Recognition of BPD by others

[trampledfoot]

How common is it for others close to a BPD to be able to notice that a BPD has a disorder or a problem?  BAsically how close do you have to be with a BPD in order to see the traits and qualities and be effected by their disorder.  I am fairly certain that for the most part her friends do not think she has any issues is this because she is not close enough to them? At what relationship level will the symptoms manifest themselves to others in their life?

[GustheDog]

I knew she had "issues" a few months into our r/s; however, I had no idea of the full scope of those issues, or that they'd spell the tormenting demise of the r/s, until 2.5 years later.

Anyone who spends real time with her for more than a few months - platonic friends as well as romantic partners - no something's up.  Probably why she has few, if any, real, long-term friendships.

Her family know "how she is," obviously, but unfortunately they do not really see it as anything other than her being "sensitive" or "emotional."  They don't understand, even in the middle of being abused, that it's a serious mental illness.  Then again, 80% of her family members are also BPD.

[lonestar3]

Obviously this will depend largely on the situation.  For myself, I was fortunate enough to (1) have my gf tell me most of her medical/psych history (minus BPD), then (2) I was seeing a psychologist who was able to diagnose her BPD based on the info she gave me.  Probably a unique situation, but goes to show that there's no sure timeframe. 

[hithere]

Most people don't care enough to really let it effect them.  People with BPD seem to be toughest on those closest to them, for everyone else they just stay in a casual friendship with them or lose them.

[lonestar3]

hithere, that is so true.  To the casual observer, I think it just comes off as moodiness or being overly emotional. 

[dawnjd]

With my BPDso, others mentioned that my SO had 'issues' after we were well into the relationship and committed with a child. I honestly think that some of his closest people, like his mom (who has issues of her own), were hoping someone could come along and 'fix' him. She often tells me, "You are a stronger woman than me! Good Luck."   

[trampledfoot]

Mine Ex gf would always say things like "I am only like this around you... .  you make me this way I am a positive person unless I am around you"

[andywho]

Only one i know of that noticed that my GF had some issues was my mother. And i guess the only reason she noticed was that for a period of a year we had to live at my mothers place while our new house was built.

Apart from that most of her friendships tends to be very sporadic or are long distance friendships with friends she only meet and spend time with for a couple of days each time.

When it comes to her own family... .  we live very far away from them and she moved out from home and to here when she was only 15 years old. So she only see them a couple of times a year, but she have a very good realationship with them. So they really dont see how troubled she can be at times.

But i know that especially her mother know that my GF can react very overly emotional to things that happens... .  but she more handle it like "thats just how she is".

So in my experience very few ever notice.

[goldylamont]

my ex i believe to be pretty high functioning. i knew initially that she had a past of psychological issues (depression, eating disorder, self confidence, etc.), but this mostly seemed to be something from her adolescent/high school years from over a decade ago. more of a "dark past" that she was mostly out of and currently managing (actually this could be the case). i would give it about 2-4 months before the first time she acted weird/ignored me at a party, so i leave without saying goodbye (there wasn't an argument) and then she runs to catch me on the street and begs me not to go. so probably a few months before the first sign of push/pull and abandonment issues. major jealousy, accusations of lying about other women, allegations of cheating, probably about 6 months in. but, really it stayed at about this level for about 3 years i would say. the last year (4th) when we were living together things really started cooking especially in the last 6 months. don't get me wrong i actually enjoyed living with her most of the time i don't think moving in triggered anything but perhaps allowed for more interaction, etc.

even though i knew she had a past of issues and felt they affected the r/s. I would say the worst of it started almost 3 1/2 years later. and then the whole enchilada (perhaps not as bad as other's experiences here) after we broke up right at about 4 yrs. hope this helps.

[HarmKrakow]

I knew she had issues, she wanted to marry a man who sexually abused her, but I thought I was superman and capable of rescuing her.

LOL, what a fool I was.

[hellokitty4]

Mine Ex gf would always say things like "I am only like this around you... .  you make me this way I am a positive person unless I am around you"

My close friend would say "I can only say these things to you because you know me." or "I have never been jealous the way I am when it comes to you." or "No one knows me the way you do." or "I am not like this."  These are all true.  It's difficult because I see the side that no one else does.  It feels like two different people. The only other person who noticed something off with her is my mother.  She met her once and my mother immediately told me that there was something about her being clingy and needy.  I eventually told my mother the other half of it. Our mutual friends have no clue.

[goldylamont]

trampledfoot i should add that i don't think any of her friends had noticed, but i'm not sure. i can say that i thought that her issues were only with people who she was seeing romantically (i.e. boyfriends). however a year after we break up her roomate/ex-friend (a woman) calls me needing to talk. they had been fighting, horrible fights i hear, and her friend is telling me she thinks "something is wrong with her". i was surprised b/c i didn't think this would spill over to platonic r/s, but apparently they can. maybe it was b/c they lived together so the roommate could really see who she was. i'm of several things happening over the past few months--a fist-fight, food strewn on the floor, knives left stabbed in boxes of cereal on the counter? my ex never acted like this when i was around (other forms of abuse was more to her liking with me i guess, hah! 

i don't think any of her friends (what little she has) or mine would notice though. i do have an ex-coworker friend of mine (woman) who was friends with my ex too. after our breakup she remained friendly with both of us (i was fine with this). but recently i went out to lunch with my ex-coworker and she just tells me "i just want you to know that i choose you." and i'm like "what do you mean?". she just says she's busy and doesn't really have time to hang around my ex-gf, and that when she did meet up with my ex and heard her side of the story, that she felt my ex didn't take any responsibility for any of the r/s issues. it felt kind of like she's giving my ex the cold shoulder? it didn't hit me until afterwards, but now i'm thinking, what the hell did my ex tell my friend about me? i want to ask my ex-coworker now, i'm willing to bet something my ex said about me was maybe offensive or just didn't fit up to what my ex-coworker knows about me as a person. she has no reason to not like my ex as far as i know so i don't know what changed--i'm saying all of this to say that i think some people, even same sex platonic friends, i suppose can notice that "something is wrong" but probably not to the degree that we know. i knew and live with my ex for years, it wasn't until her roommate contacted me a year later that i figured out what BPD really is. these BPD'ers are wily sleuths!

[v123uf4]

For the most part, my ex would only show his BPD symptoms around me, and around the people he worked with. Occasionally with his family but never with mine.

[v123uf4]

Mine Ex gf would always say things like "I am only like this around you... .  you make me this way I am a positive person unless I am around you"

My ex claimed that I emasculated him, made him feel stupid, on and on... .  and that is why he behaved the way he did around me. His behavior was entirely my fault.

[inepted]

From what I noticed with my pwBPD, before she was diagnosed with BPD, it took about three months usually for people to start noticing the cracks in the walls, and just got tired of her negativity I think. When we were together, she almost go through these cycles to try desperately to make new friends. But Eventually I often times became closer to her friends than she would. It would start well enough, they would hang out and have fun, and then something always happened. Either they would become too busy, or she would just get tired of maintaining the friendship.

Then, immediately after we broke up, she went online to try and make new friends. Apparently she a handful of them pretty early on about her BPD. It's about a month in and it seems things are slowly starting to fizzle out with half of them. And the other half, the ones nearby her, she seems to be sleeping with currently. Im not even sure who's using who. But its only a matter of time before something happens. I feel bad for her.  She's trying so hard to pretend she's all better in front of everyone, she doesnt see the world falling apart around her.

It seems every time she goes though one of these cycles of feeling better and reaching out to meet new people, the faster people tend to notice the issues and things fall apart.

[fakename]

i'm curious, do most people with BPD complain a lot or are for the most part negative?

[inepted]

i'm curious, do most people with BPD complain a lot or are for the most part negative?

From my experience, I would say so. She would complain about everything that was wrong, and generally had a lot of negativity. Looking back, I see now how early on I was validating her feelings with out even realizing or knowing the skills at the time. When she wasn't complaining, she was taking it out on herself.

There were very few people she ever spoke positive about.

[syz]

I noticed some things after being casual friends with her for 6 months.  stipulation she feel in love with me at first sight according to her so during this time I was in a relationship.  when she finally admitted being attracted to me and of course my gf didn't want me to hang out with her then I started to notice some weirdness.  Hours of needing to process the situation and 'us' on the phone.  then I'd do that and think we'd be done and then I'd get a text and another phone call a short while later and then more talking.  AT this point my gf has justifiably had it.  As it felt to her she was trying to find excuses to have talks about our feelings for each other.  She seemed really freaked out and stressed out by the whole situation.  Way beyond what a normal friend or even one who was attracted to someone would be (I've been that person before so I know) 

So we didn't see each other again until near the end of my relationship.  Then we hung out again and it got strange again real quick.  We'd hang out, I'd think everything was fine, and then I'd get a phone call shortly after I got home going on about how she felt like crap because I said x or y or what I didn't say... .  I was too closed off, I wasn't being REAL with her.  All kinds of stuff that frustrated me. 

Don't ask why I got involved with her at all 6 months later.  But I did and regretted it because all that was just a preview. 

[Take2]

In my relationship, I noticed some odd behavior here and there, but nothing at all that signaled a true disorder until a year out - when the first intense rage occurred.

And when I told a doctor about it (as I went to get antidepressants because I was so wildly freaked out), I remember her telling me "save every single email, do not never talk to this person again, I don't want to wind up hearing about you on the news some day... .  "

At work, I know people see he has a very bad temper, but I am certain they don't think anything else.  Although then again, one time my boss said that his peers are all afraid of him - when I asked what she meant, she said "well, they think he is 'moody'".

She was obviously choosing her words carefully for me. 

His family?  I think they know but probably just ignore it.  The father was abusive verbally and physically to 2 of the 3 boys.  At least from my ex's perspective, the father and mother are the best parents in the world.  I have trouble understanding that.  He also says that his mother has always favored the middle son, the one who did not get abused, to a huge degree.  His mom only stood up for the son who did not get abused but let the other 2 get abused... .  hmmmm, can't imagine how that could cause any issues for them developmentally.

Friends?  he has like 3 friends.  2 live far away.  1 lives close by and he sees that friend regularly but that friend has issues as well.  Both very aggressive type guys but I don't think that friend (or any of those 3 friends) have any idea how disordered my ex is.

Relationships?  I think it takes about a year for the first rage to hit - and then it leaves an unsuspecting partner reeling... .   

[TigerEye]

Being a high functioning BPD my SO very rarely lets the mask slip in front of others, her family see her as an alcoholic and blame most things on that. None of her close friends are interested (as I have found out) they only want to validate their own addictions by having her join in.

[GustheDog]

i'm curious, do most people with BPD complain a lot or are for the most part negative?

She started more sentences with the words "I don't like . . ." than anyone else I've ever met.  Complaining was her hobby.

[trampledfoot]

So I have split for about 12th time with my BPD gf and I want her to get help. i begged her to go see someone while she was with me as a couples therapy she refused.  How do I get her to go see someone or have her friends recognize it and have them help her.  I know I am stuck in the rescuer mode here but I just want to see her get help. 

[lonestar3]

Trampled, sorry to be the one to tell you this but there's no way you or anyone else can *force* her to get help.  In fact, she's the only one who can seek help.  It's not a psychosis, meaning she's able to function at a high level in the real world.  The worst mistake any friend or SO of pwBPD can make is trying to play therapist or "get them into therapy."  She has to first admit that's something wrong, then 51% of her has to decide to get help.  Nothing else will make that happen.

[goldylamont]

also trampledfoot i've heard many times that therapy won't help unless the person fully admits to having an issue. even then it takes years, tens (or hundreds) of thousands of dollars. imagine going to a therapy session with your SO only to have them accuse you of being emotionally abusive and a horrible person, saying that you lied about things when you didn't, etc. going to therapy doesn't mean that the person all the sudden starts seeing the truth. often times the a person with BPD will manipulate the therapist into believing they are the victim all the time. i have limited experience doing couples therapy with my ex, i did enjoy it some b/c i feel like i had a space to say things i wanted to... .  but ultimately her behavior didn't change at all (got worse). and my ex lied about being afraid of me, and of me being emotionally abusive, etc. so whether they believe what they are saying or not therapy sessions can an expensive start of a new victim blame game.

[Setter Rob]

The closer people get to her, the more likely they are to notice. Since she is great at making casual friends on the spot, she has a huge support group for the notion that she is wonderful. She is hardest on me of course, then on her oldest and best friend (a male) and on her older brother. Both of these have told me they noticed significant increases in her difficult behavior in the last few years. She has no close girlfriends left, due to deaths and alienation, much of which was the fault of the crazy girlfriends.

Perhaps she would have been spotted by more people if she had a regular job, but one salary sufficed for a frugal childless couple.