Confusing the identities

[isshebpd]

A little while ago, before I realized my Mom probably has BPD, I was really upset with her. Whenever we were around my sister's young children (nephew was 4 and niece was 1 at the time), she would introduce me with my brother's name. She would say, "Look its Uncle Y" instead of "Look its Uncle X".

She did this repeatedly, over a period of weeks or months. I kept addressing my irritation with her. I don't really like my brother and don't like being associated with him. He's a narcissist with a bad reputation. uBPDmom had a hard time understanding why this upset me so much when I'm trying to bond with my niece and nephew. Anyhow, I talked to my sister, we sat with the kids and I was reassured they knew the difference between their uncles. uBPDmom stopped eventually, maybe my sister brought the point home, so its over with for now.

So now that I understand BPD more, I think my uBPDmom actually doesn't always recognize her children as individuals. This is upsetting on one level, but at least I know she wasn't purposely trying to hurt me this time.

Anyone else have a disordered parent who confuses their children's identities?

[ScarletOlive]

It's pretty common for parents with BPD to see their children as extensions of themselves. When the child starts to break away and become his/her own person, the BPD parent even sees it as a rejection of herself. The parent sees the kid as a part of his/herself. Therefore, they have trouble seeing their children as individuals.

issheBPD, does your mom count you as her "bad" son and count your brother as the "good" son? Your mom could be introducing you as your brother to your sister's children to make them think of you as good. That's just a thought.

[isshebpd]

The problem is both my parents want to believe my uNPDbrother's fantasies. My uNPDbrother can be very convincing. He had me believing, at one time, that his database skills were saving the organization he's working for.

He's very certain he's right about everything. He also gets in conflicts all the time at work, according to my parents and others I've talked to. My parents, of course, believe my brother is always right. There's apparently some nasty woman who's mean to him. Even when he's caught drinking and driving, the police are the bad guys.

So I can try to compete with my updbrother's fantasies or I could just let it be.

I agree uBPDmom could be switching the "good" son for the "bad" son.

[Clearmind]

So now that I understand BPD more, I think my uBPDmom actually doesn't always recognize her children as individuals. This is upsetting on one level, but at least I know she wasn't purposely trying to hurt me this time.

I didn’t experience this – its possible she is so wrapped up in the babies it slipped her mind. Still I can understand how it would be upsetting – we would like for our mothers to at least acknowledge that we are in the room with the right name. Certainly nothing wrong with voicing your opinion to her about it.

The problem is both my parents want to believe my uNPDbrother's fantasies.

 

Step to the side of this situation a bit issheBPD – we don’t need to fix it – if your parents want to believe the fantasies just nod. I’m sure your energy could be used elsewhere – look after you my friend.

[isshebpd]

I remember when we were kids my uBPDmom used to garble my name when calling out to me. She'd often start saying my sister or brother's name, but would finish saying my name. I thought it was kind of funny at the time.

She has a lot of anxiety so maybe she just gets mental blocks when excited.

She recently left me a voice message that was mostly incomprehensible. My DW and I both listened to it, and the message was a kind of nervous babbling/mumbling. She finally started speaking clearly to get her point across, and then went back to babbling/mumbling. She sometimes seems to speak so fast, her brain and mouth aren't working together. I've heard her talking like that before when she's nervous.

As far as fixing my situation, I've found a therapist and talked to her over the phone. We have an appointment next month.

[GeekyGirl]

My mother did that with my brother and the dog. Seriously.

It could be something related to BPD and it might not be BPD-related. I've accidentally called someone by the wrong name--not because I didn't know better, but because I was thinking about the other person and it just accidentally came out. My grandmother refers to all little boys by her youngest son's name.

Does your mother do things like this often? Is it possible that she's senile or has something else going on?

[isshebpd]

I've mixed up names too, and have to watch myself at work. A lot of female names are fairly similar to me  

Confusing your own children's names on a regular basis seems a bit more unusual. Its not senility (she was doing this as a young adult) or substance abuse. My uBPDmom avoids heavy drinking and drugs. From talking to her about it, I think substances have an enhanced effect on her already unstable mind so she finds them too hard to deal with.

Along with BPD, I think its anxiety mixed with maybe some physical problems. She has a speech impediment too.

[Cordelia]

My mother seems to have had trouble distinguishing my sister and I from each other, and would rely on these tokens that she made up to do so.  She didn't confuse our names, but she would decide, for example, that I liked purple and my sister liked pink.  Then buy us TONS of toys and clothes in those colors, and refuse to buy us something if it didn't come in that color, despite the fact that SHE was the one who had decided that we liked those colors, not us.  In general she assigned personality traits to us on a fairly incomprehensible basis and treated us accordingly.  She has at best a limited ability to recognize other people's thoughts and feelings, due to her intense preoccupation with her disease.  This was a big challenge for me as a kid, when at a certain point I didn't even care whether she loved me as much as I wanted her to recognize me, to know who I am as a person.  That is something she was utterly unprepared to do.  It's just an aspect of BPD, I think, this unwillingness to acknowledge any reality that exists outside their heads.  If they think of you as being similar to someone else, to them, you ARE the same.  And they would rather say that 2+2=5 than acknowledge that you have a reality outside their perception.

[XL]

My mom has ALWAYS mixed up my name with her youngest sister. It's sort of funny, except now my aunt is getting ill and she is, by extension, raging at me about it. She also can't keep the sibling's current and former partner's names straight, which is often embarrassing.

It's almost like people are lumped together by 'role' and not individual identity.