Struggling to cut the last tie

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Monday, I will have maintained 7 weeks straight of NC. There is one final tie left to him. We are still FB friends. Here is where he still manages to manipulate me by posting things that are clearly meant as messages to me. And this is what keeps me chained to him, remaining obsessed, and waiting.

The answer seems to simple, right? Unfriend him. Then I can't see what he posts. He can write whatever he wants, and it will be of no consequence to me, because I won't be able to read it.

So why is it that I cannot bring myself to do this very simple thing?

[Blessed0329]

Monday, I will have maintained 7 weeks straight of NC. There is one final tie left to him. We are still FB friends. Here is where he still manages to manipulate me by posting things that are clearly meant as messages to me. And this is what keeps me chained to him, remaining obsessed, and waiting.

The answer seems to simple, right? Unfriend him. Then I can't see what he posts. He can write whatever he wants, and it will be of no consequence to me, because I won't be able to read it.

So why is it that I cannot bring myself to do this very simple thing?

[elessar]

my upwBPD had deleted me from FB multiple times and added me whenever her anger would blow by. few weeks I was so angry at her for going out on a date a day after a fight that I blocked her. I hoped she would feel bad and try to contact me and I was in no mood to listen to her. what I did not realize was... .  if you block someone, they are automatically deleted too! so if you cannot delete him, just block him... .  

but will that stop you from going to his profile though? I still go to her profile... .  i can see nothing but her profile pic... .  but I do it multiple times a day... .  

but it is still better than seeing his manipulative posts right?

[Blessed0329]

I am not sure that it will stop me from checking his profile. It will keep me from breaking out in a cold sweat whenever I am on FB and see him log on. And it will stop those manipulative posts.

[AllyCat7]

This is tough. I think it's a reflection of having some abandonment issues yourself, and that's something you should look into. If you truly believe he is wrong for you, then cut him off. You have to rationalize it to yourself and just do it. If cutting him off completely scares you, you can always tell him that you will be deleting him off FB but he can contact you via email if he needs you. Then you can slowly ween that away (or he may not even try to email you, but at least it will be less traumatic than cutting him off cold turkey). It's very difficult to let these people go. I totally understand! I struggle with these issues myself.

Also, next time, if someone is using FB to manipulate you while you are in a relationship, address it right away. If they continue to do it, then delete them while you are still in the relationship. I did this with my ex. He was using FB to play some crazy mind games. I told him I didn't like it, but he denied it and continued it (I guess he couldn't help it). So I deleted him and we were not FB friends for the 2nd year of our 2 year relationship. I think it did affect his trust in me, but it saved my sanity and that was more important to me.

[charred]

I regret ever signing up for FB, it is how my exBPDgf found me after 26 yrs, and came back in to my life with her wrecking ball. A divorce and lost career later and I am regretting ever getting an account.

I would see a T and talk about it... not the advice I would have expected, but in my own life the destruction was so severe... and I still find myself wanting to check my exBPDgf's FB pages. She created a second FB account apparently just for me, it only has guilt inducing, me specific stuff on it, like pics of her with her new BF, and stuff about how wonderful she is doing and how terrible her exBF is. Yet all her friends are not visible on it, and it would be visible/hidden all the time depending on what was going on in our r/s. I went NC and it went away a while, is back now, and I try to see how long I can go without giving in to my curiosity.

Been following the Jodi Arias trial... as I think she is clearly BPD, and 3 different people that know my exBPDgf have gone out of their way to tell me... .  she is just like my exBPDgf... .  and I thought so as well. That realization is enough to keep me away... but the FB pages... hard to ignore. If you find a solution let me know.

[Blessed0329]

I guess part of my struggle is a pathetic sense of validation I receive each time he uses FB to send a coded message to me. He still obsesses about me just as I obsess about him. Our entire relationship was so dysfunctional, and now that we have gone NC, it is even more dysfunctional. We were never able to talk with each other openly and honestly about anything of importance. Each time I tried to, he either deflected the conversation to something else, or appeared to be genuinely wounded, like I had stabbed him with a knife, so I couldn't talk about whatever he wanted to avoid. Passive aggressive behaviors by us both were our favorite methods of communicating upsets. We never, ever, dared talk about anything directly. And FB has made it not only possible for us to continue these sick games, but provides an environment where they flourish.

One other reason why I am somewhat hesitant to cut this tie right now: His posts are becoming more frequent, and are swinging from very positive to very negative. This is a pattern I have noticed about every two months, and leads up to his doing something a bit dramatic and unexpected to regain my attention. Then, once he has swooped in and done whatever in dramatic fashion, he disappears for a few weeks, to wait for me to chase him. As I have done every single time. So, I guess I should wait for his big crescendo, his Act III, after which he will disappear for awhile. I can unfriend him then, and he won't even know for a few weeks.

[RedCandle]

Blessed, my ex did this EXACT same thing the last time we were NC.

THIS time we have been NC for 9 weeks but he deleted his FB account months ago after I blocked him.

In that last round, yes, he posted ALL the time these little secret messages to me... .  and I became obsessed with checking them.

He eventually went to far with a post and I blocked him.

You are not cutting this tie because you are wanting the attention and validation from him. I know... .  I was there.

Its good to know they still think about you... .  still emotional over you.

However... .  while you keep this gate open... .  you are allowing emotionally immature behavior to flourish between you.

Emotionally healthy adults do not subliminally communicate to one another on social media.

Once I realized this... .  once I saw that I was enabling his behavior and that I was getting an ego boost from it... .  I BLOCKED.

Think about your motives... .  ask yourself WHY you keep it open... .  then decide if that's healthy for you.

If its not... .  cut the cord.

[Blessed0329]

I took a baby step, made it so whatever he posts will no longer show up in my news feed.

Deleting will be the next step. I will get there. Thanks to all who have posted in this thread and provided your perspectives. They have been helpful.

[Blessed0329]

Ok, I did it. I deleted him from my friend list on FB. And then I cried. But now we can't drive each other crazy anymore sending stupid coded messages this way. Maybe I can finally begin to put him and the entire relationship behind me.

[bb12]

you've just got to do it

delete ALL emails, ALL pictures, ALL mementos, everything... .  and BLOCK on Facebook

social media is a massive obstacle to genuine recovery and maintaining NC.

NC should be done with the end game of moving on... .  letting go... .  not as a game. You can not be half pregnant or half over!

Unless there are children involved, everything beyond a certain point (tidying up finances, assets) must be done with complete NC.

It's a break up and your well-being will be diminished if you don't treat it as such.

Just because they don't give us closure, doesn't mean we can't close it ourselves!

bb12

[sunrising]

you've just got to do it

delete ALL emails, ALL pictures, ALL mementos, everything... .  and BLOCK on Facebook

social media is a massive obstacle to genuine recovery and maintaining NC.

NC should be done with the end game of moving on... .  letting go... .  not as a game. You can not be half pregnant or half over!

Unless there are children involved, everything beyond a certain point (tidying up finances, assets) must be done with complete NC.

It's a break up and your well-being will be diminished if you don't treat it as such.

Just because they don't give us closure, doesn't mean we can't close it ourselves!

bb12

[AllyCat7]

Ok, I did it. I deleted him from my friend list on FB. And then I cried. But now we can't drive each other crazy anymore sending stupid coded messages this way. Maybe I can finally begin to put him and the entire relationship behind me.

Good going 

[Blessed0329]

Thank you, AllyCat. I emailed my pastor last night to let him know, and he said it was a big step and a huge victory. I see my tx on Thursday and will talk it over with her then. Today was rough. I had to work, of course, but cried off and on. I now know why this was so hard for me. This had been the door we'd left open just a crack, and I closed it last night, finally telling him goodbye, in effect, something neither of us was ever willing to do. He should be relieved now that I did this so that he doesn't have to. Somehow, though, I think he will see this as a big rejection for no apparent reason.

[GreenMango]

You have a very good understanding of the pattern you guys go thru and where you are vulnerable.  Knowing this is a good thing.

It sounds like as hard as those moves toward detaching are you are making them slowly.   

[Mountaineagle]

It took about a 1 1/2 months before I managed to delete her as a friend. I had strong emotions ranging from fear to anger in that process. It took another month before I managed to block her. So it has been a process. I know about obsessing and "stalking". I now know that this was hurting me. I was somehow addicted to the adrenaline rush and the empty feeling afterwards, like I needed the pain. I am now close to 3 weeks into the true NC and I am finally starting to improve. The lows are not so low anymore. Yesterday I was again tempted to search for her so I went in here to vent it off. The urge is still there but weaker now. And I have felt better now for a period so I don't want to ruin it.

Deleting him is an awesome step! You just keep babysteping away, it will feel better, I know. 

[almost789]

Ah, the subluminal messages. I thought it was just 'us'

I struggle with cutting the last tie as well and apparently so does he.

[charred]

Seems like there are a number of us with FB issues still. I managed to go three days without checking my exBPDgf's pages. Then checked... and had mini regrets... she is talking about closing the book on someone... doesn't want to... of course I ended it, so its more denial. My pwBPD does her stuff on the public part of FB... on an account I think she made just for those messages. I haven't been friended in over 6 mos, and the last month I have had my pages set to friends only, so she isn't able to see anything, and I haven't posted anything anyway. Still I keep being drawn to check.

[AllyCat7]

Thank you, AllyCat. I emailed my pastor last night to let him know, and he said it was a big step and a huge victory. I see my tx on Thursday and will talk it over with her then. Today was rough. I had to work, of course, but cried off and on. I now know why this was so hard for me. This had been the door we'd left open just a crack, and I closed it last night, finally telling him goodbye, in effect, something neither of us was ever willing to do. He should be relieved now that I did this so that he doesn't have to. Somehow, though, I think he will see this as a big rejection for no apparent reason.

Yeah, mine took it as a big rejection also. He used to bring it up to me a lot, even though I explained why I did it. This last time, though, he was the one to do the deleting (in a fit of silent rage/pushing me away), so I don't feel so bad. And trust me, had you not done it, I don't thing he ever would have. Are you going to block him eventually or no?

[Blessed0329]

I don't know yet about the blocking. I am not posting much right now, and he has stopped posting altogether for now. I met with my tx this evening and we reviewed his last few posts before I unfriended him. She was amazed at how they seemed so clearly directed at me, although no one else would have had any idea what he was talking about. In fact, to anyone else, his posts deteriorated recently and looked bipolar, or almost psychotic, the last one really making no sense at all, just a word salad of mumbo jumbo. They swung from positive to negative in two days time.

I have been very sad and mourning the end, finally, of the relationship. I take some solace in the fact that I controlled the final ending, not him. I had allowed him to control so much else.

[Southern_Belle]

You did the right thing Blessed0329! It sucks, however, it's for the best.

Like elessar, my bf has unfriended and blocked me numerous times since August. With this recent rage, he blocked me again. Before it really hurt when I noticed what he had done. This past time... .  meh, not really. I believe my detachment is working.