Do they know they have BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am unclear.

From what I've read so far, I understand that some of them feel that there is something wrong.

The exBPDgf thought (or at least told me that she thought) that she was the most normal person and there was something wrong with me.

A couple of years ago I was suspended from work (of course it had to do with this relationship) and upon return I had to go through a very thorough 4 hour long psychiatric evaluation.

I was called a few days later and was told, 'You are as normal as one can be'.

I know that I have problems and I know what they are, even the roots of them. I don't question that.

But do they know? If they do but undiagnosed, how much do they know? They don't know otherwise so how can they compare with "normal"?

[glacier_glider]

I am unclear.

From what I've read so far, I understand that some of them feel that there is something wrong.

The exBPDgf thought (or at least told me that she thought) that she was the most normal person and there was something wrong with me.

A couple of years ago I was suspended from work (of course it had to do with this relationship) and upon return I had to go through a very thorough 4 hour long psychiatric evaluation.

I was called a few days later and was told, 'You are as normal as one can be'.

I know that I have problems and I know what they are, even the roots of them. I don't question that.

But do they know? If they do but undiagnosed, how much do they know? They don't know otherwise so how can they compare with "normal"?

[willy45]

Great question.

And who knows.

Sometimes my ex would give me the most lucid responses about her inner workings. Mostly she would just blame me for everything, all the time.

For my ex, I suspect that it goes in waves. She was very unstable. So, I suspect that any introspection would go as easily as it came.

I saw her a month ago (we've been done about 7 months). After I told her that I would hide under the bed from her, her response was 'oh, my bad' and then she said 'there must be something about me that you really don't like'. Yeah. Like hiding under the bed from you consistently during late night rages.

Does that count as knowing something is wrong with them? I don't think so.

If I did that to anyone, I'm sure I would feel an incredible amount of shame and guilt and would apologize until the end of the world. For her, it was just a 'my bad'.

[WT]

My ex had moments of great self-awareness, but like johnnyorganic said, it was very fleeting.  She might tell me after a huge fight that she was so sorry for everything that she did and that she knows that she needs help (she didn't know about BPD), but the next day, she would flip out again over the smallest thing and tell me that everything is my fault.  I also don't think that this really counts as "knowing" that something is wrong, because their version of the truth will change depending on how they feel.

[glacier_glider]

I was blamed all the time for her own traits.

I remember being at her house, having dinner with her and all of a sudden she got very upset to the point where I had to leave. She told me later she my face did not look happy and I was angry. And I was not.

Sometimes she would admit to being very emotional. That's about it. Oh yeah, she has told me several times that she loves me and hates me.

I new she was "abnormal" from the very start, forget the red flags. I went in because I was sexually attracted but mostly because I am drawn to challenge. And here I am.

[OTH]

Not being able to control your life and your relationships has to be frustrating. Blaming the partner, faking medical illness, pretending the world is against them. Something is always wrong but how do they deal with it? How did we deal with it?

[glacier_glider]

Not being able to control your life and your relationships has to be frustrating. Blaming the partner, faking medical illness, pretending the world is against them. Something is always wrong but how do they deal with it? How did we deal with it?

We were staying trying to help because we hoped that, once all the problems are solved, the happiness (euphoria) will return.

They... .  well... .  they were on a constant search for a replacement.

The one that I was with always told me that I'm the best person she's ever met (and the worst, or course). Always claimed that this was the best sex. So at least I knew I was able to invoke the strongest set of emotions in her.

But if a person never experiences "normal", how do they know that what they deal with on a regular basis is "not normal"?

[OTH]

In most cases this is how their brain works. It is normal to them. This is what makes therapy so hard. How do you find a new normal?  Most BPDs have had difficult r/s with family and SOs. They know r/s are difficult for them. They really struggle with insight into their part of it.

[Blessed0329]

My ex knew. He is very intelligent and well read, especially on psychological issues. He worked very hard at appearing normal, and succeeded, as long as people didn't get too close. He did almost everything by scripts, and when something happened that caused him to lose it, or go off script, he had a handy excuse from his teen years to fall back on... .  he'd used a lot of drugs in the 70's. People seemed to buy this, and overlook his "quirks."

[Matt]

My ex was diagnosed with BPD (and other stuff).  My brother's wife was diagnosed with NPD - narcissistic personality disorder.  Neither of them have accepted treatment.

My brother's wife told him "It would hurt too much.", which I think was probably a very honest answer.  I think they should get treatment, for their own sakes, and because of the kids, but I have to say, I can understand why they don't want to.  In both cases, they had very bad childhoods, and I think they just don't want to go there.

[GustheDog]

My ex knows.  Blessed0329's description of her ex sounds pretty on-point (except that she wasn't alive in the 70s and only abuses the legal drugs she's prescribed).

She cycles in and out of denial, just as she cycles in and out of every other possible feeling or belief under the sun.

[FogLight]

My ex made several statements indicating that she knew something might be wrong with her.  I noticed she would seem upset about it for a very brief moment, then change the subject and move along like the thought never crossed her mind.  I think to some extent many pwBPD realize that something is not right but the thought is too painful to hold for more than a brief moment before shutting it out, especially considering they already have such negative views of themselves.

[trampledfoot]

Very new to this ,See my post on the "new to the board forum."  Found this thread interesting I have tried to get my gf to go to therapy talk about her feelings, her extremes, her black or whiteness, and her instability and she brushes it off like I am wrong. the only thing i have ever got her to admit was that she is very emotional and has anger problems maybe once.  She has hit me physically dozens of times also her car once. 

I would love love to find the magic words to get her to go to therapy with me or alone.  I am very much in love with her but this is BPD is keeping us from making it to that next level and constantly breaking our relationship down.  Basically just when I think its getting good she hits a tailspin into instability.

[GreenMango]

I saw moments of clarity to the point where mine said "I think I'm going crazy" which didn't really last that long.  It's fleeting.  The nature of a disorder like this is wildly changing emotions and coping skills.  It's a study in contradictions.

This might be another question to think about along with the original one:  Do you think you could have lived the way you were living with this person for the rest of your life? 

[mango_flower]

My ex knows she has issues.  We have talked about them lots.  She knows that the level of emotional intensity and the fact she has self-harmed in the past, and admits to feeling dead inside some days, is not normal.

She once told me "I know I am a little bit broken, but deep down, all I want is to be happy like everyone else".  That one statement shattered my heart into little pieces.

If I could have one wish, it would be that she could have that inner peace that most of us do have when life isn't throwing stuff at us.  Even when external factors are stable for her, internally she is still in turmoil.

I hate that she suffers - she isn't a raging type, more just very emotionally intense and "Broken" as she herself puts it.

I'm not sure if she's ever considered the BPD label - she told me once that she had a friend who had it - I'm not sure how much she really knows about it though. Unless she's a lot smarter than I gave her credit for, and maybe she has been diagnosed for years and was sussing out my views on it?  Nothing would surprise me anymore... .  

[wanttoknowmore]

I think they have some vague idea that there is somthing wrong with their mind. My gf once after raging and shutting down for 2 days ,later told me that "i was trying to protect you from my craziness... so i did less talk less mistake,no talk no mistake."

[healingmyheart]

I wonder that very question myself... .  do they really deep inside "know"?  I once told my ex that he had a "dark side" to him... .  before I knew about BPD.  Of course, he just got defensive.  Once after a rage, he came to me and said that he sees the demon inside of him which has caused issues with him and his daughter... .  but, fleeting thought as well.  The rages seem so out of their control.  To me it is as if they become possessed and my ex doesn't even remember one very bad rage... .  dissociation?

They are just doing what they've always know and what is normal to them.  Hard to be reflective when you don't know any different I guess.  It's just so weird to me... .  my ex is very insightful about other people but can't see himself for who he really is.

[refuge]

from what I've seen its a matter of degree. Those with traits can probably see it ,those who are 100% certifiable literally do not have the capacity to see there own actions or even understand there feelings are there own ... i think this is why confronting them is frowned upon. They can't see it,no matter how clear it may be... that capacity for self reflection is basically disabled.

[Tired of it]

I heard all of the same.  Best kisser ever, best sex ever, etc etc.  I'm wondering if she is telling her current b/f the same things?

[LoveNotWar]

Only in the sense that he knew he was ashamed of some of his behaviors when they were examined in the light of day.

Of course, he was always the victim and if it weren't for what I did he never would have behaved that way.

So basically he knew he had problems but if he could just find the "right" woman who truly loved and understood him he wouldn't act

that way.

LNW

[recoil]

This is a really interesting question.  

My EX has always made mention of her black/white thinking.  She is very aware of this trait.  She is also somewhat aware of her push/pull tendencies, especially as it pertains to her "time of the month".

She once asked me if I thought she was crazy.  I know her ex-husband made her go to therapy (only recently learned this).  

I had mentioned couples therapy a long time ago and she said I'd learn things I wouldn't like about her.  I tried to get her to elaborate but she wouldn't.

She says she has many layers (I keep thinking about Shrek and onions) -- layers I would never know.  

She also said she was scared of intimacy.

I think she knows she has issues -- but whether or not she knows she has BPD is another story.  She told me she was diagnosed with GAD.

[GustheDog]

My ex, on more than one occassion, has . . .

- stated that she's "so crazy";

- acknowledged that she "experiences things in 'extremes'";

- acknowledged that she has "fits" or "frenzies" (i.e., she dysregulates);

- acknowledged that she is passive-aggressive and avoids dealing with problems;

- acknowledged that she has unhealthy eating-behaviors (i.e., periods of heavy binging/periods of extreme restriction)

This is just off the top of my head.

She has also been taking antidepressants (allegedly for depression and anxiety) and amphetamines (for very severe, chronic fatigue) for over a decade.

She suffered endless physical ailments - cramps, pains, aches, etc.  She's a hypochondriac and is constantly at some medical appointment to have mole examined or removed or who knows what else.  She even experienced a very random retinal-detachment in one eye that required emergency surgery and damaged her vision (only slightly, fortunately).

It's safe to say she's fully aware she's got issues.

[sunrising]

My ex knew SOMEthing was wrong with her, even before she was diagnosed with BPD.  She would say things like, "I love you.  I just need to learn to love myself.   Lots of work to do there... .  "   She also said, "I don't know why I sabotage my close relationships" to me at least a couple times.  These statements were often made after a blow-up of some sort.

To answer Greenmango's question, I don't know if I could have done it another year, let alone "forever".   Of course, my ex is in therapy, so I'll always get to WONDER if she will get better.   Not easy... .  

[GreenMango]

Accepting her as is ... .  Is a difficult choice.  I don't think its ever a situation where even committed stayers who have cleaned up their side of the street find it an easy one.  There's a lot of emotional maturity required and compromise and for some its just too much.  Others it okay.

[trampledfoot]

LoveNotWar

I have constantly dealy with "the right woman" thing with my ex gf.  Everything that we did if it didnt match her ideal relationship which was generally 100% irrational or not normal was compared to "i will find someone that does this or wants this because those types of relationships exist. 

She was under the impression that it is normal to want to spend literally every second of every day with another person and  that "nothing should be more fun without me." Or "Our relationship should be how it was for the first 6 months forever."


She would constantly say if I was right for her then I would be able to provide her with things like these.