My Drug of Choice

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My expwBPD did heroin.  He never admitted it, but I saw the pipe, the foil, and the residue.  He would "joke" about black tar heroin in an attempt to gauge my reaction, which was always surprise about how heroin could come up in normal conversation. He also smoked marijuana openly with his friends, and learned not to phone me when he was high, because I could always tell.

I know drugs numbed his pain and became part of the solution to the problems in his life.

But he was my drug of choice and I thought by focusing on him I could escape my own reality.  Posts sometimes reflect how detoxing from these relationships resembles withdrawals of a drug addict.  We craved our ex's; we needed them; life was better with them; they become our drug of choice.  When our drug was taken away we scrambled frantically for contact.

I escaped this addiction by going straight through the problem and not around it.  The problem was my beliefs about myself.  I wasn't loveable.  I wasn't worthy of love.  I didn't deserve it.  These beliefs were further reinforced by choosing emotionally unavailable men who would prove my theory was correct; they left me because I wasn't good enough. Emotional unavailability was fallout from my FOO; it was what I knew and what felt comfortable.

We have the power right now to challenge faulty beliefs about ourselves.  We have the power right now to get to the heart of our addiction. We've forged the chains that bind us and we can create the key that unlocks us from our past.  This key is forged in love, acceptance, and humility. 

Our prize is freedom.

tailspin

[tailspin]

My expwBPD did heroin.  He never admitted it, but I saw the pipe, the foil, and the residue.  He would "joke" about black tar heroin in an attempt to gauge my reaction, which was always surprise about how heroin could come up in normal conversation. He also smoked marijuana openly with his friends, and learned not to phone me when he was high, because I could always tell.

I know drugs numbed his pain and became part of the solution to the problems in his life.

But he was my drug of choice and I thought by focusing on him I could escape my own reality.  Posts sometimes reflect how detoxing from these relationships resembles withdrawals of a drug addict.  We craved our ex's; we needed them; life was better with them; they become our drug of choice.  When our drug was taken away we scrambled frantically for contact.

I escaped this addiction by going straight through the problem and not around it.  The problem was my beliefs about myself.  I wasn't loveable.  I wasn't worthy of love.  I didn't deserve it.  These beliefs were further reinforced by choosing emotionally unavailable men who would prove my theory was correct; they left me because I wasn't good enough. Emotional unavailability was fallout from my FOO; it was what I knew and what felt comfortable.

We have the power right now to challenge faulty beliefs about ourselves.  We have the power right now to get to the heart of our addiction. We've forged the chains that bind us and we can create the key that unlocks us from our past.  This key is forged in love, acceptance, and humility. 

Our prize is freedom.

tailspin

[heartandwhole]

Great post, tailspin, thank you    I am right there with you, my drug of choice was unavailable men and I, too, believe(d) I was unloveable.  Freedom from those false beliefs is the gift I give to myself, it feels better than the addiction, a lot better - and I'm worth it.   

Thanks for the inspiration today! 

[Scott44]

Tailspin,

Thank you so much for your eloquent words.  They resonate deeply with me.

[tailspin]

heartandwhole  

Scott44  

Thank you.  Your support is so important to me.  

I've never admitted I knew about my ex's drug addiction; I was so ashamed but this is such a great place to share our shame and heal.  More importantly, I've never admitted to myself how my addiction to him was just as strong.  This realization is a turning point for me and one I am thankful to share with my friends.  

Shame and fear only have power over us if we keep them in the shadows and lose their strength in the light of day.  I am so thankful for the light.

tailspin

[maria1]

Hi Tailspin

Amazing post- sums it up. My drug of choice is crazy, dangerous men. They excite me and I am drawn to them: I am sure this is from my FOO stuff and also spending a chunk of my childhood in a town where being 'bad' was respected.

I am learning not to inhale when I get close to those type of men now. They seem to be everywhere and I have not got over the pull. I'm waiting for good and deep and long therapy.

Thank you 

[maria1]

Hi Tailspin

Amazing post- sums it up. My drug of choice is crazy, dangerous men. They excite me and I am drawn to them: I am sure this is from my FOO stuff and also spending a chunk of my childhood in a town where being 'bad' was respected.

I am learning not to inhale when I get close to those type of men now. They seem to be everywhere and I have not got over the pull. I'm waiting for good and deep and long therapy.

Thank you   

[tailspin]

Maria, I am your biggest fan 

I know you have the strength and courage to make it past your addiction. 

In my experience learning not to inhale isn't nearly as important as learning how to exhale. 

Let it go and let it be.

tailspin

[daze]

Great post!    I'm right there with you.

[maria1]

Tailspin thank you and right back at ya!

Breathing is the key. Breathing in the good and letting out that which we don't need. I wouldn't have taken the steps I have without BPDex in my lungs.

I consistently don't like him any more. Still feel compassion for him but the pull toward him is definitely diminishing.

I'm so glad you managed to post something you've been holding in for so long. I guess that's exhaling too.   

[Grey Kitty]

I relate to this from the other side--I have found my life to be way too dependent on my wife. I do need to work on that.

But we have repaired our marriage in place. She has really grown up from the sort of BPD stuff she was lost in. Not saying she's perfect, but then again, neither am I! And now we really have a wonderful marriage!

So now I need to find a way to deal with my "addiction" without giving up the drug. I'm reluctant to call it addiction in my case, but even if that is too strong a word for it, there is something unhealthy in it for me. I am realizing that with my wife spending some time away (a week or several here and there) this year I'm feeling like there is a big empty hole in my life, and I'm not sure what to do with it.