daughter very mean and hurtful words

[mggt]

Had a very bad morining with d she started ranting and raving at me how much she hates me and hopes I die.  She did this all while holding her 1 year old daughter swearing banging throwing things .  I feel so bad for my gd because she sees this and is young now but how much longer will the crazy behavior start affecting her.  I asked d to give me my gd so she would not be in the middle of her angry outburst but would not.  MY d went on for over 45 minutes blaming me for everything in her life telling me why did I adopt her just to destroy her .  Sad thing is she really feels this way, she really believes everything she says is true.  She is not going to  t anymore because she does not think she has a problem she truly believes it is everyone else who has the problem.  Ok I feel better for getting that out

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Hello mggt,   

So sorry to hear of this. The ranting and raving is very difficult to deal with plus the aftermath of the emotions it brings us. I'm glad you felt better after venting here. It's a safe place to do it.

My d. use to do that until I learned about my value based boundaries. Now that I have those in place this rarely happens and if it does I enforce those boundaries which gets me out of these situations, which also protect my relationship with her.

You say it lasted for 45 minutes. Can you think of some ways to disengage the next time this happens?

[mggt]

Being mindful,  thank you for your thoughts I try to leave the situation but she just comes back to me , I have gone upstairs ,downstairs everywhere but she still comes after me. Now we had a gd involved her anger is out of control and  scares me half to death.  I try to be calm with her and take the baby but  by that time she has gone off and cant come down from all the anger and frustration so I  just say nothing and wait it out because of gd and hope she will just leave or just stop screaming any advice or info is helpful thank you

[Being Mindful]

Can you leave the house?

Tell her you cannot continue in the conversation when everyone is upset. You want to hear her but you can't when there is yelling. You are concerned for the baby. Tell her you will come back in 30 minutes to see how things are. Tell her you can't continue in any conversation when she is being disrespectful, abusive whatever it is for you. These are just quick ideas as I need to run out the door. Don't use all of these just pick what is appropriate keeping it as short as possible, but firm. Try to use validating words along with your terms. Again, I'm in a huge hurry right now.

Being Mindful

[Being Mindful]

And, do this every single time this occurs.

[mggt]

thankyou all for your thoughts  Ive tried leaving many times  She just comes at me screaminy yelling> This is why we call the police because she will not just let it be. It turns into crazy town So many times we have tried to calm her down and nothing works we now have our gd and that has to be priority number one.  Our number one goal is to protect our grandaughter from her and all her anger and violence .  This is our goal for future anyone out there have same situation would love to hear about your experiences thank all of you in advance

[qcarolr]

mggt - I have been there, many times. With gd in our house too. So painful and scary. We also adopted dd at 3 weeks - she was a difficult child from the first day.

We were terrified by the threats by DD to 'leave with gd and you will never see either of us again". We had police at our home multiple times starting when DD was about 17 when DD throwing things and threatening us. Sometimes she was taken to ER if she would admit to feeling suicidal - always released within a few hours and return home by taxi voucher filled with entitled sense. but it gave us a break. Otherwise the police asked her to leave for a day or two and stay with a friend. Felt so hopeless at times. Dd was barely 19 when gd was born, the daddy was in our home off and on until gd 6 months and he was jailed on assault - this is when dd became a transient in our house - mostly out with friends doing who knows what kind of drugs and alcohol. We believed we had not control. Discovered here at bpdfamily.com that I do have control - of myself and my choices. Wish I knew sooner what I know now.

Social services got involved when gd age 1 based on referral from the case worker visitor - part of teen parent support program DD had been in before she withdrew from high school. DD kept up with the program in our home - looking back think she knew of her limits in taking care of gd - why she let us do so much of the care even when she was so angry about the care we provided. Did not understand the level of her pain - did not know of her BPD until she was 23, had never heard of that before then.

We petitioned for custody when gd was 18 months - mostly to stop the threats of her leaving with gd not to return. We worked with an advocate and a lawyer to put together the petition, filed it, and hired a private investigator to serve the papers to DD in our home and to daddy in jail. It is very messy process - we were very very lucky to have it turn out with the support of the daddy, who left the state to avoid doing his probation soon after we got custody.

I wish now we had asked for child protection to get more involved - I just did not know then and it was too scary with fears of them taking gd away from us. I realize now that they would have placed gd with us after our experience with my gs (we chose not to get involved - he was eventually adopted by the foster parents where he lived starting at 5 mos. - he is 5 now, gd is 7. There would have been more emotional and financial support along the way. I do not know what the laws are in your state - I would check it out with a family lawyer with experience in non-parent caregiver situations. Our social servies has a kinship service outreach counselor that was very very helpful for us - and still is.

It is not acceptable for your D to be holding the baby in these situations. It is potentially dangerous both physically and emotionallly. You know this - it is hard to be assertive about this when consumed with our fears. Being Mindful gave some great advice about talking with your D about no longer partcipating in her rages and projections of blame. Next time you will ask her to take time out so both of you can calm down. She needs to put her daughter in a safe place seperate from the argument - there needs to be a safety plan for this child. A child safe room, her crib or playpen, or with a neighbor willing to intervene. If D cannot do the time out on her own, then you will leave the house and call the police to assist her in calming down and taking care of her child. You will be honest with police about the entire situation. You will follow this plan every time. And then do it. Keep you phone in your pocket when dd home. Then dial 911. Every time. It is a terrifying place to be.

Are you alone with this? Are there any understanding family, friends, neighbors, T? Reach out. Our neighbors have been a big part of gd's safety plan. It is much more rare for things to get out of control in our home now. I often can see the meltdown coming - even days before. Gd and I have worked out a safety plan - if I know I am enforcing a boundary and DD is coming home angry then there is a safe place for gd to go. Her room, or across the street or next door. Or we get in the car and drive away. The cell and car keys are in my pocket. And then we work through all this in play therapy. I work through it with T on the phone or in a seperate session. Dh is now able to stay connected and engage with DD when he is home while I take gd to a safe place.

We are at a place now where we rarely have to call police. Gd takes herself to her room or to the neighbors, I go to my room, DD sits on the couch. Then I am able to return to the room with her and just sit. Eventually she shifts from anger to sadness and we can talk. I am in awe of how this works now. It is all about Radical Acceptance, Validation and Values-Based Boundaries for me. Being the parent for gd and accepting that role (it took a long time to step away from trying to "make" dd be the mom). Sharing all this over and over with dh. When we can focus on gd's needs, we can stick to our plan.

This got really long - I am sorry if it is too much. When I took care of my needs, learned as much as I could, practiced the skills on everyone in my life until I could use them with DD -- never gave up hope or loving DD even when feeling disconnected from her.

Keep coming back - we are here and we understand and care.

qcr  

[mggt]

THANK YOU all very much I will try all of these examples Just worried when she has gd in her arms and screaming and she will not give me the baby . 

[Being Mindful]

THANK YOU all very much I will try all of these examples Just worried when she has gd in her arms and screaming and she will not give me the baby . 

She probably won't give you the baby and that is why qc's suggestion is a good one.

She needs to put her daughter in a safe place seperate from the argument - there needs to be a safety plan for this child. A child safe room, her crib or playpen, or with a neighbor willing to intervene. If D cannot do the time out on her own, then you will leave the house and call the police to assist her in calming down and taking care of her child.

Being Mindful

Being Mindful

[Being Mindful]

Also want to give you these links in case you haven't seen them yet... .  

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

Let us know how you are doing.   

Being Mindful

[qcarolr]

In our community, the local police are very good about 'domestic intervention'. They do not want to have a crime happen - they do not want to have to arrest anyone. When I call 911 I tell them we need an officer to mediate a famly conflict, then describe the details of the situationi.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders