Parners with BPD withholding sex?

[connect]

I hope that is not to personal! I have had experience of this from my male partner and wondered if it is common.

Thanks!

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[Winglessfallen]

I'm kind of tumbling through this question myself right now.  My dBPDgf started off saying she had a mighty appetite for these things, but has recently been very scarce with it, often sighting not feeling well, or cramps, or what have you.  But, I can't really trust what's going on, because I'm not really trying to initiate anything.  There have been moments where she clearly didn't want to do anything at times that I have though.  She also makes indirect sexually offensive remarks, like calling herself a lesbian, mentioning that she is going to lose interest in me, or how when someone isn't getting what they need in a relationship, they will look elsewhere for it.  When she is feeling "frustrated" or what-not, she will initiate, but it has been pretty inactive in the last while.  I can see this behavior being a way to control.  She has said that she believes that sex is important to men and that they "need it" to be satisfied in a relationship, so I can see how she would feel it was a way to control me, although sex has never been a big issue for me, so I don't think it's quite working the way she wants if thats the case.

[patientandclear]

There are a few other threads on this general topic recently. I think it's really important because in the idealization/honeymoon stage, sex is usually such a prominent and joyful part of these relationships. But I see a really strong pattern on the boards, though it's not universal, of pwBPD being almost horrified by the intimacy of sex with someone who knows them well.

That sure is how it went with my ex. Sex with us was great. But I learned later that he chronically avoided sex w/other partners.  The woman he was seeing briefly after me is not open to sex outside of marriage, as far as I known which would be very comfortable for him.

My ex is a childhood sex abuse survivor. I totally get why sex triggers fears of hurt & betrayal. It's worrying how often pwBPD "perform" in this area to please us initially when in fact there often are concealed discomforts or anxieties. I think it's a really common pattern.

[Themis]

Hi Connect,

I am sorry that like my question on this and other silent treaments/ignoring/withholding actions there has been no real answer or solution.

I'll PM you if anybody answers mine with a solution. There's so many of us almost begging for help in those areas.

[Seb]

My uexBPDgf definitely withheld sex as a means of control. I didn't realise what was going on at the time, but looking back it was during times of stress and once the honeymoon phase had worn off that this developed. It was always a case of when she said so... and only when she said. I remember being so confused by this - what had happened to the girl that couldn't get enough of me only a few weeks before? She would initiate, or she would stop me... only ever on her terms when she was in her withholding phase. I said to her once, "You're my girlfriend and I love you, I don't want to feel like I have to ask if it's ok to touch you".

My ex also displayed signs of shame during sex - covering her face with a pillow. We saw a sex ed programme together and Tracey Cox (some of you may know her, she's a sex/relationship therapist I think) said to a wife that did exactly what my ex did, that covering your face during sex is a sign of shame.  I have no idea if my ex was sexually abused when she was a child, but sex was definitely a trigger for my ex.