How to deal with recycling attempts?

[healingmyheart]

Been a week since i had to kick out ex BPD.  The texting between us after he moved out was painful... .  twisting the truth and making me out to be a horrific person.  I finally told him that I no longer wished to communicate with him.

Yesterday, I receive a bouquet of roses.  I never responded so he starts trying to text me, sending me pictures of us from things we've done together and then a shirtless picture of him... .  then he texts how much I must miss the touch of his skin , etc. Then today he actually tries to call me (like he really thinks I'm going to answer) to say that he loves me and I love him, blah, blah and he wants to meet me a church tomorrow morning.  

I keep trying to ignore the obvious but I'm wearing me out... .  

What do I do... .  keep ignoring or send a text and explain that nothing has changed and he needs to move on.  

He seems so desperate.  One minute he was painting me black, now he wants me so bad... .  

[Cumulus]

Hard spot. Sounds like he is telling you what you feel. ( He loves me, and i love him... .  ". Mine was really good at that until I could recognize it and reassume ownership of what I thought and how I felt.

[GreenMango]

I don't know about you but I know I got involved in the push pull cycle A LOT.  Little mini breaks and longer ones too.  We always ended up back in each others company. 

this reinforced the idea that this was how things go... .  fight breakup get back together, fight breakup get back together.

He may think this is more of the same.  Check out this article: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Does this seem like something you could try?

[Leaf]

... .  then he texts how much I must miss the touch of his skin

He said that? How much YOU must miss the touch of HIS skin?

[healingmyheart]

Green Mango,  Thank you for the article... .  I read it and it makes perfect sense.  The push and pull and not letting go when you feel so ambivalent is so hard.

Leaf, Yes, he did say that.  Sending the picture of his body is like he's saying "see what you are missing.  I'm so wonderful how can you not want this".

I don't know about your ex BPD's but mine seems to have a lot of narcissist traits.

[mango_flower]

Wow, Stolemysoul... .  

That's confusing. 

A few questions for you, if you want to answer them honestly:

How did you FEEL when you got those roses?  Genuinely?

Is there even a small part of you wanting to give him another chance?  Or are you completely done?

Because the answer to those questions affects how you respond, I guess   I'll give my thoughts once I know a bit more.  Or are there any other threads I can read to ascertain your history with him?

xxx

[healingmyheart]

After the lies and deceit about the emotional affair my ex had, things changed for me.  Although I still feel like I love him, I know he is NOT good for me and I can't go back.  Do I want to go back to him and hope we can relive the honeymoon period ?  Of course I do but realistically I know that's not possible either. 

It's like an addiction... .  you know you shouldn't have it but you crave it. 

I guess I know I have to move on but this ambivalent period whereby he is trying to suck me back in is so hard because I want to believe in the fairytale that we will live happily every after. 

[mango_flower]

I am so there with you on that. If my ex wanted me back tomorrow, it would take every ounce of strength for me to say no (luckily for me, she is happy and loved up with her new fiancee!)

So yeah.  Keep your head screwed on.

Flowers need to go into the bin.  Detach emotionally from this.  If he gets in touch re: the flowers, just tell him "Thanks, that was a nice thought" as you'd do with anyone else.  Get a script ready in case he catches you off guard with contact.  Remember the bad things.  And keep moving forward.

xxx

[healingmyheart]

He really showed his true colors when I confronted him about the lies.  He lied with evidence thrown in his face.  He continued to try to blame shift towards me even though he was the one doing the wrong.  He went to all his friends/family and twisted the truth and made me look bad.  

I ask you, why in the world would I want to go back to that?  I guess because the aroma of the honeymoon period keeps permeating my brain with hopes of rekindling that time.  

[Peterpan]

Stolemysoul... .  I am having this too, all the same words I mean.

I've given up with the frustrated questions which get me no-where... .  his answers always go like this... .  

"I want nothing more than to hear your voice, hold you, make love to you for hours, I know how frustrated YOU are, I really do"

"I know how deeply YOU love me, how much YOU want me, I really do"

" I know you are such a loving gentle caring person with so much love and affection to give to those YOU love so deeply"

"I want so much to hear your voice, look into your beautiful ... .  eyes , hold you, kiss your lips... .  etc... .  etc,as I KNOW YOU do mine"

"I know how much you have  worried, not hearing from me"

I also have had... .  " hello my darling,,at work now (which means , you can text me, I'm not at home)... .  and when I replied... .  "really busy right now, love you, miss you, speak soon" and each time felt like a kick in the stomach!

and all this has been going on for 18 months, he doesnt  even ask to speak on the phone unless I push him!

Reading all that back in the early times used to make me think, oh well, he does love me, just can't get away.


Now... .  I read it back and see it as it is... .  ALL ABOUT HIM, all about how much he wants my attention with NO intentions of anything else. And he expects me to keep telling him he is right, adoring him, even after he betrayed me... .  I also had the proof, and he was so convincing in his denials, I actually felt I was going crazy!

I have been on a roller coaster with this for 2 years now... .  the yearning and longing for him have subsided now, I do feel love for him one day, and then only pity the next.

I am trying to do the detaching methods on here... .  his texts now only say hello, how are you, love you, miss you, etc, and that is all he has offered me in 18 months, as well as a handful of general chit chats on the phone. until I pushed for reasons, then he felt threatened and made a few minutes to see me face to face... .  only to appease me.

I was so relieved to get those texts before... .  not now... .  I answer him short, sharp and to the point... .  and like a child, he then leaves me for another day.

No need to say anymore really... .  I give him the same as he does me, nothing more,,he sulks like a baby!

He will get bored before I do, and this to me feels like it is I who is now playing games with him. I suppose in a way I am,but I know if I go no contact his paranoia will kick in and I will get drawn back in to a full recycle again. Better for me this way... .  I feel calm and I am detaching (without him realising it)

Take care and stick to your guns xx

[gina louise]

Once in my teens pining over an absent crush my Mother told me... "if they want to BE with you they will find a way to BE with you!" Wise words. 

No matter how they phrase it-they are NOT there!

All this texting from afar is like a game for them. 

it keeps contact, with distance. It's all about controlled dosages like giving poison that's nearly toxic-but in tiny, limited doses.   

Controlling the means of contact, and the distance/proximity. I think it gives them a sense of "power over" when they can do it.

my stbxBPDh does it too.

GL

[Leaf]

My BPD (w/NPD traits) cheated on me as well, lots of emotional infidelity and some physical. He hid it very well. My gut feeling said the physical infidelity happened more than once but I could only prove one instance. Like your exes he lied in the face of evidence and when that didn't work he made up this elaborate story in which he couldn't get it up with the woman because he thought of me, so he didn't cheat! Hooray!

I've tried to defuse his recycling attempts. I broke up with him two months ago. He had several replacements waiting in the wings and by now he's attaching to them. Denies that he's seeing anyone of course. He still wants me back but on his terms. After two weeks of NC we went LC (mail and occassional meets in public places, dinner, museum) and I tried to be boring, because I don't want him to try too hard to get me back and to stalk me.

My standard answer to everything was that I miss the good times but I really don't want the bad times anymore. And that I have to 'find myself' and 'work on myself' (not the way I think and talk usually). I had just read 'Mars and Venus on a date' and that inspired me to tell him we had to take a step back in our relationship, just dinner and talk, and I bored him with long mails about how he would be happy if he would try to make me happy instead of the other way around, inspired on the male/female roles in that book. This way I could have my bargaining phase and chase him off by being very boring at the same time. I even wore the same clothes to all my dates with him, although I would have liked to dress up.

So far it worked relatively well. He showed up at my mall early last week, parked next to my car, he had followed me around the supermarket unnoticed. I talked to him about his car mostly and I haven't heard from him since. Because he was mean to me the last time we had dinner I don't go out with him anymore. When he asked if we could still send mails, I said: we can try if it's limited, I don't know if it's good for me. That same day he sent me several texts and emails, I kept my limits in place and only reacted to one with my standard answer: I miss the good things as well but I really don't want the bad things anymore.

I don't want him back but I do miss the touch of HIS skin – he thinks he's God's gift to women as well. 

[GreenMango]

He really showed his true colors when I confronted him about the lies.  He lied with evidence thrown in his face.  He continued to try to blame shift towards me even though he was the one doing the wrong.  He went to all his friends/family and twisted the truth and made me look bad.  

I ask you, why in the world would I want to go back to that?  I guess because the aroma of the honeymoon period keeps permeating my brain with hopes of rekindling that time.  

Ah honeymoons are wonderful... .  they don't last though.  And his behavior after the honeymoon is pretty destructive. 

Wax nostalgic on that when those flowers start arriving.

[Peterpan]

Leaf

This all sounds so much like my story, except for one thing, I am the woman, he really couldn't 'get it up with' he was conbstantly aroused but as soon as it came to the actual act, he couldn't! when he did manage on a few occasions he appeared distant, like a robot, and the one time he did really let himself go... .  he actually half shouted the other woman's name at me! He claimed he had been that way for a few years,with his wife too!

It all seems so long back now, he claimed he was shouting something else, and it wasnt until I started to see the same bonding tecniques with the other one, and I started to recieve texts which referred to her and not me, that my memory came back like a light bulb, it all fitted into place!

Our 'relationship' was only four months in, still very obsessive and new, and happened after months and months of him chasing and then pulling back, I can see now that he drew me in wiht ambivalnet flirting?

I had seen so many red flags, him getting flustered around anyone new in our vacinity, obsessiveness and clinging to me for days, then nothing at all for a couple of days.

It is very sad but it has taken me over a year of nothing but texts, the odd phone call when I pushed him, and a handful of meetings, somewhere public,while he watched every passing car all the time... .  for me to stand back and see the wood for the trees.

I am so ashamed that I have allowed him to manipulate me back. His act of bewildermant and denials were so strong that I told myself I had been over paranoid,that is how much I loved him.

He has only used me for attention, I can't even question him any more, I am wasting my time, I have even had the other woman's nickname come through in some of my texts, upon questioning, he has created big dramas and 'can't talk now, so and so has happened)

I know now that I am not just dealing wiht a three year old, but a ver very cruel one (sociopathic comes to mind)

I like you have tried everything, LC, NC, explaining that this behaviour is not normal,all on  deaf ears.

I am also answering him now with basic, boring responses and all I am getting from him is a basic text telling me he is 'available' I reply with a question, even "how are you", he doesnt answer.

Quite clealry just a token text to see if I will reply or not.

Totally heartbreaking, I'm done, and yet here I am, the one who feels bad/sacred to hurt his feelings... .   

[Leaf]

That's awful Peterpan, that he shouted the other woman's name!

I think mine has the same functional problem in bed in general. It's their insecurity. I always thought he was this incredible stud and then two years into the relationship I stumbled upon this pile of blue pills. I found one in my home cut in half a couple of weeks ago.

I know now that I am not just dealing wiht a three year old, but a ver very cruel one (sociopathic comes to mind)

I've also come to find that the bad man is the real man. Mine had definite sadistic traits. The rest is a facade and I was just his favorite puppet on a string. His father and grandfather were cheaters and beaters respectively as well and he mostly grew up in institutions. I still love him :'(. It's so difficult to get your head around the fact that the one you love doesn't really exist.

[healingmyheart]

Peterpan,

I've read where the more they care for you... .  in other words, the more emotionally involved they are, the harder it is for them to perform sexually.

I found viagra in my ex's nightstand.  He had at least 5 different performance enhancing medications... .  he seemed obsessed with his performance.  Although he didn't seem to have an problem "getting it out', he did seem to worry about it a lot and want to optimize things as much as possible. 

[GreenMango]

If you have to be one of Charlies Angels to figure out wth your partner is up to that doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.

[healingmyheart]

Green Mango... .  exactly right! 

[GreenMango]

I'm serious... .  BPD or no BPD these kind of antics  disqualify someone from being my partner.

What about you?

[healingmyheart]

Green Mango, There is no question that these types of issues does and did disqualify my partner.  He had an emotional affair, lied and deceived, was abusive to both my daughter and I and used me for financial gain... .  I kicked him out. 

Sadly, it took me awhile to put the puzzle together but once I did... .  no more. 

I expect honesty and truth because I am honest and truthful... .  no real relationship can survive without. 

Plus, what kind of example would I be setting for my daughter if I let her see that it's ok to stay with a man who treats you that way. 

I had a 20 plus year marriage prior so I do know what its like to have a lovely, caring, giving marriage with respect and sometimes compromises... .  that's what I'm only willing to accept

[GreenMango]

All valid points.  Shoot for that in a relationship.  

With or without the mental illness this guy isn't worth wasting time on.

I'm a believer that the minute I have to ask a person repeatedly for decency and consideration, especially in a mate, is the minute I need to start reevaluating the idea of love, expectations and letting the person go.  They need to be with someone more like them.

[Peterpan]

Oh yes!

Viagra involved here too!

I have also studied (Madonna /whore syndrome)... .  I think this is what was involved here.

I have always thought/said... .  I do knnow amongst all my other bad guts feelings,that he does 'really love me' allbeit in his own way.

Doesn't help me though because quiote clearly he is constantly aroused by other,new challenges and I would if I allwoed him, only be the one he comes to like an old trusty doormat!

There is a very fine line between... .  very good friend who you feel deep feelings for,,adn someone you can pick up when there is no New challenge around.


It is also ver cruel to keep on telling someone you care for them deeply adn want so much to make love to them... .  and then go to someone else for the needed thrill.

Not for me I'm afraid,,take care all x

[healingmyheart]

I found an article not long ago which I no longer can find which discussed BPD and the black and white and good girl/whore feelings they have.

If I understood it correctly, it seemed to say that when the BPD male paints in white, you are the good girl but when he paints you black, you become the bad girl... .  the whore. 

I find this interesting in that my ex BPD loves to write his feelings down on paper and write poems and short stories.  I found in several of his writings, he wrote about the women being a "whore".  I think since they think in such black and white, it's hard for them to integrate both good girl/bad girl at the same time. 

[gina louise]

my ex will characterize women as crazy/psycho OR a hot piece of a$$. often both.

he completely objectified females.

the truly good ones were like Living Saints.(to him)

he was unable to see "normal", as perfectly good, ordinary and decent.

PeterPan... .  did we date the same guy?   

GL