My Strength

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My uBPDH filed and he is still living in the house. He is completely scary and controlling.  I can't breathe or move comfortably right now. I cannot even look at him. He's taken our children places without telling where they are going. He's disregarded their schedules out of spite to get back at me. He's talking to them in a strange voice acting like he's now all of a sudden a concerned father. He never talked to them like this ever.  He took my wedding rings. He is walking around with a tape recorder.  He was told to stay in the house by his attorney, who doesn't even specialize in divorce.

He's threatened to fight me on custody- he threatened that he has an 'in.'  He works long hours and wouldn't even be around to care for them. He took our children's bonds and missplaced them and tried blaming me.  Having a simple conversation with this man is just impossible. Being in a marriage with this man is pure chaos. 

He's threatened suicide. He's stonewalled all of us for weeks, months. He has had minimal to little interaction with me and the kids for a very long time. He left me for three nights last summer.  He told me he and the kids would be better off without me, and our D heard him. He wrote me a goodbye letter once and told me to just take care of me and the kids.  He's threatened divorce since we got married.  He's told me to pack up my stuff and leave.  Years and years of pain and damage. He still thinks it's all justified and has zero empathy or a care.   

He told me he wants me to hurt. He repeated it over and over. Sick.  After years of abuse and neglect, he takes no responsibility and continues to talk bad and blame me.  Nobody sees it except me.  I've lived it and am looking forward to no longer living with the pain from this horrible man's disorder 24/7.

I have one more consult to attend and my decision will be made.  In the meantime, I'm searching for strength.   I need to be away from him so I can feel safe and live a much healthier life.  Please, please tell me things will get better... .  

[Mind]

My uBPDH filed and he is still living in the house. He is completely scary and controlling.  I can't breathe or move comfortably right now. I cannot even look at him. He's taken our children places without telling where they are going. He's disregarded their schedules out of spite to get back at me. He's talking to them in a strange voice acting like he's now all of a sudden a concerned father. He never talked to them like this ever.  He took my wedding rings. He is walking around with a tape recorder.  He was told to stay in the house by his attorney, who doesn't even specialize in divorce.

He's threatened to fight me on custody- he threatened that he has an 'in.'  He works long hours and wouldn't even be around to care for them. He took our children's bonds and missplaced them and tried blaming me.  Having a simple conversation with this man is just impossible. Being in a marriage with this man is pure chaos. 

He's threatened suicide. He's stonewalled all of us for weeks, months. He has had minimal to little interaction with me and the kids for a very long time. He left me for three nights last summer.  He told me he and the kids would be better off without me, and our D heard him. He wrote me a goodbye letter once and told me to just take care of me and the kids.  He's threatened divorce since we got married.  He's told me to pack up my stuff and leave.  Years and years of pain and damage. He still thinks it's all justified and has zero empathy or a care.   

He told me he wants me to hurt. He repeated it over and over. Sick.  After years of abuse and neglect, he takes no responsibility and continues to talk bad and blame me.  Nobody sees it except me.  I've lived it and am looking forward to no longer living with the pain from this horrible man's disorder 24/7.

I have one more consult to attend and my decision will be made.  In the meantime, I'm searching for strength.   I need to be away from him so I can feel safe and live a much healthier life.  Please, please tell me things will get better... .  

[Matt]

Things will get better, if you make them better.

If you decide to work on the marriage, there are tools that will help.  You can learn about them, and get help putting them to work, on our "Staying" board.  By "tools", I mean ways to think and communicate, that help when you are with someone who has BPD (or something similar).

If you decide to end the marriage, you can work through that here on "Leaving" - the emotional aspects especially.  And at the same time, you can discuss the legal and custody aspects on the "Family Law" board.  I think a key, if you take that path, will be filing a motion for temporary orders, to get the court to establish parenting time for both parents, and living arrangements you can live with, so some of the stress will be reduced.

How old are the kids?

And what is your process for getting to a decision about the marriage?

[Mind]

I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I wasn't sure where to post.  The marriage is over.  He filed.  I'm in the process of securing an attorney. Knowing it's over does give me a bit of a relief. It's just dealing with the now that seems very difficult at times.

I truly feel I've exhausted every tool, counseling session, method on improving, methods on how to deal with him, talking to him, giving him chances, letting things go, covering up for him, putting everyone else ahead of me, etc.  I have given it my all and I know I cannot fix him. As boundaries were set and he began counseling himself, things really got rapidly worse with the way he treated all of us.

[blecker]

Knowing it's over does give me a bit of a relief. It's just dealing with the now that seems very difficult at times.

I have always been amazed at the handicap indecision can be in our lives.

The hell I put myself through in simply not deciding.

Even if a decision proved wrong, it meant action in my life and generally that action put me in a different place.

And sometimes a different place was really all I needed.

Good for you Sparkle. Wrap your arms aound those kids and move to a different place.

[Matt]

So if you are accepting that the marriage will end, maybe one way to use this community is to talk about the emotional aspects of the end of the marriage here on "Leaving", and the legal/custody/practical matters on "Family Law".

I think that may help you to clear things up and get good ideas on both of those aspects.