My mom takes the victim role to extremes...

[HydesDaughter]

Hi, After years of therapy, I have been able to seperate myself from my BPD mom and establish enough boundaries to have an acceptable relationship.  In other words I've learned when to walk away or hang up the phone when Hyde arrives.  She has been through numerous dysfunctional relationships staying consistent with her role as a victim.  She meets men online and despite all the warnings immediately invites them to her house. This of course has caused problems in the past as you can probably imagine, but at least it's been on her own turf.  She's now upped the antie so to speak on putting herself in a potentially dangerous victim role.  She met some guy online and has flown to FL to stay with him for 2 weeks, a complete stranger and she's relying on him for transportation so there's not even a means of escape.  I did get upset when she told me of her plan of course making me the bad guy. She said she can tell by talking to him he's a great guy.  Now she's down there and has been texting me all morning that she's unhappy, he has mental problems and isn't treating her well and wants to know if I know anyone she can stay with.  How's that for putting herself in a victim role? It's like she gets off on it. If I try to talk to her about the fact she's endangering herself then I'm the bad guy and all her friends think she's cool because she's so daring (they think she's foolish to but are afraid to tell her to her face).  Is there a way to talk to her about this before she gets herself killed? She refuses to see a therapist.  

I can't help having it stress me out.  All my friends agree with me she's crazy but then laugh it off saying well she's a big girl.  I know she is an adult but developmentally she acts like a 5 year old. She even stamps her foot when she gets mad!

Any advice? I know there's nothing ultimately that can be done except hope for the best.

[livednlearned]

Hi there Hydesdaughter,



Having someone in your life who is BPD is hard hard hard, and I'm glad you found this site so you can connect with others who know exactly what you're going through. I think you're right that there isn't much that you can do -- she is a grown woman (who is emotionally about 5 years old, like you say). But there are things you can do for your own piece of mind, and this site has lots of members who have had to deal with similar challenges, and lots of workshops/tools to help you work through what helps. It helps so much to post and hear what others have to say.

I don't know if this would be helpful for you, but it's one of the resources for people with BPD parents: Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

Glad you found the site, and hope you find lots of good support and advice here. It literally changed my life.



LnL

[scallops]

Dear Hyde

You have made a good first step... .  that is getting support... .  this this site there are a lot of people going throughout the same thing as you... .  can I get a little more information... .  How old is you Mother and when was she dx? I can see how hard it must be for you to take on the mother role to your mother! I think this site has a ton of information that will be valuable to you... .  

Take a look at the articles here   Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship [NEW]

I think the first place to start is with getting as much information about this disorder and educating yourself... .  I came to the realization that I needed to change how I interacted with the person with BPD... .  After that I became less angry and the interactions between us improved... .  keep posting... .  you are in the right place... .  take some time to read and please take a look at the board I sent you... .  hang in there

[HydesDaughter]

scallops,

My mother is 68. She's never been officially diagnosed as she refuses to seek treatment as is typical with BPD.  My brother and I have been in therapy and been independently told by counselors that her behaviors are inline with BPD. I have also worked in social work for several years with BPD and Bi-polar disorder and through my own knowledge I believe her to be BPD. For many years I thought I was crazy, growing up believing that I could never do anything right and I was always a failure, hence why I started counseling. I couldn't figure out why I was always self sabotaging my success and felt sick to my stomach and terrible guilt when people congratulated me!

My mom has the total Jekyll Hyde personality where one day I'm a star and the next day I'm a failure who she's embarrassed to have as a daughter. If I disagree with her about anything she accuses me of screaming at her (even though I'm speaking in a normal tone) and tells me I'm abusive. She then refuses to eat, she's been anorexic since I was six I believe.  Every person she's ever been in a relationship with she claims is an abuser and has a mental disorder none of which is substantiated.  I don't know of any trauma that happened to her to cause her to be this way but from relatives reports it sounds like these behaviors go back to childhood.

It's just exhausting. I've distanced myself by moving 2500 miles away and limit phone calls to once a week max.  It just makes me sad that there's no help for her.

[Clearmind]

That is a stressful situation for you.

I spent my entire life trying to rescue my father – I never realized I was doing it until my therapist pointed it out.

As adults its important to re-define our relationships with our parents. While as a child I tried to rescue as an adult I need to let him falter.

I understand that this is a potentially dangerous situation – all we can really do is offer to call 911 or have suggest your mother does it. We really don’t know if it is potentially dangerous or not. If it were a true emergency she has the resources to call the authorities – interestingly she chooses to call you!

Borderlines are more resourceful than you may think HD!

How not to get embroiled int his situation HD: Step back and allow your mom to be accountable to her own decisions: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

This is not our role anymore to rescue.

How are you looking out for yourself?