BPDs and money

[targetonmyback]

Is there a thread anywhere already that covers the relationship between BPDs and financial affairs? I have known several people with BPD behavior and they all had a rather strange approach to money/free stuff/spending/saving/appropriating other people's resources without any apparent guilt.

Money/resources is a huge issue at the moment in my relationship with my sister and her husband, which is why I'm curious.

[Clearmind]

targetonmyback - there is a search tab at the top of the board if you would like to do a search for key words.

Can you explain a little more about your concerns with your sister and BIL (brother in law)?

[GustheDog]

Well, if by "strange approach," you mean epically overblown sense of entitlement, then that sounds like my ex.  If you mean without even rudimentary ability to budget/plan/save, I'd say sounds familiar.

In my experience, the BPD will approach a person's financial resources the same way they approach their emotional resources - i.e., they will sucketh dry.

[Themis]

He wants to live a champagne life on a shoestring budget.

He took me out on beautiful dates, fancy places, lots of gifts... .  then later I found he bought most things on credit card.

Years later still paying a lot of things off. He implies blame for his debt. He won't outright say it, but the majority of our arguments were about money.

In fact I don't think any of the sagas I have described would have happened if we were well-off. I'm not exaggerating.

Most of his resentment towards me started from him being the bigger breadwinner and paying for most of our stuff.

At first it was fine, then he got himself into debt. Then that's when it was all my fault.

That was the main reason he cited when he first broke up with me was that a relationship was too expensive and he couldn't afford it.

The thing is I never asked for any of those fancy things, I'm the type of lady that values time and affection.

I'd be over the moon to hold his hand and go for a walk. An activity easily done for free.

All his latest rages mostly revolve around money, and the dislike of me was born from that and rolled from there.

He was never in any money problems before me so this feeds his story that it is my fault. But again I never asked him for anything.

If I knew it was all on the credit card and how much he really earned--I'd have done some sort of intervention before it got so blown up.

[XL]

I think all types of people with emotional problems tend not to do well with money. In our society, that is left to parental education, and if your parents are abusive you're not going to learn those skills elsewhere.

People with explosive rage problems don't do well with employment. The job market isn't forgiving at the moment either, so some people who don't behave well are edged out completely, where maybe at some point they could have found a quiet job.

A lot of normal people are bad with money too.

I've experienced chronic compulsive shopping and hoarding with my BPD mother. She shops herself happy when relationships fail. She also has grandiose ideas about who will be visiting, where she will be going. An example would be buying luggage for a trip that isn't planned, booked or budgeted. There seems to be a hazy sense of "future" in the face of present crises, so that probably contributes. She seems to be either manically happy in the moment, or stewing on the past. I rarely hear much "In the future I will do X, and this is my plan for doing it." These are just observations.

[Ember]

For my mother money is a way to control people.

I started to earn and save my own money when I was 12 and my mother immediately began all sorts of drama to control that money.  Sobbing and screaming that the bank was going to take our house if I didn't 'loan' her my money.  (Realy a 12 year old earns enough babysitting money to keep the banks at bay?) This was accompanied by demands for extravagent gifts and rejection of any gifts I did buy as not being good enough.  Also, she did not buy stuff for me that she would buy for my sisters, like clothes.  She would also rage at me for being selfish if bought things for myself - when I was 19 she flipped out at my selfishness for buying a pair of eyeglasses when my prescription had changed crying and sobbing that I should have bought something nice for her and my dad instead.

I grew up believing that my parents were on the verge of bankrupcy.  I learned to hide my bankbooks and paystubs because if she found out I had any money the bullying to 'loan' her the money would never stop.  It also became apparent that when I gave her money she was spending it on herself or my sisters.  Occassionally I'd get some of the money back, but not much.  The older and more independent I became the worse it got.  When I was 18 she bullied me into loaning her the money I had earned to pay my college tuition.  She and my father beat me when I demanded it back. 

When I moved out of the house, living on my own, working and paying my own way through University, I made the mistake of telling her I was going on a trip so she knew I had a little extra money.  Her harassing calls for money got to the point where I stopped answering my home phone.  So, she hunted me down at my job in the federal government (not an easy thing to do) and started harassing me at work.  Everyone in the office could hear what was going on and my boss took me into her office and told me that this wasn't normal behaviour and that my mom was out of line.  I was completely humiliated at the time, but now I'm thankful.  Although I didn't give her the money, shortly after my trip she was flush with cash again.

My mother used money as control completely differently with my sisters.  She would buy them stuff as a way to enmesh them.  Here's a classic example of our family dynamics.   A few years ago my husband and I were going on a trip with our sons.  We often travelled with my sister and her kids but this was going to cost more money.  So my mother offered to pay for my sister and her kids. My husband asked me why I wasn't resentful that my mother would pay for my sister's trip and not mine, and my reply had been... .  there are always strings attached.  So at the last minute,  my mother whipped out a list of demands that my sister and I had to meet or else my sister wouldn't get the money.  What my mother hadn't anticipated was that this threat really had no power over my husband and I.   Well, the emotional blackmail started all of over again.  But, this time instead of the bank and bankrupcy it was going to be my fault that my mother was taking away my sister's trip.  My sister bent over backwards to fulfill my mother's needs and yes, I played along to  little and she got the money.  Because I hadn't been fully cooperative, my mother also made a point of giving an excessive amount of spending money for my kids, my sisters kids, and my sister - but not a dime for my husband and I - which we pretended not to notice.

Eventually my parents's demand for money weakened.  However, it went through a resurgence when I began to go low contact with them.  The phone calls began again with demands that I owe them, that I should be taking them out for dinner and trips, and buying nice things for them, that I should be supporting them.  My father was literally yelling at me that I HAD to tell him how much money I earned, that I had NO RIGHT to keep this a secret from him. This was accompanied by condemnation on spending money on ourselves while denying my parents the the financial support they deserved.  This drives me crazy because my husband and I are financially secure because we live a very frugal lifestyle.  Meanwhile my parents continue to make foolish financial decisions and want me to support them in a lifestyle I can't afford for myself.

What was really interesting is that when I stood firm and even pushed back by confronting them with some of the issues we have had with finances in the past... .  they denied everything.  They tried playing the victim but my siblings confirmed that what I was saying was true.  So, then they wrote a letter denying everything but offering me a substantial amount of money in order to 'make me happy'.  I never replied to the letter. This also led to share with other people that the real problem in our relationship is that I'm in financial difficulty.

I haven't even gone into all the times my father has tried to get me to invest in his latest 'multilevel' marketing business. Or, When I tried to convince them not to respond to the Nigerian lawyer who was going to make them rich if they helped him get money out of Nigeria.  Or, how my mother continued to write cheques illegally from my grandfather's bank account after he was dead so that she could be the hero and pay for her sister's travel expenses to come to the funeral; and the drama when this 'right' was taken away from her when her other siblings informed the bank of my grandfather's death.  Oh wait, I haven't even started on the fights over money whenever a family member dies. 






 

[targetonmyback]

omg Ember. stories like yours make my own situation seem like it should be a walk in the park to resolve.

I live overseas. My uBPD sister has taken charge of our parents' extensive financial resources via a very sneaky and secret POA enactment. Our father died last year, his 1984 Will very clearly left every last penny to our mother. That's what I expected, they were married over 50 years. Sister and BIL have tried and tried to get hold of the money. I keep getting in their way in the most polite way. They hate that I have logical reasons why I should be informed of mum's financial affairs. They utterly hate that legally no matter whether I help with parental care or not, I am on her Will for half and it is very unlikely that she would be found competent under a POA and in nursing care to rewrite her will at this point in life.

Personally I am thrilled that she is now in an expensive, permanent nursing home that will use up all the money. Half of nothing is nothing. How could I enjoy any future inheritance knowing my mum had lived her last years in poor quality care?

Curiously, all the people I've met who seem to exhibit BPD behaviors have a very intense relationship with money, especially free stuff, bargains, entitlement, outrage at any unfairness, feeding frenzy when someone is giving something away, wanting something for nothing but never ever giving anything unless it is a control tool as Ember has suffered.

My sister does the whole give-to-get thing, but never with anything financial.

[hithere]

Well, if by "strange approach," you mean epically overblown sense of entitlement, then that sounds like my ex.  If you mean without even rudimentary ability to budget/plan/save, I'd say sounds familiar.

In my experience, the BPD will approach a person's financial resources the same way they approach their emotional resources - i.e., they will sucketh dry.

Yes, well written.  My BPD ex had a huge sense of entitlement and even though she made a good living she always spend more than she earned and I am sure she would spend 100 million if she had it.

[Thunderstruck]

I only know about the money stuff through what my SO says about his uBPDx, but this is what I've heard:

- She has gotten those starter credit cards with a low limit, maxed them out, and didn't pay.

- She cycles through jobs frequently ("quit" two in the past year that I know of). Usually the jobs are low income to begin with.

- SO has to "buy" visitation time with his D8 (since there is no custody agreement/child support in place yet). Apparently when he first moved out she said she would give him custody if he gave her money. I think she's changed her mind and is gunning for full custody because she realized it's a paycheck.

- Basically any conversation between SO and the uBPDx is "give me the money, the amount of which I arbitrarily decided upon, that you OWE me". So there's your entitlement.

-She didn't have enough money to pay rent but bought a "new" used car, and buys Coach purses, and shops for herself constantly. Any cost involving D8 she'll ask for from SO.

-D8 said she "makes" her boyfriend buy her groceries.

[AbbyNormal]

A money incident was actually a major turning point in my relationship with my uBPD mother. As I've mentioned on another thread, my mom is an only child and so am I. When I was about 19, my maternal grandmother became gravely ill and she required around the clock care for the last year of her life. My mother and I were the ones who cared for her. We had a "sitter" during the day on weekdays and we took turns with nights and weekends.

I didn't know about BPD back then, this was back in the mid '90s. I didn't know what caused her behavior but I did think she was mean. My grandma used to beg me not to let my mom watch her. I was powerless to keep her away from my grandma but I did stop by unannounced a lot to check in on her. Once I walked in on my mother yelling at my grandma about not eating dinner. She raged at my grandma and poured her dinner over my grandma's head. My grandma was 79 years old at the time and had suffered a stroke. Scenes like this one still haunt me.

About two weeks after my grandma died, I went on a business trip out of state. This infuriated my mother. She was supposed to have picked me up at the airport when I got back and she didn't. I called and she wouldn't answer the phone. She called the next day and said she needed to go over my grandma's estate with me. I said I'd come by her house and she said we needed to instead meet at a "neutral" location.

So, when we met, she said my grandma left me more money than she had left her. She found this to be unacceptable given that she was her daughter and I was a grandchild. She told me she would give me two options. I could give her my inheritance and she would "still be my mother" or I could refuse and she would sue me for the money and "no longer be my mother."

I asked her why she thought if she sued me that she'd be awarded the money. She replied that she could show a court the financial paper trail of her paying my grandma's medical bills. I reminded her that while she did write my grandma's medical bills off of her own checking account, she was always reimbursed in cash from my grandma. (The reason she was reimbursed like this was because my grandma couldn't write very well due to her stroke, so she didn't write checks. I'd take her to the bank and she'd check out money to pay my mom. She didn't trust my mom with her money, for good reason.) Her reply? The court didn't know she'd been reimbursed in cash and she intended to lie about it.

I told her I'd sign over whatever she wanted. I was so young and all I could think was I didn't want to be one of those families that fights over money when someone dies. But, it changed something in me forever.

I live far away from my mother now but am still in regular contact. She is virtually powerless in my life and she knows it. She was very abusive during my childhood but is now left with very little to manipulate. For this reason, money has become a favorite tool for her. She sends gifts in an effort to enmesh. She says I should move back and live in the same state as her. She tells me that I'm "chasing money" by choosing to live where I live. And, she has repeatedly told me she only "invested" in me the way she did during my childhood because she expected me to take care of her the rest of her life.

As recently as last week she outright told me that I should live back in my hometown so that I could drive her around, pay for her groceries, medical care, and house maintenance. That way, she would have enough money to buy the things she really wanted---in this instance it was a $3000 computer. She said I owed that to her for raising me. The sense of entitlement is dizzying.

[optimismandlove]

OMG this particular thread resounds right through me.

My high functioning doctor partner with uBPD showered me with designer clothes, jewellery and Chanel perfume and talked about the most fabulous future we would share with our combined wealth and abilities and assets.

From day one he made it clear that he earned $1,000,000 a year.   I was bemused as he is a gp and I had no idea what a realistic salary was, assumed about 350,000

Anyway he made it clear to me that women had previously pursued him for his money and what he did (a doctor).   And he thought I seemed different.

I am 6 years older than him and we met 3 years ago.   As mature adults I thought it was fair enough  to be upfront about our finances, especially to show that I wasnt there for the money.  At that stage I had sold my home in a city and moved back to my small hometown where real estate is more affordable...  I owned my own house and had over $300,000 in my account and I was living off my interest and raising two sons.  I also received private child support from the boys father.  All amicable.

Anyway fast forward 2 months he admits he has debts and needs a loan of 250,000.  We made a formal agreement and he did repay it with 5percent interest within 6 months.

By halfway thru the second year he showed me he had $900,000 in his bank account. And we went house shopping.

He contracted to buy a magnificent home for 1.1million

As the contract went unconditional he suffered a massive panic episode that overrhanging police charges may proceed and would ruin his life and work.

He came to me at 4 am and said he had lost everything to gambling.

This was the start of the nightmare.   He has now clocked up 1.6million to the online betting agency and has 4 credit cards maxed out. Total 120,000.  He owes me 200,000 and the tax office 200,000 and has a 900,000 mortgage.

From the beginning I observed he never carried any paper cash, only coins from his petty cash at work.  He could not walk past any money I left on my dresser or counter without commenting on it and telling me to put it away.  Very odd.

I now realise he lives his whole life on credit and regarding the beautiful  gifts he gave me at the beginning of the romance, he tried to win back the amount he spent so that he wouldn't be out of pocket?

This is what he was doing when he started the catastrophic gambling spree, trying to win back the amount he spent on my xmas present that year so he wouldnt be out of pocket.

So so weird, offensive, insulting, warped

I no longer feel special when I wear this jewellery

Anyway i have to go now but i am resolved not to enable anymore toxic behaviour

The amount of money he has lost is an absolute tragedy because he works incredibly hard and never takes a holiday.

Being a good doctor is the only good he sees in himself

He has expected me to sell my house but i have  made it clear that will never happen

Bye for now

[cleotokos]

This is a very interesting topic. My mom was very shrewd and is a money hoarder. She seemed to equate being poor with being a good person, for some reason. And constantly concerned and paranoid about being "ripped off". Even by me at 6 years old, when such a thing would never even have occurred to me. I was always a suspect if anything was amiss. She always feels like she's being taken advantage of, financially speaking. She was very responsible with money, however we lived on welfare and there was absolutely never anything left over after basic expenses. But she was very strange, like if I asked to have a friend over for dinner she would get mad and say she couldn't afford to feed all my "stupid little friends". No matter if their family had me over for dinner the night previous. And, preoccupied with buying "cheap" things - doesn't matter if it's ___ quality, cause it was cheap!

Fast forward to recent years, and I've borrowed some money from her so I could go to school (she received over $150k inheritance from her aunt and her mother, which she has shared none of with her children, despite the fact that her parents provided for her and helped her financially all her life. I don't really care as much as my brother does). It's a constant source of friction for her. Whenever we fight about anything now, she tries to say it's because I resent her for lending me money. Say whaaa? She keeps saying this often happens when people lend money, the lendee begins to hate the lender. It's just such a huge deal for her, and she will always bring it up like I've somehow taken advantage or abused her (her favorite position to be in - constant victim of some evil person or another). But she makes it like I'm the one who has an issue - I never bring it up or even think about it much. Yes, I appreciate that she was able to help me. But I feel like she's not ok with it, but she tries to make it like it's ME who's not ok with it. It's just so confusing. Anyway, the bottom line is, she's always been very strange about money.

[OnlyChild]

This is an interesting subject.  I have to agree about the terrible money management.    I started working at age 13.  I had to buy my own clothes, even though my dad was paying child support.  My uBPD mom worked in clothing stores, and was very attractive.  She did some modeling and could not resist buying the outfits she modeled---including the $1000 dress she once displayed.   We would share frozen dinners, worked in restaurants and got the free meal on our shifts, and she never had any qualms about pocketing some creamers if she went out to eat. 

I had saved up a little bit of money to pay for some college.   However, my senior year of high school, "we" were "a little tight for the taxes," and "mommy needed a loan," from my college fund. 

She always "had" to get special herbals that her health insurance would not cover, and would play the victim about why her credit card bill was always beyond reach.  "It's because insurance doesn't understand my special (medical) condition."   

Then she would get so depressed about all the bills that she needed to buy herself something nice.   

A never-ending cycle.   

I've found now that I cannot stand not to have a healthy savings account of money I will likely never spend.   However, that balance provides me with a sense of security and control over something I never felt secure about.  (I'm the same way about having an extra bale of toilet paper.  Ran out of that once too due to financial problems.   Not going back there again!)   

[Free One]

In fact I don't think any of the sagas I have described would have happened if we were well-off. I'm not exaggerating.

In my experience, it's never enough. Money can't meet emotional needs, so the spending only increases as the income does. In fact, I think it makes it worse because the sense of entitlement becomes stronger with more money.

[Katherine1204]

Wow, I nearly laughed when I read this.  I completely get it.  My mom is a classic BPD charlatan.  She's had some part-time work bookeeping, but could never keep a job.  She extorted insane amounts of money from my father after they divorced when I was a baby through settlements and child support that were far beyond necessity.  

The college accounts set up with my dad's money when my sister and I were babies were even transferred to her control.  Those accounts were trusts that would pass to our control on our 21st birthdays; she seized the assets of each account shortly before our birthdays.  After cashing the accounts out using our names, we had to deal with an IRS catastrophe as they thought we were hiding assets.  We never saw a dime.  

Inheritances from various relatives also helped to supplement her lifestyle of constant shopping, home renovation, and jobless state.  I'll never understand how she does it, but she can sniff money out no matter where it is, and she never feels guilty for taking it.  She justifies her stealing by saying that she's worked hard (at what, I couldn't tell you) and that she deserves the money.

It's unfathomable to us, but a way of life for many BPD's.  When lying and cognitive dissonance are a norm, stealing is probably a natural impulse.

[Louise7777]

BPDS approach: "What is mine is mine, what is yours is ours."

Aint that adorable? 

[skelly_bean]

Wow, I feel less alone now. Recently my grandfather passed away, leaving a *substantial* amount of money in my mother's name, with instructions to split five ways. She has held that inheritance over our head for about 10 years. Whenever we disagreed with her about anything she'd say "You're not going to see a penny of your grandfather's inheritance!"

Now she's got the inheritance, she's too "sensitive" to discuss money matters. If I see a cent of my 50,000.00 inheritance I will be amazed.

The worst part is that I know it will be gone in a matter of years, if that. And then she will be absolutely destitute. My grandfather supported her for her whole life. She will spend it all and then will actually be homeless. And guess who's going to have to pay for her old folks home.

Makes me so mad I can't even think about it.

[Louise7777]

Skelly, did u ever spoke about it with an attorney?

[leftbehind]

My exBPDbf went bankrupt before I met him, so there's definitely a history of financial irresponsibility/impulsivity there.

[skelly_bean]

Cristina,

No, I haven't... . Honestly thinking about it makes me want to smash everything. The idea of taking the money from my mother by force seems just as horrible as not getting any money at all. In the former, I'll feel guilty about it forever. In the latter, I'll feel ripped off forever.

The tricky part is that she literally has no money of her own. Once that money is gone, she's homeless. At least if she keeps the money it will keep her afloat for a little while.

:'( I hate this stupid situation

[Themis]

I hate mothers like that.   

I know my own isn't going to split things right. I don't want to say too much here, but just know I understand.

They need a punch in the face really. Nothing excuses this rubbish.

[slimmiller]

The worst part is that I know it will be gone in a matter of years, if that. And then she will be absolutely destitute. My grandfather supported her for her whole life. She will spend it all and then will actually be homeless. And guess who's going to have to pay for her old folks home.

Makes me so mad I can't even think about it.

You should talk to an attorney about it. This kind of blackmail, damned if you do, damned if you dont is cruel.

Dont think that you are obligated to pay for her care in her old age (old folks home etc). If she is destitute the state will probably pick up the tab. Granted the care will be run of the mill, no frills but avoiding that is HER responsibility by planning now. Not yours.

I am not an expert but maybe if you talk to an expert (attorney/financial planner) it will put your mind at ease and lessen the stress

[skelly_bean]

Thanks Themis and Slimmiller,

I have a friend who's father in a lawyer, I'll ask him what he thinks. Thanks for the advice.

[Louise7777]

Skelly, Im sorry you are caught in this situation. I understand the gult you feel, seems theres no good way out. You have to find the best of 2 evils. But if you put your emotions aside a bit, you´ll be able to deal with it rationally.

For example, imagine a friend of yours in your shoes. What advice would you give her?

Its good to talk to a finances planner also, and an attorney. There are ways to deal with it, even if you have to go to court to be her "tutor". Not sure whats the right expression, but if granted, you´ll be the one dealing with her money issues. I hope you dont have to go that far, but if shes so irresponsible with money, a judge will interfere, I believe.

Good luck! 

[eagerowl]

I have very similar issues with my uBPDm.  She was born into a wealthy family and I think that established expectations of being taken care of, enabled her to never bother with managing her money as there was always an older relative to bail her out as well as making her depressed about not having the same type of lifestyle (although she never did anything with herself to try to achieve it on her own). 

When my grandfather died, he left her a large sum of money and she was very aggressive towards his ex-wife and the executor to get the money to her ASAP... .  I remember even at my young age being embarrassed by it.  Well, she went through it in no time flat... .  bought a house, new car and furnished the place.  This wasn't too bad but each time I would visit her she would have a different new car and totally replaced the furniture over and over again.  I finally told her how much money she is throwing away each time she traded in a 3-month old car for a new one and she said it was her money and she'll do with it what she wants.  I really think she thought it would last forever and she would be dead before she went broke... .  that was about 15 years ago and she's been broke for the last 13 of them!

So she is now in an assisted living facility paid for by the state.  No assets and her only income is social security but she can't be bothered to manage her money so I do it for her as she will only create problems for herself.  I pay her rent and the few bills she has and give her a cash allowance as she can't be trusted with a credit card.

I guess the relevant point is that I'm able to help "manage" her and NOT be on the hook for paying for her care.  I don't think legally you would be required to (they do not consider my assets or income in determining her need for assistance)... .  but it's far more tricky to maintain the boundary of not subsidizing her lifestyle to make up for her mistakes of the past. 

[Cordelia]

And guess who's going to have to pay for her old folks home.

You do not!  I was terrified of this for many years.  My mom also ran through her inheritance - not millions or anything but real estate and accounts that would have left her comfortable for the rest of her life if properly managed.  She spent it splurging on foolish things and it was gone within a few years.  But I realized that this is not my problem to solve.  I didn't mismanage her money - she did.  Her choices = her consequences to deal with.  I'm sad for her that she lost her opportunity to be financially solvent.  But I will not sacrifice my own family's financial well being to compensate her for her mistakes.  Heck, I wouldn't do it for someone who treated me kindly.  How much less so someone who has done me more harm than good.  

And get a lawyer to make sure you get what's rightfully yours before she spends it!  Sue if you have to!  You know she would do it to you if the tables were turned!  If the will is through probate, that money is yours and if she's holding onto it, that's theft.  The law will be on your side.  

I have very similar issues with my uBPDm.  She was born into a wealthy family and I think that established expectations of being taken care of, enabled her to never bother with managing her money as there was always an older relative to bail her out as well as making her depressed about not having the same type of lifestyle (although she never did anything with herself to try to achieve it on her own).  

My mother's family was dirt poor and she has the same expectations!  I think it's more BPD than family background.  

No assets and her only income is social security but she can't be bothered to manage her money so I do it for her as she will only create problems for herself.  I pay her rent and the few bills she has and give her a cash allowance as she can't be trusted with a credit card.

This is really the best case scenario for BPDs I think.  If I had the money to take care of my mom the way I would like to, I would set up a trust for her and have a lawyer disburse her a limited amount for expenses, with rent, electric, all other fixed expenses paid by the trust.  (I would still be NC on a personal level.)  You can't give full control over money to a BPD any more than you can to a six year old.  They really have to be treated like the children they are mentally.  The best thing for them would be to have their money managed by someone else, someone they don't know and can't manipulate, so it's preserved to maintain them in a decent way.  They have such a powerful urge for financial self-destruction, having money is such a trap for them. 

[Neverknow]

Well, if by "strange approach," you mean epically overblown sense of entitlement, then that sounds like my ex.  If you mean without even rudimentary ability to budget/plan/save, I'd say sounds familiar.

In my experience, the BPD will approach a person's financial resources the same way they approach their emotional resources - i.e., they will sucketh dry.

This.  I found out too late, that my x BPD w, was a serial gold digger.  The second the money got used up, or dried up, she started looking for the next ride.  It's all about needs, not love.  She was just wired that way, and didn't know the difference.

[Supersaddaughter]

For my mother money is a way to control people.

I started to earn and save my own money when I was 12 and my mother immediately began all sorts of drama to control that money.  Sobbing and screaming that the bank was going to take our house if I didn't 'loan' her my money.  (Realy a 12 year old earns enough babysitting money to keep the banks at bay?) This was accompanied by demands for extravagent gifts and rejection of any gifts I did buy as not being good enough.  Also, she did not buy stuff for me that she would buy for my sisters, like clothes.  She would also rage at me for being selfish if bought things for myself - when I was 19 she flipped out at my selfishness for buying a pair of eyeglasses when my prescription had changed crying and sobbing that I should have bought something nice for her and my dad instead.

I grew up believing that my parents were on the verge of bankrupcy.  I learned to hide my bankbooks and paystubs because if she found out I had any money the bullying to 'loan' her the money would never stop.  It also became apparent that when I gave her money she was spending it on herself or my sisters.  Occassionally I'd get some of the money back, but not much.  The older and more independent I became the worse it got.  When I was 18 she bullied me into loaning her the money I had earned to pay my college tuition.  She and my father beat me when I demanded it back. 

When I moved out of the house, living on my own, working and paying my own way through University, I made the mistake of telling her I was going on a trip so she knew I had a little extra money.  Her harassing calls for money got to the point where I stopped answering my home phone.  So, she hunted me down at my job in the federal government (not an easy thing to do) and started harassing me at work.  Everyone in the office could hear what was going on and my boss took me into her office and told me that this wasn't normal behaviour and that my mom was out of line.  I was completely humiliated at the time, but now I'm thankful.  Although I didn't give her the money, shortly after my trip she was flush with cash again.

My mother used money as control completely differently with my sisters.  She would buy them stuff as a way to enmesh them.  Here's a classic example of our family dynamics.   A few years ago my husband and I were going on a trip with our sons.  We often travelled with my sister and her kids but this was going to cost more money.  So my mother offered to pay for my sister and her kids. My husband asked me why I wasn't resentful that my mother would pay for my sister's trip and not mine, and my reply had been... .  there are always strings attached.  So at the last minute,  my mother whipped out a list of demands that my sister and I had to meet or else my sister wouldn't get the money.  What my mother hadn't anticipated was that this threat really had no power over my husband and I.   Well, the emotional blackmail started all of over again.  But, this time instead of the bank and bankrupcy it was going to be my fault that my mother was taking away my sister's trip.  My sister bent over backwards to fulfill my mother's needs and yes, I played along to  little and she got the money.  Because I hadn't been fully cooperative, my mother also made a point of giving an excessive amount of spending money for my kids, my sisters kids, and my sister - but not a dime for my husband and I - which we pretended not to notice.

Eventually my parents's demand for money weakened.  However, it went through a resurgence when I began to go low contact with them.  The phone calls began again with demands that I owe them, that I should be taking them out for dinner and trips, and buying nice things for them, that I should be supporting them.  My father was literally yelling at me that I HAD to tell him how much money I earned, that I had NO RIGHT to keep this a secret from him. This was accompanied by condemnation on spending money on ourselves while denying my parents the the financial support they deserved.  This drives me crazy because my husband and I are financially secure because we live a very frugal lifestyle.  Meanwhile my parents continue to make foolish financial decisions and want me to support them in a lifestyle I can't afford for myself.

What was really interesting is that when I stood firm and even pushed back by confronting them with some of the issues we have had with finances in the past... .  they denied everything.  They tried playing the victim but my siblings confirmed that what I was saying was true.  So, then they wrote a letter denying everything but offering me a substantial amount of money in order to 'make me happy'.  I never replied to the letter. This also led to share with other people that the real problem in our relationship is that I'm in financial difficulty.

I haven't even gone into all the times my father has tried to get me to invest in his latest 'multilevel' marketing business. Or, When I tried to convince them not to respond to the Nigerian lawyer who was going to make them rich if they helped him get money out of Nigeria.  Or, how my mother continued to write cheques illegally from my grandfather's bank account after he was dead so that she could be the hero and pay for her sister's travel expenses to come to the funeral; and the drama when this 'right' was taken away from her when her other siblings informed the bank of my grandfather's death.  Oh wait, I haven't even started on the fights over money whenever a family member dies. 






 

Wow.   I’m sorry you were treated like that.  My bpd mother would just take my paychecks when I was 14-18.  Sometimes I wish they could be held accountable for all the messed up stuff they did to their kids.

[Nickerdoodle]

I use to babysit for money when I was young.  I was known as the responsible one with no social life so if you needed a sitter I just might be available.  Can't tell you how many times a neighbor would come back over with my pay and my mother would say to them Oh, you don't need to pay her.  Guess what?  Some of them didn't.  How about them apples?