why she cheated on me

[fakename]

my ex cheated on me because i wasnt able to provide for her. thats why i believe she didn't cheat on her last ex or her current bf.

and i guess that hurts me.

when she left me for a year as she tried to make a r/s work with another guy, i was employed, but i think we committed too many wrongs to each other to resolve it without hard work.

i lost that job because i had deeper issues and i didn't know how to respond to the breakup and understand what was going on inside me, and i became an alcoholic and in time, lost my job after doing the bare minimum instead of trying (though i did get screwed over there , regardless i didnt like the job anyway)... .  but when she came back i was unemployed again, lost my license and living with my parents. i dont think any girl would work hard to maintain a r/s in those conditions.

it was my fault and i guess thats why today hurts.

i guess it also hurts that she's happy with her new bf. and its wrong of me to get my happiness only if knowing that things aren't going well between them.

i would appreciate some thoughts or insights.

[hithere]

my ex cheated on me because i wasnt able to provide for her. thats why i believe she didn't cheat on her last ex or her current bf.

I am sure there was much more to it than that.  If she has BPD then she cheated for many other reasons. Also, how do you know she did not cheat on her ex and her current bf?

Are you in therapy?

[fakename]

well i know there were a whole hsot of reasons why she cheated. many of them i couldnt do anything about, and i'm aware that she would always have a variety of excuses as to why she didnt want to be with me from time to time (even after i gave up alcohol, she would have some equally strong case against being with me - i would keep asking then why do you keep coming back, to which she would reply because no one shows me the love you do.)

anyway, i just have to acknowledge that while her actions and behavior was wrong, i did not help my cause by not being able to show her i could provide for her.  it has nothing to do with BPD or her... any girl would want that. i need to put my life together.

i'm not in therapy. cant afford it, and no license to be able to get there and back.

i'm sure it would help, but overall i am managing fine on my own.

[marbleloser]

"i did not help my cause by not being able to show her i could provide for her.  it has nothing to do with BPD or her... any girl would want that. i need to put my life together"

Is there a reason she can't provide for herself? You put a big weight on your shoulders when you "provide" for anyone,barring kids.And I'd venture to say that any girl "doesn't" want that.They want to be loved.Same as you or I.It doesn't come from providing for them and you don't get it from providing.I always provided for my exW.EVERYTHING.It didn't make a difference.She's still my stbxW.

I know a few who have always provided as well.Their wives still cheated on them.

As far as your drinking,yes.I'd say you need to work on that.Take baby steps and work your way back up.This you can control,but it's going to take hard work on your part.

[fakename]

I don't think I've met a girl who doesn't want her potential future husband to bring them a stable financial life. This is at least my point of view.

Drinking is under control. I Drank twice in the past year - on a camping trip and on my birthday. I used to abuse it as used it as an escape. I also thought I needed it. The sober life is much much better.

I understand there are man other things at play in cheating, I appreciate you not letting me beat myself up.  I also know the reasons why I would never cheat.

But I have to accept some level of accountability in my role in the relationship if you can even call it that. I was not secure financially or employment-wise (I believe a true partner would stand by your side during the tough times) and I also allowed someone else to depreciate my value I neglected my self worth. Regardless of my past experiences throughout my life or while with her, I believe I shouldn't have allowed myself to make excuses and just focused on what I want to accomplish with my life.

[Somewhere]

And sometimes folks that cheat are just skanks.

Is what they is.

Either way, be glad it is gone.

[GustheDog]

i dont think any girl would work hard to maintain a r/s in those conditions.

it was my fault and i guess thats why today hurts.

Dude, no.  Stop.

(1) Not your fault.  Maybe you need to work on improving yourself in certain areas, but that does not justify or excuse someone treating you poorly.

(2) If I was dating someone who I believed would give up on me because I was going through some hard times, that person is a scumbag opportunist who doesn't care one bit about me as a person.  I would not be dating that person the minute after I had reason to believe something like this about them.

[doubleAries]

fakename,

You need to read this Co-dependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability. A few times.

AA is free, and can help you remain sober, deal with your alcohol issues, and meet other people who are also having co-dependency issues.

I've been down the road you're on before. And I'm going to put it bluntly--taking "responsibility" for what others have done to you is a way to avoid what your actual responsibilities are. Your gf is resonsible for cheating on you. You know that, we all know that. It's a smoke screen issue. That's HER personal inventory--not yours.

It is not your "responsibility" to "provide for" a woman. You say that's what women want, I'm a woman, I'm telling you otherwise. Women whose sole or main expectation out of a relationship is to be "provided for" are called "gold diggers". Some men have the same expectation--they are called "gigolos" or "male gold diggers". If someone you love cheats on you because you didn't "provide for" them, they are called a "hooker". She didn't cheat on you because you didn't provide for her. She cheated on you because she is an emotionally immature BPD. And the relationship fell apart because neither of you was emotionally mature or independent.

So what IS a healthy relationship about? Well try this The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships . Hey, not claiming I have this down pat--I don't. Not even close. But I'm working towards it purposefully. It isn't about "fault" anymore. It's about improvement.

God--grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[fakename]

thanks for the support guys,

i understand that hey, she knew my situation when she kept coming back to me, 1, dont come back and then complain about it. 2, she's making it pretty obvious that she's only coming to me cause she's hurt and needs someone to console her until she gets better or til her ex is horny and contacts her (i addressed this with her many times, because it kept happening)

but i still believe i put myself in the spot i was in.  

being unemployed and all that stuff deterred my own growth and evolution.  it allowed me to view myself with decreased value. my growing defeatist and negative attitude allowed me to allow her to treat me so poorly despite what values/standards i previously held myself against and it allowed me to lose myself. it wasn't just her.

i guess what i'm thinking is that i am ultimately accountable because i allowed things to get to where they went. i could come up with excuses here and there. blame my childhood dynamics or whatever. i should have ended it after the first cheating incident and at the very least analyzed the relationship from the first offenses of abuse.  what caused me not to was the way i was living my life and not taking care of myself.  

i guess i feel that i put myself in the situation because i didn't value myself enough even before she came into my life. what i ultimately did was place a stamp of invaluable on a flawed person (her) so i could continue to neglect how i was treating myself.  

i guess i'm thinking i just feel like i should have put more value in myself and things would have turned out differently

whether these are truths or not, i don't know yet. but i just believe it was worth exploring the thoughts

[fakename]

doublearies, thanks for the link. i'll re-read and make sure i grasp it tomorrow. i've been on the boards long enough today. time for a movie and sleep


and while on the topic on my drinking... .  

i really hated how she would tell all her family and her 'friends' that i was an alcoholic and thats why it didnt work in the past.

guess what i wasnt drinking the 2nd time around, and she still treating me the exact same. only difference was this time around i never yelled or put her down

[doubleAries]

NOW we're talking!

Those are excellent insights, fakename. Now it's just about what we do with them.

Hold onto this article--it's EXCELLENT and is already bringing about some measurable self change for me https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;topicseen

[fakename]

doublearies,

so i read the characteristics of a healthy relationship last night. its def. great. and eye opening in seeing that the r/s with my ex had no foundation whatsoever.  its a great article and i plan to refer to it often

im not sure how the co-dependent article applies to me.

i like being appreciated for things that i do (dont need it all the time, but its nice to know that the other person appreciates my efforts, i dont need everyone to know, i have been raised to believe in anonymous charity. i just need the person i do it for to appreciate it and take soemthing from it.)

i like to think i am very unselfish.  i also believed that when i get into a r/s i'll do whatever i can do make the girl happy and appease to her.  i dont think that was so i can feel good about myself, but rather to just treat my girl like a princess.  i guess i do need something back though in that i like appreciation and reciprocation.  even though i never got it with my ex, so its weird why i just ignored that and stuck around and for me, that was abuse i gave to myself. 

i knew who i was without my ex. i changed that when being with my ex. and i lost myself.  i lost passion in my interests and threw things to the side.  i gave up myself to mold into what i would need to be in order to be with her and make things work with her.

i can see how i did have some of the co-dependent characteristics of over-doing and then thinking that i'm being taken advantage of.  i dont believe i've behaved that way since i've become sober, but i'm going to pay attention to it.  i feel like in my relationships with anyone, i don't really expect anything back in return any more, anything i give i am glad to - this is mainly because i've kicked out anyone in my life that didn't treat me as i treat them. (with the exception of my ex)

i never really sought out girls with problems, but i believe i evolved some of my co-dependency when with my ex in that focusing so much on her, i was able to neglect my own problems and not pay attention to what i should improve about myself. i also believe i did begin sometimes carry resentment sometimes with my ex, because it felt like nothing i did would be appreciated or reciprocated. 

i'll have to go through the memory files link you provided later on.

[doubleAries]

Yeah, the memory files article is pretty long, but well worth the read--especially towards the middle and end. But if you related to the helthy relationships article, then you might also really like this one Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us This was a hard one for me, because I do not see myself as a sex addict. But there were still parts of this article that really hit home for me, in a somewhat uncomfortable way.

I also do pretty well on my own. But for some reason, when I get into a relationship, I become a "help-aholic". I help with things my partner doesn't even WANT help with  . And it ends up creating lots of resentment. On both sides. I find that when I try to NOT help or fix, I don't have much to say. That's kind of telling. It's more deeply ingrained than I thought.

[fakename]

doublearies,

thanks for the articles.

1, the memory one was great, and something i'll keep to revert back to.

2, the sex one was also interesting. i always felt that love or intimacy should grow in a r/s, and never felt that with my ex. equally important, i can see how some of my ex's behaviors impact her

[yeeter]

Hi fake,

The other piece that jumps out to me in your post, is that you have your own personal self worth associated to your employment and being a provider.  That's somewhat cultural (for example more common in the US than say Australia), and likely wrapped up in some childhood upbringing.

Your work title or how much you make doesn't have to define you as a person.  And many women understand thus and are attracted to the underlying person, not the pay stub or house or car you drive.

Great great post by Aries.   

[fakename]

hey yeeter

thanks for writing

yeah, as i've grown, i came to realize that my work title and how much i make doesnt define me as a person,

but i guess she just did a good job at making me feel like i'm nothing.

i'm getting back in touch with who i am and who i should be though. so thats good news

[doubleAries]

That IS good news! That's what we're all doing here, and it sure does help to do that with others who understand! My stbx husbands family had the dynamic with the father being pretty stingy with his praise and emotions overall (except anger). The only thing he could bring himself to dole out praise for was achievement. So all 7 of his sons are over achiever workaholics.

In my own family, achievement was ridiculed and/or treated like an unexpected anomoly. So my self worth comes from what others think of me. And if they act in embarrassing or inappropriate ways, then I think that I'm a "failure".

It just takes practise doing some other more healthy reactions.

It IS nice getting away from the drama, though, and having time to sort out your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, isn't it?