fear of rejection fleas

[MinaLaury]

Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone growing up with a BPD parent finds the normal ebb and flow of a healthy relationship very uncomfortable? I find myself, especially in the early stages, interpreting anything short of total self-sacrificing devotion to represent some sort of withdrawal or rejection, like they've suddenly seen through me? I'm wondering if the completely hot or completely cold 'love' we grew up with means that unless we're being obsessed over, we feel completely rejected, like there's no in between? Or maybe it's just me:)

[mosaicbird]

Yes, absolutely... .  Growing up in that sort of environment can leave us with all kinds of BPD or attachment disorder traits ourselves. Obviously I'm not saying that we all have full-blown personality disorders (though some of us do), but that it's impossible to grow up with that kind of broken/disordered relational style and not have it affect us somehow... .  

I am very similar to what you're describing when it comes to close relationships. I wouldn't know what healthy interaction was if it smacked me in the face.  Intellectually, I get it, but that doesn't make a bit of difference when it comes to what actually goes on inside me when people get close. I try to warn people - I mean, I really do say up front "I am not a healthy person. I am selfish, prone to extreme reactions, my emotions are unstable and inconsistent, and I do not make a good friend because sometimes I can't feel anything at all." - but even my BPD ex says that isn't good enough and that I should basically be a recluse who never talks to anyone because of the damage I do. Ugh... .  What is one to do?  

[XL]

I have found (finally) relationship happiness. Together 5 years now. I realize I do well with people who are emotionally bland. My partner does not inherently have wild temper or mood changes. It's more of a slow burn, and there have been moments where I've had to "shut my mouth & sleep on it" when old habits tell me things should be "exploding more". I usually come to my senses. We look for adventure in travel or activities, and not interpersonal drama.

A healthy relationship is where both people maintain their own lives and interests. When you start demanding 100% involvement, healthy people start feeling smothered and will push away. We even have a commuter thing where we only see each other 2-3 days a week. I am emotionally intense, but I get it out of my system through art & exercise, and try not to be so intense when we're together. We are A LOT more stable than most of our friends who cohabit/marry/etc. We'd theoretically get two separate homes close by if we could.

It's a refreshing change from my highly enmeshed childhood home where everyone was up in everyone else's face all the time.

And I can't recommend DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) workbooks enough for BPD family members, just to relearn healthy communication skills.

[MinaLaury]

Thanks mosacibird and XL! I also work best with even-tempered people XL but I still keep waiting for them to suddenly turn on me in the early stages. I remember with my longest-term ex, a good few years ago, we used to laugh about the fact that he was always so 'evil' in my dreams, given how sweet he was in reality. Now that I'm having similar dreams about my current even-tempered warm guy I'm starting to realize that it's the very niceness that makes me anxious that the 'evil' might show up any minute. I think this is defo a hangover from my relationship with my mother, the way she'd just change and then I'd have to figure out what I'd done wrong to make her turn from intensely loving to to intensely hating. One of my best friends said the other day 'you seem to think it's the easiest thing in the world to push a man away'. What a horrible disorder this is in its effects on the sufferer and those around them. But I guess it's good news that a healthy relationship is possible, so thanks XL

[GeekyGirl]

Yes--I've felt the same way too. If someone (especially a boyfriend) didn't make grandiose gestures of love or read my mind, he didn't love me. Over time, I realized that it was my behavior and insecurity that was pushing guys away. Once I felt secure in myself and realized that I was loveable and found someone that I could really trust, everything clicked.

It's hard to really take an honest look at yourself, so MinaLaury, you should give yourself a lot of credit for really looking at how you look at relationships.

I think this is defo a hangover from my relationship with my mother, the way she'd just change and then I'd have to figure out what I'd done wrong to make her turn from intensely loving to to intensely hating.

That makes a lot of sense. You've been conditioned over time to immediately assume that you've done something wrong, when most of the time that isn't the case. Now that you're looking at things differently, how would you approach relationships differently?