smear campaign out of control

[motherof1yearold]

My ex and I had the same group of friends. All one big group of hippies. I recently started talking to an old friend from school that seemed like a nice guy to date. Not long after we started talking ex sent possible boyfriend (we'll call him D) a message on facebook, saying not to go out with me, that I did horrible things to him and our daughter , and that he was just trying to "warn" a friend. He said he couldn't let him go un warned. So then a few of the girls out of the group have been pulling D aside telling him "you don't want to get too close to her , you don't know how bad she F*cked her ex over) 3 times they did this. I really want to set things straight with everyone... .  this is out of control and I am being projected on harshly as the abuser and he the victim... saying I cheated, I lied, I beat him and the child... .  when that's all him! It is SICK   I can't take this anymore.

The only progress I've made is I'm now reading the book The sabre tooth tiger,about why it's so hard to leave abusive men.

[Rose Tiger]

   That is horrible.  After suffering so much to have this coming your way.  How are you finding out that D is hearing these things?

[marbleloser]

This is something you can't control. There's going to be people that take his side,and people that take your side.It's a difficult thing to deal with,I know.Just be yourself,take the high road,and the truth will eventually find it's way out.If a potential bf is so easily swayed,are you sure that's someone you'd want to date?

As for the friends,well,you find out who your friends are in situations like this.Try to stay out of the triangulation.

[motherof1yearold]

Ex sent the messages directly to D, and people bring it up to D in person since we were all in one large group of friends. D wasn't swayed at all, he's aware of Ex's abuse tactics.

[Rose Tiger]

That's good, I was wondering if you were hearing from D or someone that D told.  Always good to have an ally.  Marbleloser has some great advice on how to deal with the smear.   

[Rose1]

Hi - on a side note - this should give you some idea of what is likely to happen should you start a new relationship. Are you strong enough for that yet? Is the potential person also strong enough? Not saying you aren't but it is very important to remember that this will trigger your ex big time and this will affect a new relationship whether you want it to or not.

When I married my current DH 3 years ago I had been out of my previous marriage for 15 years and exBPDh had remarried.  About 6 months into our marriage my exfil died and there was a lot of drama around the funeral directed at my 2 d's.  DH phoned my exBPDh to talk to him about some of the issues and make some suggestions that eventually worked. However, despite 15 years and his own marriage, my ex decided it was appropriate to spend 1/2 hr on the phone telling my H what kind of person I was, how I had left him, how I wasn't a good Christian example yada yada yada ad nauseum  .  Now fortunately my DH is a non who has seen it all before, and also extremely good with conflict management and handled it extremely well. So well in fact that exhBPDh wilted back to where he came from  . 

But it is stressful, and in your case, the breakup being fairly recent, your ex having no other focus yet (ie new victim) and a D in the mix, take some care.

[Blazing Star]

The only progress I've made is I'm now reading the book The sabre tooth tiger,about why it's so hard to leave abusive men.

That's great! Keep focusing on you! He is gonna do what he is gonna do. Refuse to engage in the dysfunctional dance.

You sound stronger!

Love Blazing Star

[DreamGirl]

How about your little one?

The smear campaign extending to her?

Has he gotten better about facilitating your relationship with her?

[motherof1yearold]

How about your little one?

The smear campaign extending to her?

Has he gotten better about facilitating your relationship with her?

I don't know what you mean about the little one but he claims me to have done "horrible" things to her. He has told people I baby sit for not to leave their children with me, going as far as to call the police. He is still waging war at all times.