Just never seems to stop hurting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't know why I feel better for a few days, and then feel sad again about the breakup. It's been three months now, and I'm sure I would have gotten over it much sooner except for the fact that she bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and asked me if I was in this for the long haul. That made me keep trying to get back with her for two months. I could not believe that breaking up was what she truly wanted after two years of discussing living together and being long term partners.

I am left alternating between the cold realization that this is the cruelest person I have ever met, and person who did similar things to other men, and remembering how devoted she was to me in the beginning and middle and even towards the end of our relationship. The paradoxes just boggle my mind.

Now she has decided that she may not have BPD, because everyone else she reads about who broke up and either has BPD, or their ex has it, well "none of those people had out issues". As if a person with BPD would only end a relationship because there were NO issues. She does not seem to realize that every relationship has issues, and every person with or without BPD who ends a relationship does so for some reason. The difference, I think, between the person affected with BPD and a "normal" person is 1. How they end the relationship, often without communication or warning. And 2. How quickly the affected person can move on, even if it is into a totally different type of relationship, one they claimed to never be interested in.

[jaird]

I don't know why I feel better for a few days, and then feel sad again about the breakup. It's been three months now, and I'm sure I would have gotten over it much sooner except for the fact that she bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and asked me if I was in this for the long haul. That made me keep trying to get back with her for two months. I could not believe that breaking up was what she truly wanted after two years of discussing living together and being long term partners.

I am left alternating between the cold realization that this is the cruelest person I have ever met, and person who did similar things to other men, and remembering how devoted she was to me in the beginning and middle and even towards the end of our relationship. The paradoxes just boggle my mind.

Now she has decided that she may not have BPD, because everyone else she reads about who broke up and either has BPD, or their ex has it, well "none of those people had out issues". As if a person with BPD would only end a relationship because there were NO issues. She does not seem to realize that every relationship has issues, and every person with or without BPD who ends a relationship does so for some reason. The difference, I think, between the person affected with BPD and a "normal" person is 1. How they end the relationship, often without communication or warning. And 2. How quickly the affected person can move on, even if it is into a totally different type of relationship, one they claimed to never be interested in.

[HarmKrakow]

I don't know why I feel better for a few days, and then feel sad again about the breakup. It's been three months now, and I'm sure I would have gotten over it much sooner except for the fact that she bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and asked me if I was in this for the long haul. That made me keep trying to get back with her for two months. I could not believe that breaking up was what she truly wanted after two years of discussing living together and being long term partners.

I am left alternating between the cold realization that this is the cruelest person I have ever met, and person who did similar things to other men, and remembering how devoted she was to me in the beginning and middle and even towards the end of our relationship. The paradoxes just boggle my mind.

Now she has decided that she may not have BPD, because everyone else she reads about who broke up and either has BPD, or their ex has it, well "none of those people had out issues". As if a person with BPD would only end a relationship because there were NO issues. She does not seem to realize that every relationship has issues, and every person with or without BPD who ends a relationship does so for some reason. The difference, I think, between the person affected with BPD and a "normal" person is 1. How they end the relationship, often without communication or warning. And 2. How quickly the affected person can move on, even if it is into a totally different type of relationship, one they claimed to never be interested in.

I am 2 weeks out i was hoping not to feel the way you do in 10 weeks time .  As it seems the pain is only getting worse. R/s with BPDers are substantially different than others as the ending is nastier than any other normal ending of a r/s

[sunrising]

It's not just *the way they end* which makes relationships with pwBPD so difficult to get past.   Do some research on "trauma bonding" & codependency.   There's more to it than just the unusual way the relationship ends, and we were wiling participants. The most important thing you can do, when you're ready, is figure out the role you played in the relationship and *why* you played that role.   I'm working on that myself and I'm starting to learn some things about myself.  You can't change your exwBPD.  Only they can do that.  But you can learn more about yourself and change how you select partners as well as how you handle yourself in a relationship.  

[HarmKrakow]

It's not just *the way they end* which makes relationships with pwBPD so difficult to get past.   Do some research on "trauma bonding" & codependency.   There's more to it than just the unusual way the relationship ends, and we were wiling participants. The most important thing you can do, when you're ready, is figure out the role you played in the relationship and *why* you played that role.   I'm working on that myself and I'm starting to learn some things about myself.  You can't change your exwBPD.  Only they can do that.  But you can learn more about yourself and change how you select partners as well as how you handle yourself in a relationship.  

Good point, as "we as nons" brought trauma within the r/s fuelling the BPD. However, i have to admit, if it wasn't for all the painting black/lack of empathy in the end I would have felt a lot better now. Its those 2 which drove me away the deepest in regards of hurt, and then ofcourse the issue with our own issues which we brought along the relationship, the fact they filled a scarily deep void within us... But the lack of empathy and painting black hurted the most.

[jaird]

I found this thread/workshop a good read and helpful

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm