What can you guys tell me about NC?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm looking to hear about your experiences with it. Did your SO initiate NC? Did you do it? How long did it last? Did they break it, or did they never talk to you ever again?

I'm currently on day five of NC with my ex. He was the one who initiated it--and he promptly blocked me on all social media sites, and over voicemail claimed he'd be getting rid of my number and email address too. I believe he probably has done those things. Part of me knows this is probably for the best... .  no more late night calls and texts that shower abuse for hours, no more driving up to see him when he pulls the suicide card, no more (what I thought were) beautiful nights that end with him raging at me until I'm curled up in the corner and crying.

I know that it's healthy to be away, but of course, I did love him, and this hurts terribly. I miss him enough that I usually feel sick and anxious, constantly, without reprieve. We were best friends for almost three years before getting together, and though I knew he struggled with depression, I didn't see THIS in him. I wasn't experienced enough to spot those warning signs... .  or maybe they hadn't fully developed yet; we're both only 21/22 respectively, so perhaps it's still developing.

I miss, so much, the person he was before all this. I know that is an inaccurate view of him now--he's NOT that person any more, and to expect him to be that ever again is a case of me wearing the rosiest glasses imaginable. He doesn't admit to having a problem, and likely will not get help for a long time, if ever. I just don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. This man who I would have married, had children with, who I shared every day of my life with for the better part of three years, is just gone. Once we got together, things went downhill immediately. The nastiness I got out of by the skin of my teeth is not the relationship we once had, and that terrifies me, to know what was waiting beneath the surface. In a way it's lucky; the romantic relationship itself only lasted a few months, and I'm young enough that there is ample time to recover. But that doesn't take away the devastation of having lost a best friend and a love in one fell swoop.

What do you guys think? How real is the possibility that I'll never talk to him again? That he's just cast me off, after all that, never to look back? I imagine you will say that it's best I make my peace with that possibility, and fortify myself against any other options that might crop up. I guess I'm just looking to see how all of you coped with this; this feeling like a limb's been cut off, and the idea that you might never be able to fill the gaping hole that's been left behind.

[sandw0rm]

I'm looking to hear about your experiences with it. Did your SO initiate NC? Did you do it? How long did it last? Did they break it, or did they never talk to you ever again?

I'm currently on day five of NC with my ex. He was the one who initiated it--and he promptly blocked me on all social media sites, and over voicemail claimed he'd be getting rid of my number and email address too. I believe he probably has done those things. Part of me knows this is probably for the best... .  no more late night calls and texts that shower abuse for hours, no more driving up to see him when he pulls the suicide card, no more (what I thought were) beautiful nights that end with him raging at me until I'm curled up in the corner and crying.

I know that it's healthy to be away, but of course, I did love him, and this hurts terribly. I miss him enough that I usually feel sick and anxious, constantly, without reprieve. We were best friends for almost three years before getting together, and though I knew he struggled with depression, I didn't see THIS in him. I wasn't experienced enough to spot those warning signs... .  or maybe they hadn't fully developed yet; we're both only 21/22 respectively, so perhaps it's still developing.

I miss, so much, the person he was before all this. I know that is an inaccurate view of him now--he's NOT that person any more, and to expect him to be that ever again is a case of me wearing the rosiest glasses imaginable. He doesn't admit to having a problem, and likely will not get help for a long time, if ever. I just don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. This man who I would have married, had children with, who I shared every day of my life with for the better part of three years, is just gone. Once we got together, things went downhill immediately. The nastiness I got out of by the skin of my teeth is not the relationship we once had, and that terrifies me, to know what was waiting beneath the surface. In a way it's lucky; the romantic relationship itself only lasted a few months, and I'm young enough that there is ample time to recover. But that doesn't take away the devastation of having lost a best friend and a love in one fell swoop.

What do you guys think? How real is the possibility that I'll never talk to him again? That he's just cast me off, after all that, never to look back? I imagine you will say that it's best I make my peace with that possibility, and fortify myself against any other options that might crop up. I guess I'm just looking to see how all of you coped with this; this feeling like a limb's been cut off, and the idea that you might never be able to fill the gaping hole that's been left behind.

[blecker]

I guess I'm just looking to see how all of you coped with this; this feeling like a limb's been cut off, and the idea that you might never be able to fill the gaping hole that's been left behind.

Hi sandworm. Sorry to hear about your pain. It was a well written post and I could feel how difficult this has been.

I imagine that you will hear from him again sooner or later. It is the nature of the disorder. What you do with that moment will determine how many more times you will be writing a post like you just have.

I am an avid supporter of NC when a person has decided it is over. It will certainly shorten the trip and ease long term pain and recovery.

The hole left behind will fill and I think with all the lessens learned you will be in a much wiser place to truely enjoy and be gratefull for the healthy heart and soul.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Sandw0rm,



So sorry you are dealing with a break up of your relationship.  5 days, the first week is the worst. 

This article may help:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

He might initiate contact or he may be serious about ending it.  What are your thoughts, do you wish to re-engage the relationship?

This article helps to learn how to wind things down and it has detailed information about NC on the right:

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Hang in there, either way this site can help you traverse through the ups and downs.

[sad but wiser]

Hi sandw0rm.  No contact is a difficult road, but many of us have been down it.  First, I don't think most BPD people realize they have a problem.  Your ex sounds so much like mine that it is scary.  Mine also has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder traits like a textbook example.  My ex has the only handle on truth in the universe, so of course it is impossible that HE has a problem.  Even so, he hates the NC time.  His main stress relief valve was talking for hours to me.  As a result, he wants back in frequently.  I imagine yours will be back.  If he can't find anyone else to blame for the stress in his life or that wants to live with him, you will be his first default.  What do YOU want to do?

[sandw0rm]

I am an avid supporter of NC when a person has decided it is over. It will certainly shorten the trip and ease long term pain and recovery.

The hole left behind will fill and I think with all the lessens learned you will be in a much wiser place to truely enjoy and be gratefull for the healthy heart and soul.

Thank you for that. That perspective does lift my heart a bit. I hope you're right--and I don't have any reason to believe you're not. If I can get through this, I'll be operating from a much stronger place. Having the patience for it all may be the biggest struggle!

Hi sandw0rm.  No contact is a difficult road, but many of us have been down it.  First, I don't think most BPD people realize they have a problem.  Your ex sounds so much like mine that it is scary.  Mine also has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder traits like a textbook example.  My ex has the only handle on truth in the universe, so of course it is impossible that HE has a problem.  Even so, he hates the NC time.  His main stress relief valve was talking for hours to me.  As a result, he wants back in frequently.  I imagine yours will be back.  If he can't find anyone else to blame for the stress in his life or that wants to live with him, you will be his first default.  What do YOU want to do?

I feel your pain entirely!  Mine, too, was essentially a textbook example of high-functioning BPD. It's so hard to run up against that wall of them being entirely convinced of their rightness, no matter what anyone else is telling them. Mine did initiate the NC, and he seemed very firm on it... he also never stopped talking to/cheating on me with/engaging HIS ex while we were together, so I know he has another source of emotional support and idealization that isn't me. Unluckily for her, she hasn't entirely been shown this side of him (as he lies about everything, including our relationship naturally), so she's still unfailingly there for him. She's not even aware that their hookups were him cheating on me. So, with her, he is totally free to "paint me black", without any fear of her believing any different. He gets to be the victim. I don't know if, in his mind, there's any use for me anymore.

Since it's only the first week... though I've been burned, I know I'm not strong enough to deny him if he were to contact me again. I know that's sad, but some hoping-against-all-reason part of me is still clinging to the idea that I could help him, or that he could change and we could really HAVE something, if he ever came back. Again, I know that thought is a trap, but god do I ever just want to hear that voice I fell in love with again. : /