Negativity

[TheDude]

Greetings, forlorn warriors!

As per a PM request, I'm starting this discussion about negativity and it's effect on the healing process. As a matter of my own personal opinion, while the anger associated with the aftermath is normal and a portion of the journey, it can also keep one stuck in suffering far longer than necessary. To that end, let's attempt to explore our own demeanors with autonomy. Rather than try to redefine some existing concepts, here's a list of terms easily Googled:

"Negativity Effect"

"Attribution Bias"

"Groupthink"

"Cognitive Dissonance"

"Cognitive Distortion"

":)ehumanization"

Now, it will be naturally very easy to read these things and say, "Wow! That's my ex!", but this discussion is about us and our perceptions. How do these things apply to you?

I'll add another concept that doesn't seem to have a specific label - 'Psychology Overload'. Minus those who have some form of career in Psychology, most of us don't normally spend an inordinate amount of time and effort scouring the minutia of disorders and dysfunction. Yet, once thrown into the confusing circumstances of an unstable relationship and/or break up, what starts as an honest quest for answers can often become a tunnel vision obsession. At some point, this can inevitably turn into an unhealthy perception that everyone is, in some way or another, too unstable to ever accomplish having a successful relationship - including (and especially) ourselves.

Understanding is sometimes more effectively achieved in smaller doses.

So, let's continue this discussion by exploring our own balances between positive and negative. Where are you at?

[jp77]

"Negativity Effect" - In the aftermath of my breakup with my BPDexgf, I think I've been attributing most of my psychological distress to my inherent nature, rather than the circumstances of the BPD relationship and breakup. This has caused me a great deal of additional distress, as I sought to figure out "what's wrong with me," as an explanation of how I fell in love with someone who was so off, and why it took me so long to figure out how bad things were. I think a fairer evaluation would be that extreme circumstances can produce extreme states of mind and behavior. However, for those of us who are accustomed to being hard on ourselves, it is often difficult for us to "give ourselves a break." But I think in situations like this, that's exactly what we need to do.

I also agree with the idea of "Psychology Overload." I've been spending way too much time reading wikipedia entries about relationship and psychological dysfunction, and worrying about my own dysfunctional traits. I think that my habit is more obsession that fair investigation, and I'm curious as to the best way to fight this obsession.

[GreenMango]

The paralysis of analysis.

I think you are making a good point here ... .  it's real easy for us to want to "split" our ex too.  Maybe it has something to do with group thinking.  It's real easy to get into the venting and lose the forest through the trees.

[TheDude]

Well, didn't this thread drop like a rock. 

* bump *

Nobody wants to feel positive?

[sunrising]

I think I may have an idea by this thread dropped like a rock.   When I read it, I immediately thought, "I've got to get the hell off this forum.  I've been spending WAY too much time on here ". 

And, for that, I thank you!... .     

[TheDude]

Yes, well, I do believe that there's something to be said for finding a balance with all of this "BPD" business. I've become very focused on shifting my thought processes. I need to rebuild my life and find peace of mind, and figuring her out does very little to accomplish those things at this point. And hey - I should be in moderate freak-out mode today... .  it's her birthday. * shrug * Merely a passing thought. 

[GreenMango]

Hi guys!

I totally agree there is that point where we need balance.  I got stuck in that paralysis of analysis the first 6months.  It was pretty awful.

When I started looking at myself and doing things for myself it got better.

There were moments like you mentioned with the birthday.

Use the boards when ya need them and live your life when you don't.  

Thank you guys for elevating the level of discussion around here beyond my BPD did this, mine did that to some more holistic places.

[TheDude]

What it comes down to - for me - is in narrowing down 'acceptance' to a lowest common denominator... .  that it's over. No amount of intensive study about her issues will change anything that's already happened and won't contribute anything positive to the life I need to focus on now. What happens from this point forward is entirely within my own control, and I don't accept any part of myself being defined by anyone else's dysfunction. 

[turtle]

What it comes down to - for me - is in narrowing down 'acceptance' to a lowest common denominator... .  that it's over. No amount of intensive study about her issues will change anything that's already happened and won't contribute anything positive to the life I need to focus on now. What happens from this point forward is entirely within my own control, and I don't accept any part of myself being defined by anyone else's dysfunction. 

ahhh... .  like water to the flowers!  NOW you can grow.

turtle

[fakename]

Right on the dude

What has helped me the most ( even though venting on the boards and learning about the disorder and how it created limitations not just for her but for me as well if I'm involved with her )

Has been pushing myself everyday. Pushing myself I work out no matter how badly I don't want to and would rather lay around and mope and be angry (I can see the results and am proud of my physique)

Or pushing myself to Learn why I act and do what I do and accept my own blame and be accountable.

Making goals for myself like not to make excuses, and just focusing on the fact that I made a decision and I have to be committed to it (never take her back)

I will soon enough be proud of myself, have my confidence an self esteem back and all that is dependent on me and my future is as well all up to me