Did knowing the label "BPD" to our significant other help us DETACH?

[HarmKrakow]

Honest question, did the label BPD help us to detach?

Why do I ask? Because there are also a lot of people (also our significant BPD others) in our lives who can tell us, that we ... we NON's ... are sore losers. We are pathetic and feeling so sorry for ourselves that we but a label on our ex to rather blame your self ... blame the 'poor' old ex. And then we often hear stories, man up, r/s break up and they hurt.

If I ask myself this question. I would answer, YES.

Why? Simple. The moment the loving phase ended, and the hating phase started it was the period of 'never enough'. Whatever I did, whatever I tried. I said A to Z, all was wrong and everything backfired on me and I was doing all wrong, wrong wrong. She went over my boundaries every week and I let it sleep for the sake of love and showing her dedication. I was never enough and she got more and more mental abusive.

Untill I didn't NO ... about the BPD, i constantly kept blaming myself, and by blaming myself I kept trying and trying to save the r/s.

The very moment I realized about the BPD I started to realize that I shouldnt blame myself, because I tried all I could ... so in that case for me it helped to solve the puzzle a little bit.

How about you guys? Because i'm sure friends, T's, family, etc must have told you, that your just a sore loser about telling everyone that your EX has BPD and therefore is a bit loney and it's good that it's over ...

[mosaicbird]

Well, nobody has told me I'm a sore loser... Her dysfunction was pretty obvious, and people thought I was nuts to think about trying again.

But... .  I don't know. I began reading this website before the end, and I actually feel as though it made things worse for me, because I began to see her as just the disorder... became paranoid about everything, dehumanized her, and assumed the worst. Obviously, that's my own internal issue to deal with, and things would have gone wrong with or without that additional bug taking up residence in my mind.

I haven't detached yet, either, so I'm not even sure why I'm posting in this thread.    But the additional research I've done with regard to BPD  has helped me... perhaps not with detachment, but with finally understanding myself. I have her to thank for that, at least.

[freshlySane]

Helps me not blame myself soo much but detach for me personally no the illness is so invisible to the naked eye its hard for me to wrap my head around it i start a tug a war with the whole relationship. the only good is i learned more about me and what i want and stand for but it doesn't help me move on yet it just makes the prospect of moving on much brighter. Granted she is in a happy relationship so that in it self is another reason why its hard to detach i put the blame on me because she found the one and i thought i was. but only time will tell

[healingmyheart]

I am also in the process of detaching myself.  I personally think knowledge is power.  Once I found out about BPD, it explained so many things and for that I'm grateful.  I also blamed myself somehow.  I'm not normally a suspicious person but due to my exBPD boyfriends secrecy, I had no choice but to suspect.  I am a very trusting person... .  

But also, I also think knowing that they have a disorder which is extremely difficult to treat and odds are, you aren't even going to get them to fulfill the years of therapy they require. Not to mention, most doctors don't even want to have anything to do with them.  My counselor said locally where i live, Dialetical Therapy isn't even offered and no doctors really have experience.  Hmmm, not encouraging.  So knowing that i pretty much had a hopeless situation is making it easier for me.  If I had a shred of evidence or hope that things could/would change, I'd go for it but doesn't seem to be the case.

[glacier_glider]

It did big time!

I felt very obvious dysfunction for 4 years (from the very beginning).

I felt, saw, and heard all the traits.

I actually told her many times that she was "semi-insane" and kept asking her about childhood problems.

And a few weeks ago while researching about toxic relationships came across the definition of BPD.

What an enlightenment!

[freshlySane]

I am also in the process of detaching myself.  I personally think knowledge is power.  Once I found out about BPD, it explained so many things and for that I'm grateful.  I also blamed myself somehow.  I'm not normally a suspicious person but due to my exBPD boyfriends secrecy, I had no choice but to suspect.  I am a very trusting person... .  

But also, I also think knowing that they have a disorder which is extremely difficult to treat and odds are, you aren't even going to get them to fulfill the years of therapy they require. Not to mention, most doctors don't even want to have anything to do with them.  My counselor said locally where i live, Dialetical Therapy isn't even offered and no doctors really have experience.  Hmmm, not encouraging.  So knowing that i pretty much had a hopeless situation is making it easier for me.  If I had a shred of evidence or hope that things could/would change, I'd go for it but doesn't seem to be the case.

my question is why do they make it seem so normal ? that they can mask BPD until we as non finally say oo now i know what it is. but when we are there with them its like oh there just mad or sad or it will get better if i show them more affections.

[HarmKrakow]

I am also in the process of detaching myself.  I personally think knowledge is power.  Once I found out about BPD, it explained so many things and for that I'm grateful.  I also blamed myself somehow.  I'm not normally a suspicious person but due to my exBPD boyfriends secrecy, I had no choice but to suspect.  I am a very trusting person... .  

But also, I also think knowing that they have a disorder which is extremely difficult to treat and odds are, you aren't even going to get them to fulfill the years of therapy they require. Not to mention, most doctors don't even want to have anything to do with them.  My counselor said locally where i live, Dialetical Therapy isn't even offered and no doctors really have experience.  Hmmm, not encouraging.  So knowing that i pretty much had a hopeless situation is making it easier for me.  If I had a shred of evidence or hope that things could/would change, I'd go for it but doesn't seem to be the case.

my question is why do they make it seem so normal ? that they can mask BPD until we as non finally say oo now i know what it is. but when we are there with them its like oh there just mad or sad or it will get better if i show them more affections.

Simple, because she was brushing your ego during the loving/clinging phase and you took your own responsibility to ignore all the red flags. The moment the hater phase started, she already overtook your boundaries and you felt the only thing fighting for was her ... .  

[freshlySane]

I am also in the process of detaching myself.  I personally think knowledge is power.  Once I found out about BPD, it explained so many things and for that I'm grateful.  I also blamed myself somehow.  I'm not normally a suspicious person but due to my exBPD boyfriends secrecy, I had no choice but to suspect.  I am a very trusting person... .  

But also, I also think knowing that they have a disorder which is extremely difficult to treat and odds are, you aren't even going to get them to fulfill the years of therapy they require. Not to mention, most doctors don't even want to have anything to do with them.  My counselor said locally where i live, Dialetical Therapy isn't even offered and no doctors really have experience.  Hmmm, not encouraging.  So knowing that i pretty much had a hopeless situation is making it easier for me.  If I had a shred of evidence or hope that things could/would change, I'd go for it but doesn't seem to be the case.

my question is why do they make it seem so normal ? that they can mask BPD until we as non finally say oo now i know what it is. but when we are there with them its like oh there just mad or sad or it will get better if i show them more affections.

Simple, because she was brushing your ego during the loving/clinging phase and you took your own responsibility to ignore all the red flags. The moment the hater phase started, she already overtook your boundaries and you felt the only thing fighting for was her ... .  

oh wow actually i always felt i was fighting for her that makes sense

[mango_flower]

It helps me detach, yes.

It helps me see that no matter what I did, she would always have tested me and raised the bar higher.

It helps me realise that although I'm hurting right now, I want a healthier relationship in the future.

I imagine being 60 and having to still care-take her.

I don't want that, no matter how much I love her.

I am too tired, too tired of walking on eggshells. x

[almost789]

It certainly helped me to realize it was not about ME. It was not about HIM. It was not personal on either level. It was about BPD. Yes, the lable helped me tremendously. The confusion is bad, but can you imagine the confusion without knowing this was a disorder? Without finding this place, without finding all the symptoms known specifically to BPD. YES the label is important.

[WT]

It certainly helped me to realize it was not about ME. It was not about HIM. It was not personal on either level. It was about BPD. Yes, the lable helped me tremendously. The confusion is bad, but can you imagine the confusion without knowing this was a disorder? Without finding this place, without finding all the symptoms known specifically to BPD. YES the label is important.

What you said about it not being personal on either level is exactly what helped me get through my breakup.  I found out about BPD during the middle of our relationship, but up until the very end of our relationship, I held a glimmer of hope that my ex would somehow get better, perhaps if I poured enough love, time, and care into the relationship.  Knowing that it's not personal is the ultimate form of detachment, and it's so important when dealing with pwBPD.  If I didn't know about BPD, I might've simply thought that I had failed the relationship, but once you learn about BPD, you quickly realize that there's little you can do about it.

[GustheDog]

It helped beyond description.

But, while I'd much rather have the label, and the knowledge and understanding that comes with it, one negative is that it causes me to grieve the relationship a second time, in a different way.  Nothing about that relationship was what I thought it was, and I find that terrifying and disturbing.

Without BPD, I'd still be blaming myself.  With it, I'm no longer doing that (which is liberating), but I'm still concerned about my ability to trust my own perceptions.  In a way, knowledge of BPD just shifted which sets of my own perceptions I do/do not trust.

[recoil]

I think it helped me not take things personally.  Knowing this is a pattern (confirmed by her ex) allowed me to save some of my self-esteem.  Seeing other traits (black/white thinking, splitting, history rewriting and so forth) and how they are part of BPD gave me some closure and verification of what was experienced in the relationship.

But what helped me detach the most?  Reading the book, "The 7 levels of intimacy".

Now I fully realize, BPD or not, our relationship was doomed to fail.  My EX was scared of true intimacy.  I understand a lot of people with BPD are.  You cannot have a relationship with anyone who is afraid of true intimacy.

That right there helped me ACCEPT the relationship was doomed; BPD or not.

[Cumulus]

I didn't know my XBPDh diagnosis until six months after we separated. Would it have made a difference, yes. Ten years before we separated I found out about an affair, (one of many I now know). That was my line in the sand, never again. Skipping ahead those ten years, he was charged with theft. My upstanding, moralistic, honest man of the community  was charged with stealing? I fell to the floor, my knees buckled and I couldn't stand. The shame, the incomprehension, the absolute horror. If I had found out then he had BPD I believe I would have stuck with him and seen it through. How could you leave someone with a diagnosis of a mental illness just when they needed you most.  But, before I knew of that diagnosis I found out about the other affairs and the other behaviours. I asked him, are you two different people? He answered, something like that. So, yes I am glad I had the opportunity to see with my eyes wide open before I heard the diagnosis. I would have been swayed to try and help him, he whose only chance is to help himself.

[HarmKrakow]

It helped beyond description.

But, while I'd much rather have the label, and the knowledge and understanding that comes with it, one negative is that it causes me to grieve the relationship a second time, in a different way.  Nothing about that relationship was what I thought it was, and I find that terrifying and disturbing.

Without BPD, I'd still be blaming myself.  With it, I'm no longer doing that (which is liberating), but I'm still concerned about my ability to trust my own perceptions.  In a way, knowledge of BPD just shifted which sets of my own perceptions I do/do not trust.

Very fair point. As the BPD label did make me realize, oh no. I do believe fully 100% sane and mentally healthy people do not fall for BPD persons. However I did and I was not clever enough to see the signs and also ignore all the red flags and let my dignity and self-confidence slip away. Now, when I look in the mirror I don't remember who I am, who I was and what I'm doing here.

[LuckyEscapee]

Yes it helped immensely.

The terrible confusion eased dramatically when I stumbled broken across this wonderful site.

[willy45]

Honestly, It helped. A TON. I'm a bit addicted to these boards though... .  hopefully that will go away. Maybe I just need some support right now and that is OK. I digress.

It totally helped me because she was very unstable and would rage all the time. I had to do so many weird things just to keep her happy, including sleeping on a blow up mattress because any movement on my part at night would wake her up and illicit a rage. I just realized tonight that I used to take her sleeping pills so that I could sleep on the super uncomfortable blow up mattress. WHAT? Yes. I used to do that. I just realized that tonight... .  

Anyhow, it helped me understand that her behavior WAS NOT MY FAULT. She used to tell me all the time that it was my fault. She used to always tell me that I needed to take responsibility for her outbursts. Yes. She would say that all the time. And I bought it. Hook line and sinker. After a particularly horrible rage episode, I packed my bags and left. She bombarded me with phone calls and emails telling me that the breakup was 100% my fault. She even called me especially out of 'kindness and love' to tell me it was 100% my fault.

So, yes. The label has helped. It has also helped to know that others have gone through the exact same thing as me. I'm pretty GusTheDog and I dated the same woman.

So, if nothing else, it has helped me beat myself up a little less (which is saying a lot... .  because I beat myself up pretty bad).

[BlushAndBashful]

Yes, absolutely. It helped me because it brought into focus what I was dealing with.

It's like having a sore throat. There's different treatment depending on if it's strep throat or just irritation caused by post-nasal drip. One you take an antibiotic for, one you don't. Sudafed won't help treat strep throat but it will dry up the garbage running down the back of your throat.  Okay, I can deal with either, just give me the right tools. 

And then, imagine going in for a strep test and finding out you actually have advanced throat cancer (and my empathy to those who have been affected as such, I'm not being flippant). Suddenly, that puts things in a whole different perspective, with mind-boggling ramifications and severity. Now, the s---'s getting real. 

Having that label made me understand just how horrible and severe this was. It proved that it wasn't just bad behavior. It wasn't curable with a little Prozac or a few sessions of marriage counseling.  It validated that I wasn't imagining things, I wasn't paranoid, and I didn't cause his bad moods. It made sense of the absolute illogical choices he would make. It showed that I couldn't just work harder and be a little more loving, a little more punctual, a little more SOMETHING to make everything smooth again. 

It also showed me that THIS PATTERN WOULDN'T CHANGE unless he chose to make serious changes in himself. The troubling behavior I witnessed wasn't enough to drive me away, because I thought I was seeing the whole thing. No, the label of BPD made me realize that I was just seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Clinging and focusing only on the label of BPD made detaching much easier. Sure, he has many wonderful traits that shouldn't be overlooked, and he's generally a great person. But I won't allow myself to concentrate on that, because it will keep me pining away. I must focus on the dysfunction.

[Sharkey167]

Absolutely it did. It cracked the riddle that puzzled me for 2 years. Did I go overboard with it a little? Maybe. However, my ex did accept it as an explaination to her entire life (by some miracle) and that she has a problem and is in therapy so maybe some good came out of it.

[sad but wiser]

It did help.  No one close to us was surprised at all, but then, ours was a long relationship.  All he wants now is his spousal support for life, a free house, most of the assets and for me to live in a one bedroom apartment, since that is all I deserve in his eyes.  Sorry, I've been the worker and the homemaker.  I can do a lot of things myself, and I won't procrastinate about it either.  I don't think a one-bedroom apartment suits me, thanks.  See me detach?

[Leaf]

I think I discovered it was BPD when I was six months into the relationship (lasted almost three years, broke up with him two months ago). Before that – pretty much from the beginning – I understood there was something wrong with him, but I didn't know the label. I googled personality disorder and Jekyll/Hyde and found BPD. It all fit. Because he had a mental disorder and couldn't help that, I put up with much more than I would have with a healthy partner. I also believed I could do things to improve the relationship (as described on the staying board). Some things did improve, but on the other hand some outbursts became really scary. When I found definite proof last November that he had been cheating earlier in the relationship detaching became easier, because cheating is the deal breaker for me. I read 'The essential family guide to BPD' and discovered I might have Stockholm syndrome and that a lot of men are BPD (w/NPD traits) traits (he definitely has NPD traits). Also I read a lot of posts on the leaving board. All that made me realize there was no hope whatsoever. But earlier in the relationship the BPD-knowledge didn't help me detach, it made me put up with more than I should have. I thought there was hope.