So I'm asking why do you think you volunteered? :)id you give up your choices? What were those choices? And, why did you hand this over to someone else?
-This thread isn't about celebrating being a victim. This is about the choices we've made. If you want to talk about that kind of stuff, BPD folklore or trickery, or start blaming your choices on the other person don't do it here.
I don't like the word
volunteer when discussing abusive or dysfunctional relationships, and I
really dislike the slogan
There are no victims, only volunteers. Sorry, but I
didn't sign up to be abused when I was a child. I was a true victim (as is anyone who's suffered childhood abuse). A child doesn't have a choice. I had no choice.
As a result of those childhood traumas and wounds I am psychologically and emotional configured -- wired -- in certain ways, which left me susceptible to the seductions of my uBPDxgf. In a very real sense, I
didn't have a choice. I was victimized, not by my uBPDxgf, but by the abuse inflicted on me by my parents long ago. I was compelled into this relationship, not by her, but by the after effects of childhood abuse and trauma. I was -- and am -- emotionally impaired.
That said, I accept that I am fully and solely responsible and accountable for myself, my life, my words, my actions, my choices -- however I'm wired, wounded, or impaired. I'm not responsible for having been abused and traumatized, but I am responsible for how it affected me (i.e., I can't blame my parents for my choices and actions). Which in this case, kind'a sucks, but there it is. I was victimized as a child but, as an adult, I choose whether to adopt a victim
posture. I am not a wounded child; I'm an adult who was wounded as a child. I'm responsible for healing and recovering -- rewiring myself -- as best I can, and accepting my limitations. Unfortunately this inevitably involves some hard life lessons.
I think that's what
no victims only volunteers is trying to get at -- we choose whether or not to have a victim attitude, whether or not to take responsibility for ourselves, whether to focus on what others have done to us or on our own healing. It's just that the slogan seems harshly judgmental to me, and comes perilously close to blaming the victim.
I have had to accept that I may not have chosen this relationship, may not have chosen to stay, that in a sense I couldn't have acted in any way other than the way I did. At the same time, I am responsible for the consequences for me.
I think we're asking pretty much the same thing here. I just prefer to phrase the question a bit differently. Not why did I volunteer, but what compelled me into this relationship and to remain. My responsibility is, first, to seek answers to these and other hard questions and do my best to heal, change, and grow based on the answers.
The word
host as sometimes used in these forums often carries a charge of resentful, aggrieved victimhood. And I can empathize with that. I definitely have a proclivity for feeling like an aggrieved victim. For me, the posture involves a certain superiority and condescension toward my alleged victimizer. However I perceive -- and emotionally and physically feel -- as intoxicating as it is, how toxic the aggrieved victim posture is for me.
I empathize with the anger. The pwBPDs in our lives have often acted very hurtfully toward us. It's healthy and necessary for us to feel angry about that, but we have to own the anger for it to help and heal us. Right now, I'm very angry at the way I was treated by my uBPDxgf -- and it feels great! Like I'm reclaiming myself in some way. However, anger which has festered into resentment is toxic.
The term
host is useful in the same limited way the BPD dx is -- it helps us identify patterns and mechanisms and to understand and accept our experience. These terms may even indicate some ways we can or need to heal, but they don't help heal us.
Host and
BPD are about someone else. Healing and growth are about
ourselves.
