Anyone do the breaking up with exBPD with GF?

[honesty2013]

My story-

I had been after this girl who is attractive, but seemed very hard to get for a few months. After a few times seeing her, we hit it off at a party and she and I hung out together the next few days pretty much inseperable. As all would say, I should have clearly seen the red flags, but for whatever reason I ignored them.

Initially for the first three months, everything was absolutely amazing (showering with gifts, always looking to go the extra mile, just flat out perfect girl (only issue was her constant request to move in). After 6 months of dating, i succumbed to the pressure and she moved in. Immediately I started to acknowlege ( should have noticed before but again for whatever reason i did not connect the dots) to see the general symptoms that are associated with BPD- low self esteem, eating disorder, feeling of emptiness, extremely needy, hot and cold decision making, substance abuse (she mentioned before she did alot of cocaine before we met), volatile friendships, self hatred (thinks the world is against them), lack of self awarness, constant lying about the most miniscule things etc. That being said, while I know generally BPD often results in cheating, I actually do not think that was an issue as we were esentially together every and all day with the exception of 2 hrs (always on IM, or next to each other for literally 8 months). In any event after multiple break ups that lasted for a day at the most, the third time was the charm. I simply couldnt take it anymore and I broke it off with her. I offered her the medical attention she needed, counseling etc, and no luck. She went to counseling was and esentially denied everything.

So my question, has anyone done th breaking up and how did you handle it? Though i broke it off with her, I find myself in more pain and dealing with more hurt than i did in my previous relationship in which i was married for 3 yrs and in a relationship with that person for 15

That being said, has anyone done the breaking up with your

[honesty2013]

sorry please ignore the last sentence.

[recoil]

Yes.  And it has been the most painful experience of my life - and I lost an amazing wife to cancer (with her for 14 years).

My story echos yours.  The idealization phase was great.  I couldn't have asked for someone better, especially after the passing of my wife.  She is caring, beautiful, funny, witty, sincere and quickly became my best friend.

She made a push for getting engaged and moving in -- and I was happy to do so.  After she moved in though, I started noticing things.  I noticed how depressed she seemed to be.  I never noticed this before.  It was like a zombie walking around the house devoid of any feelings.  She was going to bed really early and waking up late.  We weren't spending a lot of time together.  Sex became non-existent.  We stopped doing anything remotely fun.  Some of her cute "isms" became more and more pronounced.  We started having arguments over silly things and I was always, always wrong.  Instead of raging, she cried all the time and made me feel bad.  I didn't see how I was being manipulated at the time.

In the heat of a discussion, I said, "I'm done."  About ten seconds later, I apologized and said that I didn't mean it - I was just upset.  The fact those words came out of my mouth made her flee.  She was gone within a couple days.

Funny thing is, we never broke up.  We kept talking.  We just resumed where we left off after she moved into an apartment.

Eventually, she ended up blaming it on the house (it was the house I had when my wife passed).  So, I bought a new house.  About seven months later, we all moved into the new house.  Wouldn't you know it, the same thing happened.  

She became a zombie again.  She became overly jealous.  The loving and sweet girl was replaced by someone extremely depressed.  She started giving me the silent treatment.  Started belittling me like I was a child.  I started seeing a ton of "double standards" (she could yell spank any of the children but if I was the least bit sarcastic in my voice, I wasn't being a good father).  After a weekend of her acting out (tended to happen every other weekend when her kids were with their father), I said, "Maybe you shouldn't live here anymore".

She moved out the next day (still had her apartment).

We stayed apart for about a month and a half.  Then we resumed lunches/dating again.  At this time, I found out about BPD.  I started using some of the tools and the relationship was much more problem free.  I felt I was losing a little bit of my soul though.  I'm not sure I was really applying everything correctly to be honest.  I think I was enabling her too much.

I helped her get a house when her apartment lease ran out (great school system for her girls).  I was helping with the repairs (very fun to me, loved it as it's normally something I don't do -- working with my hands).  To me, we do rather well when we don't live in the same house -- and I'm fine with that (for now).

Over three weeks ago, she says she needs a break (but we wont see other peoople).  To me, that was the final straw.  I've done enough.  I've adjusted the way I think, speak and communicate.  I've bent over backwards emotionally, financially and every other "ly" way.  I told her I agreed.  We need a break -- a break-up.

I've been NC for almost a month.  She reached out with a text yesterday.

[trevjim]

Myself and ex probably broke up 3 times during the course of the Relationship, I ended it this final time. She got with someone else the next day, For the first month or even two, I really regreted breaking up, however as time has gone on I now feel I made the correct decision. I love her so much but she didnt treat me right.

Ive closed the door on her, and hopefully opened another for someone else.

[Tired of it]

I went through the same thing.  The thought I always had was things would be different if I had just married her.  She would see I didn't want anyone else.  She wouldn't have any more insecurity issues.  We wouldn't fight about me going to home to my apartment where I paid rent because I would now live with her.  She always pushed me to move in.  Always told me she was getting older (26) at the time and didn't have time to waste.  Said she wasn't going to have a kid after 30.  Constant pressure and I thought the cure all would be to marry her.  In my mind it seems like things would have been fine if I did that but I guess that it just my own mind thinking things would be but there is a very high possibility that I would have been getting myself into something much worse and just didn't know it.  After us being apart for a year and then her telling me to stop contacting her she came back around after three weeks of NC.  We had sex and she told me she loved me just to have her gone again within a couple of weeks saying she didn't want to rush into a relationship.  During that time I find out she is with someone else and when i confronted her and informed him of what was going on with her lying and apparent cheating, she tells me she never cheated on anyone, she loves him and plans to marry him one day.  No logic at all considering that she was just over sleeping with me.  Yet and still I am upset about it all instead of thanking God for not being with her.  I picture things with her and him being excellent but how could it be when she was sleeping with me? 

[healingmyheart]

Without going into great detail, yes, I kicked my ex BPD boyfriend out 2 weeks ago after two years of manipulation, rage, control, verbal abuse towards myself and my daughter and finally lying and deceit in regard to emotional affairs.

I see a counselor to help me work through my emotions.  I lost my husband to an illness 3 years earlier and had a 26 year marriage... .  so I know what a normal, healthy, giving relationship looks like. Although this BPD relationship started out very fairytale like, it ended like a horror movie.

No contact is the best rule because there is no reasoning with them and communication is there way of trying to wiggle their way back in.  My ex texts me everyday.  In the morning, he wishes me a good day.  Last night, he texted me that the tv show Smash was on... .  almost as if nothing has changed... .  denial?  Guess he's having a hard time latching on to someone else just yet.

I recommend counseling and trying to refocus your energy back unto "you".  :)uring our relationship, it was all about him and his interests so I'm doing things now for me and that helps to rediscover yourself.  Exercise is great... .  highly recommend working out.  

[honesty2013]

Completely agree! It's just odd, I made a committment to not get into another relationship for awhile after my divroce, which was about a year or so before i got into the relationship with my exBPD gf, however she just amazed me how great she was.

Additionally, what i can't fathom, is how ive never felt this amount of pain. Even when my marriage ended ( to the most amazing gal, unfortunantely we just grew apart) i didnt feel how i feel.

I certainly never tried this hard, or cared this much for sure.

Thanks for the suggestions, and I am absolutely seeing a counselor. Have been for almost 2 months, and have no plans on discontinuing. Just amazes me how capable she is to move on and be in another relationship (moved in with her new bf) days after i broke up with her. I know that it was unhealthy and something i needed to get out of, but needless to say, it still hurts.

Thanks all!

[hithere]

I did the final break-up and got a place secretly and only told her the day before leaving.  But she really forced me into it an I think she kind of knew I had enough.  There were some major deal-breakers that she was not willing to confront so the end was inevitable (in my mind anyway), right till the end she said strange things like she knows will will be married this year, etc... .  

The truth is they are too sick to even help themselves most of the time.

If you are in pain then you should seek therapy to help understand how you got yourself into this situation.  In addition if you were together 22 hours a day for eight months that seems a bit much.