He gave me fair warning -Now completely dysregulated

[coworkerfriend]

My pwBPD came in this morning and told me that his head is in a bad place.  He is overwhelmed with anxiety.

I am so thankful for the warning.  I am giving him space and I am keeping busy.  

BPD is so hard to understand.  We had a very relaxed and intimate weekend.  We talked, watched tv and had a nice time doing nothing.

When we left each other last night, things were fine.

He woke up this morning full of anxiety - triggers bothering him tremendously.

He said a few negative things about me - I did not respond, just turned and walked away.  As I was walking, he said "I still love you".  

I am so thankful for this place to vent, learn and lean on everyone.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vegasskydiver]

I have heard that statement so many times, especially after a perfect loving weekend.  That is the part about BPD that puzzles me so very much.  You give your partner love, secuity and show them how much that you love them, but then they must create drama.  it's like they cannot accept nomal in a relationship.  There has to be a storm.

[briefcase]

So, Coworkerfriend, I know you have been working on detachment.  Do you think that work made it easier to just walk away when he went negative on you right off the bat?  And do you think his reaction is a product of some healty detachment? 

[coworkerfriend]

Briefcase - I am totally working on detachment and not picking up his emotional state.  Work has been busy and over the course of the last month or so, I realize that I need to keep focused as much as I can on it. 

I can see it in his eyes when his head is in a bad place.  I used to try to "fix" it - overcompensated and invalidated him.

This morning, when he told me, I first felt a little sting since we were so close all weekend.  Then I took a breath and walked away.

We had lunch together and made small talk.  I can not let his moods modify how I am feeling.  I woke up feeling confident and secure.  I can't let his head take over mine.

Vegas - I think you are absolutely right - anything "normal"  feels off to him.  He has a hard time processing things sometimes after we have been close.

Between detachment, validation and radical acceptance, I am working on being a stronger person in this relationship.

[briefcase]

Briefcase - I am totally working on detachment and not picking up his emotional state.  Work has been busy and over the course of the last month or so, I realize that I need to keep focused as much as I can on it. 

I can see it in his eyes when his head is in a bad place.  I used to try to "fix" it - overcompensated and invalidated him.

This morning, when he told me, I first felt a little sting since we were so close all weekend.  Then I took a breath and walked away.

We had lunch together and made small talk.  I can not let his moods modify how I am feeling.  I woke up feeling confident and secure.  I can't let his head take over mine.

Vegas - I think you are absolutely right - anything "normal"  feels off to him.  He has a hard time processing things sometimes after we have been close.

Between detachment, validation and radical acceptance, I am working on being a stronger person in this relationship.

This great to hear!   .

[waverider]

This is acceptance at work. You are accepting it as just is. You are not letting it overly influence your life. You are letting him have time for his 'stuff', not crowding him for answers and thereby triggering his defenses, which often results in projecting it onto you.

This is easier for both of you.

As he learns that you will let him be, then he is more likely just to state his mood upfront

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks for the support.  Last night was confusing.  I was giving him the space he wanted and asked for during the day.  By the end of the day, he was upset that I wasn't spending time with him.  He doesn't like always having to initiate closeness.  I apologized but explained that I think it is important that we have space from each other when we need it.

I feel like we are making progress in the way we communicate.  I find it can be so confusing and overwhelming at times.  My personality is such that I always overthink everything.  It is hard for me to let some of that go and just accept.  For years I have said "it is what it is" but until the last few months, it never sank in.  I thought I could help or fix or control things that I don't have any control over at all.

My pwBPD is struggling too.  He has been in therapy for years and did not implement many of the things he has been working on.  It is hard for him to accept that things can be "good" and I think he often has sabotaged relationships before anyone could disappoint him.  Not just romantic relationships but work relationships as well.  There are so many situations that have triggered them in the past and he seems like he is gaining an awareness of those triggers. 


BPD is such a confusing disorder. 

[briefcase]

BPD is such a confusing disorder. 

No doubt.     We could literally spend our entire lives trying to figure it out and never really understand.  We tend to think in "cause and effect" terms, with ourselves as the primary "cause" of whatever is going on - a thought process our partners usually encourage by the way.  Once we are able to detach a bit we can seperate some of their "stuff" from our "stuff" and it all feels much less personal.

Just one word of caution, he will see the dynamic changing.  And sometimes when that happens it can be very triggering.  Your bf seems to understand, based on some of the things he's said to you, that some emotional detachment is a good thing in the relationship.  But, often our partners don't appreciate the changes we make, at least not right away.   

[coworkerfriend]

You are absolutely right.  I get SO TIRED of it all.

I feel like I have been worn out and overwhelmed by this for so long.  Thanks for the support

[coworkerfriend]

He is having a problem with a customer and is ending everything with me.

I have lost count on how many times I have heard this. He feels out of control and it is all my fault.

Every lesson/tool seems to leave me the minute he starts raging. 

I am SO TIRED.

[coworkerfriend]

Within 30 minutes the entire tone of the day is upside down.  He is raging, dysregulating and furious with me and the world.  I have been in the bathroom for the past 15 minutes.  I cannot let this spiral me out of control.

I am so mad at myself.  I am never prepared for how quickly he turns.  His words feel like a slap in the face. His rage is so intense.  He is beyond upset.  I know I can't fix this.  I have to wait it out. 

I can't believe how much of his anger I pick up.  How I let his moods affect me so deeply.

I have a customer coming in to meet with me.  All I want to do is leave.

[coworkerfriend]

He keeps coming into my office to let me know that he is leaving and we are splitting up. He is telling me how horribly unhappy he is with his life. Just last night, he was telling me how happy I make him.  I can't stop thinking about how fast this turns.  I have been listening to him and not saying much of anything.

I do understand how upset he is.  I do understand how real all this feels to him.  He is mad and he wants me to know it.  He is mad and wants to take it out on me. 

He keeps saying things that he knows will push my buttons - hurtful things.  He is calling me a liar and that I ruined his trust.

All of this because of an issue with a customer.  All because he is upet with work. He has said this same thing to me so many times. 

I will not JADE.  I so badly don't want to let this bother me but it does bother me.

[waverider]

He keeps coming into my office to let me know that he is leaving and we are splitting up. He is telling me how horribly unhappy he is with his life. Just last night, he was telling me how happy I make him.  I can't stop thinking about how fast this turns.  I have been listening to him and not saying much of anything.

I do understand how upset he is.  I do understand how real all this feels to him.  He is mad and he wants me to know it.  He is mad and wants to take it out on me. 

He keeps saying things that he knows will push my buttons - hurtful things.  He is calling me a liar and that I ruined his trust.

All of this because of an issue with a customer.  All because he is upet with work. He has said this same thing to me so many times. 

I will not JADE.  I so badly don't want to let this bother me but it does bother me.

You need physically space when it gets to this point.

Tools dont work in full blown dysregulation, they are for before and after.

Being there to hear the rage is feeding his need to project.

It is undermining your own sense of control, and increasing your sense of being trapped, and feeding resentment

If there are consequences of you not being there they are not your responsibilities to own.

What can you do to change the dynamics of the moment?

[coworkerfriend]

I feel trapped when he gets like this.  I am at work - trying to do my job.  We have 15 employees - who are trying to do their job.  I don't how to leave during the work day when he gets like this.  I think it would cause quite a distraction to the employees and I have to get work done.  It is so hard to focus on work on days like today.

Part of what is so hard for me get my head around is that I asked him for help.  I asked him to work on part of a project that I did not understand.  For weeks he agreed to help me and now that the customer needs the product, we are under pressure to complete it.  His dysregulation moves into a million different directions - things that he has been mad about for years.  He twists and turns every conversation into how he has been slighted/wronged/disrespected.

It COMPLETELY undermining my sense of control because don't have any control on days like today. I stopped JADEing which is what I used to do on days like today.  I stopped invalidating him.  I usually try to keep my distance and distracted by work.  It is so hard.

In the past 4 years we have been together, he has left more times than I can remember.  It has happened the night before my birthday, before every holiday, when we work on a big project for a customer, the list seems endless.

As he was leaving for the night, he said he hoped he would be better tomorrow. He told me not to worry - he can't do this anymore - and that he is leaving. 

Days like today break my heart.

[waverider]

Have you ever left him?

Or does he feel like he can leave you and pick up again whenever he feels like it?

Taking you for granted and knowing you will always be there?

Once dysregulated it is common to go off on a million different tangents at once, but are there patterns to the triggers? Too many deadlines/expectations/feelings about not meeting requirements for example. What sets him off?

[coworkerfriend]

I have never left him during his dysregulation.  I have never threatened to leave him. Now I refuse to talk to him - I guess I give him the silent treatment.  I don't try to talk to him but I do not ignore him either.  It is obvious that he totally feels like he can leave me at any given moment.  It is kind of like I get paralyzed and can't leave.  I am scared to leave him.  I know this is something I need to face.  I am just so tired. 

When he moves past this, he always apologizes and tells me how much he appreciates me.  He appreciates that I let him work through what he needs to work through.  He tells me that he appreciates that I give him space.

Work deadlines are a major stressor and that makes him feel out of control.  His exwife is a major trigger too.  He feels bad about himself quickly and the littlest "slight" can trigger him. Somtimes I think when things seem good, he is triggered.  Like he has to ruin it or leave before something bad happends.

[waverider]

I have never left him during his dysregulation.  I have never threatened to leave him. Now I refuse to talk to him - I guess I give him the silent treatment.  I don't try to talk to him but I do not ignore him either.  It is obvious that he totally feels like he can leave me at any given moment.  It is kind of like I get paralyzed and can't leave.  I am scared to leave him.  I know this is something I need to face.  I am just so tired.  

Quoting the often used phrase "Nothing changes without change". What can you do to alter the dynamics here? Because this one is not working.

When he moves past this, he always apologizes and tells me how much he appreciates me.  He appreciates that I let him work through what he needs to work through.  He tells me that he appreciates that I give him space.

Words are easy. What could he do to show he has learned from this, and what could he do proactively, given he knows it is a problem. Perhaps he could give you space before he "looses" it. With my partner she has told be to use a certain "safe phrase" when I sense things are going astray, a heads up if you like, before she notices it. As it is a prearranged thing it is less likely to be less triggering than if you say something on the spur of the moment, which would be probably too late anyway. No guarantees but it does improve success rate. Trying to "wing it" once things are already out of hand never works

Work deadlines are a major stressor and that makes him feel out of control.  His exwife is a major trigger too.  He feels bad about himself quickly and the littlest "slight" can trigger him. Somtimes I think when things seem good, he is triggered.  Like he has to ruin it or leave before something bad happends.

Pretty normal, but at least these are visible warning signs you can see coming. Fear of loosing it can also sometimes bring it on. If you can work on the first issues you may lesson the "priming of emotions" that occurs as a result

[briefcase]

Make sure he doesn't use you as an emotional punching bag.  We've moved into the territory of boundaries here.  :)etachment allows us to get a little distance from their daily ups and downs and not take things as personally.  Its about keeping our own perspective and reality.  Boundaries define and protect us.  You have posted many, many times how much you dislike when he does this.

Spend some time thinking about how you might react differently the next time this happens.  What are your limits - boundaries - around this?  Think about how you will take a time out and remove yourself from a situation that feels abusive, and probably embarassing if there are employees around.  

How about something like this to get you started: "I can tell you are upset right now, and I'm starting to get upset too.  I'm going to exuse myself for half an hour and go grab lunch/coffee/call on client/whatever.  We'll talk more about this later, when things are more calm. "  Then get up and leave.

Do you think you can do something like that?

[coworkerfriend]

He is in a state of HORRIBLE, MASSIVE dysregulation.  He is mentally GONE right now.

It happened so fast.  My head is spinning.  I have to get control of myself.  He saw his therapist last Friday - the weekend to Monday was fine. 

He is abusive and horrible.  I am his emotional punching bag.  I have to do something different.  I am at a complete loss right now.

I tried the "I can tell you are upset and I am upset to" - NOT A GOOD THING. He freaked out and is quitting right this minute.

[coworkerfriend]

Oh my gosh - I am stunned.  He is in a state of HORRIBLE, MASSIVE dysregulation.  He is mentally GONE right now.

It happened so fast.  My head is spinning.  I have to get control of myself.  He saw his therapist last Friday - the weekend to Monday was fine.  

He is abusive and horrible.  I am his emotional punching bag.  I have to do something different.  I am at a complete loss right now.

I tried the "I can tell you are upset and I am upset to" - NOT A GOOD THING. He freaked out and is quitting right this minute.  He hates this place and everyone in it.  He can not work - he is out of control.

I got up - closed my door and put my head down.  

He made a phone call and left the building.  I have to hope it is a good thing he removed himself.

I don't know where to turn.  I am alone.  I am trying to smile and act like everything is fine. I have tied my entire life and my future plans to this man.  I should be thankful that he left.  I just feel scared.  I feel scared that he is gone and I am scared of him coming back.

[TigerEye]

Hey Co

Just read your message and wanted to say that we on this site are here for you, it's sounds like you need some friends right now.

Do you feel safe? Anxious is one thing, but safety comes first.

It feels desperate at times like this, been there in different circumstances myself. Out of the blue and from way out on the blindside it hits and your world turns upside down.

Keep posting, we're here 

Tigereye

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks - I do feel a sense of desperation and tremendous anxiety.

I get really mad at myself for feeling so blindsided.  Should I know better by now?

He just came back.  I am keeping my door shut.

[wanttoknowmore]

Coworkerfriend,

Yes. safety comes first. How do you assess the risk of violence?

(1)Does he have history of violence?

(2)Has he lost control in the past and what did he do?

(3)What worked? Your being calm and silent or leaving the place?

(4)Does he have knives/guns etc. (means)

(5)Are you able to respond quickly like calling 911 or/and escaping quickly.

(6) Is his body language threatening?

(7)If he is just dissociating or he has paranoid thinking?

Take into consideration all these factors and take necessary action calmly.

[coworkerfriend]

No history of physical violence.  His brother was murdered and he hates guns/knives/etc.

I always try to stay calm.  I am afraid of leaving.  I need to walk out.  I know I do.

His rages are loud yelling and saying horrible things.  He slams doors and gets in your face yelling.

I just try to stay calm.  It is nearly impossible at times.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds like things are just to crazy for you right now.

The question of how you could handle things differently came up a bit earlier in the thread. I think that boundaries are what you need to work on right now.

One boundary that I have is that I will not accept being raged at and having my buttons pushed. I leave those situations.

During the workday, this would be a challenge, but here is what I would try in your shoes. (It sounds like today is past this point already, but this might help you next time.)

He keeps coming into my office to let me know that he is leaving and we are splitting up. He is telling me how horribly unhappy he is with his life. Just last night, he was telling me how happy I make him.  I can't stop thinking about how fast this turns.  I have been listening to him and not saying much of anything.

I do understand how upset he is.  I do understand how real all this feels to him.  He is mad and he wants me to know it.  He is mad and wants to take it out on me. 

He keeps saying things that he knows will push my buttons - hurtful things.  He is calling me a liar and that I ruined his trust.

All of this because of an issue with a customer.  All because he is upet with work. He has said this same thing to me so many times. 

I will not JADE.  I so badly don't want to let this bother me but it does bother me.

Good for you not JADE'ing! Actually it should bother you. As you said, he is trying to take his anger out on you.

If this happened, I would say "I can't handle listening to this anymore. If you cannot keep our conversations work related I will leave."

(Note the "I" statements. They are much harder to argue with than "You" statements. He can't really believe himself if he argues "Yes you can handle me continuing to dump toxic vile crap on you."

Then if he continues I would grab my coat and walk out of the office and go away. If I only felt the need to take an hour or two off, I might say I was taking an early or late lunch and would be back at (whatever):O'clock. (Stating explicitly how long you are leaving and then honoring it is helpful, especially for people with fears of abandonment)

But I wouldn't say that if I didn't believe I would be ready to come back. And if I did come back, I wouldn't hesitate to leave again if the abuse resumed.

[TigerEye]

Can you tell us more about your fears of walking away?

[briefcase]

I tried the "I can tell you are upset and I am upset to" - NOT A GOOD THING. He freaked out and is quitting right this minute.

When he's like this . . . he doesn't know, or care what's "good."  He feels PAIN!

You have to be confident that what you are doing is good (and it is, for you and him).  My wife used to threaten divorce in these situations.  It was a huge trigger for me, and so I sat there and took abuse for years . . . paralyzed by my own fears of what she might do.  Believe me, I understand what you are going through.  Many of us here do. 

You can change this.  I know. I did.

Here is a simple truth:  If you want to be in this relationship with him, and not get crushed, you have to be a mature emotional leader.   

You know what needs to be done.  He won't like it.  Do it anyway. 

Hey, no one said this stuff was easy.   

[coworkerfriend]

Briefcase - you are absolutely right - he is in pain.  I can see it in his eyes.  Every threat of his leaving triggers me into a panic and I take his abuse.  I take in the pain.  It doesn't make him feel better and it breaks me.  It makes me less of who I am.

Tigereye - I am afraid that I am not strong/smart enough to run the business on my own.  I am afraid of his leaving me.  I am embarassed that I let myself get so deeply entangled with someone who has so many problems.

I have to change this.  As many times as I accept that I have to be the emotional leader, I still accept his abuse.  I don't do anything different.

Last night, I was very calm and direct the final time he came into my office. He wanted me to take over all the workload and I said that wasn't possible.   I told him that I love him, I know he is unhappy, I know that he is mad and that I can not fix/control the world to make things work they way he wants them.  He told me that I don't love him, if I did, I wouldn't let him get to this breaking point.  I got up, put my coat on and left.

Today is a new day.  I wish I felt strong and confident.  I feel broken, tired and overwhelmed.  I am overthinking and questioning everything in my head.

[coworkerfriend]

He is still in full blown dysregulation.  He lashed out at me - he threaten suicide - and now he has completely twisted yesterday's events into how I completely let him down.  He asked for one thing - all I had to do was say that I would take care of it - and I disappointed him.  I let him down.  I am not who he thought I was.

I validated and acknowledged his pain. I can see how much pain he is in.  He is taking all the old hurt and bringing them up.   I told him that I am here for him and then  I walked away. I am trying to gather my courage up to leave the building for a while.  I think I need to leave for a while. 

There is so much work to do.  I don't know how I can focus and actually get things done.

[briefcase]

Good job.  It really is hard to do these things, but you have started to make some changes.  He's pushing back, and will probably continue to test your new resolve for a while.