Mother with BPD

[SanFrancisco44]

Hi everyone. I'm new here and frankly have never posted on a listserve before. I am pretty sure my mother has BPD. I had a horrendously abusive (physically and emotionally) childhood. I am 33 now and my mother continues to treat me like garbage whenever I see her. I live 400 miles away but frequently visit because I have this unresolved hope that someday she will change and be the mother that I have always dreamed of. I've been in therapy on and off for the last 6-7 years and my therapist has diagnosed my mother with BPD having not ever met her. Just recently, I decided to stop all contact with my mother because of her continued abusive behavior (towards me and herself -- she is anorexic, OCD and lives in a home with no furniture). I have blocked her from calling my phone and feel tremendous guilt for taking this step. I would like to know if cutting ties for 6 months or so with a parent with BPD has helped others save their relationship? Or am I just wrong for thinking she will ever change? I think the reason for my confusion/continued denial is because there are times, although brief, where she can be very supportive and great. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she can be so mentally ill if she is able to be so great at certain times? Do any others with a BPD parent have the same experience? If so, how do you reconcile the differences in behavior? And do you continue to have a relationship with a parent who is damaging more times than not?

[Cheshire]

Welcome SanFranci!

My mother is a undiagnosed BPD. She too, has brief periods of nearly normal behavior that seems to cycle unpredictably. Your step of no contact is a healthy one, so be confident in your resolve. No matter how often or seldom your mom seems normal, until she seeks help and comes to accept her condition as real, it won't stick. Getting her to that point isn't your responsibility, though, and only she can take that huge step. I went no contact over a year ago, and have come to the reluctant conclusion that it may have to be permanent. She may come to get help one day, but I know that no words or deeds from me will change her into the mother I never had, and even her pain in missing me won't motivate it either. I hope your situation works for the better, but steel yourself for the possibility that it never may.

Good luck on your journey.

Cheshire

[XL]

Oh man. The anorexia on top of everything might be a bigger problem. They actually have an excuse for weird behavior, as the brain loses so much fat it stops functioning correctly. That is a pretty nasty disorder that requires a serious commitment to repeat inpatient care.

"Or am I just wrong for thinking she will ever change?"

She CAN change, but it would require lots of therapy with a licensed professional. But mental illness does not give people an excuse to belittle or hurt others. You are right to protect your own mental space, but don't expect that alone to inspire some grand changes in her behavior.

[SanFrancisco44]

Thanks for all your replies It really helps to know that there is a forum for support and advice like this. I am working with a great therapist who is supportive of my decision and thinks, given my history, that it's the right choice for me right now (I'm pregnant with my first child and all this drama is just too much to handle). My hope is that the consequence of cutting ties with her will make her realize that there are real consequences for her actions.

Unfortunately, I've tried to get her psychological help but every time I even attempt to go down that route, she throws something nasty in my face saying that I am selfish and/or the worst the daughter and I am the one with emotional problems :-/ She sincerely thinks that everyone around her has problems and she is just misunderstood. She saw a therapist a few years ago and told me that her therapist said she is the "strongest, most amazing patient she has ever worked with." I suspect she was not honest with that mental health professional.

SanFran