long Strong anger followed by intense compassion/pity

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I just totally lost it over a FB pic I saw of my uBPD husband from whom I've been separated for about 5 weeks.  I've been feeling strong, relatively speaking, and I feel resolved in my decision to leave though it breaks my heart. I know it is right.  We work together (see each other rarely at work) yet have not spoken since I left; our only communication has been via email.  Though I've felt strong since I actually left (went through heavy despair/depression/grief around holidays, cried for days, was put on antidepressants, etc.), last week I began to experience my first very strong anger.

I'm very slow to anger normally.  I'm very patient and tolerant, perhaps to a fault.  Last week, though, we had an email exchange about our house (which we both own), and he was extremely nasty in these email exchanges.  I kept my communications polite and matter-of-fact until the final email (in which he was calling me stupid, etc.), put me over the edge, and I responded that I was prepared to use a lawyer for our divorce.  Previously, he and I agreed to do a no-fault divorce, as it makes sense to save the thousands of dollars in legal fees when we have no custody issues to deal with.

After I sent him a strong and assertive email, he emailed a couple of times the next day (we were still discussing same house issue) and tone changed completely - he used salutation for first time and was not at all nasty.

The whole email event brought my anger out the strongest it's been.  I vented about it to 2 close friends (one of whom has a BPD mom and has been through hell) and to a family member.  I let all of them read the emails, and they agreed he seems about to crack and they advised I seek legal counsel.  

Then, this morning I woke up from an extremely vivid and intense dream in which I was ragingly angry  and acting in a way I have never acted my entire life.  I was at the house/office of a pretty blonde who I think was his attorney or something of the sort.  His ex best friend from years ago (a druggie/womanizer yet financially successful guy) was there along with my husband.  In the dream I had pieced together all kinds of things (can't remember what) that I was furious about and even suspected that he and the blonde had had affair (he cheated on FB but never actually slept with anyone - he accused me of cheating though!).  I was screaming (F*** this and that!) and just RAGING like ... .  well, like a crazy person.  The blonde was indulging my anger and almost smirking at me, tolerating my yelling and ranting.  My husband, too, was just taking it in, looking at me like I was mad.  It made me angrier and angrier.  

I then began smashing and destroying absolutely everything in the house -- swiping things off the table, throwing and breaking to smithereens anything that was breakable (and there was plenty to break).  The blonde and my husband just patiently came around behind me, picking everything up and putting it back on the table or shelf.  After they "cleaned up" I went through a couple more times and resmashed and destroyed anything they had picked up.  It was just out of control.  Later in the dream, we were at my new house (which doesn't exist in real life!) and he showed up, somehow trying to appease me and I went nuts again yelling and screaming my head off.  

Needless to say, I woke up feeling very disturbed and EXHAUSTED.

Now, this brings me to what just brought me to my knees.  Although I know in some way anger is healthy, the flip side is that recognizing that he is self-destructing, being irrational, not taking care of himself health-wise (at all!), abusing substances, losing it a little at work, etc.  all bring out deep, deep feelings of compassion and pity for him.  I had many great years and times with this man who is now his own worst enemy.  I care for him and love him (or who he was). So, while last week, I was livid with his sense of entitlement and belittling emails, I was very distraught over the intensity of my anger in the dream.  It did not feel cathartic.  It felt out-of-control and wrong.  Scary.  I thought why should I feel so angry when he can't help who he is?

Then, just now my compassion was triggered HUGELY.

He unfriended me and blocked me from his FB (I deactivated my account when I left); however, I confess that I have peeked at one of his friend's page a few times, where I occasionally can see something about him (yes, I realize that's not a healthy thing for me to do).

Well, he has changed his profile picture.  He has a huge smile in the picture and actually looks happy (I think he had friends over), but... .  I swear, he looks as though he's aged 10 years in last couple of months... .  he looks utterly awful to the point where I just began bawling when I saw it and am STILL crying now.  I just can't stop crying.  I felt compelled to pull up pics of him on my computer from less than 6 months ago where he looks like a completely different person.

His hair has gone totally gray, he has scruffy facial hair (also gray/ he has always been clean-shaven and is very handsome), wrinkled and drawn looking (he is naturally thin but is so skinny now).  He simply looks unwell and horrible!  He looks like he could be sixty years old, and he's only in his 40s!  I feel so bad for him... .  I feel some guilt - have I done this to him?  I feel that pang of "for better for worse" -- am I abandoning him? 

Anyway, I don't know what all this means, except that I feel miserable and am very emotional right now.     :'(

I realize I have written a book ... .  if you read it all hooray! ha.  I think I wrote it mainly for myself - I needed to record it while fresh so I can analyze later.  

 

[atcrossroads]

I just totally lost it over a FB pic I saw of my uBPD husband from whom I've been separated for about 5 weeks.  I've been feeling strong, relatively speaking, and I feel resolved in my decision to leave though it breaks my heart. I know it is right.  We work together (see each other rarely at work) yet have not spoken since I left; our only communication has been via email.  Though I've felt strong since I actually left (went through heavy despair/depression/grief around holidays, cried for days, was put on antidepressants, etc.), last week I began to experience my first very strong anger.

I'm very slow to anger normally.  I'm very patient and tolerant, perhaps to a fault.  Last week, though, we had an email exchange about our house (which we both own), and he was extremely nasty in these email exchanges.  I kept my communications polite and matter-of-fact until the final email (in which he was calling me stupid, etc.), put me over the edge, and I responded that I was prepared to use a lawyer for our divorce.  Previously, he and I agreed to do a no-fault divorce, as it makes sense to save the thousands of dollars in legal fees when we have no custody issues to deal with.

After I sent him a strong and assertive email, he emailed a couple of times the next day (we were still discussing same house issue) and tone changed completely - he used salutation for first time and was not at all nasty.

The whole email event brought my anger out the strongest it's been.  I vented about it to 2 close friends (one of whom has a BPD mom and has been through hell) and to a family member.  I let all of them read the emails, and they agreed he seems about to crack and they advised I seek legal counsel.  

Then, this morning I woke up from an extremely vivid and intense dream in which I was ragingly angry  and acting in a way I have never acted my entire life.  I was at the house/office of a pretty blonde who I think was his attorney or something of the sort.  His ex best friend from years ago (a druggie/womanizer yet financially successful guy) was there along with my husband.  In the dream I had pieced together all kinds of things (can't remember what) that I was furious about and even suspected that he and the blonde had had affair (he cheated on FB but never actually slept with anyone - he accused me of cheating though!).  I was screaming (F*** this and that!) and just RAGING like ... .  well, like a crazy person.  The blonde was indulging my anger and almost smirking at me, tolerating my yelling and ranting.  My husband, too, was just taking it in, looking at me like I was mad.  It made me angrier and angrier.  

I then began smashing and destroying absolutely everything in the house -- swiping things off the table, throwing and breaking to smithereens anything that was breakable (and there was plenty to break).  The blonde and my husband just patiently came around behind me, picking everything up and putting it back on the table or shelf.  After they "cleaned up" I went through a couple more times and resmashed and destroyed anything they had picked up.  It was just out of control.  Later in the dream, we were at my new house (which doesn't exist in real life!) and he showed up, somehow trying to appease me and I went nuts again yelling and screaming my head off.  

Needless to say, I woke up feeling very disturbed and EXHAUSTED.

Now, this brings me to what just brought me to my knees.  Although I know in some way anger is healthy, the flip side is that recognizing that he is self-destructing, being irrational, not taking care of himself health-wise (at all!), abusing substances, losing it a little at work, etc.  all bring out deep, deep feelings of compassion and pity for him.  I had many great years and times with this man who is now his own worst enemy.  I care for him and love him (or who he was). So, while last week, I was livid with his sense of entitlement and belittling emails, I was very distraught over the intensity of my anger in the dream.  It did not feel cathartic.  It felt out-of-control and wrong.  Scary.  I thought why should I feel so angry when he can't help who he is?

Then, just now my compassion was triggered HUGELY.

He unfriended me and blocked me from his FB (I deactivated my account when I left); however, I confess that I have peeked at one of his friend's page a few times, where I occasionally can see something about him (yes, I realize that's not a healthy thing for me to do).

Well, he has changed his profile picture.  He has a huge smile in the picture and actually looks happy (I think he had friends over), but... .  I swear, he looks as though he's aged 10 years in last couple of months... .  he looks utterly awful to the point where I just began bawling when I saw it and am STILL crying now.  I just can't stop crying.  I felt compelled to pull up pics of him on my computer from less than 6 months ago where he looks like a completely different person.

His hair has gone totally gray, he has scruffy facial hair (also gray/ he has always been clean-shaven and is very handsome), wrinkled and drawn looking (he is naturally thin but is so skinny now).  He simply looks unwell and horrible!  He looks like he could be sixty years old, and he's only in his 40s!  I feel so bad for him... .  I feel some guilt - have I done this to him?  I feel that pang of "for better for worse" -- am I abandoning him? 

Anyway, I don't know what all this means, except that I feel miserable and am very emotional right now.     :'(

I realize I have written a book ... .  if you read it all hooray! ha.  I think I wrote it mainly for myself - I needed to record it while fresh so I can analyze later.  

 

[gina louise]

atcrossroads

First

Hire a L, you will eventually be relieved and happy that you did. Don't cave. Use a  lawyer.

Use your anger to help propel you though these tough times. Don't apologize for it. It's there to help protect you.

You just stuffed it down all those years.

That dream was years of your subconscious telling you this stuff is/was not right.

I haven't felt too angry-I was pissed during the ending of the marriage and was able to vent that. I am wondering if there's more to come. I am also very tolerant and patient-having grown up with dysfunction in my FOO. It seems normal (to me) to tolerate the intolerable.

I'm learning and practicing much stronger boundaries nowadays. Even with my FOO.

Compassion is fine. Don't let it sway you, though. Pray for his recovery from a safe distance. Seriously.

My HUSBAND looks bad too-but swears alternately that he's on cloud nine with his new/old Life back... .  

Or he's Doomed to be Alone and Miserable Forever.

Whichever way the wind blows that day. Or hour.

I believe my HUSBAND is dating, or trying to... .  so his new Shiny happy life depends on whether any new women give him the time of day. 

Hang in there. I am nearly 4 months out-and stronger and feeling better than I ever believed possible...

GL

[GreenMango]

  grief sucks.

[atcrossroads]

Thank you, both so much.   

GL, yes, my T has told me more than once that getting angry would help, and he was right.  One of my two friends I've shared with also validated what you just said - that anger can motivate one to ACT.  So, while I wallowed in despair and was paralyzed and too sad to act, maybe now I can seek an attorney and put things in motion.  In other words, get things done that need to be done.

But, GM, heck yes, grief and guilt are KILLER.  It's so bizarre and unsettling to feel such strong emotions... .  and so close together.  It's like my head/heart cannot decide whether I am incredibly ticked off or sad for him.  I know it's both, but man, this does HURT. 

I think I am going to go for a walk to clear my head.  I haven't cried since the first week I left (so about a month ago).  Well, at least not more than a couple tears.  Today the floodgates opened.

Your support means the world.   

[atcrossroads]

And, I have looked at the pic about 6 more times since I posted this earlier today.  I need to stop looking at it and ruminating about it, but it has really touched me.  He truly looks like a different person.

[Woozy]

You're angry! Good for you. You have a LOT to be angry about.

It sounds like you're fighting tooth and nail to not be angry, which is likely making it worse. It's only been 5 weeks out of a marriage! That's no time at all. Your emotions are legitimately still raw.

"all bring out deep, deep feelings of compassion and pity for him"

Right now doesn't seem like the best time to empathize with someone you just got away from. Someone who is verbally abusing you. Plus, pity? That sounds like 'rescuer' talk. You can't save people, they choose to save themselves (or not).

Maybe you're feeling so guilty about being angry? Feel it. Let it out, regroup, then keep moving forward.

"I feel some guilt - have I done this to him?  I feel that pang of "for better for worse" -- am I abandoning him?"

Sounds like you tried to stick it out as long as possible. Maybe, in ways (emotionally), he abandoned you. I'm guessing you feel like you put a lot of effort in that relationship.

Good luck! Sounds like you're doing great. You're wounded, but free. You'll heal. Stop looking for him on the web! You know it ONLY makes you feel worse.

[almost789]

I feel both angry and compassionate. One day I hate him for doing this and causing me to break up with him, the next I love him and feel sad for him and want him back. Then I hate him again. It's so confusing.