Advice for dealing with a mwBPD

[whitesands13]

I am living w a mwBPD because of loss of a job and a cancer diagnosis (second time, first diagnosis was several years ago).  I am really, really tired of being the horrible child, of being shamed and blamed.  No matter what I do for her, no matter how I contribute, it isn't that it's not acknowledged enough, it simply isn't acknowledged at all.  She's brutal.  If I disagree with her, she threatens to throw me out.  If she's in a bad mood, she finds things so she can emotionally throw up on me.  She gossips about me to my BPD (w/NPD traits) sister and to her friend.  She even went so far as to take me to an attorney under the guise of financial advice, only to get there and find out she was weaving some story about my not disclosing insurance info to her and making sure she was protected if any medical bills weren't paid.  The attorney went so far as to ask me what my wig had cost.  The wig I paid for.  He didn't know that bit of info either.  And the clincher to all this is that my sister set it up.  The attorney was a friend of a friend (unknown to me at the time).  I had all my paperwork, and by the end of the appointment he was in agreement that she was protected and that I had good insurance.  But what a nightmare.  And her attitude toward me during the whole thing was one of contempt.  I have distanced myself from her because boundaries only enrage her.  Now she wants to know what's wrong, why I'm not talking to her, projects things onto me and then gets angry about it, etc...  This behavior has been in place all my life, and I've spent many years with a therapist.  I've had cc with my mother for the last twenty years, and now I feel like I'm coming apart.  There's nowhere else to go right now so I have to find a way to get through this with my sanity and my health.  Any advice?  Thanks so much.

[ScarletOlive]

Hi whitesands13,

I am sorry for the diagnosis and also sorry that you are having such a tough time with your mother. The visit with the attorney must have been incredibly frightening. My mom threatened to throw me out, complained to me and blacked me if I didn't do as she wished too, so I can understand somewhat where you're at.

Number one thing is to make sure you're taking care of yourself. Eat well, sleep, do nice things for yourself, see friends and go out when you can. How are you doing at self-care? I know it's tough sometimes, but you are your first priority.

Second, there's some tools to reduce conflict available to you. S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth is a really great tool that will help defuse some of those escalating rages. There's also this workshop on    

COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments. It helps you to step away and not get drawn into an argument. What do you usually do when there's an argument with your mom?

Sending you lots of caring and support, whitesands13.

[whitesands13]

Hi ScarletOlive,

Typically I do what my therapist has suggested I do, and that's to leave the house.  By the time I get back it's as if nothing ever happened.  Unfortunately there are times when I'm unable to do that, sometimes leaving the room is effective, and sometimes it's not.  I just read up on circular arguments (thanks for the information) and will be using JADE.  What's interesting about that is I always ask myself when these things start why I'm in the cycle of explaining myself again, being put on the defensive.  I'll read more on S.E.T. tomorrow and use that as well.  I'm worried I'll come off insincere or sarcastic, I'm pretty angry and raw.  Somewhere I'm still holding the hope that she'll be the mother I need.

I started a book on codependency today that I'm immersing myself in, I certainly think that will help.  I need to do better with self care.  When I am taking care of myself and putting my needs first, I'm often accused of being selfish.  I know that's not new to anyone dealing with BPD, but how do you stop the guilt that causes?  How do you respond?  I'm still so hard wired for this stuff it's ridiculous.

Thanks for your response.  I really appreciate your care and support. 

I've got a lot of work to do, and the perfect classroom.