How can you not love a child?

[Bama]

As and adult daughter of an uBPD mother, and now a mother myself, I am struggling to understand... .  how could she be so cold and withholding? Why didn't she love me? Why didn't my needs matter?

As I continue to try and make sense of old hurts and behaviors, I find myself continually coming back to the idea that I was completely unimportant, a burden to her... .  and as I try to resolve these feelings, I can't help but incorporate how I feel towards my own children.

They are a JOY! They are pure and innocent and so loving and trusting. And they sincerely depend on me. How can a parent feel anything but humble love and service to them?

Of course there are moments that make me want to bang my head against the wall in frustration, but parenting is a challenge and that's normal! They are learning to be little people and depend on me to instill in them a sense of importance, worth, confidence. I treasure my kids, I truly have never felt a deeper devotion.

So my question is this? Why didn't she love me? Why wasn't I good enough. I know the text book answers in my head, but in my heart I feel like a broken confused child that just needs a hug. Needs to know my mom loves me, cares about me, that I am worthy of being loved

[NotTheMama]

So my question is this? Why didn't she love me? Why wasn't I good enough. I know the text book answers in my head, but in my heart I feel like a broken confused child that just needs a hug. Needs to know my mom loves me, cares about me, that I am worthy of being loved

Well, here is a hug!    The answer, of course, is that your mom was not capable of those things.  That, of course, is not your fault.  Which, of course, makes no difference to a child, who will be confused and internalize the hurt and lack of love.

I neither have nor want children, so the feelings you have about children do not really resonate with me personally and I understand the feelings of your mother (but your feelings seem totally right for a parent!).  But the only rational choice in such a case is not to have children.  In this way, I am avoiding hurting another person, who would be totally dependent on me.

I would call that feeling in your heart your inner child.  Your inner child needs to be nurtured, loved, protected and parented.  You cannot get that from your mother, so you will need to be your own parent.  You need to tell your inner child that she is worthy of being loved, that you will always be there to keep her safe, and that your love is unconditional, so being "good enough" really has no meaning.  In short, everything you're doing for the children of your body you also do for the child of your heart. 

Real world example:  So I have to be a parent to myself too since my parents did not do the job.  One of the ways I show my inner child that I will always be there to keep her safe is that when I find myself exposed to media or situations that are triggering for me, I am learning to have my brain put on my "parent" hat and exercise discretion on behalf of my inner child.  That might mean changing the channel, shutting a web page, or removing myself from someone's presence, just as a parent would do if their child was exposed to something traumatizing or inappropriate.

Of course, as you said, you know the textbook answers in your head.  I experience a similar thing-- I call it knowing something in my head versus knowing it in my guts.  When I know it in my guts, it is a "true thing" ^TM.  A lot of things that I know in my guts right now are wrong.  So through repetition of living the things I know in my head over and over and over, I am overwriting the things I know in my guts that are wrong.  The key is patience, persistence, and time.  And the more times you succeed in rewriting your truth to something that is healthier, I think the easier it gets.

And I would just like to reaffirm one more time that you are a worthwhile human being. 

[hopesprings]

Bama,

I'm a mom of 3 and I also have a uBPD mother.  Being a parent is a hard job, but I think for most mentally healthy people, having the right instincts to be a good parent is natural.  Compassion, concern, recognizing your child's needs, not needing your child to parent you ... .  it goes on and on. It has been shocking and heartbreaking for me to realize that the decisions I make about my children that seem intuitive to me are mostly incomprehensible to my mother.  Even today, things she continues to do to her adult children are things that I could never do. I have to remind myself daily that she is not able to make the kinds of choices that I make and I have to remind myself to stop judging her for that inability.  Judging my mother just makes me feel sad about the relationship we have never had, nor ever will have.  She can't be the kind of mother I am or I deserve.  I don't mean for that to sound arrogant or self righteous, it is just how I am able to cope with her behavior.

[CBoo]

My father was the same. I've found it really helpful to soothe myself in the way I would have liked to have been soothed then. Kind thoughts, reassurance, hugs from generous people. Every little helps.

[pastthemission]

Bama,

From my own experience with my BPDm I think of it in terms of how much she had to give me.  With her behavior and thinking patterns she was always focused on what had happened to her in the past and really shouldn't have been in charge of taking care of children.  I've come to understand that my mother's behavior had nothing to do with the person I was and am.  In fact I am diagnosed with BPD and had a breakdown over the summer and have made amazing progress in my recovery.  My mom's reaction?  She's only very slightly speaking to me because I've learned to make appropriate boundaries with her and keep them up. 

Yet, even with the understand I have and my attempts at radical acceptance I still have moments where I ask the same questions you're asking.  I don't have children myself, but I have babysat and I've realized that my mother definitely didn't play the mom role at all and I deserved better. 

[Santa Clara]

I have the same thoughts about my BPD mother now that I am a mother. 

The way my mother is now with both my brother and I seems incomprehensible (without the BPD diagnosis).  My brother and I would never behave the way our mother behaves to us.  And our grandmother was always there to love and support our mother, at least as long as I was around.

So, I suppose it is simply the mental illness that makes a mother capable of not loving their child.  Otherwise, you are right, it just doesn't make any sense.

Hugs to you.

[GeekyGirl]

Bama, a lot of your post resonates with me too. As a parent, it's so hard for me to see my BPDm not really bond with my DS (he's 3 and my mother has split my DS and my 2 year old niece on occasion), and as her daughter, it's been very painful to come to terms with the possibility that she didn't want a daughter after all (that's a whole other post).  

That said, there are a few things to keep in mind: although your mother wasn't nurturing and didn't bond with you the way you wanted/needed, you do have a second chance at a loving, healthy parent-child relationship now. It's clear from your post that you love your children and have bonded with them. I know it doesn't replace the relationship that you could have had with your mother, but it's another chance.

You are lovable and you were lovable as a child. It's the disorder that caused your mother to not be able to bond with you the way you've bonded with your children. It's sad, really, for both of you: you, the child, but your mother really missed out on an amazing opportunity.