How do I find this thread?

Thanks!

[grad]

How do I find this thread?

Thanks!

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

[GreenMango]

Thanks grad!

So Rjh what do you think of the workshop?  Could this help a bit?

[willy45]

Thanks GreenMango. I will work through these tomorrow. They might indeed be helpful. I think there were many boundaries that were broken in the sex side of the relationship. It is much easier to see how the boundaries were continually knocked down in every other aspect of the relationship. But the sex side is more difficult for me, somehow. I think it was/is an addiction. It is the one thing that kept her elevated in my mind and the main thing that kept me in the relationship. But the sex wasn't 'normal' or 'healthy'. It was a reflection of the very manipulative and needy and abusive side to her. For some reason, I have come to fetishize it. My T said that is pretty normal when someone has been abused by someone. They tend to fetishize the abuse.

Hmmm... .  so much to work through. This feels like a full time job. Thanks for the help though and thanks for asking.

[GreenMango]

The lack of boundaries... .  I'm real familiar with.  It was pretty consistent throughout mine from both ends.  Me and him.

Boundaries combined with this workshop SELF-AWARE: When is good sex a bad thing? might explain a bit.

Read 'em and let me know if you think this might apply here?

[willy45]

Ha ha... .  Yes. Funny. I opened up the link and starting reading a post that sounded like me... .  and yes. I was me. But didn't realize until mid post. I thought... .  hey, this guy is going through the same thing as me. I guess I have grown pretty accustomed to that feeling on these boards.

I totally understand it from a psychological point of view. I guess I'm searching for things I can do about it. I guess the easy answer is to stop fantasizing about her. But, it is so weird because if I stop fantasizing about her, it feels like my sex life is over. It is like I am no longer heterosexual, but unisexual... .  only attracted to one thing. It is kind of sickening, really.

Arg.

Thanks for sharing the link though. Maybe I should post again!

[GreenMango]

You made me laugh with the unisexual comment... .  I know it's not funny though.  It's a pretty clever term.

Do you seriously believe you will never find another person to have sex with who makes you feel good too?  (Lets not talk about the bad... .  yet)

Billions of people in this world... .  not one.

[willy45]

Hi Green Mango,

Yeah. I guess I am worried that I will never feel that kind of attraction again. I just thought she was the most attractive thing in the world. I can partly see how the seduction was just part of her manipulation. But the attraction was both physical and intellectual. And she was a master at seduction. I had built such an elaborate fantasy about her that is deeply, deeply engrained in my subconscious. So, yes. As crazy as it sounds, I do feel like I will never feel that kind of attraction again.

Blarg!

[viking11]

johnnyorganic

WOW ! sounds exactly like my experience and my thoughts ! sorry to report though I havent figured it out yet either.

[charred]

Hi All,

Many people have written about this problem but I haven't seen anything anywhere on what to do about it.

I feel like sex with my ex was a means of control. It was pretty insane. I've never connected to anyone sexually as I did with her. She was my fantasy come to life. But I also felt that it was a method of control. There was always this 'I will do this for you if you do this for me' kind of dynamic. And I don't mean sexually. I mean that she would use sex to get control over me in other areas of my life, as a tool of manipulation. She often had this 'I got you' look on her face before, during and after sex. Or, there would be hours of foreplay in which I had to gaze deeply in her eyes, list the many reasons why I loved her, and on and on. It was like, you have to prove you love me before we have sex. And the bar always shifted and changed. It was weird and disturbing.

But, I feel like she is so deeply engrained in my sexual subconscious now. I can't get her out. I still can only get off if I think of her, if I fantasize about her. Watching porn makes it worse because I imagine the other women to be her. Having sex with others doesn't work because I compare them to her (even though my current partner is just a objectively attractive... .  if not more so).

I want her out of my head. I don't want her to control me anymore. She is gone from my life. I purged her. But she is still in my mind in a deep, deep way. It is like a parasite in my mind. I want her gone.

Any suggestions? I want her out. She was abusive to me. She was manipulative. She was controlling. She used me like a parasite to get what she wanted out of me. And I gave her so much power. I want to take that power back.

Please help!

I swear I posted almost the exact wording you used a while back... wondering the same thing. I have an exBPDgf that eventually kind of creeped me out as I realized she didn't want sex for anything except to manipulate me. Becoming aware of how BPD she was... seeing her as an emotional 3 yr old, then what she was doing to get control... was really the beginning of the end ... .  the final one, for our r/s.

I met my exBPDgf when she was about 19 and I was 21... she dumped me after 18 mos, abruptly with no explanation, pretty well destroyed my life... then chased me down some 26 yrs later... and did it again. It was all fantasy/illusion. The real her is the hater... possibly the clinger at times, but it is not the nice seducer... that is 100% phony... took mea long time, some 30 yrs to finally accept that as the truth.

I haven't felt the same crazy intensity with anyone else... nor have I had my life and everything I cared about destroyed pointlessly by anyone else... however ... have had better sex, but it was with another fairly crazy woman, (she set fire to the bed of the guy she married after we split, he got out unhurt and divorced her ... .  then she declared herself a lesbian... dodged the bullet on that gal.)

Learn to pay attention to the red flags, they cant be ignored, we all knew something was off, the endless flattery, too much rapt attention, telling us how wonderful we were at our job (when they never saw us work... ) etc. Getting isolated, and tying up all our time... .  24/7 contact... .  when all that starts happening, step back and then RUN.