Living in fear of an upcoming event

[sonofbpd]

Long story short, my brother is getting married across the country soon and whenever my Mom travels her BPD characteristics really flare up. Last time (about 6 months ago) it was a living nightmare and really took it's toll on my health. I am in my thirties and live alone, but due to cultural pressures, 'always taking care of one's parents' is the norm. I spent 53 hours on the phone in August as a result of this incident (I checked).

Within a 4-5 week period we're talking multiple missed flights, insanely unreasonable demands, her staying with family friends uninvited to the point that they would sneak out and call us begging for our help to get her (mom) out of their house, her calling 911, going to the hospital, etc. etc. One of the boundaries I've set is that she may not stay with me. When she is having one of her episodes this becomes her priority. I almost caved last time and ended up being put on anti-anxiety meds before my brother stepped in and took the bullet.

Saw a therapist who recommended learning how to ':)etach with Love' and has me reading 'Codepedent no More'.

But I get these rushes of anxiety and resentment about the way she acts and the things she says. We barely speak anymore. But I'm living in fear about another episode coming in a few months. I'm imagining the future -- doesn't that make ME the crazy one?

[daughterdearest]

You're not the crazy one. It is extremely anxiety provoking to have a future meeting coming up. I live far away from my BPD mom, and I find myself dreading not just in-person visits, but also phone conversations. Even now sometimes when my phone beeps, I jump.

Wishing you a lot of strength and fortitude.

[Kwamina]

But I get these rushes of anxiety and resentment about the way she acts and the things she says. We barely speak anymore. But I'm living in fear about another episode coming in a few months. I'm imagining the future -- doesn't that make ME the crazy one?

You're not crazy at all! The ways you describe things actually makes you sound just like me, or maybe we're both crazy  But on a more serious note, for years I've dreaded birthday parties and holidays because my mother or older sister could misbehave again. Now I'm worrying less because I'm learning to accept that this is the way they are and that it's highly unlikely that they're ever gonna change. I basically expect them to misbehave and try to be as well prepared for it as possible.

[GeekyGirl]

I never understood why I dreaded family gatherings until I learned about BPD. I can understand why you're nervous about your brother's wedding--what you've said that will likely happen does sound very unpleasant.

How long is your mother going to be away for the wedding? If it's only for a few days, you might be able to minimize the impact on your relatives (and therefore yourself) by putting her up in a hotel or having her spend a night "visiting" with each willing relative/friend If it's longer than, say, a week, it might be worth reaching out to your relatives/friends to see how long they could put her up.

Does she have a direct flight? Even if it's more expensive, that might be worth looking into just to make sure she doesn't miss a connection and end up stranded overnight.

The good thing is that you already have an idea of how your mother will behave. You also have some time to set up some plans if/when she starts to behave the way you've seen before so you can have some help when you need it or a way to minimize the disruption.

You're not crazy for being anxious about what's coming up. Many of us here can relate to what you're feeling.

[XL]

"But I'm living in fear about another episode coming in a few months. I'm imagining the future -- doesn't that make ME the crazy one?"

I struggle with this too. I start panicking about Christmas in October, and every year it lives up to my expectations. There is a pattern of behavior, and you are correct to assume "typical" behavior unless there's some major change, like therapy.

You can break out your patterns, and your expected role.