Seeking some mindfulness tips

[jp254958]

Hi everyone.

I'm in week 6 of a mindfulness based stress reduction class and have been a pretty good daily student. I'm trying to incorporate mindfulness into every part of my life, but one thing I'm struggling with is that thoughts of my ex have been resurfacing big time--and some depression affiliated with the ending of that relationship.

I've tried to apply mindfulness to these feelings... .  accepting that they're just passing thoughts, being aware of my physical reactions to these thoughts, trying to bring my life back to the present, etc... .  but they keep surfacing. And it's painful and I appear to be hitting a dead end at least for the time being.

I'm curious how some of you handled similar predicaments or if you have any advice in general. I want to move past the pain of my uexBPDgf leaving me and it keeps coming back.

I've tried to tell myself that I accept this and that I need to move forward. I tell myself she's not coming back and will never reach out to me again and that I need to accept this too.  She left me in October in a spectacular BPD fashion with false accusations/smear campaign, deceit, emotional turmoil, etc.  I've read several books about BPD and spent a lot of time of the boards. I realize that this is a disorder and that her behavior had little to do with me (though I still have to fight the urge to ask why sometimes), and that I deserve a loving stable relationship.  But I'm curious how some of you coped with hitting a dead end, or is this basically a “it takes more time" type of deal?

I'm tired of the pain. I've been tired of it. I just want to feel happy again.

Hoping all of you are well! 

[Cumulus]

What is mindfulness based stress reduction?

[Clearmind]

jp254958, mindfulness can certainly help - have you begun to process your FOO - much of your attachment may have more to do with your past rather her. Is it possible you are foccussing on your r/s rather than healing your past?

[jp254958]

I've read inner child therapy books to try to figure out what's going on with me. I've been in therapy for years and have largely moved past issues that troubled me... .  i.e., the shame of early childhood experiences with parents, forgiving my parents for their own shortcomings, and realizing that they're just people who are fallible like anyone else.  I love them and accept them.

Beyond healing the relationship with my parents, I can't think of anything that's haunting me.  Of course, I don't like being abandoned, but who does?  I don't think it's a guiding force in my life.

This one's a mystery.

[Clearmind]

Have you read Susan Andersen’s book “A Journey from Abandonment to Healing?”

[jp254958]

I should probably add that I'm aware of my own fixit tendencies since childhood and why (part of the family dynamic) and I realize that it's not my job to fix my ex.

I'm wondering if the simplest explanation is the best here.  I still have feelings for my ex, and I still love her, it's just she could sometimes be a very dysfunctional person. Sometimes she could be amazing too.  

[jp254958]

Clearmind, I have read it.  Very helpful book. But it hasn't resolved everything.

[Grey Kitty]

My experience with mindfulness is pure mindfulness meditation, not mindfulness based stress reduction, so my take may vary a bit from your course.

I'm curious how some of you handled similar predicaments or if you have any advice in general. I want to move past the pain of my uexBPDgf leaving me and it keeps coming back.

The kind of advice/instruction that I've received would say that wanting to move past the pain won't serve you, or help you accomplish what you want.

A better approach to take is to see if you can find some genuine curiosity or interested in the pain itself. Let yourself feel it and examine it in detail. You may even find that as you become curious about it, the painful feeling will pass before you finish looking at it!

This path of mindfulness is trying to avoid getting caught up in the feeling and reacting to it. The usual sequence (before you get better at meditation) involves getting caught up and reacting. Then getting caught up in the reaction so much that you get lost in a reaction to the first reaction. (Who knows how many layers of this there are? It can go on and on!)

Here is a poem by Rumi:

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

[jp254958]

Cumulus... .  here's an explanatory link:

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness-based_stress_reduction

[Clearmind]

Are you still blaming yourself for its demise?

There is a hook there that is keeping you attached. Is it either emotional, psychical or spiritual?

The last hook for me was physical!

How do you feel about you jp? Do you believe in yourself? Do you trust yourself?

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/wise_mind1.html

[jp254958]

Thanks grey. Meditation is part of my daily life.

Respective to examining the pain--I've tried that. Examining the deepest parts of what I'm feeling in the present but trying to be mindful that the past is past, and that I should be living in the present. It's a bit of a contradiction... .  live in the present, but we experience pain from the past, but it's in our present mind, etc.  

Just want to feel great again!

[Grey Kitty]

Respective to examining the pain--I've tried that. Examining the deepest parts of what I'm feeling in the present but trying to be mindful that the past is past, and that I should be living in the present. It's a bit of a contradiction... .  live in the present, but we experience pain from the past, but it's in our present mind, etc.  

I take the gentle approach with myself--If something keeps coming up for me (like your pain), I figure my mind is bringing it up for an important reason and I should listen to what my mind is telling me.

The trick here is that you can choose to either focus on the pain or let your mind go back to something else. There isn't one "best" approach to use every time.

• You may need to go in deeper and really feel and understand the pain, so moving away from the pain won't help.



• You could be getting lost in obsessing on the past, in which case, moving away would allow you to free yourself.

My advice is that if you have been trying one of those... .  without getting what you wanted, give the other path a chance, and see if it feels like it is working better for you. The wonderful thing about mindfulness is that there is no such thing as a "wrong" way!

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmmm... .  here is another feeling you've mentioned a couple times. Can you look at this one?

I'm tired of the pain. I've been tired of it. I just want to feel happy again.

Just want to feel great again!

These feelings do come on their own schedule... .  not yours.

But there may be actions you can take that make you more likely to feel happy. (I bet you've been around here long enough for somebody to suggest that you take care of  yourself before.)

Here's wishing you more happiness, and especially more peace! 

[jp254958]

Clear, I trust I'm on the path to recovering from this.

I've taken steps that show I know I'm worth it:  1) continuing therapy; 2) meditation / mindfulness courses; 3) reading books about BPD, overcoming breakups, mindfulness, and various therapies / honestly examining myself and my past; 4) returning to a life of exercise; 5) planning fun things outdoors / trips; 6) spending time with friends; 7) talking it out with family members; 8) continuing charity work, 9) etc.

I know I'm worth it.  But you're right... .  something still has me hooked.  Frankly, the breakup was so traumatic for me that I think I have some form of PTSD. Real acceptance of what happened is hard because it ended up with 100% false allegations of abuse and a smear campaign that got me banned from a dog rescue where I volunteered and she works.  I volunteered there for 5 years and it's been hard to accept that my reputation has been tarnished because of behavior that I was never responsible for. Getting over that has been so very difficult for me because it has really jaded my view of the world, and I want to believe that there is a world with some kind of fairness / justice. I am not hoping bad things for my ex - I look at her with love and compassion based on the reality that her brain doesn't function in a healthy way - but I hate the reality that I had good intentions and love her dearly and yet I was treated so very horribly.  I've since learned that false accusations of abuse are fairly common in relationships with BPD partners, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Also, another hook I had is that I really had high hopes for us.  For my own deluded reasons, I thought we were really going to end up together.  If you asked me a year ago, I was never more sure about anything in my life, so now I am faced with the reality that I can't always trust my judgment. Honestly, I was 100% sure about spending a life with my ex.  That's been hard to accept and I'm confused about why I was so very wrong in my assessment.

And I guess I'm a little tired of being alone.  Before my last relationship, I was single for several years hoping I find a great partner.  I want to share my time with someone instead of coming home to an empty house.  Make any sense?  I know that happiness resides within me, but sometimes something is missing in my life.

[Clearmind]

jp, I can honestly say I was where you are at 6 months out of my r/s too. You are doing all that is possible to look after yourself and for that I am impressed. Maybe it’s a matter of your mind catching up to the heart. Break ups like these are so traumatic and there is no cookie cutter formula on how to move through it  or where you should be at the 6 month mark - you are doing all you can right now.

Despite all we did for our ex's - way beyond the call of duty I may add - we were discarded. It hurts. I felt used - I thought my life was in order until my ex came along and threw it on its head. A lifetime of patterning takes time to move through. Be kind to you... .  trust you are where you are meant to be right now.

Our inner critics can really play havoc on us at this stage of our healing - I need to remind myself how shameful I felt - my inner critic was the one that needed a reality check. Mindfulness helps with the inner critic - and so does thought monitoring. Pause and really check in to where you feel the pain.

As you check in you and find it - see which , listed here: twisted thinking is causing that thought process:

AUTHOR: Dr. Burns graduated magna cum laude from Amherst College, received his M.D. from Stanford University School of Medicine and completed his psychiatry residency at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. He has served as Acting Chief of Psychiatry at the Presbyterian / University of Pennsylvania Medical Center (1988) and Visiting Scholar at the Harvard Medical School (1998) and is certified by the National Board of Psychiatry and Neurology

Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

Companion article to bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0

From "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D. © 1989

Now that you've identified your twisted thinking, use the suggestions to untwist those thoughts.

1. Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.



5. Thinking In Shades Of Grey: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself 'inferior' or 'a fool' or 'a loser,' ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as 'a fool' or 'a loser.'

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up", or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."

I was disappointed and jaded about life and universe for a good 12 months - I had a hard time piecing it all together - I felt like I had the "knowledge" however there were a few cards still in the air - having the knowledge is 90% of the battle - the other 10% is living it. This is what can take time to process.

It’s interesting how we berate ourselves for how far we have actually come in our healing - celebrate the hard work done JP - untwist that thinking.

And I guess I'm a little tired of being alone.  Before my last relationship, I was single for several years hoping I find a great partner.  I want to share my time with someone instead of coming home to an empty house.  Make any sense?  I know that happiness resides within me, but sometimes something is missing in my life.

Yes I get it! To be honest – a little something will always be missed JP – this is just life.

Fortunately this period of time we have provided ourselves to heal has established a whole new life pattern for us – celebrate that you can be OK with being alone – when the right person comes along you will know it.

Interestingly, our healing has opened up our dating circle – I am now attracted, interested in getting know a varied range of men rather than just the ones that jump on me on first meeting. Its lovely getting to know someone without the razzle and dazzle of BPD.

[LetItBe]

Hi, jp.

I have experienced what you wrote about here, and mindfulness meditation is a part of my daily life as well.  In fact, my breakup led me to seek out mindfulness meditation classes.  As my practice deepened, I became more aware of unhealed parts of myself from the r/s... .  things I thought I had let go were surfacing.  It was HARD.  That led me to picking up a copy of Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance.  I found it so helpful for addressing some of the tough stuff.  I highly, highly recommend it.  She also has probably hundreds of podcasts and YouTube videos.

FYI -- there is a free, 12-week, online video course starting tonight called "The Self-Acceptance Project."  You can read more about it here:  www.live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/?utm_source=soundstrue&utm_medium=CBT-email&utm_campaign=selfacceptance-130221&_bta_tid=3.RM0.AlFnSA.AsBc.Fm92... XGiF.b... l.ATe6.a.UScQaA.UScnQA.iYyEMw&_bta_c=9ilgs1zuhdqopc7f52foyxk9gbiyy

Good luck.  I know it's hard, and it can take a long time to heal after a breakup like that.  It's not uncommon to feel like you do.  These boards are full of similar stories.  Thank goodness for the support here and knowing we're not alone.