So so upset... how can she still get to me?

[mango_flower]

So I took the advice here and ignored my ex when she emailed and asked (again!) if I was truly happy she was happy.

Then I got another email today, basically saying did I want her to tell me stuff about her new life?  As we were friend?  Or would it hurt me?

I (stupidly, I now know!) thought I should reply, or she'd get angry and rage, and then I will never get all the money back she owes me. (I now think I am going to have to write this off... .  )

I was very matter of fact and calm, and told her that it has been 4 months, I will always have amazing memories of our relationship but that I was trying not to look back.  And that she should probably talk to her other friends about her upcoming wedding, as I didn't think it would be helpful to either of us. But that if she just wanted to chat about everyday stuff, like her new job, or a funny thing that happened to her in that day, that I'd be more than happy with that.

BAD MOVE!

She shot back 2 emails.

One just said about how we were obviously so very different, as she would ALWAYS listen to me, no matter what.

3 mins later she sent another LONG email (so I think she had it pre-written to be honest) and it was horrible!  I burst into tears as soon as I read it and was so angry.

It basically said that I had let her down... .  and I had let US down.  That I had never cared, that maybe I loved her at one point but that I had stopped showing it. And that she had felt I lied to her, as I never told her I had depression as a teenager (it was mild, I hadn't thought about it in years, and it had never come up in conversation).

That she never trusted me to be there when I needed her.

That I hadn't cared when she had a health scare.

I was SO angry to read all this... .  she has re-written our whole history with a pack of lies!  We had the most beautiful, perfect relationship... .  I was there 100% for her, and she was for me too!  I cried myself to sleep every night during her health scare, did poorly at my job as I couldn't concentrate, went with her to the hospital, and cuddled her tightly every night and told her how much I loved her.  Sent her beautiful, reassuring emails about how I would always be here for her, and that we were in this together.   I couldn't have done more.  I did everything I could, until I had nothing left to give.

It hurts so so much to hear that what I didn't wasn't enough... .  all of our mutual friends said how amazing I was with her, how patient, calm, committed... .  

The only thing I did "wrong" was wanting to put our wedding off for a year.  I wasn't the one who broke our relationship, or let "us" down - I feel that SHE did, when she gave up on it and left me, high and dry with bills, and ended up dating somebody she had been close friends with whilst we were still together!

I'm not perfect but nobody who knew us doubted my commitment to her. 

It hurts that I was not enough.

It hurts that she genuinely believes I didn't love her.  I could come up with 1000 pieces of evidence to prove I did!

I guess I now know what it feels like to be painted black.

And no, I haven't replied and am not going to.  Hopefully now she will drop any illusion that we can be friends (I thought it was worth a shot as I didn't think her BPD was that bad, she does show some self-awareness at times).  And I guess I will have to write off the (large amount of) money she owes me.

I hate that somebody out there in this world hates me so much and thinks I am a bad person.  It bothers me.  I am not.  I have no enemies... .  I always treat people with respect and kindness. 

Urgh. 

[clairedair]

I hate that somebody out there in this world hates me so much and thinks I am a bad person.  It bothers me.  I am not.  I have no enemies... .  I always treat people with respect and kindness. 

Urgh. 

and it's even worse when it's someone who you love/loved and who you were sure loved you... .  

So sorry you had to experience this.  It just completely messes with your head (and heart).  The ability to rewrite history in a way that goes against what really happened.  They say it so convincingly - don't fall into the trap of starting to wonder if she's right.  Your anger should tell you that she's not.

I've written so many replies defending myself; giving my side of story etc but I knew there was no point in sending them.  I tried it a couple of time and it just leads to more hurt.

What can you do to distance yourself from her twisted perceptions? 

take care,

Claire

[HarmKrakow]

So I took the advice here and ignored my ex when she emailed and asked (again!) if I was truly happy she was happy.

Then I got another email today, basically saying did I want her to tell me stuff about her new life?  As we were friend?  Or would it hurt me?

I (stupidly, I now know!) thought I should reply, or she'd get angry and rage, and then I will never get all the money back she owes me. (I now think I am going to have to write this off... .  )

I was very matter of fact and calm, and told her that it has been 4 months, I will always have amazing memories of our relationship but that I was trying not to look back.  And that she should probably talk to her other friends about her upcoming wedding, as I didn't think it would be helpful to either of us. But that if she just wanted to chat about everyday stuff, like her new job, or a funny thing that happened to her in that day, that I'd be more than happy with that.

BAD MOVE!

She shot back 2 emails.

One just said about how we were obviously so very different, as she would ALWAYS listen to me, no matter what.

3 mins later she sent another LONG email (so I think she had it pre-written to be honest) and it was horrible!  I burst into tears as soon as I read it and was so angry.

It basically said that I had let her down... .  and I had let US down.  That I had never cared, that maybe I loved her at one point but that I had stopped showing it. And that she had felt I lied to her, as I never told her I had depression as a teenager (it was mild, I hadn't thought about it in years, and it had never come up in conversation).

That she never trusted me to be there when I needed her.

That I hadn't cared when she had a health scare.

I was SO angry to read all this... .  she has re-written our whole history with a pack of lies!  We had the most beautiful, perfect relationship... .  I was there 100% for her, and she was for me too!  I cried myself to sleep every night during her health scare, did poorly at my job as I couldn't concentrate, went with her to the hospital, and cuddled her tightly every night and told her how much I loved her.  Sent her beautiful, reassuring emails about how I would always be here for her, and that we were in this together.   I couldn't have done more.  I did everything I could, until I had nothing left to give.

It hurts so so much to hear that what I didn't wasn't enough... .  all of our mutual friends said how amazing I was with her, how patient, calm, committed... .  

The only thing I did "wrong" was wanting to put our wedding off for a year.  I wasn't the one who broke our relationship, or let "us" down - I feel that SHE did, when she gave up on it and left me, high and dry with bills, and ended up dating somebody she had been close friends with whilst we were still together!

I'm not perfect but nobody who knew us doubted my commitment to her. 

It hurts that I was not enough.

It hurts that she genuinely believes I didn't love her.  I could come up with 1000 pieces of evidence to prove I did!

I guess I now know what it feels like to be painted black.

And no, I haven't replied and am not going to.  Hopefully now she will drop any illusion that we can be friends (I thought it was worth a shot as I didn't think her BPD was that bad, she does show some self-awareness at times).  And I guess I will have to write off the (large amount of) money she owes me.

I hate that somebody out there in this world hates me so much and thinks I am a bad person.  It bothers me.  I am not.  I have no enemies... .  I always treat people with respect and kindness. 

Urgh. 

My dear, dear dearest mango_flower. If our BPD ex would write any of us such an email, we would also be feeling f@cked up in our stomach, the fact that you felt like you gave enough and she posting this before she gets married! Gives me the feeling, and I wouldnt say that quickly to cut her completely off. This is pure torture. To the inner soul, please keep strong, i can't give you any other advise unfortunately . Please vent as much as you can!

[lockedout]

Her upcoming wedding? She's planning on getting married in the near future and she's still taking jabs about how much you let her down? I feel bad for the guy she's marrying - going into something new and permanaent with all that baggage. A healthy person, regardless of the circumstances of the breakup doesn't look towards future marriage until they've moved on completely from the past.

You never had a beautiful of perfect relationship. For one thing there's no such thing as a "perfect'' one. Secondly, in a beautiful relationship; she would have otherwise recognized your sacrifices for her. She may have seemed like she was there for you, but that was an act to get you to give it 100%. Only her 100% and your 100% are two different things. Yours was probably 1000%. Her version, there was none; anything less that that 1000% to her triggered her feelings of abandonment. If she left you just because you wanted to wait longer to get married then she's suddenly getting married to someone else, she has a very skewed view of what marriage is about.

You can't be friends with her. There will be no happy medium. You need to find a way to surround yourself with much healthier and positive people and find distractions for when your mood starts to deteriorate.

[clairedair]

HI mango_flower

I was reading another post by 2010 and thought this quote might be appropriate:

"You will never get answers from a disordered person. They are too skilled at manipulation. You are very useful for them to project their bad selves onto. They really do not want to let you go unless they find a new substitute- and even then, they’ll like to keep you guessing about things. It's a win/win for their disorder."

Is it possible that she's trying to throw you off balance so that if her current relationship implodes, you'll be there to give it another go in an effort to prove that you are not who she says you are?

[willy45]

Mango_Flower,

I said this before and I will say it again. She is abusing you. There is no other way to describe it. Yes. She has a disorder and blah blah blah. But her behavior is incredibly out of control. She is hurting you. And, she is doing it on purpose. She is using you. She is manipulating you. She is abusing you. She has no consideration at all for your feelings. None. This is all about her and you happen to be a pawn in her mind. She is using you. You don't deserve this. You don't. Nobody does. She is mean. She is vindictive. She is controlling.

This should be even more proof that you made the right decision to hold off on the wedding. Imagine spending the rest of your life like this? What would you become?

That email sounds horrible. I'm so sorry you had to get that. But, if you needed more proof that you made the right decision, then you have it.

And yes. Vent. Please. We all need to. Don't turn that anger inwards. I have done that. I have blamed myself for everything. And I have taken a huge hit personally and professionally as a result. You made the right decision. And yes. You should cut this crazy b*tch out of your life. Completely. What she is doing is NOT OK. It isn't normal. A normal person would not rub this in your face. She is doing that to hurt you. Intentionally. Stay far, far away from her.

[mango_flower]

To Clairedair, Harmkrakow, lockedout and johnnyorganic -

Thank you so so much.  Every one of your replies helped so much - they helped me to see that this IS cruel and it's NOT normal.

I just wish I understood... .  why she needs to do this... .  

My own conclusion is that she is convincing herself she made the right decision to leave - and if she paints me black and says I never cared, it justifies it to her.  She has quite a strong conscience inbetween her crazy moments!  So, paint me black and she can't feel so guilty - she's the victim - she HAD to leave.  If she doesn't do that, she'll always be wondering what if... .  

I'm going to try and forget about it today and get back to "normality".

Again - thank you all so much xxx

[wanttoknowmore]

Mango-flower,

I very much agree with your analysis. She needs to paint you black so she can protect her tiny-mini self worth she is left with. She has to distort and deny so that she can assure her self that she is OK. Painting you black is nothing to do with you. Its her need at this point. Its their need which matters all the time.

Mine is trying to do the same. She is not able to find a lot of material to easily paint me black so she keeps hanging on to one sentence when in anger I said "your exH was probably right that you are not normal." And now,its been 12 days, every text this is repeated in angry and sarcastic way to beat me down and make me feel guilty. I apologized many time and explained that I was angry due to her sudden silent treatment . But,she is trying to find ways how she can paint me black .Then,gets confused and says "you have been the most caring and loving person in my life but I have to move on." They are confused and they make us equally confused.

[TheDude]

Mango, I believe you are already aware of this, but... .  what 'good' is there in continuing to engage in dialog with her? Anything? Ask yourself - is continuing contact (in any form) making you feel better, or is it simply extending the grief and keeping you 'stuck'? Maybe blocking her email would be a step in the right direction of detaching? Give it some thought... .  

[mango_flower]

Mango, I believe you are already aware of this, but... .  what 'good' is there in continuing to engage in dialog with her? Anything? Ask yourself - is continuing contact (in any form) making you feel better, or is it simply extending the grief and keeping you 'stuck'? Maybe blocking her email would be a step in the right direction of detaching? Give it some thought... .  

Hi TheDude -

I have major guilt issues for something I did which hurt her deeply (see my other post if you're interested) and I know she wants me in her life.  I feel like if I just cut her out completely, she will just experience rejection all over again.  When she feels rejected, she gets majorly angry and very upset - last time she had a full on breakdown... .  it was truly awful.

I feel like I owe it to her to be a friend, to be a support system of sorts for her, from afar.

I know my thinking is probably very skewed, and I know I need to put myself first- but it all just feels so very very wrong to just cut her out completely.

I have been working on minimal contact, and trying to keep it practical and focused, and very light.  Usually it's ok. I'm not too sure where this last blow up came from. Probably because she HATES that I said I am moving on and doing ok. 

Also, she still owes me a lot of money which I really can't afford to lose.  She gets her first pay packet next month (April) and supposedly will start paying me back then (though it's going to be about a year minimum!).  So I guess I am trying to keep things nice for that reason too.

Gosh this is so tough - I just wish there were clear answers where everyone was a winner... .  

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi Mango Flower.

The reason she still gets to you is because you are letting her!  I know you know this, and it's super basic, but there is a reason that most of here counsel NC--no contact.

If I knew what I know now, and I were you, I'd cut her off, the way i finally finally finally finally did (after more than a year of doing what you are doing--continuing to have the dagger stab your heart over and over by keeping in touch with her) with my ex. And that is when the healing BEGAN. Not until then. I had to cut her off completely to heal.

So, knowing what I know now, if I were you, I'd block her in every way, figure the money is long gone though it's up to her (if she has any integrity at all, she'd pay you no matter what. Think about it. Wouldn't you? If I owed someone money, especially an ex partner, I'd pay it, period), and begin the healing process. Of course she still gets to you. You are in a horrible situation!  Time to put yourself before her. You aren't her nurse or parent or therapist or doctor.

I did the same thing for my ex... .  took care of her emotionally, hung on because I felt like I should, and she totally abused it all, just as your ex is. And she will continue to do this until you end it. She's not going to see the light. It never happens.

[TheDude]

So, knowing what I know now, if I were you, I'd block her in every way, figure the money is long gone though it's up to her (if she has any integrity at all, she'd pay you no matter what. Think about it. Wouldn't you? If I owed someone money, especially an ex partner, I'd pay it, period), and begin the healing process.

Agreed. It's kind of like doing an emotional cost/benefit analysis. Is it really worth a year (best case scenario) worth of ongoing communication to recover the money? Can you even place a value on your peace of mind? You may not even see a dime by the time she emails you about her wedding, pics and all. Is that something you want to expose yourself to?

I don't even bother totaling up the dollars. It's beyond five figures just with our last round (and I'm not talking about normal life expenses). She even insisted that she'd be paying me... .  something. Right. Single mom of two who works 14 hours a week. Ain't gonna happen. I never really expected anything anyway, and my own peace of mind is worth more than pursuing it. I'll make more money. Lots more. 

Keep trying to let her go. It's the only way forward... .  

[syz]

No Contact = no new hurts.  NC is your friend.  It isn't to punish her it is to protect you. 

Even on a good day with a relationship with a mutual breakup between people without personality disorders it takes time to be friends.  I've managed it with a few exs and it takes at least 4-6 months depending on quite a few factors but most of all that both people are at peace about the breakup. 

Your situation isn't even close to that.  And all the dysfunctional dynamics are still at play worse than ever.  You HAVE to let go of hoping she'll have a good opinion of you.  I know this is hard.  I've just had to do the same thing.  The last time I asked for space and no contact my phone blew up with a bunch of accusations, characters assassinations, and that one of my friends had basically told her I was a user and she was Shocked that she was so right.  but she wouldn't say who. 

let me tell you something I am in my early 40's.  Not high school.  I told her to feel free to believe whatever she wants and to take her drama from hell and please go away. 

Let me be harsh for a moment.  Who cares if you 'abandon' her?  She is already gone.  Who cares if you aren't in her life?  You are in pain and have to take care of yourself.  You really cannot do anything for her.  You staying in her life isn't really the help she needs.  It just perpetuates the dynamics of her problems. Your relationship is over.  She is her fiance's problem now.  You don't have to be mean about it but you really have to mean it.  I would tell her maybe you can be in each others lives one day.  (who cares if this is bs you are trying to just not shake a stick at her)  and right now you want to heal and to do that you need to not have contact.  Good luck with her wedding and thanks for understanding. 

You'll most likely get a slew of hatemail.  Send her email to spam on filter settings.  If you are in the UK I think there are better features on phones for blocking numbers, if you have this ability use it.  I don't have it unfortunately. 

Quit reading her stuff, quit engaging.  You cannot get over this until it stops being present in your life.  And let me be really realistic for a moment.  If down the line you met someone you were really into and she had this type of dynamic going on with her ex and all this drama would you want to be involved with her?  Or would that be off putting?  I know your head isn't there yet.  But trust me when you meet someone else you won't want her anywhere around.   And neither will they. 

[ThanksForPlaying]

But trust me when you meet someone else you won't want her anywhere around.   And neither will they. 

This is great syz, so true.  Non-BPD relationships occasionally make sense to continue as friends (but not often). BPD relationships, almost never.  In my experience, we really have no interest carrying on as friends anyway, it's just an excuse for holding out hope of reconciliation.

Lloyd: The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?

Mary: Not good.

Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.

Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance... .  

Think about the title of that movie.  Then ask yourself what the chances are of a "friendly" relationship with your BPD. 

[HarmKrakow]

No Contact = no new hurts.  NC is your friend.  It isn't to punish her it is to protect you. 

Even on a good day with a relationship with a mutual breakup between people without personality disorders it takes time to be friends.  I've managed it with a few exs and it takes at least 4-6 months depending on quite a few factors but most of all that both people are at peace about the breakup. 

Your situation isn't even close to that.  And all the dysfunctional dynamics are still at play worse than ever.  You HAVE to let go of hoping she'll have a good opinion of you.  I know this is hard.  I've just had to do the same thing.  The last time I asked for space and no contact my phone blew up with a bunch of accusations, characters assassinations, and that one of my friends had basically told her I was a user and she was Shocked that she was so right.  but she wouldn't say who. 

let me tell you something I am in my early 40's.  Not high school.  I told her to feel free to believe whatever she wants and to take her drama from hell and please go away. 

Let me be harsh for a moment.  Who cares if you 'abandon' her?  She is already gone.  Who cares if you aren't in her life?  You are in pain and have to take care of yourself.  You really cannot do anything for her.  You staying in her life isn't really the help she needs.  It just perpetuates the dynamics of her problems. Your relationship is over.  She is her fiance's problem now.  You don't have to be mean about it but you really have to mean it.  I would tell her maybe you can be in each others lives one day.  (who cares if this is bs you are trying to just not shake a stick at her)  and right now you want to heal and to do that you need to not have contact.  Good luck with her wedding and thanks for understanding. 

You'll most likely get a slew of hatemail.  Send her email to spam on filter settings.  If you are in the UK I think there are better features on phones for blocking numbers, if you have this ability use it.  I don't have it unfortunately. 

Quit reading her stuff, quit engaging.  You cannot get over this until it stops being present in your life.  And let me be really realistic for a moment.  If down the line you met someone you were really into and she had this type of dynamic going on with her ex and all this drama would you want to be involved with her?  Or would that be off putting?  I know your head isn't there yet.  But trust me when you meet someone else you won't want her anywhere around.   And neither will they. 

You sound like a wise guy! Wish I had that kind of power to follow up your comments. Because to me, in 1 ear, it hits fantastic, but on the other hand i'm not strong enough to cut the last cord.

[Clearmind]

Mango, a failed r/s is a trigger. She is projecting. There are some very good reasons why we believe the projections from a disordered person. We need find our reason.

She has triggered you too and in time we begin to realize that these projections and our feelings of not being good enough/low self esteem actually stem from childhood.

We need to heal from the past, process our family of origin (FOO) before we can truly move on. While it feels like she is doing this to you, it's the anger and upset from the past that is the real reason you are shattered. Until we process this we won't move forward.

Do you have a therapist?

[HarmKrakow]

Mango, a failed r/s is a trigger. She is projecting. There are some very good reasons why we believe the projections from a disordered person. We need find our reason.

She has triggered you too and in time we begin to realize that these projections and our feelings of not being good enough/low self esteem actually stem from childhood.

We need to heal from the past, process our family of origin (FOO) before we can truly move on. While it feels like she is doing this to you, it's the anger and upset from the past that is the real reason you are shattered. Until we process this we won't move forward.

Do you have a therapist?

You sound very wise True inspiration if I can talk like that one day.

[syz]

You sound like a wise guy! Wish I had that kind of power to follow up your comments. Because to me, in 1 ear, it hits fantastic, but on the other hand i'm not strong enough to cut the last cord.

Man there is no secret.  It IS hard.  I just have enough life experience to play the tape through to the end.  If I were in my 20's I'd be making all the same mistakes I made then all over again except I didn't have the benefit of the internet at the time.  

This is the time to bring in good friends who know what you are dealing with.  If you feel like calling or emailing or engaging call one of them instead.  Go out and leave your cell phone at home.  We are tethered by our electronics.  Put a rubber band around your wrist and when you think of them snap it.  Whatever it takes.  You fake until you make it.  One day at a time, until it is a week, until it is two weeks. Until you are golden again.  It takes time.  

If you have access to therapy use it.  If you need medication for anxiety, take it.  This is about getting yourself better.  Make sure you get sleep, make sure you get food.  Go back to basics.  Treat it like an addiction if you must.  Enlist help.  The chances your friends and family want things to work out with this person are probably zilch.  Utilize what resources you have.  You want to respond to an email? Post here instead.  

I just accepted there was no going back to before.  I couldn't unring that bell or unride that donkey.  What if's aren't helpful.  I had to forgive myself for my mistakes, for not seeing what was happening, for failing to grasp the degree of the issues.  Once I did I recognized it wasn't possible to repair.  

Let me put it this way.  I AM the thing that destabilized her because her issues are relationships, that is the trigger that brings out the BPD which so often is situational.  She may not realize that yet and so I have to be the bad one for her reactions and world to make sense.  I CANNOT help her with that.  And would she even listen to me if I were to tell her? No of course not.  The best thing for her is if I'm out of the picture as well... regardless of what preferences she states about friendship.  I also have never been accused in my adult life of the things I have here.  I don't care if she has BPD or not.  I've been accused of being a liar, a slut, a manipulator, a user, unstable, and a mind___er, you name it.  Now if I were those things as she believes isn't it better if I am out of her life too?  Why would she want my friendship?  Well a healthy person wouldn't.  

I'm basically agreeing with her.  If I thought I was those things I wouldn't want to know me either so I'm doing us both a favor.  I know logic eludes people with BPD.  It all about how they feel.  However logic and follow through does not elude me.  I don't have the same excuses so I'm obligated to act on what I know.  You do yourself and self esteem a real disservice when you go against what you know deep down inside yourself.  When you act contrary to you own well being.  And believe me it is harder to forgive yourself for that than for mistakes in knowledge that you didn't have.  

[HarmKrakow]

You sound like a wise guy! Wish I had that kind of power to follow up your comments. Because to me, in 1 ear, it hits fantastic, but on the other hand i'm not strong enough to cut the last cord.

Man there is no secret.  It IS hard.  I just have enough life experience to play the tape through to the end.  If I were in my 20's I'd be making all the same mistakes I made then all over again except I didn't have the benefit of the internet at the time.  

This is the time to bring in good friends who know what you are dealing with.  If you feel like calling or emailing or engaging call one of them instead.  Go out and leave your cell phone at home.  We are tethered by our electronics.  Put a rubber band around your wrist and when you think of them snap it.  Whatever it takes.  You fake until you make it.  One day at a time, until it is a week, until it is two weeks. Until you are golden again.  It takes time.  

If you have access to therapy use it.  If you need medication for anxiety, take it.  This is about getting yourself better.  Make sure you get sleep, make sure you get food.  Go back to basics.  Treat it like an addiction if you must.  Enlist help.  The chances your friends and family want things to work out with this person are probably zilch.  Utilize what resources you have.  You want to respond to an email? Post here instead.  

I just accepted there was no going back to before.  I couldn't unring that bell or unride that donkey.  What if's aren't helpful.  I had to forgive myself for my mistakes, for not seeing what was happening, for failing to grasp the degree of the issues.  Once I did I recognized it wasn't possible to repair.  

Let me put it this way.  I AM the thing that destabilized her because her issues are relationships, that is the trigger that brings out the BPD which so often is situational.  She may not realize that yet and so I have to be the bad one for her reactions and world to make sense.  I CANNOT help her with that.  And would she even listen to me if I were to tell her? No of course not.  The best thing for her is if I'm out of the picture as well... regardless of what preferences she states about friendship.  I also have never been accused in my adult life of the things I have here.  I don't care if she has BPD or not.  I've been accused of being a liar, a slut, a manipulator, a user, unstable, and a mind___er, you name it.  Now if I were those things as she believes isn't it better if I am out of her life too?  Why would she want my friendship?  Well a healthy person wouldn't.  

I'm basically agreeing with her.  If I thought I was those things I wouldn't want to know me either so I'm doing us both a favor.  I know logic eludes people with BPD.  It all about how they feel.  However logic and follow through does not elude me.  I don't have the same excuses so I'm obligated to act on what I know.  You do yourself and self esteem a real disservice when you go against what you know deep down inside yourself.  When you act contrary to you own well being.  And believe me it is harder to forgive yourself for that than for mistakes in knowledge that you didn't have.  

Well, i AM in my 20s. I do use meds, and I do go to a T. The way you put it here, sounds exactly the way it should be, and ofc, like a struggle, but it is the right way forward. Can't really add a lot to it.

That acceptation, for me, is to difficult atm. I don't have it, nor feel it.

[syz]

Breakups suck even if you initiated it but didn't really want it.  But the same rules apply.  Stay busy, take care of yourself, good food, good sleep, start working out.  It's true the outer world often reflects back to us what we feel inside.  But I'm going to tell you a secret often times when your insides are a mess if you start taking care of what seems to be the outer shell like your body it starts to impact your emotional wellbeing.  You start to look better and you start to feel better and it helps your sleep which goes miles.  Two nights of insomnia and I'm often back at the beginning emotionally weeping like crazy. 

One thing you have going for you that I don't is the fact you are in your 20's you probably have better social contacts and more to do.  I've moved a lot, none of my close friends live near by, most are married and busy with their lives.  I have a lot of time to sit around and ruminate.  Not good.  Use what you've got to your advantage.  I've got experience you probably have a far better access to a social life. 

The only thing different here from a typical breakup is we are dealing with an added level of difficulty and confusion due to someone's mental health.  A few years back I got left due to infidelity.  The betrayal was brutal worse than this current situation for me, I had ptsd for several years.  I went on celexa and started working out and started taking sleeping pills because my sleep sucks anyway but is worse when I'm upset.  I cut my ex out of my life.  and I was doing better and then a few months later I let her back in and I started to do worse.  So I finally cut the tie for good.  No she is not one of the exs I'm friends with.  Gaslighting and cheating are abuse.  I understand the mechanisms of infidelity far more than I ever wanted to and now I'm getting an education in BPD.  I didn't ask for any of this at all.  And no matter my part in what was faulty which I have accepted responsibility for I never deserved any of what happened in either situation. 

In any case I failed at NC a few times before I succeeded.  I just had to pick myself up and start all over again.  It was painful and hard to cut that tie.  I had nightmares about her for about a year.  But I knew I could never trust her again.  The reality was there was no place in the new life I was creating for her.  I find NC easier to do now.