Hurt Like This?

[ScotisGone74]

Once you come to the realization that your ex BPD SO was a fake, it was for the most part all make believe, you know that no long term relationship with this person would ever be possible, do you ever just actually ache on the inside?  It seems like this is when you actually come to grips that every ounce of love, kindness, companionship, help you gave this person you once thought to be your best friend was flushed down the toilet.  The ache is almost like a stain on your soul, is about the only way I can describe it.  Any short term fixes to help cope, like antidepressants or alcohol, are like putting bandaids over a mortar wound. 

[Themis]

Once you come to the realization that your ex BPD SO was a fake, it was for the most part all make believe, you know that no long term relationship with this person would ever be possible, do you ever just actually ache on the inside?  It seems like this is when you actually come to grips that every ounce of love, kindness, companionship, help you gave this person you once thought to be your best friend was flushed down the toilet.  The ache is almost like a stain on your soul, is about the only way I can describe it.  Any short term fixes to help cope, like antidepressants or alcohol, are like putting bandaids over a mortar wound. 

Wow Scott, I went looking through your posts to see if there were things we had in common.

This is really heart-wrenching, and I can understand the feeling of losing a best friend, and wondering what part of them was real and what wasn't.

If his exes didn't seem like such crazy people themselves, I have been quite curious about this, and kinda wish i could ask them.

I'd love to ask them, and get a clear picture of who he is, and put my mind at ease. I'd just like to know.

[Discarded26]

Once you come to the realization that your ex BPD SO was a fake, it was for the most part all make believe, you know that no long term relationship with this person would ever be possible, do you ever just actually ache on the inside?  It seems like this is when you actually come to grips that every ounce of love, kindness, companionship, help you gave this person you once thought to be your best friend was flushed down the toilet.  The ache is almost like a stain on your soul, is about the only way I can describe it.  Any short term fixes to help cope, like antidepressants or alcohol, are like putting bandaids over a mortar wound. 

Yep and there next 'victim' there probably settle down with them etc (to the real them appears)

[forgottenarm]

Hey Scot,

I know what you mean about being betrayed, but I don't know how fake it was.  I tend to think my ex loved me as much as he could and meant what he said when he said it, but he just had so many insecurities and demons that he couldn't follow through.  Sad all around.

As far as the pain, though, I totally agree.  In fact, I read somewhere that the pain of detachment---either from a break-up or a death---can be felt physically.  Researchers measured this.  In fact, they found that taking Tylenol actually helps!  So yeah, that pain is real.  It hurts.  That's why it's so important to take good care of yourself right now.

[mango_flower]

I know what you mean about being betrayed, but I don't know how fake it was.  I tend to think my ex loved me as much as he could and meant what he said when he said it, but he just had so many insecurities and demons that he couldn't follow through.  Sad all around.

I agree with Forgottenarm.  I feel that my ex had many facets to her personality, and I got to see one, which was partly mirrored but also partly her.  The fact that I got the "good" side of her, loving, kind, compassionate, makes me happy.  I never saw her dark side until the end.

It does hurt. It hurts so much. You feel like it was all a lie. But it wasn't a "lie" as such, just that they hid certain other parts of them.  What you saw was real. It wasn't fake. They just only showed the best parts.  So yes, it does feel like you were conned and swindled.  And that's completely justifiable. 

I know that ache well. It's like, I know it could never work now.  And it hurts so much, yes, it actually aches in my soul. 

What hurts the most is thinking back to the start of our relationship when I was in love for the first time in my life, and thinking of how I felt then, the hopes, the dreams, the "wow, I have found my perfect!" and that complete happiness and faith and peace inside... .  only to have it all taken away. It's soul destroying, as SHE wasn't an illusion in my eyes, but our dreams and hopes were an illusion.

I read a quote once "I dreamed we would be reality - but in reality, we were just a dream... .  "  So true.  It hurts that my dreams were not real.  They were never going to come to fruition.  When I hear a certain song we used to listen to together, it feels like I have been stabbed right through my heart. Because it takes me back to how I felt at the time when we used to listen to it... .  so much perfection, everything was so right.  Except it never was, but I didn't know it at the time.  And that damn well hurts.  It's so hard to explain... .  

I wish I could find a solution for you, for me, for all of us.  I can't.  But it does help to know that we're not going crazy, and other people DO feel your pain. It's very hard to explain to people who have just had "regular" break ups, with no BPD involved.  This is pure torture.

[ScotisGone74]

Thanks for the replies everyone. 

To be honest, I don't think anyone could ever fake some of the things that my ex BPD SO did during our time together, but in the end she showed the person she truly was.  In the beginning She was the one that hounded me, followed me around, wrote all the beautiful poems, took me to places I'd never been, introduced me to her entire family, made love like there was no one else on this earth.   I geuss my question really is, in the end after all of it, how do you know what was real, what wasn't, and what was just them being sick?   The answer, I believe, is that really you don't know.  Maybe it just helps me cope easier thinking it was all BS from the start.   I don't know, I'm going to have to really find a meaning to live at this point, its sick. 

[mango_flower]

Thanks for the replies everyone. 

To be honest, I don't think anyone could ever fake some of the things that my ex BPD SO did during our time together, but in the end she showed the person she truly was.  In the beginning She was the one that hounded me, followed me around, wrote all the beautiful poems, took me to places I'd never been, introduced me to her entire family, made love like there was no one else on this earth.   I geuss my question really is, in the end after all of it, how do you know what was real, what wasn't, and what was just them being sick?   The answer, I believe, is that really you don't know.  Maybe it just helps me cope easier thinking it was all BS from the start.   I don't know, I'm going to have to really find a meaning to live at this point, its sick. 

I really understand.  I truly do.  It's so much easier to detach when you try and convince yourself it was all a load of bull... .  it's confusing and heartbreaking.  And I wish I had the answers.  All I know is that I feel better when I surround myself with healthy, normal people and her impact on my life is minimal... .  it's just crazy-making otherwise.

Stay strong, we are here for you xxx