I still ask myself why - even though I know the reason

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As for the question of I still ask myself why - the reason is she is mentally ill (I've come to accept that more and more each day) and is incableble of giving or receiving the deep love that developes in healthier relationships - the worst part throughout our whole marriage I never did feel that she truly loved me the way I loved her - I felt more like her provider/protector/father figure than I ever did her husband.   :'(

I'm right with you on this, exactly.  I kept hoping my exwBPD would some day become the wife and mother we always wanted.  Hoping that it was just around the corner.  That if we can keep it together for just awhile longer, she'll break out of her shell and become what we we need.  Never happened and never would.  What she became was the person she always was, and here I am with my kids, our home and our animals, without her.

She never allowed herself to be happy and never fully invested in our relationship.  Always kept herself at a distance and I believe that was to "protect" herself from getting hurt.  That old fear of abandonment kicking in.  I wore myself out beyond the point of exhaustion trying to prove my love and devotion that I lost myself in the process.  What a waste of years.

Never again. 

[imstronghere2]

As for the question of I still ask myself why - the reason is she is mentally ill (I've come to accept that more and more each day) and is incableble of giving or receiving the deep love that developes in healthier relationships - the worst part throughout our whole marriage I never did feel that she truly loved me the way I loved her - I felt more like her provider/protector/father figure than I ever did her husband.   :'(

I'm right with you on this, exactly.  I kept hoping my exwBPD would some day become the wife and mother we always wanted.  Hoping that it was just around the corner.  That if we can keep it together for just awhile longer, she'll break out of her shell and become what we we need.  Never happened and never would.  What she became was the person she always was, and here I am with my kids, our home and our animals, without her.

She never allowed herself to be happy and never fully invested in our relationship.  Always kept herself at a distance and I believe that was to "protect" herself from getting hurt.  That old fear of abandonment kicking in.  I wore myself out beyond the point of exhaustion trying to prove my love and devotion that I lost myself in the process.  What a waste of years.

Never again. 

[Clearmind]

I would definately say I am a white knight - i always have been. 

Definitely worth exploring the reason behind this.

[Cumulus]

Hi cal, I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. It was just that I kept thinking your posts  sound so much like what I feel, what I went through. How long were you married? My xBPDh and I were married at nineteen and the marriage lasted over 25 years. Its hard to explain why I put up with so much disrespect. I guess because it was all so mixed in with, my wife is queen of the world and I adore her, no one can do anything as good as my wife. Why, when I'd made a commitment to another person and my marriage, would I leave. So what if my needs weren't  being met by him, what marriage is perfect. I'm not needy, I'll meet my needs myself and so began more education, running ( I was almost like Forrest Gump at one point) classes in crafts, art, women's groups, working late. Anything to give my life  what I didn't get from my marriage. As time went on, I began to feel more like he was my child. That was the kind of love I felt for him. I don't know if I felt like the white knight (knightress?) but I did feel like he needed me to navigate through life, to be a bridge between him and our kids, to provide friendship and help him learn to relate better to others. It doesn't start out like that, the process is insidious. One drop at a time until the bucket is heavier then you can carry. He didn't leave me, I left him. But, I think it would only have been a matter of time. I found out after the separation that he had a whole other life. He had multiple affairs, probably starting around the fourth year of marriage. I wish he had left me years ago, I'm not sure why he stayed except to say I made a real comfortable home for him.

I guess the better question is why did I stay. I'd say commitment. I did find out about one affair and stayed. It was devastating, and I told him then if there was ever another affair that was the end. It took me ten more years to find out about the next one but that was it, I was done. It was a release from the commitment I felt.

Thanks for your post. Oh and all those good times, I thought we had them too, now I wonder what was in his head, what was he really thinking, so those good times aren't so good any more, they feel fake to me now.

[cal644]

We were married 19 years. As for me being the parent - there is alot of truth to that.  I expanded her friendship circle as most of our friends were mine first or I developed the friendships as she only had 1 friend of her own from work.  I brought her to know church and God. I helped her advance in her carrier as I always encouraged her to try for a new promotion and would do her resume for her.  In fact she went back to college and I wrote her final paper for her because she was too stressed and wanted to drop the class (with only one paper left!).  I brought her new experiences, brought her to try out new foods, brought her to places in the country she never would have went to, provided her with things she could never have, loved her like she had never been loved.  Took care of her when she was sick, sad, depressed.  I cooked, cleaned, all the little household stuff.  Maybe that's why its so hard - maybe it's like raising a child and watching them make the stupidest mistake in their life and not being able to do a damn thing about it.  I feel betrayed - after all that I have loved, done, and provided to be left and forgotten like a drop of the hat.  In fact the other day when we were dividing some of the small household stuff she screamed at me - I don't want a damn thing from you, I don't want a single memmory from the last 19 years (OUCH!) that statement killed me.

[Cumulus]

Oh Cal, I am sorry, that sounded so hurtful. It seems a part of the illness is their ability to know right where they can't hurt the most. I keep saying I was in the marriage over 25 years, cal it was significantly over 25 years, really I am embarrassed and hurt to even admit that. Think how your life would be twenty years from now if you were still with her. Knowing that your relationship had never matured or grown. That you have lived the years of your youth and manhood providing the emotional needs for both your wife and yourself. There is nothing but an empty shell of a relationship. And now you are an old man and ready to enter the later years of your life, still alone, never having known what it was like to have a loving wife by your side. Or, do you think if you had twenty more years with her that you could help her become that wonderful helpmate, lover and wife that you know you deserve.

I saw in another thread that it is your daughters birthday today. Those special moments make this process that much more difficult. Mango had good advice, start some new traditions. Thirteen, what a grown up girl she is becoming, how fortunate to have a loving dad.