A warning to all

[have gone nc]

I have been reading these posts for a few days now. Here is my story of BPD. If you read through my other posts you will see that i was in an 18month relationship with someone who was diagnosed as BPD. It honestly nearly killed me. I had a nervous breakdown, it cost me about £15'000 trying to save this girl, I nearly lost my career and i truly feel that I genuinely lost a part of me. Anyway I got over it! I got my career back better than before, And i now have my own business which is looking to be a very successful one. I got my finances back together and I was seeing a phycologist who was a friend of the family who really helped with breaking down my relationship with my BPD... .  I walked free, I had done my work on myself, I was a better person... .  STOP!

No I hadn't?

I was going about my business, I was happy and content. So aware of people with personality disorders it was crazy. Shut people out of my life who was manipulators and no good for me, My home was a calm and peaceful one. I had been seeing lots of other women on a casual basis ( I have to be honest this was to boost my self esteem and I feel very bad for it now because it was very immature ).

One of my customers who had been seeing me a for a couple of years comes in for work. She had always had terrible relationships and always spoke of how bad things were for her. She spent time with me and told me how bad everything was, the bad things that had all been done to her etc etc etc... .  

What do I do, I enter a relationship with this girl. She was so attentive to my needs, Buying me gifts, Couldnt believe how she finally found me, Had wanted to be with me for years blah blah blah. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

She had been cheated on by everyone! ( So i prove constantly that i havent cheated )

Her money issues were everyone elses fault ( So I prove i dont want her money and help with all her daily money needs )

She was so trustworthy and never cheats! ( I feel totally secure and put all my trust in her )

She moves in within 6 weeks ( She says she felt like my wednesday, saturday girl before )... .  and so many other things.

My alarm bells were going off like crazy! But i ignored them ALL... .  EVERY single one of them.

Lies, Inconsistencies in stories, Drinking, Drugs, Abusive childhood, Vast amounts of debt... .  And so many more things.

Do you know what my realisation is... .  When i thought I had done my work to be a better person, All I had done was find the validation that my ex ex was BPD and that she will repeat her pattern. Nothing more, Nothing Less.

If I was emotionally mature I would NEVER have involved myself in this relationship... .  NEVER.

The people that are on here getting validation, I understand this ( I have been there ), But you HAVE to realise if you do not stop this and really reallly really look inside and see why you put up with this, I guarantee you will end up having another round of this.

I read an article that we attract someone on the same emotional level, SO TRUE.

I GUARANTEE if you look back at the very start of your relationship that you gave off the indication that you have always given your all to your previous partners and end up coming unstuck... .  THESE PEOPLE PICK UP ON THIS!

Do you genuinely believe that someone with BPD or even traits of this would meet someone who is whole and healthy, Successful, Confident, And as they put it "Selfish " and then pursue a relationship with them. NEVER EVER EVER, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

My friend is HUGELY successful, Hugely confident, and my ex BPD HATED him, with a passion. Even convinced me he was manipulating me while all the time she was getting me to ignore my friends, and not take care of myself. I was trapped in MY own home again and isolated from support. I was majorly co-dependant and ALWATS put her first, over work, me, my dog, my family and friends.

MY VOW is to put in as much work as it takes to NOT attract these people. I want to be at a point were even if my ex comes back i just will not be attracted to her. Because if I am whole, healthy and emotionally mature... .  i will not be, guaranteed.

Of course get validation that you need, but please please please learn from me... .  Do your homework on you... .  It isnt ANY easier the second time round, And I still have to stop myself thinking about what shes doing and whats gone on in our relationship. But with help I am confident I just will not attract these people full stop. I hope they sense I am emotionally healthy, and that i am not even a candidate to play their games.

Be well and take care all... .  

[pallavirajsinghani]

But with help I am confident I just will not attract these people full stop. I hope they sense I am emotionally healthy, and that i am not even a candidate to play their games.


I am so proud of your insight.  And I do see that you are still giving your power away.

You may attract all sorts of people.  Some healthy, some not.  Issue is to learn how to discriminate and how to say yes to the healthy ones and no to the unhealthy ones.  This decision-making power resides in YOU.  Rather than hoping that the unhealthy ones should not find you an easy target, better if you work towards the goal that YOU would not be attracted to them.  You can only control yourself.  You have power only over your own actions and decisions.

Be the boss of your own life.  :-)

[drv3006]

AMEN!

[have gone nc]

MY VOW is to put in as much work as it takes to NOT attract these people. I want to be at a point were even if my ex comes back i just will not be attracted to her. Because if I am whole, healthy and emotionally mature... .  i will not be, guaranteed.

[healingmyheart]

Thank you for sharing your story... .  as I'm doing my self assessment work, it makes me see just how important it is to complete it wholeheartedly... .  best of luck to you!

[LoveNotWar]

When I got out of the hospital after my exBPDh's LAST opportunity to abuse me I told myself I wasn't dating ANYONE, EVER, PERIOD.

It's been almost 7 months, the divorce is final and sometime about 4 weeks ago I realized I was comfortable in my life... .  I started experiencing moments of spontaneous happiness, I think turned the corner.

I think now, if I date, I can do a better job of setting boundaries, seeing red flags and having a healthier r/s. I think taking a little time has made a BIG difference.

LNW

[GreenMango]

This is a doable goal!  You can do this 

If I was emotionally mature I would NEVER have involved myself in this relationship... .  NEVER.

Excellent thread and I would love to hear more on how things are going. 

[almost789]

Seriously? You got into another one with all those signs. Lord I hope and pray I do NOT do that. I know what to look for and I will NOT get attached to someone like this again. I dumped mine in the begining because he was too "close" and knowing right off the bat. I thought it was WEIRD. Sadly he came back and poured on the idealization but also had caught me in a type of "rebound" situation.

[MaybeSo]

Getting back into a similar relationship dynamic either as a recycle or with someone brand new is not at all uncommon here.

Intellectually understanding about "red flags" can be helpful, but it doesnt complete the picture.

This is a very good thread because it highlights the fact that the healing process is ultimately "an inside job". The focus on externals only goes so far.

[have gone nc]

Trust me these were the small signs... .  there was much bigger ones that i havent mentioned. Yes im a fool but I have to hope that it was a lesson that i had to learn to show me I was not as "sensible" as i told myself I was. It made me realise I hadn't put the work in, I was fooling myself. I put the work in to validate that i was abused and i shouldn't accept that, that is all. As far as fixing my "inner self" i had gained any progress whatsoever despite what i told myself.

This is why i posted, because i read daily... .  why did he/she do this and that, and tell me im not crazy for leaving. But the honest truth is we are all guilty for being a little crazy. Because if we wasn't we would not have entered this. I feel I was slightly vunerable again this time round because i was trying to get my business started and i was under a lot of stress, Is this an exuse... .  NO!

How can my work life determine my boundaries in my relationships... .  it doesn't. Only i can determine what i accept and what i do not. The whole time i was screaming to myself "get out!" but me being me felt i was the one who would make her life better, i was going to fix all the issues myself... .  what a fool I am.

She has gone from " I messed everything up and i will do councelling to fix this " to " only you are stopping us from getting back together, just because you are shutting me out and you don't have to, I will not hurt you and i will show you that i am by your side always, stop pushing me away" what a joke.

Now i have stopped reading the " Signs of a BPD relationship ", " Are you in an abusive relationship " and " Will this person be the same in there next relationship " and i am seeing a councellor which i am paying for myself. I am reading the articles on " emotional maturity", "being co-dependant" and " attracting people to the same emotional age as yourself ".

It is hard because so much i read is me, and it doesnt say that its a good thing for me to be! But i feel confident that I have the power to change this, because I am aware!

My ex sadly I feel does not, she has done a full circle in two weeks from taking full responsibility to blaming me for pushing her away... .  the victim yet again.

[Winglessfallen]

I totally understand this.  Since finding out about BPD from my dBPDgf, I have realized that a lot of my former relationship and "more than friendships" have been with troubled woman, a couple with BPD traits, at least.  The two girlfriends before my current one were a victim of sexual abuse from their father and an unstable mother, and victim of anger problems from her father and an extremely low functioning Bi-polar mother.  The girl I was head over heels for before this one was a cutter in high school, and even occasionally into her twenties, with a history of theft, drug abuse, alcoholism, sexual promiscuity who had an emotional distant father and an over bearing mother.  Before her was a girl I lived with as friends but had a very entangled relationship with, coated in mixed signals and difficult feelings.  She was suicidally alcoholic and destructive, incredibly sexually dysfunctional and just all over the map emotionally.  She was a complete train wreck.  And I was mad about her.  In between, I talked to a woman who was a victim of massive abuse and neglect as a child, and was a product of foster/orphanage care with a history of suicide attempts, drug abuse, alcoholism, sexual promiscuity and piles of other problems, as well as diagnosed PTSD so bad, she was eligible for disability.  All of these women had a sense of damage to them that I hoped I could fix, along with a smothering of excitement that was titillating on top of it.  The drama they caused was a rush, even though it hurt so much, so often.  Most of these also took place while I was a borderline alcoholic and fairly dysfunctional myself.

I think you're right, gone nc, we need to find out why we're going after these women/men and what part of us they are speaking to and take care of it (I especially see this now that I have clearly identified my past relationships here, ).  My T has shifted, per my request, from focusing on my relationship to focusing on my issues, and we're already starting to head in a good direction, and I am very excited for what healing I will find here.

[sunrising]

Knowing what you know now, does anyone feel like there weren't any    ?  Knowing what I know now, I could make a large spreadsheet.

sunrising

[Cumulus]

A fool? Not from what I read on that post HGNC. Sounds to me like you identified a very real issue that I have seen, not only in myself, but in a close friend who also happened into one of these relationships, then again and then again. I think what happens is we get our head on straight, our thinking normalizes, we weary of the work of introspection and we just want to get back out in the world and have a life. Nothing wrong with that. Except if we haven't taken the time to finish the work of our heart and emotions it doesn't matter how smart we are. We will miss the red flags because we don't listen to our head when we enter a relationship, we listen with our heart. I appreciate your post, and warning duly noted.

[have gone nc]

I have just returned from a first meeting with a councellor. To see if we are going to work together. She says that i am very healthy and that im vary aware of what my problem is, its just that when somebody like this enters my life I almost "split" my personality, and that i have no trust in myself or my gut feelings. She said that I just need to bring the two together so that if I come into this situation again I do not "split" again. She says it will be hard and that it will be quite intense and she will confront me with certain things i may not like. But i am so determined to change my story that i have made a promise to myself to complete this. It also made me realise that somebody with BPD has such a hard long road in front of them to make any significant change because if she is saying how tough it will be for me to stop being a rescuer, then how difficult must their job be? It also made me realise i MUST stay away from my ex or other people like this because my instinct will kick in again and no doubt ill ignore all I have learned. I am tired of giving my all and at the end come home to an empty house... .  enough is enough

[Suzn]

Now i have stopped reading the " Signs of a BPD relationship ", " Are you in an abusive relationship " and " Will this person be the same in there next relationship " and i am seeing a councellor which i am paying for myself. I am reading the articles on " emotional maturity", "being co-dependant" and " attracting people to the same emotional age as yourself ".

It is hard because so much i read is me, and it doesnt say that its a good thing for me to be! But i feel confident that I have the power to change this, because I am aware!

  You do have the power to change this. Changing your focus from your ex onto you is the first step. Kuddos! Working on you, getting to know more about your values helps set your boundaries and you begin to trust your gut feelings again when you see flags. I'm looking forward to reading your posts about how you are working on you in Personal Inventory. 

[doubleAries]

I just spent 3 hours at my therapists office talking about exactly this same thing. I cannot afford this--emotionally, financially, or psychologically--anymore.

This is definitely a repeat pattern for me--all the way back to childhood. As a young adult, I cut off all contact with my sadistic BPD mother. OK, that's all well and fine, I needed to do that to get my head on straight. But NC didn't teach me ANYTHING at all about how to enumerate my vales, then erect boundaries around those values, then enforce those boundaries.

I am just now extracting myself from the worst relationship I have ever had, with a person with major mental illness (bipolar 1 with psychotic features, ASPD, NPD). I have a long expensive ways to go too--it ain't over yet.

It's all well and fine to rant and rave about all the crappy things he's done for the past 18 years, but as long as I continue to convince myself that I'm a perfectly normal innocent victim, tricked by a crazy person, it will happen again and again (this is my 3rd hellish marriage). The real question is not "why did he do this to me?" It is "why did I do this? Why do I entangle myself in this? Why do I pair up with emotionally erratic, emotionally unavailable partners? Why do I believe I can only be loved if I rescue/fix/help someone who can't be fixed? (If they wanted to be fixed, they'd fix themselves)"

We all have different reasons why we have come to believe deep inside ourselves that unless we are rescuing/fixing/helping someone, we aren't worthy of love. But we have to get to the core of it and change it. Rescue/fix/help the only person we really actually only could all along--ourselves.

[Maryiscontrary]

Doublearies, this is exactly the question we should be asking ourselves. There are so many crappy people out there. Billions of them. My personality really changed in the past year. I will not put up with crap from anybody. I am so-called "training people how to treat me."

There are even some slightly dysfunctional people who are wonderful at a distance. There is a boundary of intimacy that they will not cross, period. This isn't about tossing the baby out with the bath water, it is about keeping people in properly earned slots in your life.

The only people who are close should be people who encourage functionality and growth in you. This is rare, because misery loves company. A real friend will never encourage you to stay in a situation that is harmful.

[Vatz]

Jesus Christ on a crutch!

This was... .  this was what I needed to hear.

[Wooddragon]

This thread is very valuable and also very timely for me - what a confronting insight to realise that all through my life i have been latching on to abusive, damaged & emotionally unavailable people - including even my "best friend" in school - Lordy!

I am now realising how important it is for me to be very mindful of my values & to enforce boundaries with those who are likely to abuse or compromise those values. "enforcement" is hard work - I would much rather spend my time with people who respect & share those values as well! Thanks to all who are posting & sharing on this board 

[honesty2013]

A-mazing!

[sad but wiser]

My good friend told me my "picker" was broken.  She decided she always seems to "pick" people who are unhealthy for her.  She's a very warm and giving sort of person.  I agree with her.  I have decided not to "pick" anyone.  I'm quite happy at home.  It is quiet and relaxing after a long day at work.  I have relationships with people at my work, at my church, friends, family and God.  When I am tempted to try looking for happiness anywhere else, I remind myself that to find a PARTNER I need to be the kind of person I want to attract.  One who is mostly quite happy, with a full life and good relationships.  This could take some time... .  Good. What was it Dorothy learned?  Oh yeah, when I go looking for my heart's desire, I won't go looking any farther than my own yard, because if it isn't there, it isn't anywhere.  I think it meant you have to learn how to be happy to find happiness.