Completely deny the r/s?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Subject line sums it up.   I know their perceptions are off & feelings become their "facts", but anyone ever have their BPDex toyally DENY very significant points or time you shared, even the relationship itself, deny being with you?   After 5yrs,this was sure news to me... .  

[Whitefang]

Subject line sums it up.   I know their perceptions are off & feelings become their "facts", but anyone ever have their BPDex toyally DENY very significant points or time you shared, even the relationship itself, deny being with you?   After 5yrs,this was sure news to me... .  

[slimmiller]

They seem to be completely unable to retain the good feelings from before. Since they merely projected it at the time, it was in a sense not even real to them. Its like they minimize the good associated with having been with you all the while magnifying the bad. 

I think with their Mental maturity stunted as a three or four year, they simply do not function like we do. But like my T told me, do they recognize the fact or continue to feed it. i.e. do they at least admit or like the drunken alcoholic, chose to nurture the disfunction? One provides hope, the other is a chosen disfunction (as in the case of my exBPD) :'(

[HarmKrakow]

They seem to be completely unable to retain the good feelings from before. Since they merely projected it at the time, it was in a sense not even real to them. Its like they minimize the good associated with having been with you all the while magnifying the bad. 

I think with their Mental maturity stunted as a three or four year, they simply do not function like we do. But like my T told me, do they recognize the fact or continue to feed it. i.e. do they at least admit or like the drunken alcoholic, chose to nurture the disfunction? One provides hope, the other is a chosen disfunction (as in the case of my exBPD) :'(

Exactly, completely unable to retain the good feelings and magnify the bad. Ex-f@cking-tly! Nothing more nothing less. They do exactly that, they paint you SO black at the end of the r/s, just to give them self the 'confirmation' that the break-up is a good thing which to us NONS hurts like hell.

[Whitefang]

Yes, it hurts like hell!   In the case of mine, it helps her "stalker" accusations.   Finding out we were "just friends"  all that time.   Funny she still won't give my ring back.   I've given up on it.   "friends" don't profess the things she did & specifically make lifetime plans.   I'm not stupid & sure no loser.   She is the one who chased ME down for yrs when i was married.   Just when i think the fallout can't get any crazier... .  It is beyond anything my creative mind could comprehend!

[ThanksForPlaying]

I came here today with this exact thought in my head.  After divorcing uBPDW two years ago I've had several short nonBPD relationships but the most recent started to feel all too familiar (and very interesting to me that the one I was most invested in was most likely BPD - something to work on myself.)

Today we had a sort of breakup talk (although I'm prepared for recycling) and she said "I've never been happy in our relationship." Despite a years worth of smiling photos, cards, texts, etc as evidence of happiness.  She started going back and recharacterizing the whole relationship, even specific events, as times when she was extremely unhappy.

We've been dating for a year, and started talking about marriage, which seemed to be a major trigger.  She actually said to me, "I would have married you had you asked me early on in the relationship, but not now, it's been too long." So I should have proposed after one month?  That also means that at some point she was happy enough to get married, but no longer?  This is in the same conversation where she's "never been happy" with the relationship. This is a classic no-win situation she's developed.

I could go on but don't want to get too far off the topic.

Denying the whole relationship?  Yes, it happens.

[wuzdownandgetnbetter]

Subject line sums it up.   I know their perceptions are off & feelings become their "facts", but anyone ever have their BPDex toyally DENY very significant points or time you shared, even the relationship itself, deny being with you?   After 5yrs,this was sure news to me... .  

Yep ... .  many times.  Very sad.  I didn't realize it was part of the disorder for a long time.  Began to notice she really believed her denial state.  Very weird - something I'll never understand.

[jaird]

They seem to be completely unable to retain the good feelings from before. Since they merely projected it at the time, it was in a sense not even real to them. Its like they minimize the good associated with having been with you all the while magnifying the bad. 

I think with their Mental maturity stunted as a three or four year, they simply do not function like we do. But like my T told me, do they recognize the fact or continue to feed it. i.e. do they at least admit or like the drunken alcoholic, chose to nurture the disfunction? One provides hope, the other is a chosen disfunction (as in the case of my exBPD) :'(

Exactly, completely unable to retain the good feelings and magnify the bad. Ex-f@cking-tly! Nothing more nothing less. They do exactly that, they paint you SO black at the end of the r/s, just to give them self the 'confirmation' that the break-up is a good thing which to us NONS hurts like hell.

Amazing stuff. My ex talks about our times together like it was a dream. She completely ignores the plans we had discussed about being together for life. This is a woman who was so committed to monogamy and long terms relationships. A month after she broke us up, just two months before we were to live together, she was in a "noncommitted" relationship with a man she had just met. How she went from being insanely crazy about where I was and what i was doing, to being in a totally different type of relationship, just boggles my mind.

[jaird]

I came here today with this exact thought in my head.  After divorcing uBPDW two years ago I've had several short nonBPD relationships but the most recent started to feel all too familiar (and very interesting to me that the one I was most invested in was most likely BPD - something to work on myself.)

Today we had a sort of breakup talk (although I'm prepared for recycling) and she said "I've never been happy in our relationship." Despite a years worth of smiling photos, cards, texts, etc as evidence of happiness.  She started going back and recharacterizing the whole relationship, even specific events, as times when she was extremely unhappy.

We've been dating for a year, and started talking about marriage, which seemed to be a major trigger.  She actually said to me, "I would have married you had you asked me early on in the relationship, but not now, it's been too long." So I should have proposed after one month?  That also means that at some point she was happy enough to get married, but no longer?  This is in the same conversation where she's "never been happy" with the relationship. This is a classic no-win situation she's developed.

I could go on but don't want to get too far off the topic.

Denying the whole relationship?  Yes, it happens.

My ex too totally denies that she was happy last Nov. and Dec. when we travelled and spent a lot of time together. I have the pictures to prove she was happy, and smiling, and I can tell from photos when something is bothering her. She was clearly very happy, but now claims she wasn't. It's just mind-blowing.

[HardTruth]

I dated my exBPDbf for 2 months.  He initiated everything - Let's be monogamous... I'd love it if you brought a robe over... here's a drawer for you... .  Meet my friends... .  HE really wanted to meet my family, so I introduced them... .    Then when he broke up with me, out of the blue - it was all my fault and due to my deficiencies of course! - he called me his "lover".  Would not even admit that he was my boyfriend!  It was SO weird! 

I think it was because it was a lot easier to break up with a "lover" than a "girlfriend" - made him not look as bad.  Especially since he said the reason was that I wasn't sexy enough... .  blah blah blah... .  

[Whitefang]

The denial is so insane & off!   Is this why they think WE are the crazy ones?   Real question... .  

This was not a 1-sided thing & she portrays like it was.   Very insulting for her to take away so much & leave me looking stupid to ppl she smears me to.   So not only did we break up (though I found out, she never said), it just "never existed"?   Tells ppl we were just friends & im psycho?   Yeahright... .  Easy to make all her new" friends " believe that.   First it was we never slept together (all those yrs right!), now it was just nothing?   Can she honestly believe this? Why?

[HarmKrakow]

The denial is so insane & off!   Is this why they think WE are the crazy ones?   Real question... .  

This was not a 1-sided thing & she portrays like it was.   Very insulting for her to take away so much & leave me looking stupid to ppl she smears me to.   So not only did we break up (though I found out, she never said), it just "never existed"?   Tells ppl we were just friends & im psycho?   Yeahright... .  Easy to make all her new" friends " believe that.   First it was we never slept together (all those yrs right!), now it was just nothing?   Can she honestly believe this? Why?

The painting black relates to the fact that for themselves they JUSTIFY in their head that you were the bad one, the monster ... and by shouting it out constantly, they won't feel guilty, nor ashamed nor remorse...

[jaird]

The denial is so insane & off!   Is this why they think WE are the crazy ones?   Real question... .  

This was not a 1-sided thing & she portrays like it was.   Very insulting for her to take away so much & leave me looking stupid to ppl she smears me to.   So not only did we break up (though I found out, she never said), it just "never existed"?   Tells ppl we were just friends & im psycho?   Yeahright... .  Easy to make all her new" friends " believe that.   First it was we never slept together (all those yrs right!), now it was just nothing?   Can she honestly believe this? Why?

The painting black relates to the fact that for themselves they JUSTIFY in their head that you were the bad one, the monster ... and by shouting it out constantly, they won't feel guilty, nor ashamed nor remorse...

Shame was a huge motivator for my ex. She felt it constantly, even when there was no reason to. And there usually was no reason to. Guilt and remorse she has little or none of. No feelings whatsoever for other people she has hurt along the way, or in general.

[HardTruth]

One of the things I've been working on in this process is the concept of Surrender.

Dealing with a BPD is standing on unstable ground.  What is said and done today, can be different tomorrow.  Can be different in an hour!  The story changes immediately as a knee-jerk reaction to try to maintain some control in themselves - to not face themselves, for example, or to relieve the fear or anxiety they're experiencing - regardless of whether it makes logical sense or not.  

Trying to point out logic, common sense, or inconsistencies only leads to more fear responses and story-telling.  It gets exhausting after a while.  

One day you just give up and realize you can't change someone else's crazy.

[jaird]

One of the things I've been working on in this process is the concept of Surrender.

Dealing with a BPD is standing on unstable ground.  What is said and done today, can be different tomorrow.  Can be different in an hour!  The story changes immediately as a knee-jerk reaction to try to maintain some control in themselves - to not face themselves, for example, or to relieve the fear or anxiety they're experiencing - regardless of whether it makes logical sense or not.  

Trying to point out logic, common sense, or inconsistencies only leads to more fear responses and story-telling.  It gets exhausting after a while.  

One day you just give up and realize you can't change someone else's crazy.

Yes, pointing out things with logic, pointing out inconsistencies, and using common sense, were all dead ends for me. I found that so frustrating, as I always do when discussing something with someone who has a closed mind.

What seems so strange to me though is that this woman abandoned a relationship she had always maintained was so good, so perfect, and has now apparently sworn off any type of long term relationship that involves emotional intimacy because she realizes how damaged she is. She had a man (me), that she claims to have wanted so much. And that man understood her condition and was willing to work with her and learn and help in any way he could. She abandoned that type of "real" relationship for a "whatever works for my physically", type relationship.