pwBPD and presents/gifts

[trevjim]

This is a bit random but I thought I would ask, what are your experiences on recieving presents or gifts from your BPD on times like birthdays?

I always found the items I got to be very good and thoughtful and was very impressed. That suprised me thinking back on it, because it just doesn't seem a BPD behaviour.

[bb12]

my experience was the opposite

would burn music for me that started out personalised... .  and related to our situation. But then would just be random songs that had nothing to do with me or anything we'd discussed. And for my birthday I received a book called Twitterature... .  about Twitter and funny new expressions emerging from social media. We had never, ever discussed Twitter. I don't have a Twitter account. And both of us barely use other social media. Just a strange, random, thoughtless, cheap gift.

bb12

[AllyCat7]

Mine was better about it in the beginning before he knew he had won me over but got really bad at it after that point. When we would go out, though, he would pay for dinner (but we didn't go out all that much since it was a long distance relationship).

[sunrising]

For Valentine's day last year, I made my exwBPD a rather detailed and animated power point presentation explaining why and how I loved her and her son.  I had dinner made when she got home from work, with flowers and cupcakes (her favorite).  She did nothing for me.  Valentines day is for women anyway.

The year before though, for Valentines day, she really hooked me up.  She had a rather extensive boudoir photo shoot done with some incredibly sexy pictures of herself.  This was done "for me".  The catch?  All the photos were posted to Facebook before I even got prints so she could get all the "oohs and aahs" from other guys.    Kinda took the romance right out of it... .  

sunrising

[mango_flower]

Awesome gifts (until I was replaced by new girl)

Scrapbooks made of pictures/photos/emails of the two of us

Flowers sent to work "just because!

Beautiful long emails

Computer presentations with cute quotes

Little things just bought for me that she saw and thought I'd appreciate

Until we had just split up - she still gave me my Christmas presents.

One eyeshadow, I commented "wow, awesome, this is supposed to be a good shade for my eye colour!"

And she replied "Yeah, cos you have blue eyes!"

Ermmm... .  no, I have green eyes, a very unusual shade. And she knows this, as we often talked about whether our future offspring would have my green eyes if I was the one who physically carried the baby.

Her new girlfriend at that time had blue eyes though... .  OUCH.

[AllyCat7]

All the photos were posted to Facebook before I even got prints so she could get all the "oohs and aahs" from other guys.    Kinda took the romance right out of it... .  

Wow, that sucks!

[GustheDog]

I received many, very meaningful, gifts from my exBPDgf.  They were incredibly thoughtful, as well as useful, and it was clear she invested a great deal of energy into them.

I almost wish they'd been terrible.  Some of them I can't justify replacing because they're just too darn nice - e.g., my wallet and a leather, inscribed portfolio that I use everyday at work.  Some of my best-fitting, nicest clothes came from her as well.  The love letters and cards, etc., however, I have of course stowed away out of sight.

[fakename]

I never got any presents. Except for maybe protein vitamins. She would bring my mom stuff like chocolate or other food.

I bought her plenty of stuff. Maybe cause I made myself as no challenge to her to win over.  A simple guy. Or maybe cause I was just a rebound guy or someone to keep her warm until her exes would take her back. She bought then nice things.

I put myself in the situation that I did. All I know is never again.

[ScotisGone74]

In the first year and a half mine got me some really thoughtful and nice gifts that I would have never asked her to get me, even told her to take them back at some point because I didn't want her spending too much on me.  They seem to do this very early on in the relationship. She even got my kid really nice things, you can't help but to like someone who does nice things like that.  All of these gifts served her well in being able to lay down a blanket of blame and guilt on me later.  She would make beautiful cards, letters, poems, and writings about me or us.  She new that I had a child and was not the richest person in the world, which explains to me why she always flaunted about how her family was soo wealthy, how she could buy me or us whatever we wanted.  Thats part of what made the idealization stage soo great and all part of how they hook us.  Honestly I could have cared less about how much money she had or didn't have, it was never about the money.  In the closing last months I got her a pricey coffee maker to replace her's she didn't even say thank you for.  In the end she got defensive in making me pay for many of the times we would go out to eat at expensive places. Whatever you get, be prepared to pay 10x back whatever you received, and not all in dollars either.  I've put away the cards and letters, clothes, and boots, but debate over burning them all, I have held off soo far on doing that, but its coming.

[FogLight]

My BPDex bought me really expensive gifts, which usually meant I would be bailing her out of some kind of debt shortly thereafter.  She didn't seem to give the gifts out of love, but rather as a means to get my approval in some weird paternal way.  However, I do believe she tried hard to make me happy in the gift giving department, and she seemed to put more thought into it than anyone I've ever met.  As a matter of fact, this is one area I could have done better at on my end, because I rarely got her anything in terms of gifts.

[trampledfoot]

Generally awful awful gifts.  A lot of time I got clothes which were not really my style at all.  Also I am a very thoughtfull gift giver  I would write her long hand written cards, letters, or even write her songs.

She rarely gave me cards a few times to start out but not after that just no card evers or "i got you a card but didnt fill it out"

[GustheDog]

The preceding posts made me realize I forgot to add my contributions.  This doesn't affect the fact that she did give me very nice gifts, but . . .

In addition to giving her what I could afford and make special for ordinary birthdays/holidays/etc., I laid out about $20K over the last 3 months of our r/s or so.  I bought her/us a boat, jewelry, a Prada handbag, an expensive trip, an engagement ring that she asked for, a very expensive bottle of wine, gift certificates for a day spa and maid service, and a round trip plane ticket - that she told me to buy to come visit her - for a flight that I never boarded because she cut me out of her life.

None of it was her problem, she wasn't sorry, wouldn't talk about it, and I was selfish, controlling, and didn't "treat her well."

[fakename]

Gus you can buy me a boat any day

[GustheDog]

Gus you can buy me a boat any day

Noted! ^^^

I should qualify - it's actually a SeaDoo.  We used to rent them from a marina nearby and had lots of fun.  I wanted a "real boat," but she wanted one of these.  So I got that instead.  We used it once and then she dumped me.

So now I have this thing sitting in a storage locker for $80/mo.  I frequently forget that I own it.  But who knows - it might be fun to use with some normal people this summer.

[fakename]

Amazing how they can't appreciate anything any longer than in the moment itself.

I wonder if that's partially why my ex was big on trying to live in the 'present'

All her eckhart tolle BS and it still didn't stop her from being evil

[imstronghere2]

The only brand new vehicle I've ever bought in my life, I bought for my exwBPD and watched her drive away in it when she moved out with a smile on her face.  She never held a job the entire 19 years we were married.  Her reasons for leaving?  She didn't feel appreciated and I didn't cherish her enough.   

[thicker skin]

My SO didn't really see the point. He wasn't/isn't what I'd call the sort to invest by way of gifts. My birthday was tough for a few years because my twin died in a road accident and we buried him on Valentines Day, so a bit of thought would have gone a long way on those special days. He did used to ask me how much I wanted on my birthday and I'd usually say £20 but feel guilty  

We separated for a while and after that, his gift giving was thoughtful. The last Christmas present I received was a beautiful ring. I made the mistake of taking it off to do some gardening and didn't wear it for a couple of days ( I didn't want to fill the setting with mud or scratch it ) but that offended him and he confiscated it, saying that I wasn't wearing it properly and I'd disrespecting him. He said that he'd paid for it, so it was his anyway. It rather took the shine off of the prettiest thing he'd ever given me.

I once surprised him, out of the blue, just because he'd said he wanted a certain power tool. I thought he'd be pleased, but he shouted and swore at me for doing it, wanting to know why?

Lessons learned

[healingmyheart]

For our first year together, my ex BPD boyfriend would get me a card, flowers and dark chocolate (My favorite) every month to honor our monthly anniversary which was on the 1st. 

At our one year anniversary, he gave me a journal book whereby he outlined everything we had done together that first year including our tickets to concerts, etc.  It also included all the poetry he had written about me... .  it was very, very personal and thoughtful and I loved it. 

He always gave great gifts... .  at Christmas I felt like he went above and beyond.  This Christmas we decided not to really exchange gifts because we were going to take scuba diving classes after the first of the year and it was going to cost at least $300-400 each to get equipment.  So, I got him one gift for $100 and few little things to honor our previous agreement not to spend a lot on each other.  He, on the other hand spent way too much money and seemed to disregard our agreement.  Interestingly, Jan. 3rd was when he started contact with two other women... .  wonder if he was upset about my lack of gifts.  I wonder if that was the trigger.  To make up for it, I went out and bought us an apple laptop but by then, it was too late.  I really felt bad that he spent more than me but I was just doing what we agreed to.  I really do think it bothered him... .  maybe he was feeling like I didn't think he was worthy of gifts... .  idk

[trevjim]

Seems like there is no real pattern here, some got great gifts, some not so good. As some have said, it could certainly be a living in the moment thing for them.

Thank you all for your input, it wasn't really a detachment thread, I was more curious than anything

[Leaf]

On the first birthday after I met my BPD/NBPxbf I got some standard jewelry. He sort of told me later he 'always' got something like that for his girlfriends and I remembered wondering if he gave them the exact same thing, and that wearing it would be like wearing his 'mark'. He gave it to me in a very public place, it wasn't expensive but he put it in an official jewelry box, wanted people to see he was handing out jewelry apparently.

On the second birthday I got nothing because he said he didn't know what to buy me, he didn't ask either. I guess he took me out to dinner or something.

Third birthday he didn't know what to buy me either, but he said I could choose something and he would pay for it. So I chose something that was about the value of two birthdays, about $120. After I broke up with him he acted as if I had conned him out of that present, as if I he had just given it to me when in fact my birthday was months, months and months ago. He was really indignant, thought I should give it back.

I got flowers now and then. In hindsight I'm suspicious about that because I found out about one occasion where flowers were directly related to cheating.

What really irritated me was that he did get presents for other people, was very thoughtful about that, sometimes he got things I would have liked also. I remember one time when we were on holiday I was looking around in a shop and I was happy because he came in and looked around as well for a change, like normal people! Turned out the only reason he came into the shop was to buy a present for an ex of his, someone who's important for his 'I'm a great guy' facade. He later broke the thing I bought.

And like some of your exes he himself preferred expensive things. I have my own business so I have saved some money for my pension and hard times, but he had better ideas about how to spend it. I did buy a brand new car which he drove but it was in my name so I'm driving it now. He also wanted me to buy an even better car, a boat, a house abroad, etc. I wasn't going to but he never stopped trying to brainwash me into it.

I've always enjoyed shopping for presents for other people, but because he was so controlling all the time I never got around to much shopping. Once we were on our way to a birthday and I hadn't had a chance to get a present yet and he raged about how I didn't care about other people and that he on the other hand was always very thoughtful and gave people presents. He got so angry he threatened to throw me out of my own car.

This is longer than I planned. It's good to write this down, I tend to forget exactly how bad it was.  

[healingmyheart]

I returned all the jewelry back to my ex that he gave me in the two relationship.  NOt expensive jewelry but I didn't want it anymore.  I knew I wouldn't wear it and it just felt right to return it.  He can sell it or do whatever he wishes but I didn't want to give him yet another reason to devalue me by keeping something.

[Leaf]

Like Trevjim I don't see a clear pattern in this thread. I think my ex would have gotten me birthday presents if he knew what to get. And my non-BPD ex before that often didn't give me birthday presents either. But while I was writing that post something in the back of my mind was making me very angry. I think I just connected the dots... .  

Third birthday he didn't know what to buy me either, but he said I could choose something and he would pay for it. So I chose something that was about the value of two birthdays, about $120. After I broke up with him he acted as if I had conned him out of that present, as if I he had just given it to me when in fact my birthday was months, months and months ago. He was really indignant, thought I should give it back.

To my surprise at the time he told me a $ 120 present was okay (much more than he would have spend normally), I think it was like the flowers. He had done something behind my back with someone else and the expensive present was payment to make me stay. I didn't know about that arrangement of course. But because I broke up with him over cheating, he thinks I broke the six months old arrangement I didn't know we had. So I have to give it back, something like that. Not going to! 

[gettingoverit]

My ex was awesome at giving gifts, I'll give her that, she knew how to pick just the right gift. Wish I was as good as she was. I will say however, sometimes my ex would give me a gift that clearly showed she had no idea who I really was.  . I of course loved the gifts because I knew she bought them out of love (at least at the time anyway). The other thing is that my ex had champagne taste on a water budget, so she knew all the high end stuff, what looked good, what worked with this outfit and that etc. and had no problem going into debt over it. Our first Christmas together she went way overboard when it came to gifts. She went into serious debt over that (something I never wanted). Eventually her spending habits and debt became an ongoing issue between us. It got so bad that she even started lying about how much money she earned, spent, she started hiding things from me etc. It got really bad. After all that transpired, I didn't really want her to spend any money on gifts for me, because I was paying for it anyway, and I couldn't really afford it. I was already working 7 days a week. It sure was fun at the beginning though, I'm not gonna lie.

[drv3006]

I received nothing and did not see him on special days.   By thanksgiving he quit calling, Christmas not a word, New Years, not a word.   All I got from him was grief.  He did call Valentine's Day, and he gave me the low down on his lousy sad life, told me he just wanted me to be available.  I hung up and now he's gone.   Who knows what I will get from him in the next day, week, month or year.  But I am giving him nothing.    He exhausts me.     Sorry if this post is kinda snotty, I just am upset that I even talked to him for two more weeks out of my life.   

[laidee]

My H isn't really big on gift/card giving. 1st anniversary... .  a card a month early, and then a bottle of perfume around the actual anniversary. But it wasn't something I would ever wear or had worn before, even tho i've told him before what my favorite perfume is. Past 2 V-days... .  nothing. Altho this last v-day he said he had bought flowers for me, but that night his car was out of commission, and yea... .  never saw any flowers. 2nd anniversary... .  nothing. Not even a 99cent card. Just heard complaints about how broke he was that he couldn't get me anything. But in the weeks to follow... .  noticed he had new shoes, and he even mentioned he wanted to go shopping for himself. So I never really expected anything gifts from him. Not ones based on my likes anyways.

[Thyrsos]

My exBPDgf was completely rubbish at giving gifts.

If she even got you one there was no thought behind it what so ever.

I actually pride myself in giving wellthought gifts to people, and are quite known amongst friends and family to get nice gifts.

Preferably something useful and with some story behind it.

And I actually brought my exBPDgf to tears once with a gift when she was going away for a while, and she said it was the most consideret(is that how you spell it... .  ?) thing anyone has done for her.

But that did'nt stop her from splitting me and painting me black as night not even two weeks later... .  

[wanttoknowmore]

I agree trevgym. My pwBPD gave me very deep and meaningfull cards. She knew I like to read a lot so she gifted me Kindle Fire on Christmas.

To protect me from car accidents, she gifted me blue tooth ear phones.

She gifted me gym clothes as I enjoy gym workout.

They are wonderful when they are in love with you. I think thats why it hurts when theu suddenly break up. I see these gifts and tears come out of my eyes. I can not even throw these gifts as memories are so beautiful.

I want to hang on to our lovely pictures and her gifts.

[gina louise]

my HUSBAND was horrible at giving gifts but demanding about getting them.

he would routinely buy things he(or his kids) wanted-and use them before or after gifting them-buy his friend a book or DVD HE wanted and then ask to borrow it , or worse he'd READ the book FIRST.

nutty. complete and utter selfishness.

never good for sentiments, cards, romance... .  EVER. So- no flowers, chocolates, jewelry, lingerie... .  ever.

he bought me MEN'S slippers for one Xmas.     I returned them. if that's not a slam, I dunno what is.

also he was good at taking something personal of mine-and making it HIS. My new pillow, electric toothbrush, fuzzy socks... .  if he wanted it, it became his.

GL

[Leaf]

I bought my ex a 'How to control a woman' remote control once. He said it didn't work.