Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
September 21, 2024, 02:27:53 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense (Read 392 times)
mango_flower
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 704
Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
«
on:
March 06, 2013, 01:21:39 PM »
I looked at the list and it appears that I'm flip flopping back between victim and survivor... .
So yeah. I'm trying to be honest here, and yes I know this is the "victim" side of me, so please don't be too mean! This is why I am posting, to try and be accountable.
I'm at the stage of wondering WHY I am trying for emotional maturity. I've always been emotionally mature, but dating a person with BPD has really set me back.
It feels like, I've been the bigger person, I've been patient, kind, strong, unwaveringly supportive... .
And she's acted like a brat, if you ask anyone who knew our relationship.
I feel like, some days I just want to throw the towel in.
I want to be that brat, who does whatever she wants, is non-accountable for her actions, and no matter what, always gets rescued and has people to take care of her. Gets attention, gets help, gets to be looked after.
And I know this is wrong! I shouldn't feel like this... . I should be taking care of MYSELF! I always have done... . but I feel like I'm going backwards.
Is it just because I'm still grieving and hurting?
P.S I have a strong, logical brain and I know this isn't right, nor will I ACT like this, but having these little thoughts worries me.
Logged
Grey Kitty
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182
Re: Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
«
Reply #1 on:
March 06, 2013, 02:20:57 PM »
I think you're OK here.
There is a big difference from wanting to be that immature spoiled brat who is taken care of... . and choosing to act that way!
Part of being a grown-up is recognizing how !@#$!@# hard it sometimes is and that you don't like it!
Logged
mango_flower
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 704
Re: Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
«
Reply #2 on:
March 06, 2013, 03:16:02 PM »
Thanks Grey Kitty -
Yeah - I'd never behave that way - far too much of a conscience! I try to treat others how I'd like to be treated. And I guess in time I will attract similar people towards me, so my life will be better. Short term it's tough though - it feels quite unfair!
Thanks again
Logged
blecker
Offline
Posts: 122
Re: Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
«
Reply #3 on:
March 06, 2013, 04:36:10 PM »
I raise some chickens. They are real smart birds. Social, a language and they even know how to count. Never leave the parimeter of their world though their curiosity always amazes me.
In my flock there is this one hen called Red who is similar to the brat you describe. She nips and pushes and is always first for food and special treats. She has even drawn blood.
But you know what? At night when they all find their coop and snuggle in with their chirps and purrs... . she is alone by herself. Cold, separate and shunned.
Chickens are smart.
Logged
mango_flower
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 704
Re: Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
«
Reply #4 on:
March 06, 2013, 05:54:56 PM »
Quote from: blecker on March 06, 2013, 04:36:10 PM
I raise some chickens. They are real smart birds. Social, a language and they even know how to count. Never leave the parimeter of their world though their curiosity always amazes me.
In my flock there is this one hen called Red who is similar to the brat you describe. She nips and pushes and is always first for food and special treats. She has even drawn blood.
But you know what? At night when they all find their coop and snuggle in with their chirps and purrs... . she is alone by herself. Cold, separate and shunned.
Chickens are smart.
Love this analogy! Analogies always make better sense to me than anything - so - THANK YOU!
Logged
Suzn
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3957
Re: Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
«
Reply #5 on:
March 06, 2013, 08:40:39 PM »
Quote from: mango_flower on March 06, 2013, 01:21:39 PM
Gets attention, gets help, gets to be looked after.
Would it surprise you to know that a sign of emotional maturity is the ability to receive? (as well as give) Everyone needs attention, getting help and to feel looked after. Even if it's by us. These are normal desires.
Accountability is a big plus in emotional maturity too. You're on the right track mango. What do you think your strengths in EM are? What would you say your weaknesses in EM are? Besides wanting to be a brat.
Logged
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
P.F.Change
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 3398
Re: Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
«
Reply #6 on:
March 07, 2013, 10:44:25 AM »
Quote from: mango_flower on March 06, 2013, 03:16:02 PM
I try to treat others how I'd like to be treated.
Ah, the Golden Rule.
Personally, I like it better in the negative, ":)on't treat anyone in a way you wouldn't want to be treated." And here's why: Some people misunderstand it as written; it can be interpreted as, "If I treat other people the way I need to be treated, they will reciprocate, and that is how I can get my needs met." If I want to be treated in a certain way, and give that treatment to others
expecting them to do "their part" and mirror that behavior back to me
I am essentially trying to control them. I will be frustrated when they don't do what I am trying to get them to do.
Tell me if I'm wrong... . but I hear you saying, "I give and give and give, but no one gives back to me!" Does that sound accurate? It is important to find a balance... . to give to others what *they* need
when we are willing and able
, while communicating when we need something from someone else. Being a Giver who doesn't also acknowledge and take care of his own needs will not attract other selfless Givers; it will attract Takers, as you have already seen.
You say you need attention, you need to be looked after. Nothing wrong with that! How can you see to meeting those needs? Can you give to yourself?
Wishing you peace,
PF
Logged
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”--Lao Tzu
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Ashamed of how I am feeling and trying to make sense
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...