A sad and lonely friday, saturday and sunday night.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As the previous topic was filled, I wonder how you guys handle the weekends? Little plans? Seek friends or take this time to learn about yourself?

I keep finding myself pushing to high plans for the weekend ending up early in bed friday, saturday and sunday with a sleeping pill, showing little tears and hoping for the pain to go away. I ocassionaly see a friend during the weekdays.

I find it scary and in somewhat pointless to draw out a new roadmap for life as I was not good enough for my ex BPD. And if wasnt good enough for her how can i be good enough for anyone else. I have this misplaced feeling of being needed (atleast i am aware of it and i dont want it) but not feeling it is killing.

[HarmKrakow]

As the previous topic was filled, I wonder how you guys handle the weekends? Little plans? Seek friends or take this time to learn about yourself?

I keep finding myself pushing to high plans for the weekend ending up early in bed friday, saturday and sunday with a sleeping pill, showing little tears and hoping for the pain to go away. I ocassionaly see a friend during the weekdays.

I find it scary and in somewhat pointless to draw out a new roadmap for life as I was not good enough for my ex BPD. And if wasnt good enough for her how can i be good enough for anyone else. I have this misplaced feeling of being needed (atleast i am aware of it and i dont want it) but not feeling it is killing.

[elessar]

I decided to drive home yesterday from the city i am living in for graduate school (good 5 hr 45 min drive). I thought it would be a distraction, but I didn't realize I would be spending those 6 hrs alone in the car with my own mind... .  and thoughts of her swirling around every second of it. So I am home at my parents'... .  but have spent the entire Saturday in bed!

I prefer to stay in school as much as possible because the moment my mind is alone, its all her. Not like her thoughts go away when people are around me, but it becomes more torturous if I am alone. Thats how all my evenings and weekends are... .  

you know what, lets get out of bed! Its a lovely evening and I am getting out of bed.

[mango_flower]

I totally hear you.  I feel worthless and not good enough for anyone - I like to chill round the house, never quite get myself into gear to go out when I should, I am messy, I procrastinate... .  all the little things she thought was cute (she liked to organize me) - and now I feel like, no wonder she left! 

I'm addicted to sleeping pills, like you are.  It's my only bit of peace in my day, that 20 mins just before bed once they kick in and you feel in a little bubble.

But we can't think like that.  There are SO many different people out there in the world, think of all the absolute idiots you know who have partners who love them!  I do believe that you will be just perfect for somebody else, as will I.  Just not the BPD exes.  And that's their problem, cos clearly you have so much love to give, evidenced by the fact that you loved her so much!  Just don't push yourself into feeling you should be ready to meet somebody else - it's ok to take your time, I'm not ready yet and don't want to be with anyone else but her!  (Even though I know she wouldn't be good for me).  I have days where I feel like "I would NO WAY ever take her back" and then other days I am less sure.

But on to your original question... .  

I like to have little things planned.  Nothing too big or overwhelming.  My best friend is quite laid back and in a happy relationship, so I usually can tag along with what she and her partner are doing if I feel like it. 

Don't draw out a roadmap.  It's far too overwhelming just now.  One day at a time.  Little things. x

[marbleloser]

One thing that helped me,and might help you,is,I remodeled my house.Room by room,I made changes.I started with my favorite room,the den.I made into a study and a place to work from home.It's cozy.I can read in there,work in there,nap in there.I re-purposed items to fit the decor.What once was an old gun cabinet,is now a rustic bookcase.

After the den,I worked on the kitchen.I'd buy something each week to make every room fit my tastes.Except for the kids rooms.They help decorate those so they'll have their own space as well.

Getting back to hobbies,or learning something new,can be as easy as this.I started by buying a few rustic baskets(yeah,I'm a rustic decor kinda guy),and placing them around the house.While I was remodeling,I stopped ruminating.I had something to occupy my time.Before long,I was venturing out with friends to see movies.

I said it then,and I'll say it again.Enjoy this time by yourself.You never know when it's going to change,and you might just miss part of your "me time".

[Want2know]

I wonder how you guys handle the weekends? Little plans? Seek friends or take this time to learn about yourself?

I'm not a guy, so I don't know if this counts, but... .  

I moved to a completely new place - 1500 miles away from my ex, who I've been detached from for over a year.  I've been here a little over a month in a new city, no one I know here, and spend my weekends looking for fun things to do, or just relaxing at home.  Thankfully, I'm in a city where good live music abounds, so it's not hard to find some good music and dance my ass off.  By myself, but surrounded by other promising human beings that sometimes I converse and connect with, and other times completely ignore and enjoy the live music in my internal bliss.

Although I have detached, I still think of him, and he tries to contact me every so often.  Been having a bit of communication with him lately about a camper he left at my house when I asked him to move out.  Mind you, communicating to me through Facebook when he's on work release from jail.  Just recently threatened to have his new biker gang friends (Mongols) to make sure he gets his camper... .  nice.  Whatever.  He doesn't scare me or bother me anymore.  He can't hurt me.  Part of why I moved here.

So, I'm here in my new city, which I love, in a small apartment that I traded for the A-frame house in the mountains that I owned, am selling and left, and cannot tell you how thankful that I can do whatever I want.  Alone or with other randoms.  Lots of people out there that we don't have to be romantically involved with - that's our choice.

Hang in there guys... .  it gets better.  I promise.  You're here... .  that means a lot.   

[healingmyheart]

Today I tried to start the day off on a positive note and actually was feeling good.  Spent the day doing things for and with my daughter and then had lunch with friends.  Now here I sit home alone feeling sorry for myself.  I keep thinking of all the fun things I would be doing with my ex BPD boyfriend if we were still together.  Its been 2 weeks since we split and he has been reaching out to me daily.  He's not texting me now... .  of course in the back of my mind I realize it's because he's out something trying to recruit someone new or rehashing out relationships. 

I'm angry, sad, and lonely all wrapped up in one.  I try to keep myself busy but i can only remodel so much.  It's the down time like right now that I sit here and say "wth happened here?"  In so many ways, I feel cheated.  In the beginning, I thought I had everything.  I was so very happy and now i'm so sad.  I honestly don't know what to do... .  he was my life and he made sure that he was the center of my universe. 

God, I hate this... .  

[marbleloser]

Sms,two weeks isn't a very long time.Let's see,at two weeks I was a basketcase.No sleep,couldn't eat,paranoia,PTSD,and probably some others I didn't recognize.

You're still in the early stages.The main thing for you to focus on right now is 1)get plenty of rest 2) remember to EAT 3) hygiene 4) try to get some daily exercise.

Now's a good time to spoil yourself.It sounds like you're doing really well actually.You're still able to function.Me at 2 weeks?Not so much! !

[Surnia]

Harmkrakow

Like others said: Little steps. Plan something there is at least some chance you can follow through it. You need positive experience.

You need a project. Like marbleloser with room renovation. Or learning something new. Something that keep you busy beside work and a past relationship.

[Suzn]

Hey there H, glad to see you here!

You've been given some good advice. I thought I'd share one of my coping tools when I was dealing with the depression. It may sound silly but I played video games, one in particular called Bejeweled. It's an online game, you can google it if you'd like to check it out. I liked the colors of the game and the sounds the jewels made when they fell. It's a match 3 type of game, easy, though there's actually a strategy to it.

This is actually a technique used by many, it preoccupies the mind, gives it a break from the ruminations for a while which is good for you. It helped me a great deal and it's free. There are tons of games out there that will work the same way.

Also another good site to check out is Mood Gym here:  https://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au

These are just a few ways that can really help till you are ready to move to something more challenging. 

[just me.]

There's a lot of interesting stuff in this thread, and I think I've done most of the things that people have described here.  Focusing on practical suggestions, I would say this:

I've always suffered from "productivitis", which is a word I just made up to mean that I have a really difficult time doing something unless I can perceive it as productive.  It means I accomplish a decent amount, but it also makes it hard to relax... .  

In some ways, the emotional (and otherwise real) devastation of all of this gave me a bit of an opportunity to take a vacation from my productiveness affliction.  I realized that making it through a day (or an hour... .  or a minute... .  ) was an accomplishment in itself, so I just focused on that.  So here are some of the things I did to help me with that:

- Computer games.  I remembered that I had enjoyed computer games as an adolescent, so I bought some old nostalgic computer games and tried to get in to them.  Some of them are pretty boring, I guess... .  but symbolically it felt good to do something so inherently youthful and unimportant.

- bpdfamily.com.  Toodling through these boards and trying to come up with turns of phrases that made me feel sane, deep, and maybe even helpful to someone.  That helps a lot.

- Free Throws.  Shooting free throws at a basketball hoop.  I'd see how many I could make out of 100.

- OKcupid.  Browsing through online dating sites.  Too soon to date, probably... .  but it was still somewhat helpful to be reminded that there were a lot of other people out there.

- Corn Dogs + 30 Rock.  Eating crappy food (like corn dogs, specifically) while watching not-very-good sitcoms.  I hadn't watched a sitcom in probably about 10 years, but their stupid light-hearted takes on romance somehow felt like manna from heaven on some days.  If there is any show out there that might actually make you laugh, then watch it.

- Benadryl + LotR.  As others have said, little doses of sleeping pills (benadryl for me)... .  and then I would fall asleep while watching Lord of the Rings.  Every time I ever watched those, they made me want to fall asleep... .  so I decided to just really embrace that.  I liked being half asleep and hearing melodramatic speeches over pretty music... .  it presented quite a unique feeling of escape.  The sleeping pills is perhaps a bad habit, and I stopped with them after a little bit... .  but those peaceful moments seemed important at my most severe periods of despair.  And a good night's sleep often proved very helpful.

- Venting.  I vented at whoever would listen.  Co-workers, family, old friends, this board.  I vented everywhere, and it helped.

- Stupid shopping.  The lack of my uxBPDw actually improved my financial situation (even after alimony and child support)... .  so I finally got a lot of little fun-ish things that I had previously felt I couldn't afford.

- Podcasts.  I got an mp3 player, and started downloading podcasts that I thought were interesting or funny.  I would listen to them in the car, while falling asleep, doing chores, grocery shopping, etc.  It's a nice way to drown out the agony that silence seems to bring sometimes.  A bit of a crutch, perhaps, but helpful nonetheless.

- Listening to music.  I got spotify and would spend a lot of time trying to find new and compelling music.  The discovery of a single good song often could shift my mood from "sad and empty" to "melancholy in a deep kind of way", which is much better.

---

As for stuff that seemed more productive that also helped me to feel more like I was "making it":

- Exercise!  This, for me, has always been the best way to prove to myself that I'm still fighting, and improving, and working for the future.  You don't need an expensive gym membership or anything.  I have push-up bars, bands, and installed a pull-up bar in my house.  I have been doing P90X, and it makes me feel so much better about myself.  I got protein powders and everything, and it all helps so much.  Feeling your body change, and feeling stronger, and seeing your clothes fit better and stuff... .  it really helps.

- Re-organizing, decorating, and fixing the home.  Making it feel like a place you are proud to call home and a comforting place to be... .  that helps a lot, too, I think.  A sad day in a place that feels messy and gross is much worse than a sad day in a place that feels cozy.

- Making music.  Do you play an instrument or have any other form of artistic outlet?  I write and record music, and that often really helps.  If you don't have any outlet like that, this might be a good time to start... ?  Guitars aren't that expensive, and they are not too difficult to get started with.

---

With all of these things, I managed to make it through the days.  I was still completely miserable, but I made it through the days.  Occasionally I'd get excited at the prospect of doing something... .  but it was mainly all done with minimal enthusiasm.  That was okay, though.  Having evening plans of exercise, sitcoms, corn dogs, and music was a lot better than having evening plans of absolutely nothing.  I got through the days, and now I still do.  My life is still in shambles, I suppose, but things hurt a lot less now than they used to.  Time helps.

[HarmKrakow]

There's a lot of interesting stuff in this thread, and I think I've done most of the things that people have described here.  Focusing on practical suggestions, I would say this:

I've always suffered from "productivitis", which is a word I just made up to mean that I have a really difficult time doing something unless I can perceive it as productive.  It means I accomplish a decent amount, but it also makes it hard to relax... .  

In some ways, the emotional (and otherwise real) devastation of all of this gave me a bit of an opportunity to take a vacation from my productiveness affliction.  I realized that making it through a day (or an hour... .  or a minute... .  ) was an accomplishment in itself, so I just focused on that.  So here are some of the things I did to help me with that:

- Computer games.  I remembered that I had enjoyed computer games as an adolescent, so I bought some old nostalgic computer games and tried to get in to them.  Some of them are pretty boring, I guess... .  but symbolically it felt good to do something so inherently youthful and unimportant.

- bpdfamily.com.  Toodling through these boards and trying to come up with turns of phrases that made me feel sane, deep, and maybe even helpful to someone.  That helps a lot.

- Free Throws.  Shooting free throws at a basketball hoop.  I'd see how many I could make out of 100.

- OKcupid.  Browsing through online dating sites.  Too soon to date, probably... .  but it was still somewhat helpful to be reminded that there were a lot of other people out there.

- Corn Dogs + 30 Rock.  Eating crappy food (like corn dogs, specifically) while watching not-very-good sitcoms.  I hadn't watched a sitcom in probably about 10 years, but their stupid light-hearted takes on romance somehow felt like manna from heaven on some days.  If there is any show out there that might actually make you laugh, then watch it.

- Benadryl + LotR.  As others have said, little doses of sleeping pills (benadryl for me)... .  and then I would fall asleep while watching Lord of the Rings.  Every time I ever watched those, they made me want to fall asleep... .  so I decided to just really embrace that.  I liked being half asleep and hearing melodramatic speeches over pretty music... .  it presented quite a unique feeling of escape.  The sleeping pills is perhaps a bad habit, and I stopped with them after a little bit... .  but those peaceful moments seemed important at my most severe periods of despair.  And a good night's sleep often proved very helpful.

- Venting.  I vented at whoever would listen.  Co-workers, family, old friends, this board.  I vented everywhere, and it helped.

- Stupid shopping.  The lack of my uxBPDw actually improved my financial situation (even after alimony and child support)... .  so I finally got a lot of little fun-ish things that I had previously felt I couldn't afford.

- Podcasts.  I got an mp3 player, and started downloading podcasts that I thought were interesting or funny.  I would listen to them in the car, while falling asleep, doing chores, grocery shopping, etc.  It's a nice way to drown out the agony that silence seems to bring sometimes.  A bit of a crutch, perhaps, but helpful nonetheless.

- Listening to music.  I got spotify and would spend a lot of time trying to find new and compelling music.  The discovery of a single good song often could shift my mood from "sad and empty" to "melancholy in a deep kind of way", which is much better.

---

As for stuff that seemed more productive that also helped me to feel more like I was "making it":

- Exercise!  This, for me, has always been the best way to prove to myself that I'm still fighting, and improving, and working for the future.  You don't need an expensive gym membership or anything.  I have push-up bars, bands, and installed a pull-up bar in my house.  I have been doing P90X, and it makes me feel so much better about myself.  I got protein powders and everything, and it all helps so much.  Feeling your body change, and feeling stronger, and seeing your clothes fit better and stuff... .  it really helps.

- Re-organizing, decorating, and fixing the home.  Making it feel like a place you are proud to call home and a comforting place to be... .  that helps a lot, too, I think.  A sad day in a place that feels messy and gross is much worse than a sad day in a place that feels cozy.

- Making music.  Do you play an instrument or have any other form of artistic outlet?  I write and record music, and that often really helps.  If you don't have any outlet like that, this might be a good time to start... ?  Guitars aren't that expensive, and they are not too difficult to get started with.

---

With all of these things, I managed to make it through the days.  I was still completely miserable, but I made it through the days.  Occasionally I'd get excited at the prospect of doing something... .  but it was mainly all done with minimal enthusiasm.  That was okay, though.  Having evening plans of exercise, sitcoms, corn dogs, and music was a lot better than having evening plans of absolutely nothing.  I got through the days, and now I still do.  My life is still in shambles, I suppose, but things hurt a lot less now than they used to.  Time helps.

First of all, thank you so much for all the ideas! I have to admit, that some I can't really do due to the emotional bond it has with my ex. For example TV shows, reading a book or playing guitar, or cooking, or shopping. I fail horribly at doing so, I tried last weekend, to shop in the city on my own, after 5 minutes in the clothing store to pick some new shirts I had tears in my eyes and I went back home  :'(. Atleast I tried, thats for starters.

What I do do, is run, atleast every weekend, saturday and sunday and am thinking of maybe joining a running club. Other than that, I try to write off my emotions on paper or in word. Just write it off, as much as I can. Write write write... (if I have the chance I would maybe consider writing a book about all this misery) other than that I also clean, one of the few things which works therapeutically, and also taking long hot showers while watching something.

I noticed that I do need some sort of music or tv show on sleep modus when I go to sleep. I can't fall asleep without hearing anything. I have to hear something. Otherwise I get emotional again. Venting I like to do here and another forum i'm active on. I have to admit I don't really play a lot of video games as it unfortunately always gave me the feeling i'm wasting my time : (

I do like to talk to 'friends', but thats mostly online, as I don't have anyone living close to me which is a bit sad.

I still to often just want to crawl away in my big bedsheets and just cry that I hope all this ~ goes away one day. A lot of people around me tell me I let them down, as I once was that strong fella, but I turned out to be a weakling as I 'lost' from someone who took emotional control over me, and I watched and let it happen. Like sitting as a spectator in a chair next to your house, seeing your house getting molested and then complain about it because your in complete shock.

[Suzn]

What I do do, is run, atleast every weekend, saturday and sunday and am thinking of maybe joining a running club.

^this... .  would most likely change... this below (insert arrow down here, which I don't have on my keyboard) Great idea!

I do like to talk to 'friends', but thats mostly online, as I don't have anyone living close to me which is a bit sad.

I have to admit I don't really play a lot of video games as it unfortunately always gave me the feeling i'm wasting my time : (

If you find video games helpful right now, give yourself permission. This is guilt free 101, taking care of you.  

[HarmKrakow]

What I do do, is run, atleast every weekend, saturday and sunday and am thinking of maybe joining a running club.

^this... .  would most likely change... this below (insert arrow down here, which I don't have on my keyboard) Great idea!

I do like to talk to 'friends', but thats mostly online, as I don't have anyone living close to me which is a bit sad.

I have to admit I don't really play a lot of video games as it unfortunately always gave me the feeling i'm wasting my time : (

If you find video games helpful right now, give yourself permission. This is guilt free 101, taking care of you.  

I know, it maybe sounds silly, but it feels like a big step for me (Although i've been a supervisor at work with atleast 7/8 under me) now I don't feel that same social confidence. Meaning, I also run so I hope/feel i'm good enough that when I join the club I don't have to walk behind if you get my drift.

Btw, that moodgym link is funnily enough also in my own language