a slight realization - maybe right, maybe wrong

[fakename]

i think i've realized,

that when someone is in so much pain from past experiences, they focus only on themselves and their own pain and thats the main focus and how to remedy it. because the pain is so great, people may by accident overlook the other person's needs.  i'm thinking this is why it was all about her with my ex and why my needs were never brought to the attention.

she always jumped from one r/s to another, without allowing time to heal. and everything just snowballs and thats why all of her new relationships fail. i dont plan to make that same mistake

[mango_flower]

I think you're so very right.

In a recent conversation with my ex (before she went a little nutty yesterday), she bemoaned the fact that one of our mutual friends hadn't replied to an email of hers she had sent, expressing her condolences that this girl's best friend had died suddenly the day before, at the age of 25. 

She rambled on about how clearly every one of our mutual friends had "Taken my side" and were ignoring her.

She simply couldn't see that our friend was in shock at her best friend dying, and had no time nor inclination to respond to emails!

I feel I have defended her so much to others in the past, e.g. when we first broke up, as they said how selfish and inconsiderate she was for just walking out and leaving me struggling with bills etc.  I can see that she doesn't TRY to hurt people, it's just a by-product of trying to get her own needs met.  She can't see things from other people's viewpoints.

It's very very sad.  And if I think about it too long, I get sad for her, and start thinking about what a horrible life she has had, and the sympathy creeps back in. It actually helps when other people tell me she is selfish and manipulative... .  it helps me to move on I guess, and lose the pity.  So I have stopped defending her now!

[elessar]

Absolutely fakename. 100% true.

And despite my friends trying to make me to go out, I am not because mentally and emotionally I am such a mess... .  no girl deserves my state right now.

[elessar]

and as far as your ex is concerned, i believe its true for all or most BPDs. thats why i have such a hard time hating on my ex. the pain she has been through and going through... .  it always made her come to me. now that her abusive parents will never accept me, she is trying to find someone else. as much as it makes us want to hate them for using us, they are in such an emotional mess that it is hard to hate. just feel sorry for them and sad for everyone involved.

[fakename]

i think the important thing is to recognize and accept that there's nothing we can do for them.  as much as we may want to help, it's just not possible. it'll be a never-ending cycle and its best to jsut let go and stay away. 

my ex made me less of a man than i should be and took away from me. i am better without her and growing daily and that only stays true if i continue to accept that i will never take her back. i already put in my effort, and tried, but it didnt work, and it never will.  i'm fine with that... .  90% of my r/s was not normal and was too exhausting for me

[elessar]

when she had left back in 2006... .  we had officially been together for only 4 months... .  after about a year of courting and knowing her for 6 yrs. i never got over it in those 4 years that she was gone. never could be with someone else. at least those 4 months she never treated me bad. but now after 2.5 yrs of ~... .  the heavenly highs and the hellish lows... .  i am most scared of how long will it take me to heal.

[fakename]

i know i'll get over my ex soon enough. as long as i keep taking care of myself and keep pushing myself. for the past month i've forced myself to work out every day even though there were some days when i absolutely didnt want to and just lay around and mope. but i'm starting to see the fruits of my labors and days are looking brighter.

i've learned a lot from the boards and most important thing i learned is i dont want to be with someone like her. she'll never change and dont want to spend the rest of my life living in a hell.  still miss her, but she's out dating some new guy and thats just unacceptable to me. i warned her there's already been enough guys. so i'm moving on, no looking back