Tired of Trying

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I am so tired of trying. I finally realized a couple of days ago that if I had stayed with my ex, that I would have opened myself up to an entire new world of pain. I was supposed to move down to another city to be with her. I was not feeling very good about it. I had been down there many times before and each time there was a ton of rage and manipulation. I started to walk on eggshells like I have never done before. I kind of checked out emotionally as I started to realize that this person was being abusive. Regardless, I went down one more time and received 4 days of abusive rage like I have never experienced before. I came back home and broke up with her a few weeks later. For the past 6 months, I have lived nothing but regret and shame and guilt. So many 'what ifs'. I felt like I lost a world that was exciting, thrilling, exciting and wonderful. I have been so consumed by self-hatred about it. I have sunk into a terrible, terrible depression. One that I can't see any light out of.

But, despite this new realization, I am so tired of working on this. Some days are OK. Some days, like today, are terrible. I am so tired to trying to be better, to not let this woman control me anymore. My therapist has been trying to drum into my mind that she was abusive with me and that I made the best choice of my life by not moving down there. That moving down there would have been the most dangerous thing I could have ever done.

There just seems to be some much work to do just to stay above water and not let the rest of my life collapse. I am just so tired.

Not sure why I am writing this. I guess a big part of me still believes that I deserved the treatment that I got. I wasn't committed to her. I was constantly seeking out other women, trying to distance myself. But I was drawn to her like a moth to flames. My experiences over the past 7 years have been so far from who I am and what I value that I feel lost.

I have used her as a drug to self-medicate myself from the pain that she would continually inflict on me. I have used her as a drug to self-mediate myself from the pain that I would continually inflict on myself by letting her violate my values and boundaries and by letting myself do it too. I feel so lost now. And so tired of fighting.

[willy45]

Hi All,

I am so tired of trying. I finally realized a couple of days ago that if I had stayed with my ex, that I would have opened myself up to an entire new world of pain. I was supposed to move down to another city to be with her. I was not feeling very good about it. I had been down there many times before and each time there was a ton of rage and manipulation. I started to walk on eggshells like I have never done before. I kind of checked out emotionally as I started to realize that this person was being abusive. Regardless, I went down one more time and received 4 days of abusive rage like I have never experienced before. I came back home and broke up with her a few weeks later. For the past 6 months, I have lived nothing but regret and shame and guilt. So many 'what ifs'. I felt like I lost a world that was exciting, thrilling, exciting and wonderful. I have been so consumed by self-hatred about it. I have sunk into a terrible, terrible depression. One that I can't see any light out of.

But, despite this new realization, I am so tired of working on this. Some days are OK. Some days, like today, are terrible. I am so tired to trying to be better, to not let this woman control me anymore. My therapist has been trying to drum into my mind that she was abusive with me and that I made the best choice of my life by not moving down there. That moving down there would have been the most dangerous thing I could have ever done.

There just seems to be some much work to do just to stay above water and not let the rest of my life collapse. I am just so tired.

Not sure why I am writing this. I guess a big part of me still believes that I deserved the treatment that I got. I wasn't committed to her. I was constantly seeking out other women, trying to distance myself. But I was drawn to her like a moth to flames. My experiences over the past 7 years have been so far from who I am and what I value that I feel lost.

I have used her as a drug to self-medicate myself from the pain that she would continually inflict on me. I have used her as a drug to self-mediate myself from the pain that I would continually inflict on myself by letting her violate my values and boundaries and by letting myself do it too. I feel so lost now. And so tired of fighting.

[willy45]

So, I just had a realization that I wanted to put down somewhere... .  

She claimed that her rages and emotional outbursts were caused by the instability in our relationship. As time went on, her rages and outbursts got worse and worse. She claimed they were getting worse and worse because our relationship continued to be long-distance (the fact that I kept it long distance because she would constantly rage at me was never really on her radar as her behavior never got better... .  it only got worse). Regardless, I bought into her explanation that things got worse because I was continually not committing to her.

But here is an alternate version. Maybe this version is more closer to the truth. Maybe her rages and emotional outbursts were made worse because I STOPPED TAKING THE BLAME. I STOPPED TAKING IT. I STARTED TO FIGHT BACK. I would lay down my boundaries. I would tell her that her behavior wasn't OK. I would leave the room if she even started to go down that path. I would tell her that my thoughts mattered, that I didn't have to explain things 5 or 6 times if there was something I didn't want to do. I STARTED STANDING UP FOR MYSELF. I continued to keep it long distance instead of breaking up with her because of the belief that I was causing her behavior by not committing to her.

Now, I've been looking at all this stuff about abuse and emotionally abusive people. I have been reading that if the tactics of guilt, gas lighting, crazy-making that were successful stop to work, then new tactics emerge. The guilt, gas-lighting, crazy making gets stronger. They get worse. They get more outrageous. The rages get worse. The anger gets worse. The intensity INCREASES.

Maybe, maybe that is the answer. It wasn't because I was less and less committed. It wasn't because of the chaos that I created through our continued long-distance which was my decision. It was because I started to stand up for myself. I started to fight back. I started to say no. I stared to tell her I wasn't going to be affected anymore. I told her I wasn't going to participate in the dance anymore. I stopped caring. I let her scream and yell. I wouldn't try to engage. I stopped really trying to argue with her. I would just go numb. I would let it wash over me. I would detach. And her rages got worse and worse and worse. I would start to respond in a measured tone. I would yell back. I would just ignore. I would leave. I would go back to my home in another country. Maybe she could tell her strategies weren't working anymore. So, she had to raise the bar. And she kept raising it and raising it. And my reaction was to get more and more detached to the point where I literally told her to F*CK OFF.

Anyhow, does this new explanation of the increased abuse make sense? Should this be the way I view it? Not as my fault. Not as my causing it. But as an escalation of abusive tactics because I stopped buying it as my fault.

And, if this is true, then my moving down there would have increased the abuse even further because I had already started seeing it as abusive? And I would have started to stand up for myself even more? Maybe if I had moved down, it would have been a whole new level of abuse. It would have been a whole new power struggle with increased abuse and increased tactics. It would have escalated. I would have had way more invested. And I would have fought back harder. I would have had to put up more boundaries and fight to keep them which would have been met with increased abuse. An increased intensity of anger and rage. Maybe it would have gotten very dangerous?

I probably would have fallen into an incredible depression (EVEN GREATER THAN THE ONE I AM IN NOW). I would not have had a way out. I would have been trapped. Maybe that is what I was keeping myself from. Maybe I wasn't keeping myself from this amazing dream that I keep thinking I lost out on. Maybe I was protecting myself from the truth. The scary, scary truth that any further interaction with this woman would have completely destroyed me.

Thoughts?

[viking11]

Hey johnnyorganic,

I feel your pain. I would suggest seeing a psycholgist for counsel and see a pshychiatrist for appropriate meds. I am just in the past weeks coming off of meds after more than 6 mos of needing them to function. Like you I couldnt get away and stay away from her and I lost myself and who I was, trying to accomodate  her and her needs and kept giving more of myself until I was in a deep dark depression. It happened before I could recognize it . Every waking minute was effort, and more than I  wanted to give. But as time passes you find you will make small steps forward thru reading about this disorder thru counsel , thru meds,  thru leaning on family and friends thru prayer and a belief that one day it will become better even though it feels like it never will. You will get there keep pushing and keep believing.