newbie seeks advice for waiting for the "thaw"

[tut-uncommon]

Im a complete newbie who has unwittingly entered the world of BPD a few stormy days ago. I would ask a little perspective/advice from you members? . .  Recently my BPD girlfriend had an event and a few days later brought my belongings from her house to me despite my wishes. I didnt know anything about BPD then and was completely unprepared  :'(  Now I know so much more? She has responded to a few texts with one word answers. I sent her one yesterday morning requesting that we should talk but I'll leaving the decision up to her (a book's advice on BPD - let the decision up to her).

I want desperately to tell her my feelings and understanding of things better so . .  .

1. Sit and wait now? (but live my life of course)

2. How long do some BPD "ice ages" last?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   Glad you found this forum!

I looked back on your initial post, but didn't see anything about whether your girlfriend has been diagnosed or not.  Can you tell us anything more about your situation?  How long have you two been dating? 

I know how difficult it is to get blindsided with an episode.  I was totally caught off guard by the blasting I received and it wasn't until I stumbled upon Stop Walking On Eggshells book that I realized what was happening to my seemingly perfect world. 

There is no telling just how long an "ice age" will last... .  could be minutes, hours, days, weeks... .    I have found that the less I pay attention to it, the quicker it passes.  Do your own thing.  Read whatever you can (the lessons here are great for starters) and understand what your role in the relationship is.  It's not an easy path to take, but sometimes the most challenging are the most rewarding ones as well.  You get to choose whether you feel this is too difficult or not. 

[tut-uncommon]

Thank you for your reply Rockylove.  My BPD has been diagnosed and works on her treatment and is highly functioning. She told me early that she has BPD but didnt quite go into detail (no mention of blowups, alas). We've worked in nearby departments and knew each other workwise for years but began our romance 5 months ago. She didnt respond to my request to talk, but she's here at work today. So, I have no idea what will happen. I plan to be polite, but not gushing. Wish us luck . . . 

[Daveh]

Going thru the same thing, it's so hard to understand, it's been 4 weeks now and although I send short emails to say how much I care I get no response other than to say only send "essential emails".

My SO (also highly functioning) is seeing a therapist but has not told me what her T's diagnosis is, My T is convinced she is BPD. See my earlier post on this board, would love any thoughts and will share mine as, if and when there may be any changes.

[tut-uncommon]

Latest update:

We saw each other at work. I stated how I felt (albeit too emotionally  ) and . . . .

1.Bottom line is she says she needs "space", 2. not expect an "I love you" back even if I say it 3. contact will be very limited, ie dont text each other everyday. If this were a normal relationship, I'd say that it was a "soft" letdown or breakup- when one person wants to leave but doesnt come right out and say it?

So, . . .  I started seeing a therapist for counseling   and she brought to my attention, "what is the difference between 'breaking up' and this?" and I thought, "not much except for a tiny bit of hope"

Second point she revealed to me is that its her choice to do this and she could contact me also.  . .

Biggest revelation that I have gained out of this (aside from the whole BPD thing) is that I completely surrendered everything to her. Sheesh! . . that was nobody's fault but mine.   

[Daveh]

I asked my SO if this means she was dumping me and if she still loved me, her response was "if you keep on like this dumping you will be the only option" there was no response to my question of love!

As you say I can only hope.

After seeing my therapist and expressing my concern that if I were to no longer email her then it would validate her belief that I cannot be counted on, or trusted and will lie to her all the time, I sent the following:

I want you to have as much space as you need, but at the same time I do not want you to feel as if I have abandoned you by not sending an occasional email.

I send this email with all good intention to abide by your wishes.

Of course I received no response but as you say tut-uncommon, I "hope"

Can anyone give me an idea how long this could go on for? It's the difficulty of not seeing an end that is so hard to come to terms with.

[tut-uncommon]

Daveh,

I read some of your other posts . . 

As to this latest one its "damned if you do, damned if you dont" a "no win situation"

the pwBPD places you in a box made by them and blames you for it, the box, and everything wrong -  etc etc etc

I think taking some control and letting her be the one to communicate is a great idea. My T told me the same thing when I told her that I was writing letters . . She told me NOT to mail them. Its HER choice of NC (no contact)

[tut-uncommon]

        and one more thing,

isnt it strange how we prostrate ourselves and turn ourselves into doormats to the pwBPD?

I do not get it! I was fine before we were in a relationship now I find myself putting life on "hold" on something that may never be . . 

[Somewhere]

        and one more thing,

isnt it strange how we prostrate ourselves and turn ourselves into doormats to the pwBPD?

I do not get it! I was fine before we were in a relationship now I find myself putting life on "hold" on something that may never be . . 

And NOW . . . that you are becoming self-aware of that . . .



There is hope for you.

Set yourself free.

[benny2]

Just be prepared, they often do come back. Its best not to initiate it, they love the chase. Its hard, very hard, but it really is the best thing to give her the space and take the time to decide if this is what you want. In my case, I know he wants a normal relationship, he just does'nt know how, and I am giving it one last ditch effort to work on things. I not getting my hopes up because I am not sure if I can handle the ups and downs. Good Luck and stay strong.

[inepted]

Things are starting to thaw for me. For about a week after the breakup, she hated me and didn't want to talk. Then we talked for about a week like everything was normal. Then the next week anything I said just seemed to annoy her. I finally started to detach and focus for myself for the past three weeks, and suddenly this week she's been reaching out trying to talk to me just about every day. Not as much as we used to, but it's something.

She hasn't talked to me about our relationship yet or wanting me back, but she seemed to thaw out and willing to talk to me again and being a little flirty. I guess it's a start. Im being cautiously optimistic, and still letting her make the first move.

The sooner you're able to detach with love and focus on yourself, the sooner things will start to thaw. I know its been mentioned on the boards a few times, and still seems like the best advice.

[Auspicious]

This may well be a breakup. Just because she has BPD does not mean that she can't break up with you. That would be painful, but is a possibility that must be faced.

[HardTruth]

You know, there's plenty on these boards that express people's experience that they are able to stay and manage in a relationship with their BPD as long as they essentially give over most control to them.  In other words, the BPD gets to call the shots - when they want you, when they don't - and you are supposed to be at their beck and call with no resentments or needs of your own. 

That's not fair.  If "high-functioning" means she can hold down a job, have friends, and manage her life that's great.  If it means she gives you the silent treatment whenever she wants and doesn't take responsibility for dropping you suddenly, how she's managing her BPD in a relationship is not high functioning despite how she manages it in other aspects of her life.

I had to ask myself, do I want to continue to pursue someone who can't/won't show me empathy?  He doesn't treat me the way he wants to be treated?  Despite my exBPD's good and sincere intentions, he couldn't be my friend. He doesn't have the skill set and emotional maturity.  Perhaps one day he will.  He broke off contact with me over 3 months ago after breaking up with me, and then begging me to be his friend. 

I, personally, don't expect to hear from him again.  At first NC was hard, but I think now I'm grateful for it.  I think having contact would have pulled me into recycling, the friend zone with hope, and all those hurtful places that just keep you in the loop.

I'm working with a T to help me with my own stuff that I would accept un-loving behavior from a bf, and then keep desiring him back rather than moving on and finding someone loving.

Good luck to you.

[NonBPDSpouse]

Im a complete newbie who has unwittingly entered the world of BPD a few stormy days ago. I would ask a little perspective/advice from you members? . .  Recently my BPD girlfriend had an event and a few days later brought my belongings from her house to me despite my wishes. I didnt know anything about BPD then and was completely unprepared  :'(  Now I know so much more? She has responded to a few texts with one word answers. I sent her one yesterday morning requesting that we should talk but I'll leaving the decision up to her (a book's advice on BPD - let the decision up to her).

I want desperately to tell her my feelings and understanding of things better so . .  .

1. Sit and wait now? (but live my life of course)

2. How long do some BPD "ice ages" last?

If she is truly BPD and she is "setting you free" after 5 months... .  

Send her one final short message:


"Thank You"        LOL... .  

[4on6]

"After seeing my therapist and expressing my concern that if I were to no longer email her then it would validate her belief that I cannot be counted on, or trusted and will lie to her all the time"

"I think taking some control and letting her be the one to communicate is a great idea. My T told me the same thing when I told her that I was writing letters . . She told me NOT to mail them. Its HER choice of NC (no contact)"

see this is always kinda tough for me should I send a email every

now & then lettig her know I care about her? or should I just say nothing?

I haven't heard from her in about a week when she randomly sent a long email saying how she's been ect

I haven't sent her anything besides the initial response to the email & before that we were NC for about

10 days silent treatment & her email read weirdly as if nothing happened which is freaky but I get it now

& it's not the first time anymore

should I send a occasional email?

[Daveh]

I'm at 6 weeks and still waiting for the thaw.

I don't know if I have done the right thing or not, but have dropped her an email maybe once or twice a week just to let her know I have not abandoned her.

I know there is a lot of stress in her life right now with the sale of her house so I sit and hope that the silent treatment may soon end.

Wish I knew for sure if what I am doing was the right thing.

It's the uncertainty, the limbo of not knowing when, or if, the thaw will be over that is the hardest part for me.

[tut-uncommon]

Daveh,

Im there too brother!

I wrote my last letter last week (no texts, emails, etc).  My T said "do not send" my letters. Its HER choice of NC.

Ive read where the pwBPD actually feeds off of this and pushes us away . . .

To be honest (not to mention sad and regretful) - I think she's already morphing into another's sonn-to-be-victim's identity. How sad. I cant believe I feel for this.

[tut-uncommon]

 

Oops, that last line was supposed to be "fell"

Freudian slip . . 

[Mightyhammers]

Hey guys

Im in the same boat, me and the (ex?) GF had a few heated exchanges last week, and it was only afterwards after some research that I realised she might have this condition. Stupidly I deleted her from my FB, and got a text from her that night ‘nice to see you deleted me from FB, didn’t take you long did it. Take care’

Because I have hopefully wised up about her condition Im in 2 minds as to contact her just to let her know that I care about her, or just leave it as Im on day 4 of NC. Wether she comes back or not, who knows……

[Daveh]

Welcome to the ice box mightyhammers. Im still in it, week seven now!

I have discovered to my expense that the worst thing we seem to do is to react to our BPDSO as they do to us. It has hurt my relationship in the past and only now thanks to this forum and two excellent books that I am reading (they were recommended on here) am I beginning to get a handle on how I need to behave in order to give her the love, support and validation that her bdm needs. There are so many good things I have read in these books that make so much sense and have helped me understand how hard a toll her emotions take on her. As a partner it is so important for us to accept that the way they feel is frighteningly real to them and they need someone that they can count on to appreciate their position even if we cannot understand WHY they see things in a certain way.

It was my failure to see how my disbelief and invalidation of her reading of a situation was going to make things even worse for her and bring our relationship to this limbo. I have written an email (yet to be sent, need to see what my T thinks of it first) telling her how I have discovered how my behavior needs to change and my understanding of what I did wrong. If it works Ill share with you.

The two books are "The High Conflict Couple" by Alan Fruzzetti and "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning. The best price that I found for both was here: www.booksamillion.com/

[Mightyhammers]

hey Dave

do you really think shes gonna come back after 7 weeks? thats a long time, a week is a long time for me!

[Daveh]

Well Mighty, I cant imagine life without her, so yes, that is all I can think, I'll let you know how the letter works out. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

[tut-uncommon]

Daveh,

Its a good thing you have gained an understanding of this disorder. I have also learned much in the past 2 weeks.

But

Im a little concerned how fast you take the blame for her behavior. This is NOT your fault! She made the decision to leave, she made the decision for NC, and finally, she's making you feel guilty for all .  Please stop blaming yourself for this?

[Daveh]

I understand what you are saying Tut, and I accept that to everyone of us without BPD we would all agree that the creation of any given situation is most often the fault of the pwBPD but it is so hard for them to accept the consequences of their actions, (and if we try to force them to we only make it worse, for them AND us!)

Not realizing until only recently how hard it is for my SO to live with her emotions, I can see that when I made the conscious decision to act as I did in  the situation that caused the NC, and although it wasn't my FAULT, her reaction was as a result of what I said. If I had known then what I do now, she and I would not be in this situation and I could (without her realizing it) be helping her to adapt her behavior.

In essence its not really blaming myself but a clarity of thought that I have discovered about how change in my SO can only occur if change first happens with me. I pray that she will give me the chance to show and share what I have learned.

[NonBPDSpouse]

Many times as a NON BBP we do cause problems for ourselves and BPD partners.

But in my experience and hindsight I can see that many of my "bad" decisions were because I would compromise my true direction and agendas to compensate for the way My wife would react or the way I would think she would react.

My life has been much more focused and headed in a much better direction since I took mi life back and started to do what I think is right as opposed to making concessions in order to avoid conflict with my BPD wife.( which would end up in conflict  and blame anyway).

Once I realized I was getting blamed for everything anyway, I realized I should make life decisions the way I see them.

At least now I can honestly take blame for a bad decision and stand up like a man.

[mikewbpdwife]

Daveh,

Im there too brother!

I wrote my last letter last week (no texts, emails, etc).  My T said "do not send" my letters. Its HER choice of NC.

Ive read where the pwBPD actually feeds off of this and pushes us away . . .

To be honest (not to mention sad and regretful) - I think she's already morphing into another's sonn-to-be-victim's identity. How sad. I cant believe I feel for this.

Sorry to hear about your experiences. From what I know the ice age have lasted almost 8 mts after my wife of 5 years splitted me black. From then I was truly like the doormat trying to please her while she had non of it. We still live together but there were no more close messages whenever i sent her from work. Its all those aloof repiles which had no empathy. Even gifts of flowers rejected with hatred. Weird thing is she is like a child friend watching tv wuth me when we can talk about things. However i noe shes secretly seeing other guys. They seem to crave new loves for the "love of their life". Seeing how she needed me for financial, a roof over her head. Basically just to fufil her needs are terrifying. BPD traits i tell you. We had no intimacy and thats killing what we had till now. Man you are gettibg baited. Once the honeymoon starts to wane, her true colors will suffocate you. There will never be a maturity of trust and emotional support for you from her.