I let this person control me and take away my self esteem

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have the need to vent today. This Sunday will be 12 weeks of NC with my ex BPD gf. Although the FOG is lifting I can't help but still feel a little angry at times about what I went thru in this relationship. I can't believe I let this person control me and take away my self esteem. I can actually listen to my own music, dance to it if choose, sing to it, or even snap my fingers without worrying about this person belittling me, telling me stop snapping my fingers, or just plain making fun of me. God I used to wake up on egg shells when I would stay overnight at her house. I always felt like she was watching me. I always felt like I had to try and live up this Fantasy Ideal Man she had in her mind. I never worked out enough, I never wanted to do the things she liked, I wasn't muscular enough, I didn't dress a certain way. For months I had to hear this from her. She kept in contact with all of her ex's here and there. I would ask her why and she would say they managed to stay friends. The funny thing about that is she would tell me if I ever broke up with her she would never want to be friends with me. I asked her why and she said because I was the only one "she really LOVED" and it would hurt her to keep in contact with me if we didn't work out. I was literally convinced that I was the only one she truly loved and connected with. I hated all of the arguing, breaking up, and making up. FiNALLY AT PEACE NOW!

[stevenq]

I have the need to vent today. This Sunday will be 12 weeks of NC with my ex BPD gf. Although the FOG is lifting I can't help but still feel a little angry at times about what I went thru in this relationship. I can't believe I let this person control me and take away my self esteem. I can actually listen to my own music, dance to it if choose, sing to it, or even snap my fingers without worrying about this person belittling me, telling me stop snapping my fingers, or just plain making fun of me. God I used to wake up on egg shells when I would stay overnight at her house. I always felt like she was watching me. I always felt like I had to try and live up this Fantasy Ideal Man she had in her mind. I never worked out enough, I never wanted to do the things she liked, I wasn't muscular enough, I didn't dress a certain way. For months I had to hear this from her. She kept in contact with all of her ex's here and there. I would ask her why and she would say they managed to stay friends. The funny thing about that is she would tell me if I ever broke up with her she would never want to be friends with me. I asked her why and she said because I was the only one "she really LOVED" and it would hurt her to keep in contact with me if we didn't work out. I was literally convinced that I was the only one she truly loved and connected with. I hated all of the arguing, breaking up, and making up. FiNALLY AT PEACE NOW!

[blecker]

There is not too much to comment on Steve other than kudos to you.

If you have seen your relationship for what is is and have decided that you are no longer willing to sacrafice any more of yourself, then I applaud you.

These realtionships are not easy on us and age us in many ways far before our time.

Like you shared, Peace to you and yours.

[HarmKrakow]

Well to be honest, you can stay in contact with your exes, 2 of my exes, good NON BPD'ers I consider as my best friends. They have both relationships, funnily the one after me, and they are still with that person but we don't feel that 'love' connection and therefore can easily communicate. Plus because you've shared so much with one another, you of course really do understand what the other person goes through in life.

I would never say to a person that he can't stay in contact with an ex ...

[elessar]

sometimes it just feel good to read someone else's venting. because pretty much for all of us, our venting is pretty similar. Isn't it amazing how creepily similar all our stories and complaints are... .  at least it doesn't make us feel alone.

[healingmyheart]

I was thinking the same thing... .  I wasn't fit enough which is laughable because I'm in amazing shape, he didn't approve of the way I dressed to the point that he would "redress me", on and on and on.  Why were we made to feel less than?  I guess it was just them reflecting their own insecurities on us. 

It's so obvious to me now.  I have to believe that we can only come out of this stronger and healthier assuming of course we are able to heal.

[fakename]

hahahaha,

what you guys have went through is just the same as what i went through... .  

i dont know if she wanted a bodybuilder or what... .  and on top of that, i strained my elbow and couldnt work out for like 7 months, but even still she expected me to, cause i wasnt allowed to get skinny. and if i just went out and cycled 40 miles? no acknowledgement or 'nice!' or any response whatsoever, just straight into something about her.  it wouldve been nice to have a gf that actually cared about my day-to-day life

and the re-dressing! and how my hair should be styled... .  oh my god. i feel sorry for her next victim now that i realize she probably didnt do that to just me... .  

[Hiloguy]

My exBPDgf actually complained that my arms are to big and I'm no longer comfortable to snuggle with. 1st of all I'm not that muscular, I'm 180 lbs and I cross train so I'm built more like a runner with a little muscle. The funny thing is, is when we first started dating I was 210 lbs and seriously out of shape and she never said anything but the difference is that she was in the idealization stage than.   

[Scott44]

Interesting that this thread went the way of devaluing personal appearance.  Once my ex said I was the "fattest" among my brothers.  Even though it wasn't objectivey true, I hit the gym a bit harder. When I, in a moment of mean spirited and immature retaliation suggested that I like athletic physiques rather than the full-bodied shape of my ex, she began to cut her breasts.  She even included that remark of mine in the divorce papers.  I could have come back with so many things she said or did to me in my own testimony, but I decided it wasn't worth it and just let her (sometimes false) testimony go unchallenged.

[stevenq]

Yes my ex BPD gf was obseessed with looks! I even shaved my head because she liked that look! Had to color my grey streak because she diidnt like grey hair. I always had to manscape! She worked out every day but she wasnt the most fit person very curvy. It never mattered to me. I also found myself always having to rub her back eveynight. She always complained of chronic back pain! Oh well i like the way i look.

[healingmyheart]

My ex was a perfectionist.  He literally had to brush his hair before he went to bed... .  don't laugh, I'm not kidding!  He was/is a very handsome man with a beautiful physique and I think the narcissist side of him truly valued that.  He wanted me to look equally beautiful.  He would always comment how good we looked together... .  how we complemented each others looks.  Even his daughter said that "looks" are very important to him. 

The ironic thing is that I'm one of this women who really don't care so much about what the guy looks like... .  its how he makes me feel.  I just thought it was a bonus that my ex was so gorgeous... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Same here, I let her take my self esteem to the utter point that it was simply not there again. She had a look and I was failing left right and center to make something out of this r/s. She looked, and broke up. I let her control me, I never allowed anyone(!) to control me in my life. Not even my boss during work, I was always considered the rude kind of type at work who never allowed anyone to steal his 'cheese from his bread'. What was mine is mine, and with her, I could never open my mouth and go against her ...

never ever.

My god, and now she is gone forever and when I am NOW at work, everyone pisses over me due to my weak backbone. Fricking ridiculous.