Did your pwBPD keep in touch with ex?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I notice in a lot of posts that folks here have/had partners who kept in touch with ex-spouses or ex-gf/bf. 

Some people who post are ex-girlfriends/boyfriends whose pwBPD kept in touch with ex-wife/husband (more than just communication about kids).  Others are spouses whose pwBPD reconnects with ex-gf/bf.

Curious about this - is it easier to reconnect with someone from past because then you can move on pretty quickly rather than have to build a relationship from scratch?

[clairedair]

I notice in a lot of posts that folks here have/had partners who kept in touch with ex-spouses or ex-gf/bf. 

Some people who post are ex-girlfriends/boyfriends whose pwBPD kept in touch with ex-wife/husband (more than just communication about kids).  Others are spouses whose pwBPD reconnects with ex-gf/bf.

Curious about this - is it easier to reconnect with someone from past because then you can move on pretty quickly rather than have to build a relationship from scratch?

[trevjim]

Mine got in contact and hooked up with two ex's when we split. She kept on texting one but I told her I wasn't happy with it and she stopped. When we split this time she is now dating the ex she kept texting.

[mosaicbird]

I'm "the ex" she kept in touch with while she was in a long-term relationship with someone else. :/ She didn't keep in touch with the others.

[clairedair]

Hi trevjim/mosaicbird - thanks for the replies.

I'm a wife who became an ex!  After our first split, he was very quickly involved with someone from 15 years ago - not a gf but someone he remembered as 'nice'/same values etc.  He reconciled with me so then I was an ex that he reconnected with.

One time, between splitting with ex-gf and reconciling with me, he had a brief fling with someone from work.  After our last split, he started a relationship with her and everything seems to be rosy.

Can't decide if I'm more bemused by his behaviour in moving on so quickly or that of 3 women (including me) who have reconciled with him! 

[Seb]

My exgf had lots of exes she'd keep in touch with - texts, emails, birthday cards, secretly meeting for coffees... .  she even had a photo of her with one ex in a photo booth stuck on her fridge the whole time we were dating (massive red flag right there that I let go!). If I'd thought more of myself and valued myself more I'd have asked her to take it down as it made me uncomfortable to look at them gazing lovingly at each other. I didn't, because I didn't feel I could say anything. Silly me. Never again.

They like to keep people around, as a kind of safety net, in case/when we leave. The madness of it all is that its this sort of behaviour that leads to the breakdown of the relationship. My ex completely sabotaged a relationship she agressively pursued and wanted. It's all hugely self-destructive behaviour.

I'm the ex that's been cut loose, the others are still there orbiting and playing along. It all just makes me so glad I'm out of it. They're welcome to her, and her to them.

[Wooddragon]

This was a particular issue in my relationship. He told me early on that he liked to be friends with his exes because "it shows I'm not a btch" 

He had had a 5 year gap between long term relationships and once described the one before me as an "empty shell". But when I asked him once when he had been drinking a bit why he was with her he said - with all the emotional conviction of someone totally in the moment that he had "always found her exquisitely attractive". Since he was still in contact with her, this revelation was not welcomed by me! 

But the most trouble I had was over I woman he had been broken up with for 12 years after a 9yr relationship. He made a point of pointing out her house & business premises to me (they still live close by each other), they have lots of mutual friends, and he used to insist on showing me photos and reminders of that relationship - holidays, them kissing etc to the point that I became obsessed with her. I think he might have had an idea of reconnecting with her when he broke up with me because he had told me a couple of weeks before that he'd heard that her marriage was over - but as it turned out she had moved on straight away to someone else. Interestingly I think from his description of the relationship that she sounds totally borderline as well. Before I knew anything about it I used to joke that they seemed to have complimentary disorders!

He has told me that we may "one day be acquaintances but I doubt it" so it doesn't sound like he's saving me up for a second recycle!

[grad]

I was told we would be friends "and see where it goes" after a tumultuous 1.5 month relationship and 8 month courtship beforehand.  Initially she was empathetic to me in the first few days and there to talk to me, but the last 3 times I've tried to communicate with her were either "I'll call you in a few hours" which never happened or completely ignored so I've gone completely no contact and realize the "friends" was a myth and only when she needed it.

I have one quote for this thread and it goes back to something I read on an earlier thread:

Once you are black... .  every contact after that will explore new levels of pain.

I wasn't necessarily painted black per se, she admitted after the split that I was still a great guy and she had love for me, but ultimately our issue were her issues and she knew if unmanaged, the relationship wouldn't last.  She also had a new host that could better validate her emotions since I didn't fully understand her disorder (suspected before and during the r/s but didn't research)

[FogLight]

Mine kept in touch with one ex that I knew of to make me jealous.  She stayed up late several nights in a row on the phone with him.  Pretending it didn't bother me and telling her to take the conversation outside so I could sleep is what put an end to that.  I think she kept in touch with exes behind my back too because I've somewhat recently heard rumors that she was seen with a few during the times we were fighting.  I don't like hearsay and normally I'll give the benefit of the doubt until proof is given, but in her case I have no doubt from which she can benefit.

I am now the ex she is attempting to contact.  I don't think it is because it is any easier to build a relationship with me since last time we talked I told her that relationship was as dead as it can get, and she instantly painted me black.  With much thanks to this site, I finally know what boundaries are and what a backbone feels like.  But now I'm getting messages from new numbers, and unless a bunch of strangers decided they miss me and want to know what I'm doing, I'm positive it is her.

Curious about this - is it easier to reconnect with someone from past because then you can move on pretty quickly rather than have to build a relationship from scratch?

Actually, I believe they prefer to have someone new if they can.  For the ones who do recycle, when a relationship fails, if they don't have a new person lined up then an ex will suffice.  From all accounts I've read, these recycles are usually shorter lived every time.  Don't be that ex.  I just wonder if the ones who do recycle ever truly go away?  My ex is one of the most persistent people I have ever met, and this could pose a problem for me down the road.

[LuckyEscapee]

He took up with his ex immediately, indeed had her already netted.

He has tried repeatedly to keep me (his new ex) on the hook.

I keep wriggling off

[nylonsquid]

OP:

Yes! More than one! During our first recycle (our second relationship) it triggered me because I knew she was lining up or even making the other person jealous like she did to me during our breakup. I was on the other end so while she was with someone she would look for attention from me. She'd never put herself out there but she'd feel the waters and if I made the move then she's there for the taking. I remember when I finally made the move she said "You can't believe how long I've want to do that" and we were off to the recycle. Me in utter fascination at how things worked exactly as people have said on here and the info I got.

They can't be left alone for one minute!

[daze]

My udBPDh, from whom I am separated but still in relationship with, must talk to his exwife because they have two young children together.  She is remarried to to an exboyfriend who she cheated on my H with and got knocked up.  My T says it sounds like she might have some BPD traits herself after I told him about this and some other things.

From the beginning I thought their communication crossed the line at times and it made me uncomfortable.    I told him it was inappropriate and it bothered me and pointed out that I don't have personal conversations with my exh, who is the father of my sons.

I think it culminated last fall when H's older son was diagnosed with aspergers and his exwife said the boy's psychiatrist told her she may have traits for aspergers as well.  He said that she wondered if maybe this influenced her behavior with him and that she had regrets. 

When he told me about this, I was like What the heck.  I asked him if she was getting enough attention from her husband and if her husband is aware she has "regrets." I told H that I understand he felt some level of validation from her disclosure, but unless he wants get back with her and raise her lovechild that he needed to put an end to the conversations.

He said he told her no more the next time he picked up the kids and it appears to be true. If he addresses his issues and we stay together, I wonder if it might not come up again at some point.

Sorry for the long response, your question resonated with me and out it came.

[Leaf]

Not only that... .  Each time I went to his mother's house I was confronted of loving pictures of him with exes. I complained about it, but he didn't see what was wrong with it and he didn't want to tell his mother what to do. A year or so into the relationship a picture of me and him was added. The other pictures stayed. In the end I really didn't want to go there anymore. I'm so glad I got away from that madness.

[struggli]

Yes, she keeps all her puppy dogs on a bunch of strings.  I am trying hard to be the one that doesn't keep following her around. 

[clairedair]

Just spent about 20 minutes writing a brief response to all those who posted but hit the wrong button and it's gone! 

too tired to start again so just a quick note to say thanks for posting and giving me your insights

clairedair